Wiping Ergonomics.

The following was a public seminar given in Stocton, California on Wednesday, October 19th, 2005. Words documented by staff, corrected for typos.

C_Jensen: Thank you. Okay, as you can all see, this seminar is about wiping ergonomics. What I am proposing is that the standard wiping position, valued for centuries, should replaced with a new corrective wiping position, mechanically suited to benefit all people. The corrective wiping position is simply a permanent switch in the hand you wipe with. It is my hopeful expectation that this new wiping method will become the next great innovation to the wiping community. The last great innovation came in 1857. Anyone venture to guess what that was?

Audience member: Thomas Crapper?

C_Jensen: It's funny you bring that up. You're wrong, but comical too. The idea that Thomas Crapper invented the toilet is from a fictional book called Flushed With Pride: The Story of Thomas Crapper. The actual inventor of the toilet is John Harington. But no, the invention of the toilet isn't the answer.

Audience member: Toilet paper?

C_Jensen: Toilet paper! Joseph Cayetty invented toilet paper in 1857. Since then, there have been several inventive additions to wiping, such as perforations and multiple plies- but these were very minor relative to the invention of toilet paper itself.

On a personal note, I still prefer single ply. Any more than one layer and I have difficulties getting up into all my nooks and crannies without ripping off ply bits in my rectum.

That said, in terms of a revolution that turns the wiping world upside down, the last one came in 1857. As such, I feel that we’re long past due for another.

At this point, you may be hesitant to the belief that a new wiping protocol could actually carry this much influential clout. But people doubted toilet paper as well. They doubted it so much that it actually took several decades before toilet paper began to catch popularity and the majority consumer's poop residue and bits.

Despite this, the smaller innovations have all caught on with immediacy and certainly never made the history books. Consequently, your doubts on the raw, neo-mechanics of wiping only fuel its raw potential for raw success.

Just as toilet paper went from doubt to indelibility, it is my expectation that the corrective wiping position will rise up from the ashes of your hesitancy and firmly establish itself as a true socio-cultural norm.

But before we can understand the benefits of the corrective wiping position (CWP), we must first understand the woeful mechanics of the standard wiping position (SWP). It all deals with the musculature of the low back: the spinal extensors.

The spinal extensors are involved in virtually every mobile action of the human body. Take walking for example. In order to walk, you must forwardly displace your center of gravity. Your body then falls toward that center of gravity, and your legs are activated to stop you from falling down. The overall product of this is walking, and according to the laws of the universe, there is no other way for you to do it under normal circumstances. So effectively, walking is completely dependent on you leaning forward. What musculature accounts for this? Your spinal extensors.

Virtually every activity your body endures heavily recruits these muscles. Knowing this, if you were to develop an imbalance in muscle recruitment between the two sides, it should be apparent that their excessive use would only accentuate the discrepancy.

Here is where this becomes a problem: one sided muscle imbalances in the low back are associated with lumbar back pain. Furthermore, uncorrected imbalances over time often lead to postural deviations, including chronic lateral flexion, right or left facing hips, vertebral malalignments, and in more extreme cases, mild scoliosis.

Can you see why developing an imbalance among these muscles is a bad thing?

Well it turns out that you have a natural propensity to develop these imbalances simply because you're a human being. The main culprit of this is side dominance. Just like you have a dominant hand and a dominant eye, leg, etc., you have a dominant side of your spinal extensors which your body naturally prefers to use.

Because the body responds very specific to the stresses it endures, the preferred side is prone to experience more hypertrophy than the non-dominant side.

To make matters worse, pain and injury only adds to this imbalance, both voluntarily and involuntarily. Cognitively, you recruit muscles less when you fear it will cause pain or injury. Involuntarily, this same thing happens on a reflexive basis, sometimes deactivating a single side entirely in an action it would have otherwise been responsible for.

Because disuse is the primary cause of muscle atrophy, this only speeds up the rate at which your muscle imbalance is coming. And unless you're unnaturally ambidextrous, it is coming.

This is where the mechanics of wiping come in.

SWP involves trunk flexion, rotation, and lateral extension to a preferred side. When you get into this position, it stresses the dominant side of the low back through eccentric loading and isometric contraction at a lengthened state.

Because hypertrophy is dependent on the amount of tension generated, and the highest level of tension appears during eccentric loading and isometric contraction at a lengthened state, SWP has the potential to elicit hypertrophy to the dominant side of the spinal extensors.

Because of this, it can be assumed that SWP is a contributor to the imbalance, and halting its practice would slow the development of this imbalance.

Furthermore, if you institute CWP, the non-dominant side of the low back will experience the stresses of wiping, combating the discrepancy between the two sides.

I believe this is a more effective strategy than the typical exercise protocols that are routinely published and prescribed. I say this because nobody seems willing to allot the time necessary to make these exercise protocols effective.

It has been shown in the literature that it takes 8 weeks of an exercise program before hypertrophy even begins to take place- and that the majority of all people doing corrective exercises for their back quit by the 12th week. Considering these criteria, I find it highly unlikely that anyone will achieve therapeutic benefits between the maximum 4 week period of when hypertrophy begins and the protocol concludes.

Contrary to this, wiping lasts a lifetime. And for this reason, I proclaim it to be the next big innovation to yours and my world of wiping. But as of right now, we remain on the cusp, brink, and verge of embracing CWP. So I urge you switch your Cayetty hand today and bring on this new revolution at the sweltering rate it deserves.

At this time I'd like to open it up to the audience for questions.


Audience member: What about older people with limited flexibility who may be able to reach during SWP but not CWP? Do they just not wipe at all, or struggle and then revert back to SWP? How can this program be effective for people at this stage in life?

C_Jensen: That's a fantastic question. These individuals may not be able to immediately supplement their daily routine with CWP. But if you recall, most people are generally willing to perform up to 12 weeks of exercises for their low back before throwing in the towel. The increased range of motion achievable during 8-12 weeks of exercise should enable these people the capability to minimally perform CWP. At this time, the rewards of their adherence to CWP come two fold: first, they can continue to narrow the discrepancy in any muscle imbalance, and second, they can maintain the general mobility achieved through that initial exercise program. Or they could just get a bidet and relax.

Are there any more questions?

Okay then- thank you very much for attending, and if you would like more information, you can log onto efitnessonline.com.