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tirades

updated 1.14.02

megaplexes
(1.31.98)
57 theaters and nothing's good

blockbuster video
(2.21.98)
scathing slam from an ex-blockbuster employee (me)

get over titanic, everybody!
(3.14.98)
the inevitable backlash piece

stupid trailers
(4.4.98)
they might as well just say "this movie blows. stay home."

floyd goes to the movies
(4.18.98)
going to movies stoned: the definition of waste.

apocaflicks now
(5.9.98)
spewing on the then-current rash of disaster movies

tourists
(5.23.98)
an especially misanthropic piece. yay!

big gay disney's
big gay boat ride

(6.6.98)
wherein we manage to skewer both the fundamentalists who protested disney for having gay days, and disney for hypocritically taking gay money

art vs. entertainment
(6.20.1998)
a long think-piece on what we mean when we say the A-word or the E-word

soundtracks
(8.8.98)
or, "music from and inspired by"

adjust the facts, ma'am
(8.23.98)
laughter at journalistic pundits who huff and puff over "inaccurate" movies based on real events

celebrity
(9.12.98)
do you know who akira kurosawa was?

on second thought
(9.26.98)
do movie critics ever change their minds about a film later?

uninvited
(11.7.98)
your basic alanis morissette backlash piece

party like it's 1999
(2.7.99)
stumbling upon a 1989 omni article predicting what 1999 will be like

the usual bullshit
(2.14.99)
wherein we examine attacks on entertainment by steve "TV is a moral sewer" allen and jerry "tinky winky is gay" falwell

the columbine shootings:
a media chronology

(4.26.99)
satire of the american/media overreaction to littleton's darkest hour. it was a terrible event, but we're still suffering the fallout -- "zero tolerance" policies in schools, hollywood knuckling under to opportunistic politicians, etc.

getting alienated
(6.7.99)
lengthy appreciation of the alien movies

the blair witch products
(8.8.99)
rant about the ubiquitous merchandise connected to that year's most overrated home video

consider the source
(8.29.99)
who really takes imdb users' comments seriously, anyway?

for love of the genre
(9.12.99)
why is sam raimi distancing himself from his past great movies?

stoops to conquer
(10.11.99)
life imitates art when the catholic church seems to take a page from an alexander payne satire

the return of a bastard art form
(2.6.00)
fotonovels are back! aiiieee!

wastes of plastic
(3.19.00)
a look at "pegwarmers" -- action figures that never had a chance

there can be only one ... copyrighted slayer©
(8.17.01)
what is up with these corporations driving stakes through the hearts of the very fansites that pay tribute to their product?

These are mainly angry, mostly R-rated, and mostly entertainment-related Tirades of mine from the past few years. They are considerably more freewheeling and opinionated than my regular reviews, so beware. Or enjoy. Whichever.

And don't bother sending me emails on the order of "You suck because I totally disagree with you blah blah whine bitch moan." They will only be laughed at, perhaps forwarded to friends for them to snicker at as an example of idiotic reader feedback, and then deleted.

All of the Tirades will open in a new window. And some of these aren't really "tirades" so much as essays. Though there may be some tirading.

 star wars-related tirades

a star wars chronology
(4.11.99)
beginning with two actual news factoids about lucasfilm's demands re: the theatrical handling of episode I, then spinning off into the realm of satire

may the score be with you
(5.16.99)
we scoff at the promo flyer sony classical sent to retail stores hyping the episode I soundtrack

phantom menace:
the illustrated screenplay

(5.16.99)
a cold-eyed look at the non-computer-enhanced story (ha) of episode I

top 10 bullshit excuses for
phantom menace

(5.23.99)
it blew! admit it! here's why!

 the '90s

the '90s, part one:
the fall of the manly man

(10.31.99)
first of a five-part series on the state of movies in the 20th century's last decade

the '90s, part two:
chick flicks

(11.7.99)
examines "oprah cinema"

the '90s, part three:
the man who owned the decade

(11.14.99)
who was the quintessential director of the '90s?

the '90s, part four:
a new golden age?

(11.21.99)
why the '90s really didn't suck that much

the '90s, part five:
the tail that wags the dog

(11.28.99)
anti-CGI rant

remake/sequel foolishness

night of the living tirade
(11.21.98)
wherein john russo is crucified for his presumptuous remix of romero's classic

ten reasons why the
psycho remake failed

(12.12.98)
what it says.

an open letter to
francis ford coppola

(6.27.99)
beseeching the vintner not to make a godfather IV, which at the time seemed a probable sequel. now that puzo's dead, maybe not so much.

dawn of the tirade
(8.8.01)
in which beacon pictures is torn a new one for remaking a classic

raping our movie memories
(10.26.01)
why can't moviemakers keep their frickin' hands off of their own movies?

tributes

r.i.p. j.t.
(3.7.98)
tribute to a great character actor

phil hartman, we hardly knew ye
(5.30.98)
response to a great comedian's downfall

good grief!
(12.19.99)
tribute to charles m. schulz, who was still with us at the time this was written. includes an image put together after his passing.

when the lights go down
(9.4.01)
tribute to pauline kael. we hope they're playing an altman retrospective up in heaven...

ted demme, 1963-2002
(1.14.02)
the untimely passing of a promising, could've-been-great director

television stupidity

edited for television
(9.9.98)
why do networks bother to pay big bucks to show bowdlerized versions of box-office hits? includes analysis of network version of goodfellas

staked through the heart
(5.31.99)
thoughts on the WB's post-columbine postponement of the buffy the vampire slayer season finale

david lynched
(9.6.99)
dissing ABC for dissing Lynch's mulholland drive

saturday night dying
(9.27.99)
thoughts on SNL's 25th anniversary

bunch of savages in this town...
(6.11.00)
ABC cancels kevin smith's clerks toon after 2 episodes; we respond vigorously

crybabies
(2.7.98)
when will pressure groups learn they're just supplying free publicity?

shut the fuck up
(3.28.98)
people who talk during movies must die. sorry. it's true.

guns
(4.11.98)
yup, a political, gun-control piece. no apology.

the new hollywood
(4.25.98)
how the trailblazers of the '70s gave way to the whores of the '90s

letterboxing
(5.16.98)
this isn't as much of an issue now with the popularity of DVDs, but we still hear the occasional dipshit sound off against "da black bars"

setting a date
(6.13.98)
the folly of futuristic movies that get specific about when they're set

the list is hype
(8.8.98)
the AFI 100 list and the modern library list come in for some swatting

genre bigotry
(8.15.98)
"i don't like westerns," "i don't like horror movies," blah blah blah ... no, you just don't like the bad ones

i'm with the banned
(9.26.98)
piece written for banned books week

none of our business
(10.4.98)
do we really need to know the gory details about the sexual mishaps of bill clinton and j.d. salinger? does it actually extend our life span, or something? i mean, c'mon.

not so beloved
(11.14.98)
why did beloved flop at the box office? we have a few theories

ten years! ten!
(11.28.98)
why you shouldn't attend your ten-year high-school reunion

ten reasons why i hate christmas
(12.19.98)
what it says.

a good face forward?
(2.7.99)
protesting the protests against the PJs

confessions of an ebay addict
(4.4.99)
we're still hooked, but not as much

ten things i hate
about ... whatever

(4.18.99)
just being randomly pissy

the book was better
(5.3.99)
when bad movies happen to good books

rated R for ridiculous
(6.13.99)
why the new enforcement of the R rating doesn't work

ten things that piss
me off this week

(7.26.99)
more random pissiness. those who mourned JFK Jr. should probably give this a wide berth. incidentally, our #6 has proven quite prescient.

rules for the new millennium:
on the road

(8.22.99)
our brand of recommended fascism

rules for the new millennium:
the movie theater

(9.15.99)
more fascism

isn't it ironic?
(10.3.99)
in defense of jedediah purdy and his concern about the culture of irony

oh, brother, what is this?
(10.17.99)
why do the coens' movies always look stupid on paper, only to kick ass on the screen?

the 1999 oscar nominations:
the inside scoop

(2.12.00)
the real reasons certain people and films are or aren't nominated

hooters
(3.19.00)
no, not a rant against the sleazy chain restaurant. rather, a rant against movie critics' preoccupation with julia roberts' cleavage in erin brockovich

no matter where you go...
(12.22.01)
hey you marketing people, stop sending us offers for free DVDs if we put your crappy banners on our site!


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