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Lauren Marsala

Dowling College
ASC 183

Issues of Mortality Presentation Write-Up

Adolescent Grief as the Result of the Sudden Loss of a Parent

The date is August 27, 1993. Nick is just your average teenager. 14 years old. Starting high school in just a few days. But like your average teenager, he is full of angst toward his parents. In fact. just last night he had a fight with his father over taking the garbage out, accusing his father of not allowing him to be independent by forcing him to take the garbage out. Of course, this petty argument was not the end of the world, but in Nick’s mind, it was. He went to bed without saying goodnight to his father and left the house in the morning without even acknowledging his father’s existence. He spent the day with his friends and came home to get ready for football practice, once again ignoring his father. On his way out the door his father says goodbye, but Nick shoots him a dirty look and says, "Don’t talk to me. I hate you." And off he goes to practice.

When Nick gets home from practice, he is relieved that his father is not home and jumps in the shower. Just as he is getting out, he hears the doorbell ring but doesn’t hurry because he knows his aunt will answer it. Until about thirty seconds later when he hears his aunt screaming, "No, not Louie! Not my Louie!" Nick wraps a towel around his waist and runs out to the front door where his aunt is watching the two police officers walk away from the house. Nick assumes his uncle Louis is dead. But terror really strikes when Nick’s hysterical aunt goes to the phone to call her husband. It is then that Nick realizes it is his father, Louis, who is dead.

Nick’s mother and uncle are there almost immediately; his grandmother moments later. His mother sits him down and tells him about the accident. His father had gone to the store and pulling out of the parking lot on a blind turn, a trucker who was speeding, hit him broadside. He was DOA from severe head injury. Initially, Nick was shocked. He wandered around the house for a bit and then went outside and sat on the curb with his head in his hands, trying to make sense of it all. He was numb and shocked and did not believe this was really happening.

Adolescence is a difficult time. It involves the development of a personal identity, philosophy, and values. It requires movement toward independence from parents, more mature relationships with adults, peers, and members of the opposite sex, and greater involvement in a home or work environment. Teens need support to get through this difficult time, but losing a parent means losing most security and support. After his father’s death, Nick was primarily on his own because his mother was too absorbed in her own grief to recognize her children’s needs. This is not uncommon. He knew that he had to live without his father; that his father would not be there to help him through day to day life, which as a teen is tough enough in itself.

Some adolescents feel embarrassed or ashamed of the grief they feel. But they need to know that grief is not a sign of weakness, but rather a necessity. It is an individual process that varies from person to person. There is no correct way to grieve, but there are factors that may affect the length or severity of the grieving period. The relationship with the deceased parent and the circumstances surrounding the death often affect the severity of grief. The teens past ability to handle stress as well as their support system can also determine how long the teen will grieve for.

I asked Nick about his reactions to his father’s death after the initial shock and disbelief. Some typical reactions are bodily distress, anger, hostility, guilt, bargaining, replacement, assumption of mannerisms, idealization, unusual occurrences, depression, thoughts of suicide, anxiety, and panic. Finally, a healthy griever reaches an acceptance stage in which the teen learns to reorganize his/her life without the parent in it.

Unfortunately, the needs of bereaved teens is often overlooked. Teens give mixed messages about wanting independence while remaining dependent. Because people do not know how to respond to teens, they back off, leaving a teen to grieve alone. There are many ways to help a bereaved teen. Be available to let the teen tell you of their experiences of the death or of any dreams they may have about the death. Often writing a letter to the deceased parent is a good method for the teen to gain closure on the death. It is important to help the teen identify their needs and encourage them to ask for help.


I felt my presentation went quite well. I was well-prepared and not as nervous as I thought I would be. I hope I kept everyone’s attention; it seemed as though I had. I knew that simple regurgitation of facts would have been quite boring, which is why I included the story of my friend. I think that the story gave the audience something to relate to as I explained the details of adolescent grief. I also wanted to initiate a discussion, rather than simply ask if there were any questions, which is why I posed the question to the audience at the end of my presentation. "Should it be the responsibility of the school or the home to teach children about death?" I believe that it takes a community to raise a child and that parents cannot be left on their own to teach their children everything about life experiences. It seemed that the class agreed; they felt the school should have some involvement in the explanation of death to adolescents. I thought the questions asked were well thought-out, and I was very happy to be able to answer them. Overall, I felt that my presentation was a success.