***THANKS TO SKIPSKI FOR MOST OF THESE***

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes happened around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? ..It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?...."Look!Ý They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? ...They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? ...A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists? ...Because they can't fit the bottle inÝ the typewriter.
What do you call a smart blonde?ÝÝÝ ...A golden retriever.
What's the definition of eternity?ÝÝ ...4 blondes at a 4-way stop.
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? ...An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes?Ý ... A whine cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? ..."This Goes In Front."
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?..."Oh, look!!Ý Donut seeds!

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the fool upside the head.

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in his car, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?" The guy says, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
 

"Shit" may just be the most powerful word in the English language.You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.  You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.  There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.  There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.  You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and somedays are just plain shitty.  Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.  You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't have to take shit from anyone else!

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama?
Nice tooth!

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the  minimum drinking age in Tennessee  to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma.If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"  The driver says, "Bout what?"

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Why did O. J. Simpson  want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

A new law recently passed in North Carolina:  When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?  I-40

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in  Florida  have in common?   Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?  Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?  A full set of teeth

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.  The 911 operator told Bubba   that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.  Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."  The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?  "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street   and you pick her up there?"

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each  other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,  "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
 

WHAT is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
    Answer: Hair balls.

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
    Answer: Come in five flavors

What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
    Answer: Crust

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
    Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
    Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
    Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
    Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey

What is the ultimate rejection?
    Answer: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
     Answer: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
    Answer: Both can smell it but can't eat it

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
    Answer: A blow job with handle bars

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
    Answer: A mobile sperm bank.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
    Answer: All you can eat for under a buck.

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
    Answer: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
    Answer: A cherry float.

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
    Answer: Beat IT - we're closed.

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
  Answer: To find a tight seal.

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
    Answer: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What's the difference between sin and shame?
    Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

What's the speed limit of sex?
   Answer: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
    Answer: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning,"Lie to  me!"

Why is air a lot like sex?
     Answer: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What's another name for pickled bread?
    Answer: Dill-dough

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
    Answer: He heard the snow blower coming.

Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
    Answer: She's withholding evidence

What's the difference between light and hard?
    Answer. You can sleep with a light on.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
     Answer: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
    Answer: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
    Answer: Their balls are just for decoration.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding  anniversary  The husband yells, "When you die I'm getting you a headstone that rreads,  'Here Lies My Wife--Cold as Ever.'"
"Yeah, well when you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here  Lies  My Husband--Stiff at last.

While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand."There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, ...."That's me before the operation."

 **Math Class**
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.Why?" asks the father."The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' I said "6" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father."That's what I said!"

 ** English**
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

** Grammar**
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in  this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please  use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, "Yu're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!!"