The reason i'm putting this here is because i was unable to find an address to send it directly, and also, to help garner support for my cause.
Gentlemen,
These are trying times to be a smoker, thanks to a handful of lung loving retards, we're all having to pay more.
I know it's not your fault cigarette prices are rising, and that you're not profiting by it.
I know you're getting screwed here too.
Most of what we pay doesn't even go to you, it's taxes and fees. What does go to you is mostly consumed by paying off your settlements.
So, i have prepared the following plans, please, let me know which you feel is best, i hope i can count on your support.
A-
I quit smoking due to the exorbitant prices, naturally, i go apeshit from withdrawls and kill like forty people at shoney's.
That's good on it's own, but here's the beauty part. Those morons have already proven in their lawsuits that nicotene's addictive, so much so that it's not the fault of the
dead guy who smoked three packs a day that he got cancer, he just couldn't quit because the withdrawls were too rough. So, that's my defense, i don't think it could fail, it's perfect.
Then, outraged that i was released, the families of the victims will sue the fuckers that sued you. They'll do it because it was their lawsuits which laid the ground work for my defense, without them, i'd be sentenced to death.
The basis of the lawsuits will be that they caused the rise in cigarette prices, and if i could have afforded it, i would have kept smoking, and not freaked out and gone on a rampage, i would have never killed anyone if i'd had my smokes.
The benefits are two fold, first, they'll have to pay out a shitload of money to these people (see how they like it!) and second, public opinion will turn in yoiur favor.
You're keeping people from freaking out, providing a valuable service to society. You're saving countless lives. Every one will be smoking again, hell, the government will probably buy everybody smokes.
You'll be in the big bucks again.
But, if i'm convicted, it's still good for you. The failure of my defense will be proof that cigarettes are not addictive, and you'll have new evidence to file for appeal of the lawsuits.
Hell, i'll sue them for suing you, causing me to kill people, and spend my life in prison. if i'm executed, my family will sue them and that's big money. Also, you could sue them for defamation of character, or slander, or whatever.
B-
If i can't afford my beloved camel filters, i won't quit smoking, i'll just have to start smoking cheaper, unfiltered cigarettes. And, of course, i'll die of lung cancer within a year.
My family will sue the original complaintants on my behalf, for suing you, causing prices to go up, causing me to switch, and die sooner. Hell, they'll use the same lawyers, same witnesses, and evidence to prove that i couldn't just quit. And if they hadn't sued you, at least i would have kept smoking filters.
They've already proven that cigarettes will kill you, and that they're so addictive, i had no choice. So, if we win, once more, public opinion will turn in your favor (or at least, against the whiners), which gives you greater lattitude in your dealings, and plus, they'll have to pay, and it'll be just plain funny.
But, if i lose, you'll once again have new evidence to get the rulings against you overturned.
Please, let me know which of these plans you reccomend i follow, and i hope i can count on your support, together, we can win.
Steve Gresher
Main
ESSAYS
