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Dominance and Submission - Is it for Me?

What is BDSM?

Well Just what is BDSM? Lets break this acronym now into it's three lifestyle parts.

  • B&D: Bondage & Dominance or Bondage & Discipline.
  • D&S: Dominance & Submission.
  • S&M: Sadism & Masochism.
  • Definitions:

    Bondage: Restraining someone by use of ropes, hand cuffs or various other articles.
    Discipline: A power exchange where one person *punishes* another.
    D/s relationship: Abbreviation for Dominance/submission. A role play where someone passes the control and power to his partner willingly. The main aspect of a D/s relationship the relation between the partners and the way they interact with each other. A D/s relationship is not necessarily associated with Sadomasochism (SM) but it often includes certain SM aspects (Bondage, physical punishment). Sometimes it is also also called: EPE - Erotic Power Exchange.
    Dominance & Submission: D&S is an erotic power exchange, where one person gets off on the thrill of controlling, the other on the thrill of being controlled.
    Sadism: A form of giving intense stimulation(s) (physical or mental) or pain to another.
    Masochism: Receiving intense stimulation(s) (physical or mental) or pain.
    24/7: Abbreviation/term for a relationship, which practices the D/s role play between top and bottom 24 hours, 7 days a week. 24/7 is not a definition of a relationship, but a goal. The way it is practiced is very individual.
    TPE: is the empowerment of the Dominant BY the submissive's surrender to His/Her control. The power exchange is Consentual and should be well negotiated. The depth of power yielded by the submissive is equal to the level of responsibility assumed by the Dominant (definition from the book "Screw The Roses Give me the Thorns")

    A few Statements about BDSM

    A BDSM relationship is always based on mutual CONSENT and care for the partner. Everything in this Lifestyle must be given freely, willingly and consentually. Everything else is abuse/rape.

    BDSM has nothing to do with violence against a helpless person. To tie up someone and beat her/him up is not BDSM but sole brutality.

    Communication between the partners is very important to such a relationship. Without a open line of communication or misintrepeted communication can be harmful or even fatal to a relationship in this type of lifestyle.

    Learn all you can about the lifestyle, knowledge is power.

    Total Power Exchange:

    TPE is a combination of 24/7 and strong D/s aspects. The bottom is usually treated as a valued possession of the Top and the total submission is expected from him/her. The term "sub" is often substituted by the term "submissive or slave" to emphasize the difference. The care of the Top for His/Her slave does not only include aspects of the role play but also the safety, attention and support in all everyday situations. TPE relationships are constructed on this asymmetric power structure which can pervade all aspects (even money, property, decisions and job) of the relationship. An important element of TPE is the continued mental presence of the interplay of responsibility, dominance, care and submission. The role play can be intensified at any time. Slave contracts or visible signs like piercings, brandings or tattoos are often used as typical sign for the binding character of such a relationship.

    One thing should be always kept in mind:

    TPE is not slavery and if the bottom feels uncomfortable they still have the right to ask for a "timeout" to discuss certain aspects or to ask for a dialog in a appropriate manner. A responsible top would also take care that one of the defined goals will be the autonomy of the bottom - at least concerning psychical and financial aspects. Hardly any relationship lasts forever and there is always a time after.

    Some critics look at TPE with discomfort. The main argument is that a TPE relationship can not be Consentual because it limits the rights of the bottom too much. In contrast to a D/s relationship the bottom can not exert necessary influence on everyday situations.

    Is TPE the ultimate and only real form of a D/s relationship? Yes and no. TPE is surely an enhancement to a D/s relationship but there is no thing like "real D/s lifestyle". There is no real slavery in such a relationship and there shouldn't be any real slavery. According to the SSC Credo (Safe, Sane, Consensual) there can't be real slavery in a D/s relationship. D/s is what every couple wants it to be and how they design it. There's no real or right or wrong D/s relationship. If you and your partner decide to live in a TPE relationship you will have to find your own way to form and organize it, but always keep in mind: "It is one of the greatest gifts on earth if a person grants you her/his submission and complete trust. Use it wisely and with uttermost respect."

    Rules of A Dom

  • 1.) Submission is giving freely willingly and should Never be taken By force....Make it a loving relationship also in the lifestyle of BDSM.

    2.) At no time is Blood drawn or Bones Broken, Blood drawn is very unsafe environment and can cause infections, of course you know what broken bones can do.

    3.) Listen to the wants needs and desires of your sub, these are the things that she thinks will pleasure her as well as maybe pleasuring you at the same time, pick some and give in every so often, but not breaking the role of the Dom.......Make it as a gift, or as a reward. Having the sub fill out a Fetish Activity List can help in those type of decisions.
  • 4.) Punishments should be considered carefully and dealt with skillfully and tactfully.
  • 5.) A sub should be given a safe word, so if at times something does go a little to far and the sub is emotionally hurt or physically hurt, she may speak the safe word and all of the scene stops at that very second. Sit down and talk about the scene. What was it that made the safe word come about? What can W/we do to make it easier on the emotions or the physical part? Should W/we stop this scene and just try something else in a scene?.....What are out limits here and how far are W/we willing to go passed out limits?
  • 6.) All scenes should be SSC (SAFE, SANE, CONSENTUAL) Or RACK (Risk Aware Consentual Kink) if not SSC or RACK do not proceed, A TRUE or WORTHY Dom wouldn't why would you?
  • 7.) Sit down with your sub and explore what turns each other on and off, come up with ideas that you both have never tried, but are willing to give a chance, after such said scene sit back sown and see what you both thought about the scene, if you both liked it, see if there are things in that scene that you would like to add or delete. Maybe it will even give you and idea about another scene you both would like to talk about and try. The Fetish Activity List can really come in handy here.
  • 8.) Love each other and have open communication with each other, be open to ideas, suggestions, wants, desires...........and most of all Be Loving to each other, the word DOM or MASTER is a gift not a title or authority. It is a gift of submission from your sub freely willingly and loveinly....."Never" take for granted of the name !!!

    Nine Levels of Submission

    • Within the BDSM subculture, different people use the words 'submissive' and 'slave' to mean many different things. When submissives say 'I want to be your slave,' sometimes they mean only that they want to be tied up and whipped. Many professional Dominants routinely refer to their (usually not very genuinely submissive clients) as 'slaves.' At the other extreme, there are people who want to be full-time personal servants, and who truly want to exist solely for their Dom(me)'s use, pleasure and convenience. And there are many shades in between these two extremes.

      THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST. Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms and for the masochist's own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's own bodily sensations rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).
    • 2. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.
    • 3. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshipers).
    • 4. TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).
    • 5. TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant, but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.
    • 6. UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE. Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but, either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.
    • 7. PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE. Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the dominants property at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g. job)but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.
    • 8. FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE. Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)'s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the BDSM world the slave's position is more likely to be fully Consentual, especially if the slave is male. Within the BDSM world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers,and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.
    • 9. CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS. A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn't fully Consentual). A few BDSM purists will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you're willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the claim.

    The above list isn't intended as a rigid classification. Most submissives don't fall neatly into one of these categories; there are still further shades in between. (For example, a live-in slave with an outside paying job would be category 7 1/2. Also the same submissive may attain different degrees of submission with different Dom(me)s. The list is intended simply to show the wide range of different possible meanings of the words "submissive" and "slave." In the BDSM subculture, the majority of "submissives" seek scenes in categories 1-3, whereas most of the Dom(mes) I know, seek slaves in categories 6-7.

    If you're a submissive in categories 1-3, you are probably best off seeking a relationship not with a Dom(me) but with a fellow "sub," or with a switchable person into both roles. The two can take turns acting out each other's "submissive" or masochistic fantasies.

    When a submissive tells a dominant, "I want to be your slave," it is often hard to tell exactly what is meant. Lots of people or willing to attain in real life, and lots of "slaves," especially inexperienced ones, over estimate their own desire fantasize a much greater degree of submission than they are able for real life servitude. A dominant must carefully find out how far the "slave" really wants to go.


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