Published in Oregon on January 1, 2005.
Chapter 1: Everything I Was Taught Faded to the Husky American.
Obesity has ruined any hope for morality while republicans, who are supposed to address morality, don't actually exist. Neo-cons do. And neo-cons won't address morality unless they can make a quick billion on it. That said, the likelihood is high that we'll never remedy this.
Historically, eating was the only real concern. Then food options broadened. As a result, we get this: "limit fat and sugar intake." Easy enough. That actually lasted for quite a long time. And I wouldn't so much mind having that era back on account of numerous reasons. Numerous reasons which we'll eventually get into.
But in 1933, our mildly sub par government established price floors on sugar as a financial gesture to the friendly farmers, completely disregarding the supply and demand principles of our "free market." Fantastic, so now we have a more-than-bountiful surplus of the sweetness. And considering that a forced price increase strictly to lower the sales doesn't so much help the farmers as it does wildly attack their profits, the government buys up this heft-ridden surplus with your tax money. From there it's re-sold to government funded organizations, schools, etc.
Now, I apologize to the farmers, but this was an unspeakably colossal error that allowed me to tag "the devastation of everything" to its legislation.
Chapter 2: The Continuation of Chapter 1.
Sugar farmers are happy. And why shouldn't they be? After all, it's not that
much tax money to make them such. Now I realize that people in 1933 were morons, but do we not consider food manufacturers at all
? These people can no longer manufacture food with sugar in it. Simply put, it would cost way too much. And they can't very well just raise the prices of their products accordingly to compensate because nobody would buy it. Unlike the sugar farmers, these people actually have to abide by the principles of supply and demand without governmental intervention. That tricky thing.
But naturally these companies don't want to just call it quits, file for bankruptcy, and have all their now ex-employees forced below the poverty line. So what do they do? They invent a new sweetener to avoid the government inflation of the natural one. And there's effectively no way this new one can fall into this governmental price control because they synthesize it in their own laboratory. Granted it's one of the most unnatural substances earth has yet witnessed, but it keeps the job market alive- which works as a nice preventative measure for ducking a crushing economic blow.
This new alternative to natural sugar rapidly became, by an extreme margin, the new staple sweetener of virtually all food manufacturing companies. High fructose corn syrup, check your labels in confidence. I'm positive it's there. It's there giving you and your children diabetes whilst changing the name of "adult onset diabetes" to "type II diabetes." These are all fun things, you realize. I guess I should say "exciting things," as fun is a noun. Are you with me so far?
So now, healthy eating habits are no longer guided by the expression "limit sugar intake," but rather "try to use natural sugars more often." So while before it was considered healthy to eat less sugar entirely, now healthy is "live as if to replicate an unhealthy eating pattern before the invention of high fructose corn syrup." This is now "healthy eating."
Essentially what we've done is take a mammoth step backwards on a national level, and offer the suggestion to "try and avoid taking the entire
step backwards, and instead do what you can to hold on to mediocrity."
Chapter 3: Continuing Chapters 1 and 2 and Mediocrity.
Now financially speaking, this laboratory food alternative thing worked so well in the carbohydrate realm, why not give it a whirl in the fat department too? That was a rhetorical question. They did it a long time ago. Everyone knows this. If you didn't know that and you tried to answer my rhetorical question, I will think less of you. A lot.
Here's how it works: hydrogenated oils (trans fatty acids) have a larger volume at the same weight. Hence, they fill packages with less on the gram scale. They have a longer shelf life, extending the expiration date. They have a consistency that is more desirable for the manufacturers. And they're totally unnatural, made in a laboratory, and nearly impossible for your body to break down. So in summary, you eat it, and then it's stored as body fat relatively permanently while giving you cancer.
But low and behold it's as profitable as the last lab session invention. Granted the carb-lab-session was necessary thanks to our government. This fat, however, comes to via greed alone. So what happens now? Consult chapter 4.
Chapter 4: What happens now...
"Natural" peanut butter and "trans-fat-free" butter are deemed healthy. This goes as far as having a heart-drawing on the side of the butter tub with the worlds "heart healthy" next to it. Butter. I swear to you "heart healthy butter." Now I'm not certain how long this is going to last on the market, but it seems pretty comical to me. By comical I mean ridiculously contradictive. Simply because it doesn't have any of this newly invented fat in it it's deemed healthy. However, before this fat was invented, butter in any way you looked at it, was considered to be terrible for you. "Limit fat intake," remember? Now it's "try to eat natural fats- fish oils, olive oil, natural peanut butter, soy, canola and safflower oils, flax oil, etc. Stick with the naturals." Sure this is good advice. But before this fat was invented, and ALL fat was natural. The advice then wasn't "just eat the fats that exist." If that was the case, we would have had tons of fatties back then too.
We're just doing what we can to keep one step behind ourselves while the mass public progresses to the ultimate goal of being nauseatingly disgusting. So what do we look for here in America to be the savior of all this? The quick-fix.
Chapter 5: The Quick-Fix.
The oil industry is number one. And why shouldn't it be? It's Cheney's war. Predictably, automotive is number two. The supplement industry is now number three. The supplement industry is now number three. I wrote that twice on purpose in case you were wondering. I did it on the chance that you weren't paying attention. Be sure that you are. Be sure that you're paying 60 billion dollars per year of your attention. This exceeds the net profits of every pharmaceutical company combined. This is a little bit preposterous, is it not?
And obviously it doesn't work because we're all huge. But apparently we just disregard that little tidbit of information. And instead, continue to be mindless consumers of the quick remedy. Why? Because we want to dodge any responsibility of a healthy lifestyle while still being able to look good enough to have tons of sex. If you want evidence of this beyond the massive proportion of that annual 60 billion coming from herbal libidos, look at the marketing approach of everything below Centrum Silver. Sex sells. Sex sells to the tone of 60 billion dollars. Regardless of the fact that it totally doesn't work, motive is defined clear as day.
But motive doesn't much remedy the fat sow's irresponsible life choices, and no money for health insurance due to the increasing costs of alcohol and supplementation both in hopes of a new sex partner.
Now I don't pay taxes because I work under the table to spite the government, but if I did, I would be really
tired of paying for these people's medical expenses solely based on their mind-numbingly irresponsible choices of "what can give me the maximal amount of pleasure possible completely absent of all accountability." If you can't recognize the mirror correlation of diet and the social realm, I will be hugely disappointed.
Chapter 6: Social (some crossed out words)
Notice it's the people swallowing diet pills and/or eating "no net carbs" that have either half a dozen bastards or 9+ abortions.
They've obviously made the choice that responsibility will play no part in their life, but it's a toss-up whether or not they're up for the free money (welfare) or the free sex (abortions – plural).
Let it be known that I'm not arguing against abortions. The world is exceedingly better with the existence of abortion. If you're one of the shitty, worthless fatties I'm talking about, I'd much rather do away with your little bastard too.
I'm just saying look at the correlation of the progression of taking no personal accountability for actions you obese fucking reprobate.
I swear to you, your social life is no different than your ever-increasing adipose tissue. I don't care if you call it "swinging," what you wanted to be is an adulterer, but it's not working out for you, regardless of how heavily you contribute to the functionless supplement industry because of your wet-pillow-looking stomach. And then you have the audacity to call that stomach the root of your problems. Seriously, let's not kid ourselves, this is how people think. And I can tell you as a fact that these people are not made of the same stuff that I am. Now I can't conclusively say that it's genetic, or parenting, or some sort of trauma at birth, but it's something- maybe all of those combined, and in the end, these people are not like me.
But apparently, as an American, it is now your inherent obligation to consume and consume everything you possibly can for pleasure with no accountability. Well I'm sorry, Mr. fat person, I find you so far out of line that when I see you, I fucking vomit in my mouth. But since I'm in public, I have to swallow the shit back down and keep my comment to myself.
Chapter 7: A Plea to the FDA.
Mr. and Mrs. FDA, please, please begin to regulate fatties and their Bavarian cream pie flavored condoms alike. Let's try to make a bargain. You finish off these people- just end them- your way: slaughter them in their sleep, poison their Twix, whatever. Do something. You do this, and I'll start paying taxes... I promise. FDA, I think we're on to something truly wonderful, you and me.