The following is an email I randomly got from some marketing company handling the hype for the DVD release of Buckaroo Banzai. Now, this is one of the all-time cool movies and I'm buying the disc the minute it hits the shelves anyway, but I'm not taking these guys up on their offer to send me the DVD free if I put their Buckaroo Banzai banners on my page. Why? Two reasons: (A) This is the second time they've sent me this frickin' email, and (B) the banners are extremely lame:
See what I mean?
Not only are they stupidly designed (what's up with that Clutch Cargo effect on Peter Weller in the first banner??), they're the kind of unsightly, hopelessly unhip clutter no self-respecting Blue Blaze Irregular would have anywhere near his, her, or its website. (Well, except to demonstrate how cheesy they are, as I've just done.)
So here's that email, with comments by me interspersed.
>Date: Thu, 20 Dec 2001 11:35:28 -0800
>Subject: Jeff Goldblum DVD release of Buckaroo Banzai - help support it and get the free DVD!
>Greetings from A.D.D. Marketing!
Hey, how's it going.
>I'm figuring you may be a fan of Jeff Goldblum, seeing that you have a fansite and all.
Huh? I have a review site, but no "fansite." Especially not one for Jeff Goldblum. I mean he's cool and all, but...
>We're looking for sites just like yours to help us spread the good word about the new DVD release for Jeff's 1984 cult classic "Buckaroo Banzai: Across the 8th Dimension hitting stores January 1, 2002.
So basically I do your work for you.
>What you can do to help is to put a banner on your site that we've created for this special DVD release.
I might if the banners weren't so fuckin lame.
>In exchange for placing this banner, we'll graciously send you a copy of the Buckaroo Banzai DVD, filled with restored scenes that were once deleted, Director's (W.D. Richter) comments, jet car secrets and more!
So basically I do your work for you for a retail value of $20. Now, if I were to get a different free DVD every time someone clicked through to your site...
>Now would that be a cool, effortless holiday gift for yourself, or what?!
I dunno, man, you tell me.
>The sooner you can post the banners onto your site, the better. But the official deadline for this offer is January 10, 2001, so act fast!
Oh, I'll be sure to.
>If you are able to get in on the deal in time, just go to http://www.buzzfirst.com/mgm/buckaroobanzai/hookmeup.html to get all the stuff you need. You'll be able to see the banners there before you place them.
I saw the banners. I ain't placing them. Get ones that don't suck, maybe we'll talk.
>Thanks in advance for your time and support!
Thanks in advance for leaving me the fuck alone and not sending me this same email a third time.
>Make sure to email me any questions you may have and don't forget to send me your mailing address when you post the banner so we can send you the DVD!
How about I just buy it in a store when it comes out and you send me $20 as a consultant's fee for telling you the banners are ass.
This isn't the first time I've gotten email like this, either. Because I have an entertainment-related site, occasionally I get spammed by publicity flacks trolling the Web looking for any webmaster who might bend over and stick an ugly banner on their homepage in exchange for a free DVD. The last one I got was from some woman flacking for the American Werewolf in London and Boogeymen DVDs, and while her email wasn't quite as corny as the above, the banners were equally lame, and I didn't reply to that one, either.
Any publicitywraiths out there who happen to read this: Let me save you some time. Send your inquiries to someone else. I'm not interested. I'm not gonna sell out by putting some hideous banner ad designed by Stevie Wonder on my site in exchange for a disc that's only gonna cost me $20 or less.
Thanks in advance for your time and support.