Written by Kelly T.
Based on some situations originated by James Cameron.
Rose Calvert was one hundred
years old, sitting in her granddaughter’s home and watching the rain outside
fall like teardrops from heaven onto the window. She saw a magazine lying on
the table next to her. When she picked it up, she began to flip through the
pages. Five-Year-Old Gets Plastic Surgery...World’s Smallest Brain Said to
be Found in Britney Spears’ Head...Actor’s Assistant Gets Beaten Up After
Leaving One Red M&M in the Bowl...Michael Jackson’s New Playground Building
Project, she read to herself while she turned each page. Then she saw
something out of the corner of her eye. She went back a few pages and saw
something she couldn’t believe. "Holy shit!" she exclaimed.
"Jack!"
Lizzy, Rose’s granddaughter,
walked into the room. "Nana, what the hell is going on?" she asked.
Then she added, "You haven’t been doing crack this early in the morning,
have you?"
"No, sweetie, but I need you
to hand me that phone over there," she said, pointing to the phone on the
kitchen counter. Lizzy did as her grandma asked and then sat beside her,
curious to find out what she was doing.
"Hello...I was wondering if
you could give me the number to Leonardo DiCaprio’s home...who the hell do you
think you are to use that kind of language with me? Oh, well, I’ve never heard
anyone put twenty-three curse words in one sentence before, but I guess now I
have...go do what? Hello? Are you still there?"
"What happened?" Lizzy
asked. She was confused.
"That Goddamned asshole can
go f--" Rose started to say, but her granddaughter interrupted her.
"Nana!" Lizzy yelled.
"Sorry, dear. I don’t think
I’ve cursed that much since I survived the Titanic," Rose said.
"Don’t start that again. We
all know you weren’t on the Titanic. You’ve told us that story several times,
almost as many times as you told us you were an actress in the 1920’s and you
were engaged to the rich Caledon Hockley."
"It’s true!" Rose
protested.
Lizzy looked unconvinced.
"Yeah, right, and I screwed Orlando Bloom in an airplane! Stop telling
stories."
Rose left the room, and a moment
later she returned with a necklace…actually, not just any necklace. It was the
Heart of the Ocean. She showed it to Lizzy. "This is the necklace that Cal
gave me onboard the Titanic. He accidentally put it in the pocket of the coat
he gave me. What a retard he was!"
Lizzy took the valuable item from
her grandma. She studied it closely. "It looks like some cheap piece of
blue plastic. You probably got this for a quarter out of one of those machines
you see in arcades."
Rose snatched it out of Lizzy’s
hands, and said, "Bitch!"
"Nana, are you sure you
aren’t a little high right now? Possibly drunk?" Lizzy asked. Rose shook
her head and left the living room.
*****
Leonardo DiCaprio was in a hotel
room in New York. He was visiting some old friends. He had just gotten off the
phone with his mother when he heard a knock on the door. He unlocked the door
and opened it to see an old lady standing there. "Who are you?" he
asked.
She smiled, showing off her false
teeth. "Jack!" she screamed at him with happiness. She threw her arms
around his neck. "You survived! I’ve been searching for you for
eighty-four years!"
He tried to push her away from
him. There was a look of fright and disgust on his face. "Do I know
you?"
"Jack! It’s me! Remember,
Rose DeWitt Bukater? We met on the Titanic, danced, had sex in a car, and you
drew nude pictures of me? You have to remember these," she said as she
lifted her shirt.
Leonardo took a few steps back
and shielded his eyes. "Ew! Put those away!" He moved his arm away
from his eyes and saw that she still had her shirt lifted up. He ran to the
bathroom. Rose fixed her shirt and heard puking sounds coming from the
bathroom. "Honey? Are you all right?" she yelled.
He emerged from the bathroom and
stood as far away from her as he could. "Leave before I call
security!"
"Jack! You said you’d love
me forever. You told me to never let go! I love you!" she exclaimed.
"Look, I don’t know who the
(censored) you are! To me, you are some crazy lady."
She took a few steps toward him.
He put his hands in front of him, and stated, "Don’t come near me. Don’t
come any closer."
"I love you, though!"
she said.
"Listen, Granny, are you off
your (censored) medication?" he yelled.
He backed away farther, up to the
window. She was still coming near him, so he opened the window. "Don’t
come another step closer. I’ll jump! I swear, I will jump." He had one
foot on the floor, the other on the window ledge. He held onto both sides of
the window and looked ready to jump out.
Rose took another step towards
him. He jumped out the window, falling several stories to the street below.
Rose looked down at him as he
fell. "I don’t remember him having such a girlish scream," she said
to herself, and shook her head slowly.
*****
Rose arrived home late that
afternoon. Lizzy came up to her at the front door. "Where the hell have
you been?" she asked.
"I was visiting Jack,"
Rose explained.
Lizzy looked confused. "Who
is Jack? He isn’t another one of your imaginary friends who you think you met
on the Titanic, is he?"
"But I did meet him on the
Titanic!" Rose defended tensely. Rose looked to the side and saw Lizzy’s
coat laying on the floor and her purse on the couch. "And where have you
been today?" Rose asked.
"Oh, I took that cheap
necklace to the pawn shop and traded it. I got ten dollars for it!" Lizzy
stated, cheerfully and proudly. Rose’s eyes went wide, and she was in shock.
She fell to the floor. Lizzy bent over her grandma and checked for a pulse.
There was no pulse, so she knew Rose had died there. Lizzy was about to call an
ambulance, but first she went through Rose’s pockets, taking every credit card
she had.
The End.
