Gay Marriage

Gay marriage is an item of immense political debate. The reason for this is because many people are against sexual relationships among same-gender couples. Relationships are fine, as we all have those. But sexual relationships, out of the question.

Thus, gay marriage bans are the mode to express this. However, today, 1979 has already happened. That year the Village People unveiled YMCA to our unsuspecting populace. Because of this incident, we now have detailed accounts of all of today's anti-gay politicians singing along to this gay anthem (while festively dancing) in public events; each of them enthusiastically belting out verses about anonymous gay sex. I don't know how to respond to this, so I'll let the fact speak for itself.

What I will speak to however, is the motivation (albeit illogical) to ban gay marriage. In order to address this, I will re-perform a stimulating conversation I had with myself in which I tackled the subject quite thoroughly. Here's a recap:



Okay, please explain to me again your justification for supporting a ban on gay marriage?

Easy. This country was built on a foundation of Judeo-Christian beliefs, and marriage is rooted in biblical unions, and these longstanding historical roots should not be challenged after providing so many years of stability.

If that were true, sure, don't challenge it.


I said if that were true, then yes, you're right.

It's very true.

It's not true.

Yes it is.

Okay, then tell me about this "longstanding history" that's so important to you.

I can't. I just know about it.

No you don't.

I meant that I know that it exists.

Wow. Okay can I please tell you the nonfiction history?


It's not old and its "roots" are about chattel. i.e. ownership of things, like a racist black person reference. But in this case, sexist woman reference. The modern definition of marriage is quite young.

Okay. That doesn't mean gays should be able to get married.

I don't necessarily think they should either if it will grant them "stability" (your word) which is statistically defined by a 50.7% failure (divorce) rate.(2003 U.S. statistic 3.7 divorces for every 7.5 marriages).

So you agree that gays shouldn't marry.

No. I was just making fun of your concept of stability while waiting for you to present a coherent case supporting gay marriage bans.

The lower portion of the gastrointestinal tract was not designed for that purpose.

So it nauseates you to think about that, especially in detail with the audible wet anal moistness and such?

Yes, extremely.

Thus they shouldn't be allowed to marry?


Okay. I actually totally understand.

Gays shouldn't marry.

Yeah no I got that. People who are deemed gross in a bout of intercourse shouldn't be allowed to have it. Do you have parents?


Of course you do, you're a living thing. Do you enjoy picturing them having sex in vivid detail with bondage and discharging seminal fluids and stuff?

Of course not.

Thus, they shouldn't be allowed to marry.

That's not the same thing.

I'm not sure I understand your logic. Explain the difference please.

Gay sex isn't even natural.

Aside from the genetic causation model which disagrees, I see it all the time in the natural world. Same-sex dogs repeatedly hump each other's lumbar backs fierce. But let's pretend these pieces of information don't exist. Instead, let me ask you a question. Have you eaten chips?


That's not natural, you should have instead eaten the placentas and raw sopping afterbirth of your children. That's more natural and common in nature.

I don't understand.

Of course you don't. I'm illustrating the unspeakable absurdity in your "natural" argument. Even if homosexuality wasn't natural, your argument is still ludicrous. Stop sleeping on a bed in a house, that's not natural.


Okay you'll sleep in the dirt and skin animals for future garments?

No. Okay I understand the natural argument.

Can I tell you why you're against gay marriage?


You're not gay (allegedly), but you still manage to spend an exorbitant amount of mental energy picturing gay people having sex. That's not healthy. Nor is it not weird.

I wouldn't say that.

Right. Well let's say this then: if you try to make your opinions based on rationality rather than mental imagery, I really bet it would help your hypertension and anxiety issues. And while thinking rationally, you'll realize that if all people who produce an unsightly image of sex shouldn't have sex, your desires carried out would flat out end the human race. Procreation is necessary, and every living human has parents they try not to picture having sex. Anti-gay-marriage people on the other hand constantly picture unsightly sex scenes. And like I already said, that's weird.


Did you leave?


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