Dominance and Submission
- Is it for Me?
What is BDSM?
Well Just what is BDSM? Lets break
this acronym now into it's three lifestyle parts.
B&D: Bondage & Dominance or
Bondage & Discipline.
D&S: Dominance & Submission.
S&M: Sadism & Masochism.
A few Statements
Restraining someone by use of
ropes, hand cuffs or various other articles.
A power exchange where one person
- D/s relationship: Abbreviation for Dominance/submission. A role
play where someone passes the control and power to his partner
willingly. The main aspect of a D/s relationship the relation
between the partners and the way they interact with each other.
A D/s relationship is not necessarily associated with Sadomasochism
(SM) but it often includes certain SM aspects (Bondage, physical
punishment). Sometimes it is also also called: EPE - Erotic Power
- Dominance & Submission: D&S is
an erotic power exchange, where one person gets off on the thrill
of controlling, the other on the thrill of being controlled.
A form of giving intense stimulation(s)
(physical or mental) or pain to another.
Receiving intense stimulation(s)
(physical or mental) or pain.
Abbreviation/term for a relationship, which practices the D/s
role play between top and bottom 24 hours, 7 days a week. 24/7
is not a definition of a relationship, but a goal. The way it
is practiced is very individual.
is the empowerment of the Dominant BY the submissive's surrender
to His/Her control. The power exchange is Consentual and should
be well negotiated. The depth of power yielded by the submissive
is equal to the level of responsibility assumed by the Dominant
(definition from the book "Screw
The Roses Give me the Thorns")
A BDSM relationship is always based
on mutual CONSENT
and care for the partner. Everything in this Lifestyle must be
given freely, willingly and consentually. Everything else is
BDSM has nothing to do with violence
against a helpless person. To tie up someone and beat her/him
up is not BDSM but sole brutality.
Communication between the partners is
very important to such a relationship. Without a open line of
communication or misintrepeted communication can be harmful or
even fatal to a relationship in this type of lifestyle.
Learn all you can about the lifestyle,
knowledge is power.
Total Power Exchange:
TPE is a combination of 24/7 and strong
D/s aspects. The bottom is usually treated as a valued possession
of the Top and the total submission is expected from him/her.
The term "sub" is often substituted by the term "submissive
or slave" to emphasize the difference. The care of the Top
for His/Her slave does not only include aspects of the role play
but also the safety, attention and support in all everyday situations.
TPE relationships are constructed on this asymmetric power structure
which can pervade all aspects (even money, property, decisions
and job) of the relationship. An important element of TPE is
the continued mental presence of the interplay of responsibility,
dominance, care and submission. The role play can be intensified
at any time. Slave contracts or visible signs like piercings, brandings
or tattoos are often used as typical sign for the binding character
of such a relationship.
One thing should be always kept in
TPE is not slavery and if the bottom
feels uncomfortable they still have the right to ask for a "timeout"
to discuss certain aspects or to ask for a dialog in a appropriate
manner. A responsible top would also take care that one of the
defined goals will be the autonomy of the bottom - at least concerning
psychical and financial aspects. Hardly any relationship lasts
forever and there is always a time after.
Some critics look at TPE with discomfort.
The main argument is that a TPE relationship can not be Consentual
because it limits the rights of the bottom too much. In contrast
to a D/s relationship the bottom can not exert necessary influence
on everyday situations.
Is TPE the ultimate and only real form
of a D/s relationship? Yes and no. TPE is surely an enhancement
to a D/s relationship but there is no thing like "real D/s
lifestyle". There is no real slavery in such a relationship
and there shouldn't be any real slavery. According to the SSC
Credo (Safe, Sane, Consensual) there can't be real slavery in
a D/s relationship. D/s is what every couple wants it to be and
how they design it. There's no real or right or wrong D/s relationship.
If you and your partner decide to live in a TPE relationship
you will have to find your own way to form and organize it, but
always keep in mind: "It is one of the greatest gifts on
earth if a person grants you her/his submission and complete
trust. Use it wisely and with uttermost respect."
Rules of A Dom
Nine Levels of Submission
- Within the BDSM subculture, different
people use the words 'submissive' and 'slave' to mean many different
things. When submissives say 'I want to be your slave,' sometimes
they mean only that they want to be tied up and whipped. Many
professional Dominants routinely refer to their (usually not
very genuinely submissive clients) as 'slaves.' At the other
extreme, there are people who want to be full-time personal servants,
and who truly want to exist solely for their Dom(me)'s use, pleasure
and convenience. And there are many shades in between these two
1. THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE
MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST.
Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain
and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms and
for the masochist's own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly
by one's own bodily sensations rather than by being "used"
to gratify one's partner's sadism).
- 2. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE
NON-SLAVE. Not into even playing
"slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing,
e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism.
Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play.
Dictates the scene to a large degree.
- 3. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE
PLAY SLAVE. Likes to play at
being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like
to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism;
may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on
the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large
degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshipers).
- 4. TRUE
SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Really
gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed upon limits),
but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission
other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned
on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility.
Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still
seek mainly her/his own direct pleasure (rather than getting
one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).
- 5. TRUE
SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Really
gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief
"scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction
from serving/being used by dominant, but only for FUN purposes,
usually erotic. May not be into pain. If so, is turned on by
pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one's partner's
sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements
- 6. UNCOMMITTED
SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE.
Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve
and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic
as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave"
is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several
days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end
of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term
relationship with one's Mistress, but, either way, the "slave"
has the final say over when she will serve.
- 7. PART-TIME
CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE. Has
an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards
oneself as the dominants property at all times. Wants to obey
and please dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic
and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g.
job)but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.
- 8. FULL-TIME
LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE. Within
no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards
herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)'s pleasure/well
being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession.
Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife,
except that within the BDSM world the slave's position is more
likely to be fully Consentual, especially if the slave is male.
Within the BDSM world, a full time "slave" arrangement
is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully,
with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given
up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with
more awareness of the possible dangers,and with much clearer
and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional
- 9. CONSENSUAL
TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS.
A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn't exist in real life
(except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations
where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or
social or economic pressures, and hence isn't fully Consentual).
A few BDSM purists will insist that you aren't really a slave
unless you're willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me),
with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be
no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the
The above list isn't intended as a rigid
classification. Most submissives don't fall neatly into one of
these categories; there are still further shades in between.
(For example, a live-in slave with an outside paying job would
be category 7 1/2. Also the same submissive may attain different
degrees of submission with different Dom(me)s. The list is intended
simply to show the wide range of different possible meanings
of the words "submissive" and "slave." In
the BDSM subculture, the majority of "submissives"
seek scenes in categories 1-3, whereas most of the Dom(mes) I
know, seek slaves in categories 6-7.
If you're a submissive in categories
1-3, you are probably best off seeking a relationship not with
a Dom(me) but with a fellow "sub," or with a switchable
person into both roles. The two can take turns acting out each
other's "submissive" or masochistic fantasies.
When a submissive tells a dominant,
"I want to be your slave," it is often hard to tell
exactly what is meant. Lots of people or willing to attain in
real life, and lots of "slaves," especially inexperienced
ones, over estimate their own desire fantasize a much greater
degree of submission than they are able for real life servitude.
A dominant must carefully find out how far the "slave"
really wants to go.