The Magic of a Second Bush

The United States of America was Attacked on September 11th, 2001. This attack was linked to Osama Bin Laden. We go after him. On national television, Bush says he "will not rest" until Bin Laden has been captured. Now what's weird, is that we haven't got him and Bush seems well rested. So does this mean Bush lied to the nation about a colossal issue? Perhaps, but no matter, we got Hussein instead. And that's okay too. But let's look at what's actually happened to get to this point, and what is continuing to happen now.

Around the time Clinton is finishing up his 8 years, the Republican party is busy doing two things. Their first move, was spending a grand total of 80 million dollars in attempt to show that Clinton weaseled $100,000 out of the government- which they referred to as "The Watergate" in order to conjure up scandalous associations. Turns out he didn't do it. At least I hope he didn't, because if 80 million dollars was spent to show that he did, and they found nothing, that would be a huge embarrassing failure for the Republicans. So in favor of the intelligence of conservative America, we'll say that Clinton didn't do it. However, they did uncover an affair where he had oral sex. But that's not really that fascinating- everyone in the world knows about it and it's actually unspeakably irrelevant to everything except his wife and daughter- who both forgave him. And since he doesn't need forgiveness from anyone else, problem solved.

The second thing the Republican party was doing, was choosing a new presidential candidate for the 2000 election, because Bob Dole didn't do so hot in '96. And it came down to two guys. John McCain was the favorite, and George W, not the favorite.

Quick background: McCain is a traditional republican senator who spent five years as a prisoner of war, appears to be happily married, and together, he and his wife adopted a baby girl from an orphanage in Bangladesh with severe medical conditions- Bridget. George W took out a row of hedges in the process of getting his DUI during his cocaine and alcohol abuse years, has never held a job other than being put in charge of companies by which exactly every single one of them went bankrupt almost immediately, pulled amazing political strings to get out of the war he was not only publicly supporting, but was supposed to be in it, then became governor of Texas, where he took the record for most kills via the death penalty- including mentally handicapped people and those where Bush was advised to by Alberto Gonzales, who, honest to God, slept through the trial. These are the two candidates. Obviously McCain is seen as the straight-shooter, and Bush, the quirky underdog.

Something happened along the way, however, that caused Bush to gain huge ground to the extent that he actually came out on top. This something goes by the name of Karl Rove. As Bush's advisor, Rove initiated a "marketing strategy" that included telephoning as many Republicans as possible to say something along these lines: "If you knew Senator John McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, would that change the way you voted?" McCain supporters then saw him on television alongside his adopted, medically challenged Bangladeshi daughter, made assumptions, and abandoned him, supporting the next guy in line, George W. Bush. It was unprecedented in both the degree of the turn-around, as well as the "strategy." And lo and behold, this alone gives Bush the title as the Republican Presidential Candidate.

We all know what happened next: George Bush became president of the United States of America in November, 2000. We'll just say he won fairly. Everyone already hears the "stole the election" accusations far too often. Granted, they're true considering the final tally of Florida did end up proving that Gore took it- by quite a significant margin even- but Katherine Harris and Governor Jeb (i.e. his brother) handed it to him anyway. And I'm okay with this- I'll just try to believe that Harris and Jeb were given misleading numbers and were in fact under the impression that Bush had won, and after Harris signed it over to him, it was politically too hard to take it back- so Bush kept it. We'll say it was fair- I'm fine with this. Why? Because I voted for him that time around. A Republican and a Christian. That was Bush and me.

Either way- Bush became president. That's not really debatable. And he appointed Dick Cheney as his vice president, who ended up more ethically questionable than arguably any politician in history. We'll get into this soon. But first, now that we know about Bush's arival into presidency, we'll take a look at Cheney's rise to power as well.

Dick Cheney has had a lengthy political career and one job otherwise. He started in politics, and continued in politics, climbing up the ranks to Bush Senior's Secretary of Defense. Then, with no experience outside of politics, he was offered the spot as CEO of Haliburton (war profiteering company) as his first job. He stayed for a few years, maintaining his status as the only human being trading with Saddam Hussein at the time. This is important considering Iraq was under sanctions and Cheney was the only human alive who was ignoring them and trading anyway. Then the presidential election was on the horizon, so Cheney he left the company with 440,000 shares and a parting gift of 23 million dollars.

Bush Sr. tells Jr. to talk to Cheney about finding a Vice President. Cheney shoots down every name Jr. came up with, and then, by default, as there was nobody else left, Cheney took the job for himself. Though this is extremely weasely, I'll at least credit him with clever. There's no question he's very talented at what he does. He then uses this talent to work his way into being appointed to head of the Terrorist Counteract in May of 2001.

This brings us back to where this article began- the war. Notice it's called "The War on Terror." Notice also who's in charge of the Terrorist Counteract. Realize this "War on Terror" never caught the terrorist, but instead invaded Iraq who I guess must have been terrorizing us. If the main target of the War on Terror is Iraq, they must have been terrorizing us a lot. If they weren't, the War on Terror does not belong in Iraq. Does that make sense?

Now, the Republican command felt so strongly about invading Iraq that it broke off from the United Nations to do so. There exist two explanations for why we did this. The first reason, supported by the U.S. Republican Party suggests that the U.N. is corrupt and is trying to work in opposition to the U.S. The second reason, supported by almost everyone else in the world suggests that the War on Terror does not belong in Iraq. And I guess it doesn't even matter which of these you believe, because we invaded them anyway, via Cheney's command as head of the Terrorist Counteract.

So the question has to be asked: why would Cheney want this war so badly? The explanation we were given was that Iraq was harboring terrorists and in possession of weapons of mass destruction. This went as far as convincing the people that the hour of Iraq invading the U.S. was so close that if we didn't strike immediately, we would be struck first. It scared me too, don't worry. I probably peed some when I was trying not to. A lot of people did. That's a very scary thought. It's a good thing it was pure make-believe. Turns out Sadam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction of any kind, had no plans of obtaining them, made that a known fact, and never once refused weapons inspectors. Additionally, the reports of the weapons inspectors were always completely clean, and we had these documents when we were entering into the war. These are all facts with documented proof. I'll let you know when something comes up that's debatable. This isn't. And what it means, is that the executive branch of our government either knew Iraq was harmless going into the war, at which point they lied to the public, or they refused to read any documents concerning Iraq in the months leading up to it in order to attack in ignorance instead of deceit. Chances are the first one is true- the second one is a little hard to believe. That and if it were the latter, and we had a government harnessing pure ignorance on the intentions and militant state of all other nations, I would be scared shitless. So in everyone's best interest, we'll assume the first: we were lied to about the cause of the war.

This also means, however, that our reason for the invasion of Iraq was something else. This brought about our next move: everybody look to the president for an answer. And the answer we were immediately given is this: the Oil for Food Program, which deals directly with Iraq, is extremely corrupt, by which 300 million dollars remains missing from previous transactions. This must be dealt with, and this is why we're fighting.

This is absolutely hilarious. Being lied to about weapons is so scary that it's actually not funny at all, but this new reason is hysterical. Realize that the Oil for Food Program is sponsored by the United Nations. So now the reason we're fighting this war is to defend the UN, when the UN opposed the war. So we had to abandon them in order to fight so that we could defend them. This makes no sense whatsoever. But that isn't even the funny part. What's funny is this: that $300 million is missing from Cheney's transactions. Remember how Cheney was the only person dealing with the sanctioned Iraq during their sanctions? It's these deals that the $300 million ended up missing from.

So instead of this being grounds to invade Iraq, it should be a reason to investigate Cheney. And when the world began to realize this, we began to uncover quite a little deal of information. At the onset of this war, which Cheney was so heavily pushing, we had to pick up a war-profiteering company. And out of the two, and possibly a third company that were trying to give their bid for the job, which one do we take? None of those. Haliburton already had the job before the war began. They were given a no-bid-contract of more than 7 billion dollars, turning them into the largest war-monopoly in history. This alone would be enough to return the $23 million partying gift favor for a short stay, but it didn't stop there. With 440,000 shares in the company, allowing colossal monopolistic markups on all products services on top of equally colossal tax breaks made Cheney a man of extreme wealth and the U.S. the poorest it has ever been. It almost immediately turned the largest surplus in history to the largest deficit, with a heavy portion of the difference ending up in the pockets of Dick Cheney.

When Cheney and Halliburton went under question and were ordered to halt dealing, guess who threatened to begin supplying Iraq instead? Yay for Cheney profiting off supplying the "enemy" of his war. As the least damaging of two practices, normal dealing resumed. And if this wasn't enough, another $9 billion dollars ended up missing from further war expenses. Now this is tricky though because we don't know where it is. We didn't just find it in Cheney's bank account and call it "missing." So technically there could be any number of reasons. The Republican explanation, which I think is probably worse than theft, is that we just keep losing it on accident. This would mean that we're so overwhelmingly irresponsible and clumsy that we just keep accidentally losing money, and so far we're up to 9 billion dollars. The alternative idea, is orchestrated clumsiness that's funneled it to specific people. Bush hasn't quite gotten the payoff that Cheney has, maybe he's got it. It's hard to say. But for two guys who rightfully should never have even been in the presidential race, and technically didn't win it when they got there, they're doing pretty well for themselves. It just comes at the expense of the United States of America.