December 27
Title: Simple Plan: A Big Package for You (2003)
Directors: Patrick Langlois, Chuck Comeau
Cast: Simple Plan - Pierre Bouvier, Chuck Comeau, David Desrosiers, Sebastian Lefebvre, Jeff Stinco
Thoughts: While non-fans of Montreal based pop-punk band Simple Plan will likely be mildly annoyed by the antics on display here, this is a must have for the rest of us. Essentially a record of the history of the band, from their formation in 1999 to late 2003, this Big Package contains footage of the guys touring other countries, making their videos and just hanging out, behaving like complete asses. Most entertaining, for me anyway, is the guys’ penchant for homo-eroticism, including a couple of near kisses, play wrestling and group showering. Most impressive, though, is their genuine enthusiasm for playing live, regardless of the size of the audience (at a show in Germany, the band was barely outnumbered by the crowd there to see them), and their visible appreciation for their fans. There’s a little bit of Jackass-esque humour, but if you can tolerate that (or if you like it), then you’re in for a really fun documentary about a terrific group of guys.
Grade: A-
Movies seen in November but not mentioned below: Analyze That (2002) B-; Anger Management (2003) C-; Antwone Fisher (2002) B; Basic (2003) B-; The Believer (2001) B; Bend it Like Beckham (2003) B+; Brother’s Keeper (1992) A-; Car Wash (1976) B-; Castle in the Sky (1986) B+; The Corpse Vanishes (1942) C-; Dark Blue (2003) B+; Drop Dead Fred (1991) D; The Emperor’s Club (2002) C+; Empire (2002) C+; Final Destination 2 (2003) C+; A Guy Thing (2003) C-; Hollywood Homicide (2003) B+; Horror Rises From the Tomb (1976) F; The Hours (2002) B; The Lady From Shanghai (1948) B+; Lenny (1974) B; Lilies of the Field (1963) B+; The Man From Elysian Fields (2002) B+; El Mariachi (1993) B; Memorial Valley Massacre (1988) D-; Moonlight Mile (2002) B; National Security (2003) D; Night of the Ghoul (1975) B-; Partners (1982) C; The Pianist (2002) A-; Roger Dodger (2002) A-; Secretary (2002) B; Slave to the Cannibal God (1978) C+; Talk to Her (2002) B+; That’s Entertainment (1974) B+; 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) C+; The Wild Thornberrys Movie (2002) C-; Wrong Turn (2003) C
November 18
Title: The Office: Season 1 (2001)
Cast: Ricky Gervais, Martin Freeman, Mackenzie Crook, Lucy Davis, Ralph Ineson
Directors: Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant
Thoughts: All I knew about this show when I rented it was that American critics were raving about it. I watched the first episode and was, to be frank, really annoyed by Gervais’ character, David Brent. Brent is the clueless boss in an office full of workers who barely tolerate him. The premise of the first season is that a film crew, sometimes acknowledged, other times not, is documenting the lives of these people just as they learn that their office might be closed. The first episode immediately gets to work showing just how out of touch with the people around him that Brent is. He constantly makes jokes that never get a reaction, aside from polite smiles and eyerolls, and grins as though he’s waiting for a standing ovation. He lies to people, despite how easy it’ll be to prove him wrong. He basically acts like a child. Of his employees, the stand-outs are Freeman, as Tim, and Crook, as Gareth. Tim is the one most likely to, some day, jump out of his chair, scream profanities at Brent and smack him across the face. He’s far too comfortable where he is at the moment to do it now though. Gareth is far too young and inexperienced for the responsibilities he thinks he has. He’s basically Brent’s assistant and is assigned jobs like educating new employees on the proper way to pick up boxes and finding out who is distributing pornography around the office. Tim despises Gareth, and in the first episode, Tim comes off looking like a bully to poor Gareth. Soon after, you see that Gareth deserves everything he gets, including having his stapler congealed in Jell-O. After the first episode, I took a few hours off and came back to watch the rest of it and it was much better. Then, after 3 or 4 episodes, it started to get a little redundant, repeating the idea that Brent is a moron and Gareth is his shadow. But that’s forgivable. It took some getting used to, but now that I’m in the groove, I’ll probably like future episodes even more.
Grade: B+
November 12
Title: The Transformers: Season 1 (1984)
Cast: Michael Bell, Corey Burton, Scatman Crothers, Casey Kasem
Directors: Jay Bacal, John Gibbs, John Walker
Thoughts: I bought this DVD set quite a while ago and it’s taken me a lot longer to finish watching it than I thought it would. The Transformers just doesn’t hold the same appeal for me that it used to. Now that I’m older, I can’t help but notice the glaring plot holes, continuity errors, colouring mistakes, story redundancies and, to be honest, that it’s an overall bad show. It sure is fun though. It’s basically the story of two gangs of robots, one called The Autobots, the other called The Decepticons, that compete for energy on their home planet of Cybertron. Early in the first episode, the two gangs board ships and, after a devastating space battle, crash land on Earth. Millions of years pass until it’s present day and the robots are revived and given the ability to transform into vehicles familiar to the time and place. The Decepticons immediately set about trying to suck all the energy they can out of the Earth, with no regard for what it will do to the people who live there, while the Autobots try to stop them. Again and again and again. My memory tells me that the episodes got better when the characters from the 1986 feature film were introduced to the series, but I’m most likely wrong about that. Still, I can’t argue with nostalgia. If only I could remember where all my toys were.
Grade: B+
November 9
Title: Get Your Stuff (2000)
Cast: Anthony Meindl, Cameron Watson, Blayn Barbosa, Grady Hutt, Elaine Hendrix, Kimberly Scott, Patience Cleveland, JM J. Bullock, David Faustino, Lisa Ann Walter
Director: Max Mitchell
Thoughts: Somewhat admirable, though ultimately unsuccessful attempt at a gay adoption comedy/drama. Eric and Phil (Meindl and Watson) are a guppie couple in Beverly Hills who want to adopt a baby, but instead are inexplicably and absurdly saddled with 8 and 12 year old boys (Barbosa and Hutt) with absolutely no notice. It isn’t long before their chemically dependent mother (Hendrix) moves in too, thanks to doormat Phil who doesn’t seem to understand that he’s an enabler, despite being a couples counselor. Even though there’s an alcoholic living in his house, and even after Barbosa is revealed to be one too, the liquor cabinet remains fully stocked and out in the open. At first, it’s supposed to be a foster situation, but everyone predictably becomes attached to everyone else. The comedy is too forced and the drama is mostly cliché, if it weren’t for the serviceable cast, the movie would have been a complete failure.
Grade: C-
Movies seen in October but not mentioned below: Antibody (2002) C+; The Aristocats (1970) B-; The Best Years of Our Lives (1946) B+; Boat Trip (2003) D-; Boondock Saints (1999) B-; The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1921) C+; Chicago (2002) B; Circus of Fear (1966) B; Cradle 2 the Grave (2003) C+; The Curse of Frankenstein (1957) B; Drumline (2002) B-; Easy Riders, Raging Bulls (2003) A-; Femme Fatale (2002) B+; Gangs of New York (2002)B+; Ghost Ship (2002) B; The Gold Rush (1925) B; The Golden Child (1986) D+; The Horror of Dracula (1958) B; How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003) B; The Italian Job (2003) B+; jackass: the movie (2002) C; The Kid Stays in the Picture (2002) A-; Lost in Translation (2003) A-; Maid in Manhattan (2002) B; May (2003) A-; Mr. Show: The Complete Third Season (1997) A-; The Mummy (1959) B-; Night of the Death Cult (1977) D-; Night Train to Terror (1985) D-; The Omega Man (1971) B; Personal Velocity (2002) B; Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy (2001) B; Punch Drunk Love (2002) C; The Seven Samurai (1956) A-; Shanghai Knights (2003) B; Sordid Lives (2001) C-; Targets (1968) B+; Voodoo Academy (2000) B; Welcome to Collinwood (2002) B
October 29
Title: DarkWolf (2003)
Cast: Ryan Alosio, Samaire Armstrong, Kane Hodder, Tippi Hedren, Steven Williams
Director: Richard Friedman
Thoughts: I’ve never yelled at my television in frustration more in my life than while watching the last twenty minutes of this failed horror movie. The movie bills itself as erotic, but the filmmakers don’t seem to understand the meaning of the word. They apparently define erotic as models with body makeup kissing each other and dancing seductively. Oh, and there’s a bunch of strippers at the beginning of the movie. I’m sure the director found that scene quite erotic as well. The whole thing made me feel really bad for Hedren. I’m no fan of her two Hitchcock movies, The Birds and Marnie, but at least they were respectable. And now she’s in a meaningless bit part in a crappy straight to video werewolf movie. Alosio plays a cop hunting down a “darkwolf,” vaguely defined as a very strong werewolf, and played, in human form, by frequent Jason Voorhees (though not recently), Hodder. Williams plays the senior cop on the case, for a few minutes anyway, then he gets dismembered. Hedren appears only in an alley as a homeless woman who has taken on the task of guarding a waitress who she calls “The Girl” (Armstrong). It seems that the darkwolf is hunting down the Girl for mating purposes, but when he finally finds her, the thing instead decides to maim a cop and kill a bag lady. An odd choice, I thought. The movie is full of idiots making stupid choices, a horror movie convention I wish Wes Craven’s Scream series had killed permanently. The computer effects, of the changing-to-a-werewolf and werewolf running away scenes, are utterly worthless. They do nothing but call attention to themselves: “Look at us! We were done on a PC by your kid brother!” The most infuriating part, the twenty minute finale that knocked my grade for this movie down at least 2 or 3 notches, takes place in a police station that must be the size of a palace, given how long it takes Alosio to get from his private office to the room where the darkwolf has been going kill crazy. Three times during this stretch, a character is armed with a gun and silver bullets and is given a 100% guaranteed to hit the target opportunity to kill the darkwolf, but instead they just stand there with an angry look on their face, pointing their gun in the general direction of the thing. The third time, Armstrong talks to it, baiting it, wanting it to get closer to her for some reason. It does, of course, and knocks the gun out of her hand. It drove me mad, I couldn’t believe the filmmakers thought that would make a good scene. I shouldn’t have been surprised though, I mean, they probably thought this story would make a good movie too.
Grade: F
October 22
Title: Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras (2003)
Cast: Dan Leis, Rachel Sense
Director: Jonathan Mumm
Thoughts: Don’t be fooled by the box art, this movie is strictly amateur all the way. Filmed, seemingly, with a camcorder, Bloodthirst is set in Arizona during a wave of attacks by a mystery creature. Seen only in brief glimpses, it appears to be someone in a Halloween costume, complete with plastic mask. The thing, referred to alternately as a chupacabra and a mocha vampire (not sure if I spelled that right, but that’s how it sounds), is supposed to only go after chickens and goats, sucking their blood (chupacabra means goat sucker), but now it’s killing people for no apparent reason - it certainly isn’t draining their blood, although some victims do turn into vampires somehow. Horrible acting, awful screenplay, lousy effects, grainy video; the only thing Bloodthirst has going for it is the fact that it’s easy to laugh at and make fun of. But it seems to have been made so earnestly that I felt bad for doing it.
Grade: F
October 20
Title: Barbarella (1968)
Cast: Jane Fonda, John Phillip Law, Milo O’Shea, David Hemmings, Marcel Marceau, Ugo Tognazzi
Director: Roger Vadim
Thoughts: Somewhere between Barefoot in the Park and They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, Fonda starred as the title heroine in this bizarre sci-fi psychedelic sex farce. There is a plot, but it’s just a vessel to get Barbarella from one erotic encounter to another. The movie opens with Barbarella disrobing, giving a surprising tit shot, and then being assigned to find and rescue a scientist named Durand Durand (that’s how the International Movie DataBase spells it, anyway). She crash lands on the planet Durand is supposed to be on, is captured by a group of children, nearly eaten by teeth-gnashing dolls and is finally saved by Tognazzi, a long way from the character he'd play in the La Cage aux Folles series of films. They have sex, of course, and then Barbarella drills her ship deep into the ground, ending up above ground somehow, in a huge labyrinth full of people seemingly half rock/half human and other oddities. There, she meets Pygar (Law), an angel who has lost the will to fly. Naturally, he regains the will after some interstellar lovin’ and flies Barbarella to the city Durand is believed to be in. She meets the The Great Tyrant, Dildano and several others, somehow managing to take her clothes off at every opportunity. It’s completely absurd and at one point, about half way through, I realized why it all seemed so familiar. It’s just like the movie Candy, released the same year. A series of pretty much unrelated scenes stitched together to service a pointless plot. Candy at least had the benefit of some pretty cool guest stars, including Walter Matthau, Marlon Brando, John Huston and Richard Burton. Neither movie is any good, but they’re not completely joyless. Barbarella’s “special” effects are laughable, sometimes in a good way, and the movie is really hurt by the absence of a point. I hear that Drew Barrymore wants to remake it. I don’t think that would be a good idea, but I’ve been wrong before, so who knows?
Grade: C
Movies seen in September but not mentioned below: And Now for Something Completely Different (1972) B-; Ash Wednesday (2002) C-; Below (2002) A-; The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957) A-; City By the Sea (2002) B+; D.O.A. (1950) B; The Disappearance of Flight 412 (1974) D+; 8 ½ (1963) C-; 8 Mile (2002) C-; The Four Feathers (2002) B-; Half Past Dead (2002) C; I Spy (2002) C; Inspector Gadget 2 (2003) D-; Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959) B; Kiss Me, Kill Me (1976) D-; Knockaround Guys (2002) B-; Laura (1944) A-; The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) B+; Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939) B+; Navy SEALS (1990) C-; One Hour Photo (2002) B+; Road to Perdition (2002) B+; Satan’s School for Girls (1973) C+; The Slender Thread (1965) B; Summer of Fear (1978) C; SwimFan (2002) C; Tuck Everlasting (2002) B-; The Tuxedo (2002) C+; The 25th Hour (2002) B-; 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954) B; Two Weeks Notice (2002) B; Undercover Brother (2002) B-; Vampire’s Coffin (1957) D; White Oleander (2002) B