First off I just want to say that this page is not about Patrice Pike!! It's about a few nameless, faceless people, normal people (not that Patrice isn't normal!) just regular people, people not in bands who make music videos. It needed a name because I hate pretentious people who never title anything it's all untitled, untitled, untitled. And I knew I must have a name for this entry and I thought "Patrice" and nothing else seemed right so it became Patrice. This entry is the only significance ok? Besides it's not like she sees my site so if it was about her I would just say so.
Sometimes I think about not linking this to my other page because I don't want Sara to see it. I know that sounds really bad, but I'm getting closer and closer to being up there and I hate the vulnerability that comes with living with someone and being close with someone, and that kind of romantic love. I want to keep things for just me. Yeah right me and the whole internet world, not that I know who even sees these things, if anyone. It's sort of like my choice to share these things with complete strangers, be my shoulder. It's also my choice that these only be kept between me and strangers. I don't know if that will happen or not. I know I gave Sara the link to the first entry, not knowing what this journal would bring. I cannot tell her not to read it, because if I did she most certainly would! So I guess I hope that she just doesn't think about it, because she's as nosy as I, so I'm hoping it just leaves her mind. I don't want her to be hurt about what I'm writing now because I know she would be.
I know that she would be because there are some things she just doesn't understand about me and never will and this sort of privacy is one of those things. I'm not sure what it is but there are just some connections that she doesn't let me have to her and I don't want her to have them to me. I don't know if she just doesn't feel the way I do about things, or if she is just too old or shut off from brillant thoughts, or even thoughts! Either way I don't feel like it's fair for me to bleed my soul and for me to not get anything back from that. So this is mine. All of this is mine and I don't want to share it.
It feels like a betrayal to put that down, but I would betray her before I would ever betray myself so if this is my Judas kiss then let it be to her. I know I'm being overdramatic but I'm pre-menstrual so gimme a break. I think about love a lot, I have a lot of mixed feelings towards a lot of people. I'm the sort of person who has crushes on all my friends at one time or another. I feel like dar does in that song "friends" I can't look up the words because they took my favourite lyric server off the net because of legal stuff. But dar says "..he has all this brilliance and beauty she'll defend, but I think it's in my friend.."
she's talking about this friend who has a boyfriend, the sort of boyfriend that only the one who's dating him can see how wonderful and brilliant he is. The others just see a guy who doesn't have a job. What Dar is saying is that her friend sees this greatness in this man, but dar sees it in the friend.
I think in a lot of ways I fall for all my friends. When you're close to someone you can't help but notice their greatness and the wonderful things about them. It's not sexual at all and it has nothing to do with this popular definition of "love" that we see today. It's almost like the love between a mother and her child, or sisters. It's just this wonderful feeling for them and everything they are. I feel like that even about people who I'm friends with but not especially close to. Certain people, not all. I know that it's not a bad thing because it isn't like what I feel for Sara (let's not discuss that now because I don't really know what it is) it's different. It's almost like the feeling you get when you see the most exquisite, perfect rose; or a tree frozen in ice. Something beautiful, but fragile and breakable that you have an overwhelming feeling for but it's a distanced feeling. You don't touch those things, because breathing on them might destroy them.
My feelings like this never last long either. A day, A week, never much longer. I feel the love always, but such an intense feeling doesn't stay, I guess because I began to know them and realize that they are touchable, and that "off-limits" feel is gone. Because you can't break something like that, not when you each truly trust each other. So it dulls and fades, but I always remember the feeling. Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong, like if it's more romantic than I want to consciously let on to myself. I'm a very spirited person and sometimes I feel like I could just run away with one of them. I think it's because they're like me in so many ways. It's almost like a narcicism, being in love with myself, because I see me in them. I wonder if it means that something's lacking in my relationship with Sara. I don't think that it means that, I think that it means that I'm an 18 year old girl with wanderlust in her heart. There are very few things that could ever make me stay in one place. I feel like the road is my home, and the only place that doesn't make me want to run is New Orleans. That's where I keep my soul. I don't keep it inside because it's too dangerous there.
It's like how if you had a treasure map you would tear it in half and hide the pieces in seperate places so that only you could know it all? That's like me and my spirit. Part of it rests inside but the other part is in the french quarter of new orleans. I think that my soul is more at peace there because the city itself is alive. It's music and people, so many people and the city keeps them together. The city keeps us all alive. I know that it's not like that everywhere. I thought that it was, but I went to other cities later and I never felt what I feel there. I'm going far away from it and it scares me. It's a piece of me that I need and I don't know how I will live.
I know that not every bit of me could ever be anywhere because that's not how I am. It's not about being selfish, it's just a quiet sort of selfpreservation I learned a long time ago. How not to trust, how not to feel. I don't remember anymore if it's something that's a part of me or something that happened later, but I don't want to let go of it. I know that the fleeting things I feel for people who colour my eyes are just another form of escapism for me. A way to make me feel alive, a way out from everything that scares me. I know that I will never give in because I don't really want to. What worries me is that maybe one day I will want to. I'm not very old and there are still some things I haven't seen and sometimes I feel like I am trading one set of chains for a new set of chains. They're shinier, and a different design, but they're still chains. But I don't know how to be alone, I don't know how to make sense of things, and I don't know how not to be confused.
So I guess that this has all come around again to Patrice. Maybe I should write a little something about her, is it only fair? I don't know her well but from what I know she is a strong person. She's a good person, an opinionated person and she's good at expressing her opinion. Her music is firey and full of passion. I see a lot of me in her and a lot of her in me. I see a lot in her that I admire and that I would like to be myself. I guess you could call her a role model except that I know she's a real person just like every other real person, she makes mistakes and she's only human. I don't know if it's something that all humans do, to see qualities in others we admire and to incorporate them into our own lives, maybe it's just be. I know that sometimes I am looking for answers in being like someone else instead of looking for them inside myself. I don't think this entry has any sort of an ending because it's just me, and I do not begin or end, I am continuous, I am a person, a city, a survivor, a friend, a fan, an entity. I have an ache for immortality, and I know that what I am is much more than these hands that type and this body I sometimes feel trapped inside. I know that I am like light and air, that I will continue to exist even after this body, and other bodies like it have turned back to dust. I am a living consciousness, sometimes I feel a thousand years old and sometimes I feel like a child. I wonder how long I have existed, and sometimes I think that maybe this time is my last time around, this life is my last chance at getting it right. I think my soul is tired of being restless...I feel like a begining and an end. So many contradictions are raging inside me. It makes me sad and scared but I know that if I did not feel this way then something would be missing. I know I am supposed to feel like this. I wonder what it is I am supposed to learn now, and I wonder if I'm doing it right this time. If this is my last chance at it, I want to give it my all, I don't want to miss the important things. I'm going to stop typing now, but you can keep reading if you want.