yeah with a title like that I know you're all thinking "uh-oh!" but it's not like that, really it's not. It's about this:
Have you ever met someone, heard someone talk, or seen their webpage and thought "I want this person to be my friend!" they're so amazingly SOMETHING, and you just know that you want to be their friend, like it's this primal urge you have. Like drinking cappuccino. It's something that you just NEEEEED right at that moment. This feeling takes me back to childhood (and ok, to last week!) when I saw a doll (or teletubbie that lights up) in a window of a store and just went "Waaaaah! I want it! I want it now!"
For a split second that teletubbie can cure aids, world hunger, make everything that was bad in your life good, and end war. You just know that your life would be perfect if you could have that damned yellow teletubbie.
I don't know what it is about friends. Maybe it's the fact that aside from internet pals I don't have any. Maybe it's because your friends are what people who don't know you preceive you as. Your friends tell things about you that your palm doesn't. So if you have all these amazingly creative friends that are like superstars then that says you've probably got a brain in your head, otherwise what would they see in you?
That's only a teensy part of it. I think another part of it is, you know things about them, and you have a lot in common with them and you're like wow! It's because part of you sort of wants to be them. It's not really envy or an active wanting, it's just sort of a subconcious thing, like yeah..what would it be like to be him? I'm not going to name any names cuz hey..I dunno who the heck you are reading this! I guess one example I could give without incriminating myself is Ani DiFranco. I think that Ani and I could have a deep conversation. I think that Ani might say, hey, you know, I like what you have to say. I think that maybe Ani and I would get along. So I kind of have that feeling about Ani, like maybe if I was in buffalo when we were 12 then we woulda hung out or something. This is just a passing thought about Ani though. Just an example. If I really meant Ani I wouldn't say Ani because that would be giving it away.
I feel this way about people LIKE ani, but I feel this way about regular people too. Sometimes I just see someone on the street and I like her shirt, or his tattoo and I think, what would it be like to be his friend? It's not as pathetic as it sounds I don't think. Maybe it is. I think it's really a mixture of really liking the qualities you see in someone, wanting those qualities for yourself, and a genuine interest in the person. Who knows..of course sometimes those people are looking at you going Wow..what would it be like to be friends with her? and you just don't know that. I don't usually think like that, but I have to make myself because I don't think I have low self-esteem I just have my whiny days. But I don't want to encourage myself so I have to say, wait, there's someone out there right now checking out your Tori Amos page and wanting to worship you. So that ballances it out. It did happen to me once, there was this amazingly intriguing person who I wanted to be friends with, and I ended up dating her and now she's one of my best friends. Now I look at her and she's still really cool, and intruiguing and I still go, oh wow how did I get to be her friend? And I'm not really sure how it happened. I guess that's because we have qualities we can't see? I would guess. I'm having a weird night tonight folks. Bear with me.
I guess it's just that elusive coolness. It's like what is cool? who gets to be it? why do they get to be it? I think that I'm too sensative and honest to be cool. It's not cool to go "oh I just want to hug you!" but that's just me sometimes. I had a train of thought but it's gone now so I guess I'll go call Sara before she's all what the fuck were you doing writing about some chick when you were supposed to be talking to me???? and then I'll be in trouble so..peace ya'll.
Find nothing but faith in nothing..