Based on some situations originated by James Cameron.
Don't worry, it's not a cliche.
The ever-so-famous Westlife guys were invited to join a cruise in this new ship that's been rumored to be unsinkable, except by thick icebergs. Of course, since they're rich and all, they went first class. They were enjoying the sunset, lazily leaning their bodies on the railings, (think Against All Odds video, the boat scene) their hair flapping in the wind (actually, only li'l Nick-aay's hair flapped) as the ship leisurely floated across the endless sea.
Shane: *sighs* What a nice evening.
Kian: *sighs* What a nice evening.
Mark: *sighs* What a nice evening.
Nicky: *sighs* What a nice evening.
Bryan: We're going to America! And I'm the king of the world! (Hey, somebody had to play Jack.)
(From somewhere across the ship, Westlife heard a girl screaming for help. They rushed to her rescue immediately--she was hanging on to the railing, almost falling off Titanic.)
Monica: He-eeelp! (Well, somebody had to play Rose.)
Bryan: *looking down* What are you doing down there?
Monica: I was gonna kill myself, jump into the water and stuff, but then I realized how stupid it was and when I decided to try and climb up again, I can't.
Bryan: *extends his hands* here, let me help you.
Monica: Oh thank so much - *slips* oow! He-eeeelp! I'm too young to die...! I haven't even made out with Shane in real life yet!
Shane: you wish! (Meanie!)
Bryan: It's okay, I've got you.
Monica: *climbs over railing* you're my life savior! Thank you so much mister--
Bryan: Call me Bryan.
Monica: Bryan... *blushes* *giggles* *gag*
Bryan: So what makes you think you ought to kill yourself that way?
Monica: well, you see... I, um... *pauses* Hmm, I haven't thought of any crazy enough reason. How does 'I-bought-myself-a-pirated-Westlife-VCD' sound to you?
Westlife: *bulge eyes* What? You did? Die, die, die! ... How much was it, anyway?
Monica: *waves hand in dismissal* Nah, I was just joking. See, I'm engaged to this cruel, cold-hearted man named Shane -
Shane: Hey, you always make me out to be the bad guy!
Monica: it's fun that way. Well, so I'm engaged to him, right, but I don't love him, *pauses* actually, I do like him very very much. He's such a good-looking, sex-aaay fella... *drool* Oh, where was I? Right. I don't love him, and I don't think it's right for me to be marrying him... Actually, that's not such a bad idea...
Bryan: will you just stick to the script?
Monica: Okay, okay. So I don't wanna marry him, though I'd like to see him go natural (heheh, yeah baby), so I think I'd just kill myself.
Bryan: Why didn't you just break the engagement up?
Monica: *shrugs* My dad, li'l Nickaay -
Nicky: What? I'm not that old!
Monica: - won't allow me to let go of him 'cos Shane's loaded, see... *whispering* in more ways than one!
Bryan: you've got one sick mind, girl.
Monica: Look who's talking! Now who says he thinks Mariah Carey has great ti-
Bryan: okay, okay, you win! Now let's move on with the story. *mumbling* at least I get to be the lead character in this one!
Monica: okay, so let's see... what comes next? Oh yeah, li'l Nick-aay thanking you deeply from the bottom of his heart for saving his daughter's life.
Nicky: I thank thee deeply from the bottom of mine heart for saving my daughter's life.
Mark: No need to go all Shakespeare, this isn't Romeo and Juliet!
Kian: Speaking of which, Mon, are you gonna do a parody on Romeo and Juliet anytime soon? 'Cos I'd be more than glad to play Romeo.
Bryan: Awww come on, you guys! This is the first time I got to play lead and you all have to ruin the script!
Mark + Kian: Sorry...
Shane: *looking cool and cold-hearted like an aristocrat now* thank you for saving my girlfriend's life.
Bryan: *bows* it's my pleasure, really *eyes Monica significantly*
Monica: *smiles back and blushes*
Shane: How may I repay you?
Bryan: Well... maybe you could give me one of your fifty horses. Any of the Carltons will do.
Shane: *getting hysterical* Noooooo! Anything but my horses! They're my life, you know! I talk to them whenever I'm lonely!
Monica: *eyes Shane weirdly and inches away from him* Well, ahem, that's... that's cute.
Bryan: 's okay then, I only pulled her up anyway. Now if I sketch her naked, that would be a different case.
Monica: *slaps forehead* Oh (censored)! I forgot about all that drawing and lying on the chaise lounge nekkid... and the shaking car scene! *pauses* Shane, would you mind swapping roles with Bryan?
Bryan: No way! I wanna play lead!!!
Shane: *pouts* No. You assigned me the bad guy role.
Monica: Ooh Shane, I'm so sorry -
Shane: *sticks out tongue* serves you right!
Monica: Aww.... Oh well, we'll get around it somehow. Just don't get any ideas, Bryan, I don't fancy you in that way.
Kian: Maybe I should do the car scene, I'm not speaking much in this story.
Mark: Yeah, me neither.
(So then all of them separated to get a good night sleep. Well, Shane and Monica went together 'cos they're engaged and all, but don't worry, it's not like Mon actually liked Shane in the story :-) But then again, who knows? Heheh...)
A day passed and the ship was now practically in the middle of the vast sea. Bryan was standing alone near the railing, passing wind. Monica spotted him and tapped him on the shoulder shortly after.
Bryan: Hey, how you doing?
Monica: *leans body on the railing* I'm fine. So what are you doing?
Bryan: Me? Oh, I'm perfecting my fart. I feel like letting a huge one off. Wanna join me?
Monica: *scrunches up nose* but that's disgusting!
Bryan: C'mon, it'll be fun. See, you just take a deep breath *takes a deep breath*, hold your stomach *sucks his stomach in*, and just press... press real hard...! *a sound quite like a trombone being blown was heard, and a strange smell wafted in the air*
Monica: I think I'm going to faint.
(Out of a sudden, li'l Nickay and Shane came strolling along the deck, followed by Mark and Kian.)
Mark: Hello... Do I smell roast duck?
Kian: That makes me hungry.
Nicky: Speaking of which... let's all go eat dinner together.
Shane: That sounds great.
Monica: Uhhh... I'll be joining you guys shortly. I just wanna talk to Bryan for a while.
Shane: *frowns in jealousy (woohooo... I love possesive guys, don't you?)* Well, okay then.
Monica: *pulls Bryan away to a secluded area* come, Bryan.
Bryan: So what's this all about?
Monica: Nothing... I just wanna thank you personally about yesterday... and well... I just want to be alone with you, I guess. *eyes a sketch pad Bryan was holding for the first time* hey, what's that?
Bryan: This? Umm, nothing! I draw. Yeah, that's it.
Monica: May I take a look?
(Monica snatches the sketch pad away from Bryan but as she flipped through the pages, her eyes grew big)
Monica: Wow! What are these? Abstract paintings? Oh! I recognise this! *points to one drawing* These are scales and balance, right? What do they symbolize?
Bryan: Uhhh, actually, those are the boobs of a naked lady.
Monica: Oh, really? Wow, I'd never have guessed! Bryan, I think you're such a great artist! Would you mind drawing me this way? Okay, I can't believe I just said that, it's just plain gross! That means I'd have to get undressed in front of you - ugh! Gimme Shane anytime! Now where's my double for this scene... *Kerry from Atomic Kitten shows up* oh, here she is.
Bryan: *eyes glazing* Kerry!
Kerry: *eyes glazing too* Bryan!
Monica: I think I'm gonna be sick. C'mon, let's get this over with.
(So Bryan made a sketch of Kerry lying on her side on the chaise lounge and after that, Kerry left.)
Bryan: why can't she stay and play Rose?
Monica: 'Cos that wouldn't make the story as funny! I mean, Kerry's not a crazed teenie fan obsessed with Shane, is she?
Monica: *claps hands* okay, so what's next? Hummm, I can't really remember the order of occurrence of the scenes in the movie... So let's do the car now.
Bryan: *perks up* all right! Will Kerry be doubling for you again?
Monica: you wish! No, you wouldn't get some, I assure you.
Bryan: but -
Monica: no butts, baby. Now chop chop, let's get moving! We have a deadline to follow, a movie - well, sort of - to finish, and a Titanic replica to be sunk!
Monica played cat and mouse with Bryan, letting him chase her around the ship (how tacky), until the two of them came into a room filled with cars. Slowly, as if fascinated by the sight, Monica walked up to one old-fashioned car and pressed her index finger against one of the windows.
Monica: Hmm, how dusty. The car would get me sneezing in no time! Bryan -
Bryan: yes, wanna go inside the car now?
Bryan: okay, I get the idea.
Monica: I just want you to wipe the car, I can't stand the dust!
Bryan: *rolls eyes* fine, fine.
(since there's no cloth around to clean the car with, Bry-Bry used his bare hand to wipe the windows clean. He pressed his palms against the windows, making a squeaky noise as the dust moved residence from the car to his hands. And you know, even though I've tried making this scene sound as PG as possible, it still seemed kind of erotic to me, or maybe I just have a sick mind :-) So sorry, I've tried my best - and actually, it's not so bad, is it?)
(Well, anyways, to keep a long story short, Monica and Bryan were caught in the act of wiping the car by li'l Nick-aay and Shane.)
Shane: Mon, how could you...!
Monica: How could I what? Sorry, I just think it's a li'l bit dusty here.
Nicky: What an ungrateful daughter you are! We aren't talking about the car, we're talking about this! *waves a piece of paper in the air*
Monica: What's that?
Shane: *his face puffed red* What's this, you ask?! Then look! *he throws the piece of paper at her*
Monica: *catches it and saw a stick figure with big boobs drawn on it* Oh, that's not me, that's Kerry, Bry-Bry's legitimate girlfriend.
Shane: Whatever! I still hate that Bryan guy and now I'm gonna call the guards! Guaaards!
(Kian and Mark appeared wearing tacky uniforms)
Kian: *murmuring* I hate this story... *to Shane* Yes, sir?
Shane: I want you two to secure this sick-minded pervert!
(Kian and Mark went and grabbed Mon by the arms)
Monica: Hey...! He meant Bryan!
Kian + Mark: Whoops, sorry! *drag Bryan away*
Bryan: What?! What did I do wrong?! I didn't stare at no one's breasts, I swear! ... Though Mariah Carey has great ti-
Mark: Just move along, buddy.
Monica: *crying* noo... please don't! I love him! *gag* No, I mean it, I really do!
Shane: *turns around and glares at Monica fiercely* I dare you to say that again!
Monica: I -
Monica: Woooo... now this is getting exciting! Bastard!
Monica: Cutie pie!
(the two of them ended up making up and out... aww, ain't that sweet?)
While Bryan was getting separated from his lover (ugh... maybe that's for the best - I want Shane!) the captain, leader of the ship, was also having problems of his own.
Mark: *now dressed up like Popeye* cap'n, I saw an iceberg coming towards us!
Kian: You mean the ship is coming towards the iceberg. *pauses* ARGH! The ship's coming towards the iceberg! We're gonna drown! We're gonna be destroyed! We're doomed! *dun dun dunnn...!* Quick, we have to stir the ship away from the iceberg!
Mark: Aye aye, cap'n. Hey, where did I pick up this accent?
(they tried their best to stir the ship away, but it's just plain stubborn. It seemed like a magnet was pulling the mighty Titanic towards the iceberg, and there was just no way out. The ship finally hit the iceberg. Something cracked and it started to wobble unsteadily.)
Kian: Mark! Inform the passengers to remain calm and composed even though in approximately five minutes the ship would sink and we would all die freezing from the cold!
Mark: Aye aye, cap'n... You're right Kian, I hate this story. Now I'm starting to talk like a pirate.
(Shortly after, lifeboats were already thrown into the sea and people were running and screaming around like they were chasing boybands. Some jumped into the sea and died, while some jumped into the lifeboats, got kicked by others already inside the boats, and died. In the midst of this confusion, Monica ran around looking for Bryan and vice versa. They bumped into each other in the end, and waded their way around the huge ship already half-filled with sea water.)
Monica: *gasping* okay, now what are we gonna do?
Bryan: Why, jump into safety, of course. The ship would turn upside down in no time.
Monica: Uh oh!
(Shane, li'l Nick-aay, Kian, and Mark joined them.)
Shane: OK Mon, let's get into the lifeboat.
Bryan: Wait, what about me?!
Monica: *singing* bye bye Bryan...
(In a minute, Monica, Shane, li'l Nickay, Kian and Mark were already safely floating away in a smaller boat. In the distance they saw the Titanic sinking slowly into the sea, and Bryan's cry for help could be heard from inside the ship: "noooooooooo! I don't wanna dieeee! I promise I wouldn't look down Mariah Carey's dress any mooooore! Just heeeeeelp meeeeeee!"... A helicopter suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and it dragged Bry-Bry up before he could freeze to death.)
Shane: I thought for a minute there he'd actually die.
Monica: Aww, come on, I'd promised the other fans that no Westlifer would be harmed in the making of this story.
Shane: Well, that's okay I guess. Are you up for a kiss or two?
Monica: *perks up* of course!
Nicky: Ahem! Behave yourselves, young people.
Kian: *turns around to face Mark* you know, this parody's one piece of trash. What's the whole point of it? What's the message hidden behind it? And what's up with me not having much lines in the story?!?!
Mark: Aye aye, cap'n.
Kian: Never mind!
What a corny end...
::Note:: The night I wrote this beautiful piece of literature (OK, you can throw up now), I had a nightmare. And it involves Bry-Bry getting down on his knees... *shudders* fortunately, I woke up in time, sweating profusely and gasping for air. Yes, it was that bad. My pure innocent mind was almost soiled! That should teach me - I would not ever, ever write a story with Bry-Bry as the main character, ever again. *whimpers* Now I'm scarred for life! Oh well, a psychotherapeutic session with Dr Shane Filan should help...
Bryan: *sob* it isn't fair! It's not my fault that you find me irresistible even in your sleep!
Monica: You? Irresistible?? *burst out crying* waahhhhh... Shaaane... the big elephant man scares me!
Bryan: The big elephant man? *burst out crying too* waahhhhh... I want my Kerry...!