Written by Harry’s Girl
It was like any other day for NYC
habitant Lena Econo, seventeen. Stopped at Starbucks for breakfast and had the
usual frappuccino and cranberry-nut muffin. Then, she stopped at the newsstand
to grab a copy of Teen Vogue magazine. When she was walking down to the
harbor, she made a shocking discovery!
The body of Titanic captain E.J.
Smith was found doing a backstroke in the water! She ran to the nearest person
and told him to take a picture of this ancient man of the sea.
"I totally freaked out! The
old geezer was singing the song Holla Back Girl by Gwen Stefani. It was
totally freaky! I screamed at him to go get a makeover. But the old geezer kept
on singing, "This is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S."
The photographer, who wished to
remain anonymous, said only this, "Dude...old guys in the water singing
are cool...whoa..." It was very obvious that this anonymous person was not
fully awake or had just had crystal meth.
Later, Lena took the captain to
the National Enquirer headquarters to be interviewed.
Interviewer: So, captain, how did
you survive the sinking of the Titanic?
Captain: Uh...I don't know.
Interviewer: There must be some
way! You must remember!
Captain: Uh...nope, I got
nothing.
Interview: (Sigh.) Let's try this
again...how did you survive the sinking?
Captain: (Looks over in
distance.) What's that box-like thing-a-majigg on your wall? And it has moving
pictures! Cool!
Interviewer: (Very angrily.)
Answer the question, Goddammit! Son of a bitch!
After the captain refused to
answer the question, Lena took the captain to her great-great grandpa's house
to have a good look at the old man of the sea.
Lena's great-great-grandfather, Romano
Papadopolis, was a survivor on the Titanic and said only this to the captain.
"Holy shit, you're
old!"
The captain got angry and punched
Papadopolis in the face. Papadopolis kicked the captain in the appendix and
slapped him a couple of times. The captain’s heart finally gave out after fifty
minutes of fighting and he was pronounced dead at three AM that morning. Thirty
seconds later, the captain sprang back to life because the coroner was drinking
lemon tea. And I quote, "Oh, my good God! Lemon tea! My favorite!"
The End.