Bruce G. Hallenbeck
Misty Mundae (Misty)
Darian Caine (Kristen)
Esmerelda DeLarocca (Dr. Humboldt)
Bruce Hallenbeck (Professor Kleve)
Rich George (The Mummy)
Brian Paulin (Gunman)
mpaa rating: none
time: 46m (count 'em,
release: November 27,
availability: VHS -
A trash-movie conflation of
two hits (The
Mummy and Tomb
Raider), as is Seduction Cinema's wont (though they usually
only rip off one big hit at a time, making this venture
unusually ambitious for them).
hell did you even give this the time of day?
I'd been meaning to sample
the cheerfully schlocky wares of Seduction Cinema -- throwback
as it is to the palmy days of '70s exploitation, when actresses
thought nothing of stripping in the service of inane action/horror
"plots" -- and this seemed like a good start; I had
hoped that, if nothing else, it might be more entertaining than
Tomb Raider. Besides, look at Misty Mundae on the box
art; she looks too adorable waving those guns around.
Who is Misty
One may, if one is so inclined,
discover more about Ms. Mundae via her website;
her career thus far has been long on video fromage like
this one (and at least one hardcore offering). What she has to
sell is a certain wide-eyed sweetness and a general laid-back
demeanor, as if she's not taking her job all that seriously.
She also has an offhand, if lackadaisical, way with dialogue;
she kind of shrugs and smiles her way through her role. Still,
if you find her comely, there are worse things to watch.
Such as what calls itself a
story here. Kristen (Darian Caine) has been kidnapped by neo-Nazi
Dr. Humboldt (Esmerelda DeLarocca) because she knows how to revive
a mummy in Dr. Humboldt's possession. With this mummy, the Fourth
Reich will become invincible (hard to see how, since the mummy
turns to dust with one well-aimed bullet). So it's Misty Mundae,
mummy raider, to the rescue! Misty shoots lots of henchmen (including
the director, a jack-of-all-trades who also shot and edited the
video and designed the mummy make-up) and saves Kristen and her
professor dad (screenwriter Bruce Hallenbeck).
up a whole 90 minutes?
Um, no. Because the movie only
runs 46 minutes. And here's the funny part: there's exactly 24
minutes' worth of story here. Literally. Because 24 minutes in,
Misty and Kristen settle in for some Sapphic recreation. After
a while, the forgiven Dr. Humboldt joins in (never taking off
her camouflage hat). This goes on for the remainder of the 46-minute
video. (Less about five minutes for the credits and a senseless
recap of the film's "highlights" to pad things out.)
In this case, brevity is the soul of shit.
Oh, so it's
that kind of video.
Yep. Pretty much what you'd
expect from the studio that brought you The Erotic Witch Project,
Erotic Survivor, Playmate of the Apes, and Gladiator
Eroticus. This is one of their few products that isn't immediately
recognizable as what it is -- lesbian softcore -- and therefore
runs the risk of being purchased by clueless moms for their kids.
I find that possibility amusing (and a little scary -- it only
took one pissed-off Texas mom to get the Swamp Thing DVD
not only pulled from Blockbuster shelves but pulled from the
How is it
as a movie?
Pretty shabby. The actresses
read their lines. It's all shot in what looks to be a warehouse.
I got a chuckle out of the difference between the shots wherein
Misty is actually firing live blanks (she blinks) and when she's
just aiming the gun with its muzzle offscreen and jiggling it
to suggest discharge so that a gunshot sound can be looped in
later (she doesn't blink). I guess the crew needed to save money
for blanks wherever they could. The music, by Audio Assembley
(sic), adds the ridiculous sighing ambience of, well, lesbian
softcore. Which, I repeat, is what this is; the 24 minutes before
the real action are merely justification.
How is it
Eh. Never cared much for girl-girl
action, since it's so obviously staged for the benefit of lesbo-obsessed
guys and very rarely shows any semblance of genuine lust or even
affection. I skip-searched through most of it. The first 24 minutes
are pretty skip-worthy, too, especially if you're a lesbo-obsessed
guy, in which case you'll likely want to jump to the halfway
mark to catch what you bought/rented the disc for.