Written by Abby Normal
Being super cool big shots with vengeance in their hearts and delusions in their minds can be very tiring. After weeks of ass-kicking and hiding from the law--hey, they did completely torch the set of Lusitania, wasting lives and money, and now they’ve been assaulting people in their own homes--that terrific trio, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and Billy Zane were almost ready to give up. But they didn’t--because that goes against the morals that Titanic tried to instill in us, dammit! But finding the addresses of the online critics had been the easy part. Actually, it had been the part they didn’t do. Their agents did that for them. Isn’t being a celebrity fun, kids? But they did all the beating and dirty work themselves, following in the example of their heroes Jay and Silent Bob.
Leo: All right, guys. Here we are. Our last stop. Boston, Massachusetts.
Kate: I don’t think I can do it anymore. I’m so tired.
Billy: I need to use the bathroom.
Kate: See? Billy, too.
Leo: You can’t give up now. Just one more. One more!
Kate: What if they call the cops? We were already on the news.
Billy: Yeah. It’s too much.
Leo: I know. I’m tired, too, but we can’t give up. We’ve come this far. We are too involved now. We are going to make it. We will survive. No matter how hopeless--
Kate: Who do you think you are? Jack fucking Dawson?
Leo: Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Billy: Well, as long as you don’t start going into the St. Crispian’s Day speech from Henry the Fifth.
Kate: Who’s next?
Leo: (looks at the paper) Bitchmasterpimp. Lives at this address. (points)
Kate: Look at this guy. He has the worst taste. He despised Titanic, but absolutely raved about Pearl Harbor, Forces of Nature, and Good Will Hunting II: Hunting Season.
Billy: Weird…hey, look! It’s Matt Damon!
Leo: Take a picture!
Kate snaps a picture of Matt Damon. They wave at him.
Matt: (to himself) Who the fuck are those guys?
Kate: We’re really big fans.
Matt: Thanks. What are you guys wandering around like this for?
Billy: Like what?
Matt: Like the Mod Squad. Look at you crazy fucks.
Leo: We’re seeking revenge. We really liked Good Will Hunting, by the way.
Matt: Yeah. I think it definitely should have won best picture, though. I almost never brag, but that I really believe.
Leo, Kate, and Billy: (growing very angry) No, it shouldn’t have!
Matt: All right. Have it your way. That’s just my opinion. I can tell you where you can find that address, though. Right around the corner. Number’s right out front. Can’t miss it.
Kate: Okay. Thanks!
Billy: Later, then!
Leo: Can we have your autograph, Mr. Damon?
Matt: No. Go away.
They run off to see their final victim. Matt doubles over laughing.
Matt: Wait a minute…were they…?
Our heroes skip around the corner and knock on the front door of the last house.
No one opens the door, but a voice is heard from within.
Voice: Who the fuck is it?
Billy: How are you doing today, sir? (stifles his laughter)
Kate: Are you the one who calls himself Pimpmasterbitch?
Leo: (nudges her) It’s Bitchmasterpimp.
Kate: Sorry, Bitchmasterpimp on moviepoopscoop.com?
Voice: Yeah. Who the fuck are you?
Leo: Did you say Titanic is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, worse than Battlefield Earth? (gasps) As are all James Cameron movies without Arnold. A fictional love story on the Titanic is a worse idea than, God forbid, a Jay and Silent Bob movie, but we all know that’ll never happen. It was too fucking long, the boat took too fucking long to sink, and that was the only good part. If you even can call it that. The plot sucked, the script sucked… (with particular emphasis) …and the acting sucked. After two minutes into it, I just couldn’t take anymore of… (again with emphasis) …pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio prancing around, and he hadn’t even been on screen yet. Maybe the three hundred-year-old Gloria Stuart reminded me of him, for some unknown reason. Or maybe it was because I knew his sorry ass would take up the screen later and for most of the movie. Kate Winslet wasn’t naked for nearly as much time as she should have been. What else is she good for? What else is any woman good for? And as for James Cameron and new bitch toys Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and Billy Zane, they can go fuck themselves in their own asses and eat their own shit and kiss my hairy ass while they’re doing it. I hope their sexual organs freeze and fall off in the icy waters of the North Atlantic. --Bitchmasterpimp 1/23/98
Voice: Who the fuck are you?
The door opens. It’s Ben Affleck!
Leo, Kate, and Billy: Ben Affleck?
Kate gives him a good kick in the balls. Billy and Leo drag him outside and proceed to beat the living shit out of him while Matt, his best friend, watches and laughs. After they beat him into bloody pulp, they look down at him in awe.
Billy: Wow, Mr. Affleck. I’d just like to say we’re really big fans.
Kate: May we have your autograph, please? It would mean so much to us.
Ben: What would you give me for it?
Kate kicks him again.
Billy: Well, kids, I think it’s time to go. Return to our lives as they once were. Our job is done.
Matt: All right. I’ll take over from here.
Leo: (leaning into the house) What’s that smell?
Matt: Probably just a dead hooker.
Leo: Silly Affleck.
Matt: I know. (smiles and shakes his head)
Matt cleans up Ben. Leo, Kate, and Billy walk off into the sunset.
Kate: Let’s go home, boys. See our families and friends. Make other movies. Book talk shows and the like. We absolutely must keep in touch now. I love you guys.
Billy: Yes. We are cool. And I do love you. Even you, Leo.
Leo: Yeah, we love you, too, Katie.
Billy: Oh, that Affleck!
Leo: Yeah, what a guy!
Kate: He’s so cool!
Billy: I do feel kind of bad we had to beat the shit out of him.
Leo: Yeah. Tears. Sigh. Whatever. Life goes on.
Kate: Yes, it does. We should call Jim and tell we know Matt and Ben.
Billy: But we killed Jim.
Leo: We got medieval on his ass, too.
Billy: I feel a little guilty, though.
Leo: Move on. What’s done is done.
Kate: Wait a minute, guys.
Kate: I think we’re running out of sunset to ride off into.
Leo: Do you just want to end the movie here, then?
Cut to black.