December 31
Movie: Scary Movie 2 (2001)
Cast: Anna Faris, Veronica Cartwright, David Cross, Tim Curry, Chris Elliot, Regina Hall, Natasha Lyonne, Christopher Masterson, Richard Moll, Andy Richter, Kathleen Robertson, Tori Spelling, Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, James Woods
Thoughts: I was so thrilled when this movie was defeated in it’s opening weekend by Cats & Dogs, even before I saw either of them. Expectations were high, but I knew the Wayans brothers who starred in and co-wrote the movie (with a staggering five others) were one hit wonders, and the fact that the first, gawdawful Scary Movie (my pick as the worst of 2000) was a hit was just a fluke. Once again, the film consists of a series of mostly unrelated attempts at horror movie spoofs, and usually, when the scene changes, there’s a pathetically obvious continuity error (possibly intentional, but distracting and not funny all the same). The writers try to make fun of movies like The Exorcist, The Haunting (the recent remake, of course, since they certainly aren’t going to reference a black and white movie), House on Haunted Hill (the recent remake, same reason), What Lies Beneath and Hannibal among others. It isn’t long before they resort to reenacting a scene from last year’s Charlie’s Angels, which isn’t technically a horror movie. It’s all very lazy, the talking parrot is especially contrived and idiotic, the sex jokes are far fewer than they were in the first, but only because they couldn’t think of any, I’m sure - they do reuse one though. Their efforts to be timely, including jokes about the 2000 Presidential election and The Weakest Link, will only serve to date the movie and confuse anyone who sees it years from now. The fact that I didn’t just copy and paste my thoughts on the original and put them here exhibits more creativity than this movie. I give it a slightly higher rating than it’s predecessor simply because there are one or two gags that, if they had momentum behind them, might have been funny.
Grade: D-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Scary Movie: F; The Exorcist (1973): A-; The Haunting (1999): B+; House on Haunted Hill (1999) - A-; What Lies Beneath: A; Hannibal: A-; Charlie’s Angels: B+
December 30
Movie: Moulin Rouge (2001)
Cast: Nicole Kidman, Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent, John Leguizamo
Thoughts: I was surprised when Moulin Rouge started appearing on the top of year end Best of lists, and now that I’ve seen it I’m even more surprised. The love story is standard, the frequent song breaks get old fast and nearly every performance is over the top. Kidman plays a prostitute back when whore houses were classy, McGregor is a writer who gets trapped into writing an inane musical for Kidman’s attempt at becoming a serious actress. They fall in love almost immediately but must keep it secret from the investor, who is also in love with Kidman. Oh, and Kidman’s character has the consumption and is dying (you can tell because she coughs), so if you haven’t seen last year’s Autumn in New York, this movie does a lot of the same things. Critics have been torn, most liking it but few loving it. I imagine the awards it’s winning is due to it’s perceived inventiveness, to it’s opulence and lack of pretensions. It’s a musical that reminds old people of when movies had songs instead of sex, it’s also the first major musical since 1996’s double bill of Everyone Says I Love You and Evita. Moulin has things in common with both, it has Everyone’s sense of humour, broad though it may be, and it has Evita’s incorrect assumption that mainstream audiences will embrace a movie with hardly any spoken dialogue. Moulin’s box office take of $57 million was lower than what was hoped for, but about on par with what was expected. I think a musical could be successful (Disney’s animated musicals are almost always huge), but this was just too much.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Autumn in New York: C-; Everyone Says I Love You: B; Evita: D
December 21
Movie: Incubus (1965)
Cast: William Shatner, Allyson Ames
Thoughts: Notable as the only film shot entirely in the Spanishy language Esperanto, Incubus was long thought lost until a French subtitled version was discovered. The Sci-Fi Channel in the US sponsored a restoration and now it’s finally available on video and DVD, though it wasn’t really worth the wait. It’s a muddled pretentious mess that has great aspirations and only moderate ability, the fact that it’s in a “foreign” language adds a little dignity, but the awfulness of the whole production overpowers any attempts at respectability. The actors all speak Esperanto casually, as though they’d been speaking it their whole lives, which impressed me. But according to some articles I’ve read on the movie, their pronunciation is off. Interesting, but not good, and quite boring.
Grade: C-
December 19
Movie: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Cast: Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Cate Blanchett, Ian Holm, Christopher Lee, Ian McKellan, Viggo Mortensen, Liv Tyler, Hugo Weaving
Thoughts: I’ve read J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit and I’ve seen the lousy 1978 animated movie of the same name, but this is my first experience with The Lord of the Rings (which, I suppose, The Hobbit may technically be a part of). Wood plays Frodo Baggins, nephew of Bilbo (Holm) who, several years ago, stumbled across a ring that holds untold powers that forces of evil are willing to stop at nothing to get. Whenever someone puts it on, they become invisible. That’s it. Invisible. Maybe it’s full powers will be on display in future installments, but here it’s invisibility only. Frodo gets the ring and, with the help of some comic relief, goes to visit some elves and have many adventures that I would not do justice to if I were to describe. A lot happens, the effects are mostly great, the story is surprisingly easy to follow even for someone as vaguely unfamiliar with it as I am, and the overall scope is truly epic, unlike a certain recent attempt (Pearl Harbor). I say the effects are mostly great because, in some scenes, the long shots anyway, Wood’s Frodo looks pathetic. You see, Hobbits are shorter than most inhabitants of Middle Earth, but since Wood isn’t, really bad effects are used to make it look like he is. When he’s shot from the back, it’s clearly a double, and when he’s shot from the front, it’s clearly a blue screen effect. But these scenes are pretty rare, so it’s easy enough to let it slide. I was delighted to find that Lee has a significant role, since I was expecting one of his two-minute cameos, and Astin, who hasn’t been very visible lately, packed on some pounds and turned in some of his best work. It moves slowly in parts, but your patience is rewarded, and the action sequences, especially the battles with the Orks, are great to watch. There’s a frustrating cliffhanger ending, but I’m sure it’ll be forgiven when the second one is released this time next year.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Hobbit: C-; Pearl Harbor: D
December 15
Movie: Evil Lives (1992)
Cast: Arabella Horzbog, Tristan Rogers, Tyrone Power Jr., Julie Strain, Paul Bartel, Dawn Wells
Thoughts: Alternately known as Blood Love and Soulmates, which is the most descriptive title, Evil Lives concerns a horror author (Rogers) who temporarily resurrects his late wife by killing young women, which allows her to possess their bodies. After about six hours, though, the bodies start to stiffen up and become useless, so he has to kill again. The film’s two major draws are the copious amounts of bare breasts and the B-list cast, including the son of Tyrone Power, porn star Strain, the late indie director Bartel (Death Race 2000) and Gilligan’s Island temptress Wells. Horzbog plays the victim who got away, it’s up to her to stop Rogers from killing again, which she does, after he kills about half a dozen more people. It isn’t a good movie, but it isn’t without it’s charms. Bartel will delight any past or present college student with his impression of the world’s most boring professor, and even though I had seen her name in the credits and knew she was coming, seeing Wells was still a pleasant surprise. But the lame plot, gratuitous nudity and mostly amateurish acting hurts the film beyond rescue.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Death Race 2000: B+
Movie: Vanilla Sky (2001)
Cast: Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, Cameron Diaz, Jason Lee, Kurt Russell, Noah Taylor, Johnny Galecki, Alicia Witt
Thoughts: This movie is a remake of a recent Spanish movie called Open Your Eyes, which I saw this past August. I didn’t give away anything when I wrote about that movie, and I’m not going to give anything away about this one, simply because the two movies are so similar. But unlike some people, I don’t become enraged when someone remakes a movie that I enjoyed and keeps most of the details the same. Cruise takes over the role originated by Eduardo Noriega, but it’s hard for me to judge the acting in a foreign film (unless it’s really bad) so I can’t say who’s better. Cruz reprises her role, and I think I’m safe in saying that she’s a better actress in Spanish than she is in English. Nice work from everyone else, especially Russell, who I wish would do more movies that are worthy of him. If you’re curious, the basic plot is that Cruise and Diaz have a little relationship going, sort of, and when he starts seeing Cruz, Diaz gets a little upset and, while driving with Cruise, crashes, killing herself and disfiguring Cruise. CinemaScore, which rates opening night audience’s feelings, gave the movie a staggeringly low D-, most likely because of the nonlinear structure and the fact that Cruise’s face is often obscured by grotesque scars or a rubber mask. It’s already been described as confusing, but if you’re able to pay attention for more than two minutes at a time, you won’t have any trouble following the story, especially if you stick with it to the end. If you’re still baffled, watch it again and everything should become clear.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Open Your Eyes: A-
December 10
Movie: Pearl Harbor (2001)
Cast: Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale, Josh Hartnett, Alec Baldwin, Jennifer Garner, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jon Voight, Dan Aykroyd, Ewen Bremner, Colm Feore, Mako, Tom Sizemore, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Scott Wilson
Thoughts: I had never been so glad to see the words “Directed by Michael Bay” than I was when this movie’s end credits finally started to roll. About ten minutes in, the third heartfelt speech started and it wasn’t the last by far. The movie exists as an encyclopedia of genre clichés, from romance to war movie standard scenes, this movie has it all. Affleck and Beckinsale engage in dramatically bankrupt dialogue and fall deeply in love even though they barely know each other. Affleck goes off to war, leaving Hartnett to take over with Beckinsale when he’s shot down at sea. He survives though, and when he comes back three months later there’s a predictable discovery scene followed by a bar fight and a lot more lame dialogue. Then the Japanese attack Pearl Harbor. Affleck and Hartnett bury the hatchet for the sake of their country, and help to fend off the invaders. The fact that the filmmakers thought that the basic story of the devasting attack needed a subplot to maintain interest is the most offensive thing about it. There is precedent though, that being 1997’s Titanic. The difference between the two movies is that this movie uses the romantic subplot to overshadow the tragedy, as though it would mean more if viewers knew that a couple of the people in the middle of it were really truly in love. Titanic’s romantic subplot was basically a badly conceived time killer leading up to a brilliant recreation of what was, at the time, the greatest tragedy in American history. I get the impression that Pearl Harbor was made with nothing but a cash cow in mind, a theory helped by the ads that precede the movie for a National Geographic documentary on the subject, the film’s soundtrack and a special making of documentary, and after the movie there’s more of the same. The box claims that this is the “60th Anniversary Commemorative Edition,” but what they’re commemorating isn’t the event, it’s the release of the movie. Just pathetic.
Grade: D
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Titanic (1997): A-
December 7
Movie: Ocean’s 11 (2001)
Cast: George Clooney, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Casey Affleck, Scott Caan, Don Cheadle, Elliott Gould, Bernie Mac, Carl Reiner
Thoughts: Two of my favourite things in a movie: a caper and tons of stars. Clooney is Danny Ocean, a recently released thief who gets the gang together to pull one last heist (why is it always one last heist? why can’t it just be yet another heist?). I’m not sure if I missed something, but it seems to me that early on Clooney tells Pitt (or at least implies) that they’re going to rob three casinos, as opposed to 1960’s Ocean’s 11, where they robbed five, but they only ever get around to robbing one. The National Board of Review recently declared it the 3rd best movie of the year (behind Moulin Rouge and In the Bedroom, neither of which I’ve endured), but I wouldn’t go that far. It’s better than the original, which a lot of people don’t even like, but it’s still a wildly convoluted and improbable story that hinges on an extremely complicated plan, full of dozens of intricate details that, if one were to go even slightly wrong, would cause the entire thing to be a wash. Of course, that’s a pretty weak complaint for a movie as enjoyable as this, and it’s not like it takes itself seriously, which is a rare treat for a multi-star vehicle.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Ocean’s 11 (1960): B+
December 4
Movie: The Adventures of Ichabod & Mr. Toad (1949)
Cast: voices of Bing Crosby, Basil Rathbone
Thoughts: Two unrelated animated shorts from Disney, based on parts of Sleepy Hollow and The Wind in the Willows. In spite of the billing, Mr. Toad’s story unfolds first, narrated by Rathbone. The title character is an adventure seeking amphibian whose funds are rapidly decreasing. He’s arrested for stealing a car and sets about trying to prove himself innocent. It’s followed by the story of Ichabod Crane, the main character in Washington Irving’s story, which is narrated and performed by Crosby. Since I’ve never read it, I can’t say if this or Tim Burton’s 1999 film Sleepy Hollow is more accurate, but the more recent adaptation is certainly the better of the two. This version spends a lot of time introducing the Ichabod character, a greedy and unappealing school master new to the town of Sleepy Hollow. He somehow attracts the attention of the resident babe, much to the chagrin of the local hunk, who sets about trying to outsmart his nemesis, failing at every turn. At a Halloween party, he tells the story of the Headless Horseman, and on his way home, Ichabod finds that it’s more than a story, unless you believe it’s all an elaborate prank played by some of the townspeople, it’s left open. Both stories are good in their own right, though I can’t see why they were paired. Crosby and Rathbone might have been wise to switch stories, but they each do their respective tasks nicely. There’s not much to criticize, but since both stories are only about 30 minutes long, it doesn’t allow very much time to get acquainted with anyone. Either story expanded into an 80 minute feature would probably be more fun.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Sleepy Hollow: A
Movies seen but not mentioned below: Billy Elliot (2000) - B; Cheaters (2000) - B+; Conqueror Worm (1968) - B-; Croupier (2000) - A-; Duets (2000) - B-; Finding Forrester (2000) - B+; Hamlet (2000) - C-; House of Long Shadows (1983) - B+; Lady and the Tramp (1955) - B; The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000) - D+; Like Water for Chocolate (1993) - B+; Little Nicky (2000) - D-; Miss Congeniality (2000) - B; Episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1993-1994) [Bloodlust - A-; Code Name: Diamond Head - B+; Colossus and the Headhunters - B+; The Creeping Terror - B+; The Dead Talk Back - B+; Girls Town - A-; The Gunslinger - B+; High School Big Shot - B+; Invasion U.S.A. - B+; Kitten With a Whip - B+; The Last of the Wild Horses - A-; Outlaw - A-; San Francisco International - B+; Santa Claus - B+; The Sinister Urge - A-; Sky Divers - A-; The Starfighters - B+; The Sword and the Dragon - B; The Violent Years - B+; Zombie Nightmare - B+]; The Night Strangler (1973) - B; Pay it Forward (2000) - B-; Quills (2000) - A-; Recess: School's Out (2001) - B-; Red Planet (2000) - B-; The Road to El Dorado (2000) - C+; Space Cowboys (2000) - B; Tigerland (2000) - B+; The Tigger Movie (2000) - B-
November 28
Movie: All the Pretty Horses (2000)
Cast: Matt Damon, Henry Thomas, Lucas Black, Penelope Cruz, Ruben Blades, Bruce Dern, Robert Patrick, Sam Shepherd
Thoughts: Easily beating out 1998’s Meet Joe Black as the most boring movie I’ve ever seen, that movie was an hour longer, but at least it had Brad Pitt acting goofy. For the first thirty minutes or so, the story seems to be nothing more than Damon and Thomas traveling from Texas to Mexico for reasons either not mentioned or mentioned during a time when I just wasn’t paying attention. They meet Black, who gets his horse stolen, separate from him, settle on a ranch owned by Blades, Damon falls for Cruz, they go to jail, they get out of jail, they separate, Damon travels back to Texas alone and they meet up again. It’s all very dry, very uneventful and very, very dull. I rolled my eyes during several attempts at deep thought, my mind boggled at the idea that all this talent was involved in the making of this movie (Billy Bob Thornton directs), and I wished several times during the final, soul crushing half hour that it would just end. And it finally did, but not soon enough.
Grade: D
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Meet Joe Black: C-
November 24
Movie: Bambi (1942)
Thoughts: There just isn’t enough story for Bambi’s 69 minute running time. In the first act, Bambi is born and learns to walk. In the second act, it’s winter and Bambi learns to walk on ice. In the third act, Bambi is an adult and he falls in love with some chick, who bears his children. In between there’s time padding sequences, like the senselessly lengthy post opening credits crawl through the forest, and the spring montage, with birds flitting about, flirting with one another. Oh, and Bambi’s mother gets shot, and there’s a big fire. Right before the fire, Bambi is shown getting shot too, but apparently it doesn’t have the same effect on him as it did on his mother. Thumper is just obnoxious, speaking loudly and pounding the ground with his feet all the time. He annoyed me more than I thought he would. The movie was very slow moving, though I guess it had to be, or else it would have run out of story. The animation ran from good to the cheap Saturday morning variety, and the songs are all typical of Disney movies from that era, no better and no worse. There’s little to recommend, and I just didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as I should have.
Grade: C-
Movie: Drift (2001)
Cast: R.T. Lee, Greyson Dayne, Jonathon Roessler
Thoughts: Amiable romance casts Lee and Dayne as recently broken up lovers, though neither is terribly happy with the new situation. I’m not sure if I was following closely enough, but it seems to have been set up in an odd way, with some scenes repeated randomly throughout the film, with different outcomes, as though the movie were operating under a “We know what happened here already, but what if this happened instead?” type of thing. Leo (Roessler) is the guy who comes along and makes Ryan (Lee) realize that his relationship with Joel (Dayne) is missing something. That’s the first What If? Later, Leo tries to hook up with Joel. It’s a little confusing at times, but as soon as I figured out what was going on, it was easy to sit back and enjoy. The best thing about this movie, though, is that it never makes a big deal out of the fact that there’s no female lead. The characters don’t sit around talking about how Hollywood would never make a movie like the one they’re in, none of them have AIDS, and, most importantly, they aren’t constantly resorting to queeny quips. Thanks to writers/directors Quentin Lee and Maurus vom Scheidt, it’s refreshingly honest, surprisingly realistic and completely devoid of gay stereotypes.
Grade: B+
November 23
Movie: Dead and Buried (1981)
Cast: James Farentino, Jack Albertson, Melody Anderson, Robert Englund, Lisa Marie, Barry Corbin
Thoughts: Stan Winston’s gruesome work is the highlight of this surprisingly fun thriller. Farentino is the sheriff in a small town called Potter’s Bluff that frowns on tourism. Any time a visitor shows up, a bunch of the townspeople get together and violently attack them for reasons unknown, though heavily hinted at, until the final act. Albertson is the helpful town coroner whose hobby is restoring corpses to their original look, Anderson is Farentino’s wife, a teacher who decides to give a lecture on voodoo in the midst of all the suspicion. Englund, Marie and Corbin, long before A Nightmare on Elm Street, Tim Burton and Northern Exposure, respectively, have small supporting roles, and they all add to the overall oddness of the story. But it’s Winston’s gore effects that are most memorable, the best of which is a nasty burn victim. It doesn’t get disturbing until the very end, until then it’s a lot of fun, thanks to a director who knows how to keep things from getting too uncomfortable for the viewer, despite the subject matter. Which is nice.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: A Nightmare on Elm Street: A
November 20
Movie: Cruel Intentions 2 (2000)
Cast: Robin Dunne, Amy Adams, Mimi Rogers
Thoughts: Trashy sequel to the frisky 1999 film Cruel Intentions is actually a failed pilot for a series called Manchester Prep, which never made it to air, and was instead released on video earlier this year. Dunne is in place of Ryan Phillippe as Sebastian and is recklessly forced to be the hero, while Adams plays a one dimensional version of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s wicked character. An attempt to give her some personality is misguided, when she openly weeps while telling Sebastian how terrible it is to be her. If it had gone to series, Rogers would have been the most interesting of the bunch - as Adams’ mother she quite clearly has hanky panky with her stepson on her mind. Since this was supposed to be a TV show, the ending comes off as perfunctory and rushed, because the original intention was to leave it open ended so the series could continue all the story lines. But everything gets wrapped up in the final five minutes, drastically changing two characters in order to make it look like the first movie comes right after it. It’s a really weak ending to an only moderately interesting movie, and that just kills any momentum it might have had.
Grade: C
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Cruel Intentions: B+
November 16
Movie: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001)
Cast: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Robbie Coltrane, Richard Harris, Ian Hart, Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith, John Cleese, Warwick Davis, Richard Griffiths, John Hurt, Fiona Shaw, Verne Troyer, Julie Walters, Zoe Wanamaker
Thoughts: I had planned on seeing this a few weeks after it was released, that way the theater wouldn’t be full of little kids murmuring and squealing and whatever else I thought they’d do. But the marketing machine behind it sucked me in and there I was at the first matinee showing on opening day. It didn’t start off promisingly, with Harry (Radcliffe) being raised by his cruel relatives. It looked like the movie was going the way of all lame school age movies, with the hero overcoming bullying after some difficult to watch and badly staged scenes of abuse. But he’s quickly rescued by the massive Coltrane and carted off to a school of magic, which is when the movie starts to live up to expectations. Since this is the introductory story to what will eventually be a seven film series, a large part of the staggering but deserved 152 minute running time is spent getting to know the major players, and several minor ones. There are a few problems, of course, like the end of the movie, when school headmaster Harris announces the winner of a year long contest, only to award an excessive amount of points to another team, changing the outcome. And the set pieces, like the out of place and ultimately pointless Quidditch game, look like obvious digital effects, which is distracting. But those are relatively minor glitches in an otherwise fascinating and enjoyable film. I’m not going to kid myself about the sequel, which is currently in production. I’ll be in line opening day for that one too.
Grade: A-
November 14
Movie: Bamboozled (2000)
Cast: Damon Wayans, Jada Pinkett, Tommy Davidson, Savion Glover, Michael Rapaport
Thoughts: As a white person, I was probably supposed to think that this movie was hysterically funny and the clever satire was to go right over my head. But I was too busy not laughing while the broadest satire I’ve ever been witness to repeatedly hit me in the face. Director Spike Lee’s point seems to be that everyone secretly delights in racism and would almost unanimously embrace an offensive minstrel show with black actors in black face. Wayans appears to think that a black man with a French name and an unplaceable white accent is the ultimate in high brow comedy, Pinkett and Davidson mostly retain their dignity and, if their roles had been larger, they may have helped the movie. I remember a few years ago when Glover was the toast of the entertainment industry. He had a show on (or off, I can’t recall) Broadway, and he appeared on nearly every talk show to promote it by tap dancing his little heart out. I’m not a fan of tap dancing, even his frenetic style, and this movie, in which he frequently resorts to his old hat, didn’t win me over. Rapaport has never been an interesting, or even a good actor, and he continues to look foolish as the token white guy in this movie. There’s lots of rappers in the supporting cast, doing little to reverse the offensive stereotypes the movie is trying to satirize, and appearances by Johnnie Cochrane and the Revered Al Sharpton amount to very little. An quick way to tell a good satire from a bad one is to look at the ending. If most of the cast ends up getting “assassinated,” then you know the writers didn’t have a good idea to start with and the only way they could think of to get out of the corner they had written themselves into was to kill everyone off. Guess how this movie ends.
Grade: D-
November 12
Movie: Fantasia (1940)
Thoughts: By far the most overrated of Disney’s animated features. Running an excruciating 120 minutes, the movie consists of cartoons set to classical music, essentially it’s an even more boring version of interpretive dance. The animation is mediocre at best, the only segment there seems to have been any effort to slap together is the alligator-hippo ballet sequence. The most famous part, with Mickey Mouse as a sorcerer’s apprentice, doesn’t deserve it’s notoriety. Aside from the music, which is well played but still mostly dull, there’s nothing worth paying attention to. Fans of classical music will love it, of course, but I can’t count myself among that crowd. I had to stop watching halfway through because it had nearly put me to sleep. I finished watching it the next morning, and the second half wasn’t any better than the first. The whole production looks rushed and lazy at the same time, I’m mystified by it’s popularity.
Grade: D
November 9
Movie: Heist (2001)
Cast: Gene Hackman, Delroy Lindo, Danny DeVito, Ricky Jay, Rebecca Pidgeon, Sam Rockwell
Thoughts: I think David Mamet, Heist’s writer and director, has finally lost it. He comes up with goofier metaphors than Dan Rather at his most exasperated. Jay comments that Hackman is so cool, as in calm, that “when he goes to bed, sheep count him.” Rockwell insists that he will be “as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton.” The quiet one I get, that would indeed be very quiet, but how does being counted by sheep define a person as extremely calm? But that’s not even the most annoying part of this movie, that honour goes to the innumerable double crosses. No Mamet movie has ever gotten to the end credits without some sort of bamboozling, but this one exceeds it’s limit by at least a dozen. The plot has thieves Hackman, Lindo, Jay and Pidgeon conspiring to steal some gold from a plane bound for Switzerland. DeVito, last seen with Hackman and Lindo in 1995’s Get Shorty, sets up the whole deal so you know he’ll be involved in at least a handful of the double crosses, and he throws his nephew (Rockwell) into the deal. It’s pretty easy to figure out who will end up on top, as Mamet always has his heroes get away with everything, the trick is in who the hero will end up with at the end, and how they’ll get away. Aside from the attempted colloquialisms, the screenplay offers a lot of Mamet-esque dialogue, so his fans will be happy. There is a lot more repetition than usual, but it’s delivered by pros, so that’s forgivable. When all is said and done, it’s only the second best caper movie so far this year, after Frank Oz’s The Score (Steven Soderbergh’s Ocean’s 11 remake is still to come), but at least this one exists for more than the teaming of the actors.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Get Shorty: B+; The Score: A-
November 8
Movie: Ginger Snaps (2001)
Cast: Emily Perkins, Katharine Isabelle, Mimi Rogers
Thoughts: Canadian made horror film has at least two things most movies that fit that description don’t have: good actors and good effects. The movie opens with a pretty nasty crime scene, caused by a mysterious creature that’s been running around a neighbourhood killing dogs. Bridget (Perkins) and her sister Ginger (Isabelle) are unmoved by the killings, because they’re too busy photographing false suicides for some school project. One night, while hunting a classmate’s dog to exact some revenge, Ginger is attacked by the creature. Her wounds heal pretty quickly, but gray hairs start growing out of the scratches, and a knobby little tail sprouts out of her lower back. Bridget puts two and two together, but Ginger refuses to even consider that she’s turning into a werewolf - she chalks it up to an extremely delayed first menstruation. Rogers plays the girls’ mother, and she injects some much needed humour into the story. Without her, the tension and drama could have overwhelmed the movie and made enjoyment impossible. The relationship between Bridget and Ginger is truly touching at times, and a little scary at others. The sultry Ginger is fiercely protective of the frumpy Bridget, and only becomes more so after she gets “The Curse.” The scares aren’t plentiful, so when they happen, they’re actually frightening; the gore is piled on thick, but it’s never lingered on, it only makes cameo appearances. Werewolf movies are rarely good, and they usually revel in their clichés. Ginger Snaps manages to improve on efforts like 1981’s An American Werewolf in London, which managed to satirize the genre while also being a card carrying member of it, and 1994’s Wolf, which went the star studded route, adding some (possibly intentional) camp to the proceedings. Before this movie, it would have been a toss up between those two, but now I have to say that Ginger Snaps is the best werewolf movie I’ve ever seen.
Grade: A
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: An American Werewolf in London: A-; Wolf: A-
Movie: Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001)
Cast: Michael Gross, Shawn Christian, Susan Chuang, Ariana Richards
Thoughts: The second straight to video sequel to 1989’s Tremors, which wasn’t a hit until it was released on video. The first film featured huge carnivorous worms called Graboids tunneling, very quickly, under a small Nevada town called Perfection. The second, 1996’s Tremors 2: Aftershocks, had those worms mutating into screaming creatures dubbed Shriekers. This third installment has those mutating further, but to tell what they’re deal is would be ruining one of the movie’s surprises, I’ll just say that they’re highly flammable. Gross, whose character may very well have been the inspiration for King of the Hill’s Dale Gribble, takes it upon himself to rid his hometown of the killer worms, until the government gets wind of it and declares the things endangered species and therefore protected from hunting. This movie is the reason why movies have straight to video sequels, every now and then you hit the jackpot and end up with something really fun. I don’t see where they could take it from here, but I’ll eagerly await another entry in this series.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Tremors: A-; Tremors 2: Aftershocks: B+
November 4
Movie: The Ladies Man (2000)
Cast: Tim Meadows, Karyn Parsons, Will Ferrell, Billy Dee Williams, Lee Evans, Eugene Levy, John Witherspoon, Tiffani Thiessen, Kevin McDonald, Mark McKinney, Julianne Moore
Thoughts: Jarringly enjoyable comedy based on a Saturday Night Live skit that I never really liked. Leon Phelps is the only recurring character that Meadows ever had, and he isn’t a terribly interesting one. He’s a lisping lothario that women, mysteriously, find irresistible. He speaks bluntly and, often, offensively on his radio call-in show until his boss, Levy, fires him after one too many fines from the FCC. To add to his troubles, the husbands of the women he’s been having flings with, led by Ferrell, are out to kill him, with the occasional musical interlude. After failing to find a new job in radio, he receives a letter, unsigned, from a woman he once “dated,” she offers to share her life and fabulous wealth with him, so he sets out to find her. To describe the moments I found funny would be futile, since the Leon character and, even more so, Ferrell and Evans, speak their lines in such a way that often the delivery is the only funny part. It’s ridiculous and it’s very low brow, but I liked it. I may not respect myself in the morning though.
Grade: B
November 3
Movie: The One (2001)
Cast: Jet Li, Delroy Lindo, Jason Statham, Carla Gugino
Thoughts: I was surprised by the extremely negative reaction this movie got from critics before I saw it, and now that I’ve seen, I’m even more surprised. Before the movie starts, a narrator helpfully explains that there are 125 parallel universes and that there isn’t just one of you, but 125. Travel between these universes (which are combined under the umbrella term “multiverse”) is strictly policed, but Li wants to be the only one of him anywhere, so he goes from universe to universe killing himself again and again, getting stronger with each kill for reasons too absurd to mention here, until he’s finally arrested and sentenced to life in a penal colony called the Hades Universe. He escapes and goes after his last self, pursued by Lindo and Statham. Perhaps the complicated plot confused the critics, they get really mad when they don’t understand what’s going on. Li is a pretty lousy actor, when he has to do it in English anyway, and it’s pretty distracting during the (very) few scenes when he has more dialogue than he should. But if you’re watching a Jet Li movie, you’re watching it for the fights, the stunts and the effects. Fortunately for Li, his supporting actors are great, especially Lindo as the cop who has been after him since the beginning. There’s lots of impressive stuff, especially the seamless scene where Li fights himself. It goes on for quite a while and, even though I was watching closely for a double, I couldn’t see one. The films brevity, which many critics have pointed out as though it annoyed them, helps keep the story tight - if it were longer, it would drag and cease to be as fun as it is.
Grade: B+
November 2
Movie: The Million Dollar Hotel (2001)
Cast: Jeremy Davies, Mel Gibson, Milla Jovovich, Bud Cort, Donal Logue, Amanda Plummer, Jimmy Smits, Peter Stormare, Gloria Stuart, Harris Yulin
Thoughts: This is the movie that, upon seeing it completed, Gibson declared was “as boring as a dog’s ass.” And God bless him, he was right. It’s an attempt at a mystery, as FBI Special Agent Skinner (Gibson) tries to solve an apparent murder at a transient hotel in L.A. I say apparent because the mystery is not only whodunit?, but also wasitdun? Skinner initially believes that the victim committed suicide, but pursues the murder angle at the urging of the victim’s father (Yulin), who believes that suicide is the “lowest crime.” Tom Tom (Davies, who seems to be channeling Leonardo DiCaprio’s What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? performance) was friends with the victim, and Skinner utilizes him to weed out the truth from the building's other residents. The movie has several slow patches, followed by short bursts of creativity and borderline excitement, but it just isn’t enough to maintain the story. Skinner is a fascinating character trapped in a movie so dense that no interest can escape.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?: A
Movies seen but not mentioned below: Blow (2001) - B; Bounce (2000) - B-; Bridget Jones's Diary (2001) - B; Crumb (1995) - B; Diggstown (1992) - A-; The Emeperor's New Groove (2000) - B-; Girlfight (2000) - B+; Gnaw: The Food of the Gods 2 (1989) - C-; Immortality (The Wisdom of Crocodiles) (2000) - B; The Invisible Ray (1936) - C+; The Last of the Blonde Bombshells (2000) - B+; Men of Honor (2000) - C+; 102 Dalmatians (2000) - C-; Pop & Me (2000) - A-; Romancing the Stone (1984) - B+; Rugrats in Paris: The Movie (2000) - C; Tarzan (1999) - B; The Times of Harvey Milk (1984) - A; Truly, Madly, Deeply (1991) - B+; The Yards (2000) - C+
October 30
Movie: Charlie’s Angels (2000)
Cast: Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu, Bill Murray, Sam Rockwell, Kelly Lynch, Crispin Glover, Tim Curry, Tom Green, Matt LeBlanc, Luke Wilson, LL Cool J, Sean Whalen, voice of John Forsythe
Thoughts: I’m surprised it took me this long to see this movie. When it came out in theaters, based on it’s advertising, I decided that it was just too goofy looking to waste that kind of money on. Then critics started taking sides, some viciously attacking it, others saying it was an enjoyable guilty pleasure. Then audiences piled into theaters in huge numbers, making it one of last year’s biggest hits. Normally, that would be enough to get me to rent it when it first came out on video, but I resisted once again. Just last week it was put on the catalogue video shelf, reducing it’s rental price by two thirds, which was finally good enough for me. And you know what? It’s fun. I was right that it’s goofy, but it seems to set out to be goofy, it’s got a great sense of humour and the three leads are a pleasure to watch. Murray is proving to be an expert at choosing supporting roles in fun movies (from the comic noir Wild Things to the brainy comedy Rushmore). The plot is coherent, which I wasn’t expecting, and it even puts in a few twists. It isn’t great cinema, but it’s brilliant schlock, which is all I hoped for.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Wild Things: B+; Rushmore: A-
October 28
Movie: 13 Ghosts (2001)
Cast: Tony Shalhoub, Matthew Lillard, Shannon Elizabeth, Rah Digga, Embeth Davidtz, F. Murray Abraham
Thoughts: I haven’t seen William Castle’s original 1960 version of 13 Ghosts, but I’m guessing it was a sight less gory than this. Abraham plays a wealthy man who has been hunting and trapping troubled spirits and, it turns out, encasing them in a big glass house (not to be confused with Stellan Skarsgard and Diane Lane’s Glass House) that, when he dies, he leaves to Shalhoub and family. The movie is made by most of the same people who made 1999’s grossly underrated and criminally dismissed House on Haunted Hill, a remake of Castle’s 1958 film. This movie isn’t as good as that one, simply because it’s premise is more silly than convoluted, the latter being the more fun kind of plot for an expensive B-horror movie. How these people get Oscar winning actors to appear in a movie like this is beyond me (Shine’s Geoffrey Rush was the star of House, Abraham won an Oscar for Amadeus), the promise of straying from boring old drama for a while, most likely.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: House on Haunted Hill (1999): A-; House on Haunted Hill (1958): B-; Shine: B+
October 23
Movie: Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies (1983)
Cast: Manuel Gelin, Antonio Mayans
Thoughts: Inconceivably, this movie was recently released on DVD under the title Oasis of the Zombies. Don’t be fooled by the intriguing (for horror fans) title and impressive box art, this movie is pure garbage. The title listed above is the one on the 1988 VHS version, which is what I saw, and it’s the best of the many titles this movie has been seen under. Among the others are Grave of the Living Dead, Oasis of the Living Dead and Treasure of the Living Dead. All of those titles make more sense than the Bloodsucking one, since there is no bloodsucking in the movie. There are Nazi Zombies though, and they bite, and walk slowly, and appear out of nowhere to the mysterious sound of finger nails scraping up and down on a washboard, and disappear when the sun comes up. Originally filmed in Spanish and/or Italian, the dubbing is far from convincing, with meaningless English dialogue filling silences that might have added some suspense or meaning to the film. As is usually the case with unimportant foreign films, the voice over actors are all terrible, even when all they have to do is scream. The special effects alluded to in the opening credits consist of fake skulls with one empty eye socket and zombies that look like mannequins with worms squirming on their faces. Strictly for fans of truly awful movies.
Grade: F
October 21
Movie: Common Ground (2000)
Cast: Ed Asner, James LeGros, Brittany Murphy, Helen Shaver, Eric Stoltz, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Steven Weber, Beau Bridges, Harvey Fierstein, Margot Kidder, Jason Priestly, Mimi Rogers
Thoughts: Made for Showtime anthology of three stories of gay people trying to get by in a small Connecticut town in three different eras. In 1954, Murphy plays a woman dishonourably discharged from the navy after being seen dancing with a woman. In 1974, Thomas is a college bound champion swimmer who has to endure constant bullying. In 1994, LeGros is a man about to be married while a fair sized protest organizes itself outside. All three stories present themselves realistically, mostly, and it would be hard not to believe that much of what happens actually did happen somewhere. Most interesting, for me anyway, is the second, since it’s protagonist is closest to me in age and situation. Thomas did this movie, filmed it I mean, right when he was enduring all of the gay rumours himself. When it came out, he expended a lot of interview time denying that he was gay, of course, but the fact that he would do this project, and do it well, makes me respect his effort. Fascinating portraits of gay life, and life in general, that manage to avoid being preachy, until the very end when LeGros thanks everyone who was ever gay and said so, and the stars of the previous stories appear, against an obvious blue screen, at the back of the room. It’s a weak effect meant to show unity, or something, that just took me out of the moment.
Grade: B+
October 20
Movie: From Hell (2001)
Cast: Johnny Depp, Heather Graham, Ian Holm, Robbie Coltrane
Thoughts: I think that, after 21 Jump Street, Depp promised himself that he’d never play a cop again unless it was one who was investigating a series of grisly murders, which the kids on the Street never got to do. Two years after Sleepy Hollow, Depp is now trying to find who’s killing prostitutes in late 19th Century London, the press has dubbed the killer Jack the Ripper. The screenplay is based on a comic book series and, unlike in reality, this time, the case is eventually solved. Graham plays a prostitute whose circle of friends are quickly dwindling, Holm is a former surgeon trying to help Depp find the killer, and Coltrane is a cop trying to keep Depp on the trail and away from drugs. Nice work from everyone, even Graham, who I thought would struggle with the accent, but the fact that she’s playing a sexual being yet again helps her along. The gore is piled on thick, especially near the end, and it actually made me a little uncomfortable, something that has never happened to me before. One of the attacks is particularly graphic, and depending on the strength of your stomach, you may want to turn away every time the killer appears - you’ll have to act quickly though, as he sometimes just strolls into frame suddenly and takes someone out. The Hughes brother direct, and I was surprised to learn that this is the first of their movies that I’ve seen. They bring a lot of style and flash to the story, but it never overshadows the goings on, it’s subtle enough that it doesn’t distract but noticeable enough to impress. A fascinating story with a new twist (the fact that it’s solved is novel in this case), and a great adaptation from filmmakers no one thought would ever attempt it. That’s the subject of David Lynch’s 1980 film The Elephant Man, John Merrick, on display at one point, by the way. Who knew Merrick and the Ripper were around at the same time?
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Sleepy Hollow: A; The Elephant Man: B-
October 18
Movie: The Myth of Fingerprints (1997)
Cast: Blythe Danner, Hope Davis, Brian Kerwin, Julianne Moore, Roy Scheider, Michael Vartan, Noah Wyle, James LeGros
Thoughts: Slightly better than a quality sitcom’s attempt at a very special Thanksgiving episode. Danner and Scheider welcome, sort of, their four grown kids and their significant others home for a family get together, which is filled with tension, bickering and deep resentment. Kind of a tired premise, but the script is more interested in developing the characters than running down a checklist of clichés. Moore is most impressive, as an icy bitch who refuses to get along with anyone, no matter how nice they are, Kerwin plays her boyfriend and there aren’t many moments that don’t make you wonder why he’s with her. ER’s Wyle, instead of either choosing a role that’s exactly the same as the one that made him famous or one that’s exactly the opposite, lands somewhere in the middle, never over reaching and giving a nice performance as a slightly damaged son. The abrupt ending doesn’t resolve everything, which hurts the movie a little, but this seems to be an actor’s showcase, so that’s forgivable.
Grade: B
October 17
Movie: High Noon (1952)
Cast: Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, Lloyd Bridges, Lon Chaney, Harry Morgan
Thoughts: Classic and unconventional western has Cooper as a just moments ago retired marshal who decides to stand his ground when a man he sent away for murder makes it known that he’s coming back for revenge. I saw the 40th Anniversary tape, which includes a twenty minute documentary, hosted by Leonard Maltin, that includes interviews with producer Stanley Kramer, director Fred Zinneman and the sons of two men who worked on the movie, David Crosby, whose father was the cinematography, and John Ritter, whose father sang the theme song. The movie stands alone as one of the finest and most intelligent westerns ever made, and the documentary adds insight to the making of it, which cost only $730,000 and, after it’s release, saw many of the people who worked on nearly forced out of the business by the Red Menace scare of the era, including Bridges. I’m not a huge fan of the genre, but a movie like High Noon makes me wonder why not.
Grade: A-
Movie: Dark Stories (2000)
Cast: No one I’ve ever heard of, or will likely ever hear of again
Thoughts: Collection of meaningless and/or disturbing short films from New Zealand, made in the mid-90’s. After the first short, Eau de la Vie, I thought this was going to be all devious little horror films that intended to mess with the viewer’s mind. Unfortunately, it’s the only one that approaches the genre, save for the third, which is closer to the tone of the Tales From the Crypt TV series than real horror. The other shorts seem to be included on this tape by accident, one, called Bitch, is a woman’s account of two relationships that end badly. Another, Headlong, starts off promisingly enough, as a woman is kicked out of car in the middle of nowhere and is picked up by a sleepy driver. Alas, it’s just about a really obnoxious woman who deserved to be stranded. The filmmakers show little promise and, while none of the stories end predictably, none of them generate any suspense or interest either.
Grade: D
October 15
Movie: Terror Tract (2000)
Cast: John Ritter, Bryan Cranston, Will Estes
Thoughts: Horror anthology that would be have been well advised to include some humour in the three stories as it does in the wrap around, which stars Ritter as a real estate agent. A newly married couple are being shown houses and being told tales of the previous owners, all of whom met with untimely ends. The first story is the weakest, as a woman and her lover kill her husband, dump his body in a lake and try not to get caught. The second is the most fun, with Malcolm in the Middle’s Cranston playing the father of a girl who finds a monkey in their back yard. She keeps the monkey as a pet, but it doesn’t get along with dad, or the family dog. The third, and most intriguing, has Estes as a young man terrorized by visions of a serial killer’s attacks. The hidden jewel in this movie’s crown, however, is the final scene, when Ritter gets really desperate to sell, followed by a woman’s escape from the mean streets of suburbia. The extremely dark but overt sense of humour is a bright spot and ends up salvaging the movie.
Grade: B-
October 14
Movie: Magic (1978)
Cast: Anthony Hopkins, Ann-Margaret, Burgess Meredith, Ed Lauter, David Ogden Stiers
Thoughts: Odd little thriller with a stellar cast and a goofy premise. Hopkins plays a ventriloquist named Corky, he’s on the verge of stardom, just as anyone at the top of that profession would be, and he freaks out, claiming a fear of success. He runs to his hometown, finds a woman he had a crush on in high school (Ann-Margaret) and rents a cabin of hers by a lake. Meredith has some brilliant comic lines early on, and it set me up for a completely enjoyable horror-comedy. Unfortunately, the wit is short lived and the scares are nonexistent. Sure, there are some creepy bits - Corky’s dummy, Fats, has a maniacal voice, provided by Hopkins, that alternates between silly and menacing. But overall, the movie is too slow moving and uneventful. Still, Hopkins going mad is a delight to watch and Meredith is priceless. And what’s the deal with the way that last line is delivered?
Grade: B-
October 13
Movie: Love & Sex (2000)
Cast: Famke Janssen, Jon Favreau, Ann Magnuson, Cheri Oteri, David Schwimmer
Thoughts: Predictable relationship drama with humourous moments are too few and far between. Janssen is surprisingly generic, playing her character about the same as any number of no-name actresses would have, and Favreau’s comic ability is all but ignored in favour of corny romantic sentiments. The viewer gets the impression that the screenplay is trying to make them believe that the fact that the two people who get top billing will be together at the end is a surprise. Well it isn’t. Relationship movies, whether they’re comedies or dramas, have been doing this for years and it usually doesn’t bother me, but this movie was particularly slow moving. The best thing about it is Favreau, even though he isn’t in top form. He’s the only reason the rating I give it isn’t lower.
Grade: C
October 12
Movie: The Crew (2000)
Cast: Richard Dreyfuss, Burt Reynolds, Dan Hedaya, Seymour Cassel, Jennifer Tilly, Carrie Anne Moss, Lainie Kazan, Jeremy Piven, Miguel Sandoval, Casey Siemaszko, Fyvush Finkle
Thoughts: Dumb Mafia comedy casts the four leads as retired gangsters who stage a phony murder in the lobby of their apartment building in Miami so all the young people will be afraid and move out. Turns out the guy they “killed” was the father of a drug lord (Sandoval), Tilly finds this out and blackmails them to kill her stepmother (Kazan). They kidnap her instead and burn down her house to make it look like she died in the blaze, but Sandoval lives right next door and his house burns down too. It’s silly and it’s over complicated, but it doesn’t pretend to be anything else. It’s too bad the comedy is often stale, because the impressive cast is game for anything. With a little more thought, this could have been a really enjoyable movie.
Grade: C+
October 7
Movie: Joy Ride (2001)
Cast: Paul Walker, Steve Zahn, Leelee Sobieski
Thoughts: Fun chase thriller in the tradition of Steven Spielberg’s overrated Duel and Jonathan Mostow’s Breakdown. Walker and Zahn are brothers driving across the country, Zahn buys a CB radio and comes up with the brilliant idea of playing a little prank on a trucker. The trucker misses the joke and decides to exact revenge. What follows is a series of wildly implausible and overly complicated tricks of suspense that, if you’re willing to just accept, will thrill you as much as any other movie this year. Walker pretends to be a woman named Candy Cane on the CB and invites the trucker, whose handle is Rusty Nail, to spend the night at a motel, he and Zahn get the room next door to the room Rusty thinks Candy will be in, and they hear some suspicious noises. The next day they find out what happened, which is really gruesome, and Rusty once again summons them on the CB. He seems to know what they did and who they are, but after a forced apology he leaves them alone. They pick up Sobieski, who needs a lift home from college, and continue on their way. Rusty calls again and this time he wants revenge. The finale, which I thought would borrow from the poem The Highwayman (last visualized in Fleetwood Mac’s Everywhere video), chickens out a little, but the rest of the movie makes up for it. Very suspenseful and exciting, and, thanks to Zahn, filled with good humour that doesn’t merely relieve tension.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Duel: B-; Breakdown: B+
October 6
Movie: The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy (2000)
Cast: Timothy Olyphant, Zach Braff, Dean Cain, Andrew Keegan, Nia Long, John Mahoney, Mary McCormack, Matt McGrath
Thoughts: Some of the characters in this movie have a conversation about how unlikely it would be for someone to ever make a movie about them. They complain that gay characters in movies are always either dying, friends of a guy who’s dying or a fashionable friend of a woman. It’s meant to be ironic, obviously, but then a guy dies and another one almost dies after that, and the ending is a predictable wrap up that solves every single problem introduced during the course of the movie. If there had been a straight woman in the movie, she probably would have been close friends with the most fashionable member of the group. The title is in reference to the softball team most of the guys play for, coached by Mahoney who owns the restaurant that sponsors them. Cain, the most recognizable actor, at least to the movie’s target audience, is surprisingly believable and fearless as the straight acting, hunky, man hungry member of the club who the others all want to be. Olyphant, who I didn’t recognize until half way through since this is the cleanest he’s ever appeared (try to spot him in Go or Scream 2 after seeing this), is the most impressive. His character is the best written, and, despite his pretentious traits, Olyphant makes him completely likable. Nice work from the rest of the cast too, especially Braff, who annoyed me greatly because I couldn’t figure out where I had seen him (he’s the star of NBC’s Scrubs, but he has dark hair there and spiky blond hair here). If everything hadn’t worked out so famously, and if there had some conflict that involved something other than bitching, I probably would have liked it more.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Go: A-; Scream 2: A-
October 5
Movie: Dancer in the Dark (2000)
Cast: Bjork, Catherine Deneuve, David Morse, Peter Stormare, Stellan Skarsgard, Joel Grey, Udo Kier
Thoughts: As is usually the case with these love it or hate it movies, I’m right in the middle. It was bordering on one notch higher, but it turns into a real downer about 90 minutes in and no amount of inane musical numbers could save it. Bjork plays a Czechoslovakian woman living in Washington state, she’s saving all the money she earns at a factory to pay for eye surgery for her son. She’s nearly blind and memorizes the eye chart so she can pass an eye exam and continue to work with an incredibly dangerous machine. Deneuve is her closest friend who also works at the factory, Morse is a police officer in whose backyard the trailer Bjork and her son live in. Yes, it’s a musical. Every now and then, the graininess is put aside for a bright and shiny music video. These breaks don’t really advance the plot; well, they might but Bjork’s voice is usually difficult to understand when she sings. Depending on your tolerance for pretentious (which, in this case, means wicked depressing) filmmaking, you might really enjoy this. A good measuring stick is 1995’s Leaving Las Vegas, which was also a downer that critics rallied around. If you liked that, then you might like this too. Otherwise, stay away.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Leaving Las Vegas: C
Movie: Hotel (1967)
Cast: Rod Taylor, Melvyn Douglas, Kevin McCarthy, Karl Malden
Thoughts: It runs longer than it probably should, and everything ties up a little too neatly, but this Grand Hotel wannabe achieves most of what it sets out to. Taylor is the general manager of the St. Gregory Hotel in New Orleans, which is in dire financial straits. Douglas is the owner who is set in his ways, McCarthy is a hotel magnate who wants to buy this one, and Malden is a thief with, seemingly, a key to every room in the building. Subplots include a duke and duchess involved in a sloppy cover up of an accident and Taylor’s romance with McCarthy’s traveling companion, both of which take up more time than is needed. It’s a nice movie despite the fact that it’s dated, and if you like these all-star dramas with several characters and plot lines, you’ll appreciate this one.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Grand Hotel: B+
October 4
Movie: Control (1987)
Cast: Ben Gazzara, Kate Nelligan, Kate Reid, Burt Lancaster
Thoughts: Made for TV attempt at a nuclear holocaust drama fails due to it’s weak ending and irritating characters. A group of 15 multinational volunteers (who are going to be paid $15,000, which disqualifies them from volunteer status) are locked in a nuclear fallout shelter for 20 days to test it’s habitability. After 18 days of childish behavior, they receive transmissions over their radio and TV that a multi-headed (?) nuclear missile has been accidentally fired and will, coincidentally, only strike the cities that the volunteers are from. That’s more than half way through the movie, which breaks my rule of not mentioning anything after that point, but nothing else happened, so I couldn’t help it. Sure, at one point the temperature rose to 41 degrees Celsius when the generator broke, but there wasn’t any suspense there, just a lot of sweat. And the little boy disappeared for a few minutes, but what were we supposed to think, that he was kidnapped? It’s not horrible, but it isn’t tolerable either.
Grade: C-
October 3
Movie: Nurse Betty (2000)
Cast: Renee Zellweger, Morgan Freeman, Chris Rock, Greg Kinnear, Crispin Glover, Alison Janney, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Aaron Eckhart
Thoughts: Neil LaBute, who impressed critics and few others with his first two films, 1997’s In the Company of Men and 1998’s Your Friends and Neighbors, goes lighthearted with Nurse Betty. Zellweger is Betty, a huge fan of a soap opera set in a hospital. She witnesses the murder of her husband (Eckhart) and is traumatized into believing that the soap opera is her real life, so she goes to L.A. to find the star (Kinnear). She’s chased by the killers, Freeman and Rock, who want the cocaine stashed in the trunk of the car she’s driving. There have been better movies made about a celebrity’s number one fan meeting their idol, Rob Reiner’s stellar Misery comes to mind, but this movie has a lot going for it. Zellweger makes Betty sympathetic without making her too pathetic, despite her madness, and Freeman finally gets to play a bad guy, of course he practically redeems himself near the end. Rock and Kinnear are still improving as actors, but both do better work here than anywhere else. I hope LaBute keeps up the whimsy, without giving in to zaniness.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: In the Company of Men: B+; Your Friends and Neighbors: C+; Misery: A
October 1
Movie: Along Came a Spider (2001)
Cast: Morgan Freeman, Monica Potter, Michael Wincott, Dylan Baker, Michael Moriarty, Penelope Ann Miller, Billy Burke, Jay O. Sanders, Anna Marie Horsford
Thoughts: With it’s cast of character actors, this movie was bound to be noticed for acting, if nothing else. Freeman, who often plays character parts in the lead role, is once again Alex Cross, who he also played in 1997’s Kiss the Girls. This time he’s on the trail of a kidnapper (Wincott) who ran off with a senator’s daughter, Potter is the secret service agent helping him out and Baker is the grumpy guy who doesn’t really have a purpose. I was really liking this movie until near the end when a twist I predicted early on came true, I hate when I’m smarter than the people in the movie. I’ve read several books by Jonathan Kellerman, one of which this movie is based on, and featuring Cross, and I was disappointed that Sanders’ character, who is often vital in the books, was reduced to barely a cameo lest viewers discover something about him. Aside from those complaints, the movie is brisk and exciting, and it repeats Ransom’s one man chase scene. I don’t care how many times I see that, it’ll always be cool.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Kiss the Girls: B; Ransom: A
Movies seen but not mentioned below: Beautiful (2000) - C+; Bloody Mama (1977) - B-; The Body Snatcher (1945) - C+; Bootmen (2000) - B; Don Quixote (2000) - B-; Isle of the Dead (1945) - B-; The People That Time Forgot (1977) - D-; The Watcher (2000) - B
September 30
Movie: Spy Kids (2001)
Cast: Daryl Sabara, Alexa Vega, Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Alan Cumming, Tony Shalhoub, Teri Hatcher, Robert Patrick, Richard Marin
Thoughts: There’s a fine line between a kid’s movie and a family movie. Scratch that, it’s a huge line. A kid’s movie is usually excruciating, in one way or another, for anyone whose age is in double digits to sit through. 1999’s Pokemon: The First Movie is a good example, and the fact that I, a sequel junkie, have yet to endure either of it’s two follow-ups, speaks to it’s painful animation and story line. A family movie is high enough in quality that an entire family, or even a 20-something movie fan, can watch and enjoy the entirety of. Spy Kids, mercifully, falls into the latter category. Directed by Robert Rodriguez, best known for the ultra-gory From Dusk Till Dawn and the ultra-violent Desperado, tones it down for a young audience and manages to retain most of his style. Banderas and Gugino play former spies, now consultants, who get called off on an emergency mission, during which they are captured by villains Cumming and Shalhoub. Their kids, Sabara and Vega, are the only ones who can save them, and with a little help from Marin that’s just what they do. The effects are plentiful but not great, good enough to keep the movie from abruptly halting to show themselves off, but not good enough to keep me from noticing most of them. It gets a little corny, but at least it doesn’t follow the Disney formula for family films, where at least one parent must be dead, or else the parents must be divorced, for the story to proceed. It’s set up as the first in a series, and I hope the talent behind this one returns for each installment.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Pokemon: The First Movie: C-; From Dusk Till Dawn: B-; Desperado: B+
Movie: Driven (2001)
Cast: Kip Pardue, Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, Estella Warren, Robert Sean Leonard, Gina Gershon
Thoughts: This is such a bad movie that it doesn’t even follow through on the most predictable plot contrivances. A character is shown to be friends with everyone, he’s always happy, he’s religious and he’s married to Gershon, who is also Stallone’s ex-wife. As soon as I saw him, I knew he was going to die in a fiery car wreck. The wreck finally comes, during a rain storm, but the guy survives. I was stunned, but not in the good way. Pardue plays a guy who can drive a car really well, so well that everyone says he has a gift. He drives really fast and often wins races, or else places second. Anyway, his main competitor, the only guy who ever beats him, just broke up with his wife (or girlfriend, I don’t know) and she wanders down the track a bit and hooks up with Pardue. She’s played by Warren, who was also eye candy in Planet of the Apes this past summer. If you’ve seen Days of Thunder, which I liked a whole lot more than this garbage, you’ve seen anything that can be construed as good in this movie. There's nothing new, save for a handful of absurd sequences, like Stallone running over quarters on the race track. The climax is an enigma, it’s completely anticlimactic. It’s almost as though it was an after thought on the part of director Renny Harlin, who spends a lot of time lingering on race fans eating and walking around half naked. I can only hope that The Fast and the Furious wasn’t a big hit because it was a little better than this, but rather because it was actually good.
Grade: D+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Planet of the Apes (2001): A-; Days of Thunder: B+
September 28
Movie: Zoolander (2001)
Cast: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Christine Taylor, Will Ferrell, Jerry Stiller, Milla Jovovich, David Bowie, Andy Dick, Anne Meara, Winona Ryder, Billy Zane
Thoughts: I waited to write up my thoughts on this movie, which I saw on September 28, until after I had read the reviews by professional and internet critics, on September 30, for a very good reason: I knew they’d all hate it. They probably thought it would be a satire on the fashion industry, which it is not. They probably thought, since they’ve praised Stiller and Wilson endlessly in nearly everything they’ve done, that this movie would be the off-kilter, not for mainstream audiences type of comedy the duo is known for. Sure, 2000 saw Stiller in Meet the Parents and Wilson in Shanghai Noon, both crowd pleasing and enjoyable comedies, but to see the cleverness these two are really capable of, try Stiller’s Reality Bites, which he directed, and Wilson’s Rushmore, which he co-wrote with Wes Anderson, another brilliant comic mind who critics will deeply resent if he ever approaches mainstream. The first critic I went to was Roger Ebert, who has been a little sporadic in the last year or two (thumbs up for Scary Movie? thumbs down for Gladiator and Erin Brockovich?), because he’s the most well known critic working today. He gave the movie one star, and his main complaint was that the plot had Stiller being brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. His argument was based on the fact that Malaysia is a real country with a real Prime Minister, he thinks the movie should have made up some country so as not to offend Malaysians. In other words, he thinks the filmmaker’s should have censored themselves to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, instead of digitally removing the World Trade Center, they should have crossed out the word Malaysia in the script and written in some nonsense word. This from a man who’s biggest complaint about movies to date was that an orgy in Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut was digitally hidden. So I read his whole review and immediately discounted it as a knee jerk reaction to a movie that he would have given two stars, or more, had the United States, and the world, not been thrown into such disarray recently. I read through several critic’s reviews online and many had the same complaint, no one said they didn’t think the movie was funny, even Ebert mentioned specific scenes he found amusing, they were just morally outraged by the assassination plot. So am I a bad person for liking it so much? Should I have watched it, as these professional and amateur critics did, just looking for a reason to be angered? I don’t think so, I think it’s more fun, though more difficult, to put aside thoughts of terror for 90 minutes, long enough to thoroughly enjoy another fine comedy from Stiller and company.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Meet the Parents: B+; Shanghai Noon: B+; Reality Bites: A-; Rushmore: A-; Scary Movie: F; Gladiator: B+; Erin Brockovich: B+; Eyes Wide Shut: B-
September 27
Movie: Love’s Labour’s Lost (2000)
Cast: Alessandro Nivola, Kenneth Branagh, Adrian Lester, Matthew Lillard, Alicia Silverstone, Natasha McElhone, Emily Mortimer, Nathan Lane, Timothy Spall
Thoughts: This is the only adaptation of William Shakespeare’s Love’s Labour’s Lost I’ve ever seen, and I can only assume that it’s the worst, or else no one would ever speak of it. Nivola is the King of some little country who forces his friends to give up women, among other things, right before Silverstone, a French princess, and her posse pay them a visit. There’s four in each group, so they pair off and fall in love. Every few minutes, the dialogue is interrupted by the goofiest musical numbers I’ve ever seen. It sounds like most of the actors actually sing, as opposed to lip synching to someone else’s voice, and they sound just fine, but they aren’t dancers, and the dancing scenes just look ridiculous. I can usually take such things in and laugh them off, but they’re so frequent and there is so little else of note in the movie that I was just increasingly annoyed by each one. At least Lane is on hand to show the viewer that it can be done well.
Grade: C-
Movie: The Little Vampire (2000)
Cast: Jonathan Lipnicki, Richard E. Grant, Alice Krige, John Wood
Thoughts: I think it’s time for all of us to admit that Lipnicki is not an actor. His “performance” in 1996’s Jerry Maguire was clearly just him being himself, since he’s given the same performance in everything he’s done. Stuart Little was fine, because he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t do in Maguire, but as demonstrated by the awful Bronson Pinchot sitcom, Meego, and this movie, Lipnicki should look into retirement. Pity the formerly respectable actors Grant, Krige and Wood who disgraced everything that came before it by appearing in this family vampire comedy. Grant plays the daddy vampire, Krige is the mommy vampire and Wood is the descendant of a woman who had a red stone the vampires need to become human. Lipnicki is an American boy living in Scotland, which is apparently crawling with British vampires, who stumbles upon this story and involves himself and ultimately saves the day is a painfully drawn out and dull climax. The camera frequently trains itself on the young actor’s face, obviously hoping that it will convey some sort of emotion, but it just looks like he’s waiting for someone to say cut. The only reason this movie doesn’t appear on my worst of the year list is because last year was one of the worst years for movies ever.
Grade: D
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Jerry Maguire: B; Stuart Little: B
September 26
Movie: Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)
Cast: David Huddleston, Dudley Moore, John Lithgow, Burgess Meredith
Thoughts: I don’t like to use words like boring and stupid to describe a movie, I just think they’re over used, but sometimes my hand is forced. Huddleston plays a man recruited to be Santa Claus, whether or not there was a Santa before him is never really mentioned, by Meredith, who puts in a brief appearance. Moore is an industrious elf with big ideas about assembly line production that ultimately gets him in hot water with the children of the world, and Lithgow is an evil toy manufacturer (his company makes panda bear toys that are filled, for some reason, with broken glass and nails) determined to run Santa out of business. There is a homeless boy that Santa befriends, a poor little rich girl who happens to be Lithgow’s step-niece (how does one end up being raised by their step-uncle?), and everyone is inherently good, especially the homeless boy, except Lithgow, who gets the dumbest comeuppance I’ve ever seen. I’ve only seen two other movies with Santa as a main character, the others being 1964’s Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, which isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds, and 1994’s The Santa Clause, which committed the unforgivable sin of killing Santa on screen, and this one is the worst. And that’s really saying something.
Grade: D-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: D; The Santa Clause: D+
Movie: Twists of Terror (1996)
Cast: Jennifer Rubin, Nick Mancuso
Thoughts: Canadian cable movie tells three attempts at frightening stories that end with a twist of some sort. Knowing that a twist is coming, it’s often hard to do anything other than try to figure it out before it happens. In each story, the first character you see is somehow involved in the twist, although the second story is slightly different than the others. The first installment has a couple celebrating their third anniversary when, on a nearly deserted road, they crash their car. Then they’re picked up by a mysterious stranger in an old looking van. Knowing a twist is coming, do you think the stranger is as dangerous as the people in the story seem to? The second has a man running out of gas in front of a closed gas station. It’s guarded by a German shepherd that takes a chunk out of the guy’s leg, luckily it’s across the street from a clinic, which he manages to hobble to. The twist in this story is apparent early on, when the people in the clinic start acting suspicious and dismissing blood spattered walls and sounds of anguish. The third story has a single gal meeting a guy in a bar and then going to visit him at a house he’s sitting for a friend of his. Let’s see, the most likely scenario is that the guy is going to kill or torture or otherwise terrify her, so we know that won’t happen. There’s not much bad here, but there’s nothing interesting either. The wrap around story, with a shut-in trying to convince the camera not go “out there” because of all the bad people, is perfectly serviceable, but completely uneventful and only exists to tie the unrelated stories together. There aren’t any good scares, despite the “Terror” in the title, and the twists don’t surprise the way they should, making this completely ineffectual.
Grade: C-
September 25
Movie: Pink Cadillac (1989)
Cast: Clint Eastwood, Bernadette Peters, Timothy Carhart, Michael Des Barres, Geoffrey Lewis, James Cromwell, Jim Carrey
Thoughts: One of Eastwood’s sillier efforts, this one has him playing a skip tracker, a guy who finds bail jumpers. Peters is Carhart’s wife, she gets framed for possession of some counterfeit cash and runs to Reno. Des Barres is the bad guy, he’s the boss of an inept militia, but his evilness isn’t so much that it takes away from the intended comedy of the movie, which is often surprisingly good. Carrey puts in an appearance as a comedian in a Reno casino, both Eastwood and Peters show disdain for his attempt at an Elvis impersonation. Critically despised, for the most part, during it’s release, Pink Cadillac must have caught people off guard. It’s not a bad movie, but rather a ridiculous departure for it’s tough guy star.
Grade: B
September 24
Movie: The 6th Day (2000)
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Rooker, Tony Goldwyn, Robert Duvall, Michael Rapaport
Thoughts: Set in a future that is “sooner than you think,” The 6th Day opens with a player being seriously injured during an XFL game. That’s the most noticeable continuity error, if you can call it that. Schwarzenegger is Adam Gibson, a helicopter pilot who returns home one day to find his family, friends and self in his living room having a party. It turns out someone has been illegally cloning humans and, through a series of events I won’t describe, there are now two Adams. Rooker plays the head henchman in charge of killing one of the Adams, Goldwyn is the millionaire behind the whole operation and Duvall is the scientist with his own reasons for ignoring the law. There’s lots of destruction and gun play, typical of Schwarzenegger vehicles, and the dialogue is often awkward. But the absurd plot and leaps in logic are easy to forgive, thanks to the very presence of the only major action hero still worth watching these days. Sylvester Stallone is busy trying to become a real actor with movies like Get Carter, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal have been relegated to straight-to-video status, save for Seagal’s recent fluke, Bruce Willis hasn’t done a real action movie in three years or more, depending on your definition, Jackie Chan is more of a comedian, and Jet Li’s movies are too arty to satisfy real action fans. Somehow, Schwarzenegger is the last man standing in this genre, and I don’t mind a bit.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Get Carter (2000): C
September 23
Movie: Wonder Boys (2000)
Cast: Michael Douglas, Tobey Maguire, Robert Downey Jr., Frances McDormand, Katie Holmes, Rip Torn, Richard Thomas, Jane Adams
Thoughts: Critics loved this movie so much that it’s studio assumed that a lousy marketing campaign and a February release date were to blame for it’s mediocre performance at the box office. It was released again near the end of the year and was again acclaimed by critics, who were now pleading with audiences to go see it. But they didn’t. Audiences have flocked to the re-releases of Star Wars, Grease and The Exorcist, but this one was just too soon, and the movie too little known. It turns out the critics were right though, audiences should have given Wonder Boys a chance. Douglas is an author having a problem with his second book, he has it written, he just can’t bring himself to finish it. Maguire is his deeply troubled student, Downey is his editor, McDormand is the woman he’s having an affair with. It’s basically a buddy movie, Douglas and Maguire being the buddies who have all sorts of misadventures, but the screenplay is clever enough to avoid clichés of the genre. Sure, there’s dog abuse (a blind dog is shot to death and it’s corpse is carted around), which always annoys me, and Douglas’ character’s behavior gets old fast. Luckily, he redeems himself soon after. A very funny, engrossing and entertaining movie that has a few moments of genuine insights into the mind of a writer.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Star Wars: A; Grease: C-; The Exorcist: The Version You’ve Never Seen: A
Movie: The Offspring (1987)
Cast: Vincent Price, Clu Gulager, Terry Kiser, Rosalind Cash, Lawrence Tierney
Thoughts: Idiotic collection of short horror stories tied loosely together by librarian Vincent Price. The film opens with Price’s niece being put to death in a prison, a reporter is there and afterwards, she makes a bee line for Price himself, who proceeds to regale her with four unrelated tales of viciousness. Price believes that the town all of these stories take place in, Oldsfield, has something to do with why people resort to such unseemly deeds. The first story has a man lusting after a coworker, who is nothing but unpleasant to him. The second has Kiser seeking eternal life from an old man in a swamp. Cash plays a carnival mistress in the third story, she seems to have some dirt on everyone who works for her. The final story has some soldiers, immediately after the civil war, stumbling across a house inhabited only by children. The only reason I can think for someone to want to see this, is because they are, as I am, a Price completist. He’s the only source of interest, and his role is essentially meaningless, he’s only there to bookend each story. Not worth the time it takes to endure.
Grade: D
September 21
Movies: startup.com (2001) & The Tailor of Panama (2001)
Cast: Kaleil Isaza Tuzman, Tom Herman & Pierce Brosnan, Geoffrey Rush, Jamie Lee Curtis
Thoughts: I told a friend of mine that I wouldn’t write combination reviews like this again, but here’s another one. The former film, a documentary about the meteoric rise of an internet company, and it’s even quicker fall, features, in a brief shot from a ferry, the World Trade Center. The latter, a dramatic thriller about a tailor in Panama spinning tales in an effort to bilk another man out of thousands of dollars, features, in a brief shot from an airplane, The Pentagon. That disturbing coincidence aside, both films are very entertaining. startup.com follows two childhood friends as they get their internet company, govWorks.com, designed to “help government work,” up and running successfully. They go through frustrating meetings with financial backers, corporate sabotage and the ultimate crash of the dot-com industry, and their handling of it is riveting throughout. Tailor has a disgraced Brosnan, who works with the British government, as usual, being punished with a job at the Panama embassy. He hooks up with a local high-end tailor (Rush) and pumps him for information about local politics. The tailor is in dire financial straits, and he decides to just invent false information to feed to Brosnan, who takes it all seriously, in exchange for large amounts of cash. With three fine actors in the lead roles, Curtis is Rush’s untrusting wife, and a story from John le Carré, Tailor could end up being one of the best movies of the year.
Grades: startup.com: A-; The Tailor of Panama: A-
September 20
Movie: Bedazzled (2000)
Cast: Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley, Sarah Wynter, Orlando Jones
Thoughts: I enjoyed the original 1968 version of Bedazzled, with Dudley Moore and Peter Cook, but the very British humour kept me from loving the way many people do. I actually like this remake, which was widely dismissed when it was released last year, a little bit more. Aside from Cameron Diaz, not a lot of models make a successful transition to actress in the last 10 years, Cindy Crawford did the worst job of all, appearing in 1995’s awful Fair Game. Claudia Schiffer has had a handful of tiny roles in movies as diverse as 1994’s Richie Rich and 2000’s Black and White. Elle MacPherson has fared a bit better, with roles in respectable movies like 1994’s Sirens and 1997’s The Edge. The one thing all three have in common is that they were greeted with a nearly unanimous shrug by critics and audiences. None of them have a notable role in a hit movie, and they haven’t gotten much, if any, praise from critics for anything other than being pretty to look at. Hurley, on the other hand, has never even attempted to stray beyond her abilities. Sure, she has debacles on her resume, like Rowing With the Wind and Nightscare, but those movies never graced theaters. She’s best known for her role in the first Austin Powers film, although her performance in 1998’s Permanent Midnight was more impressive. She wisely followed it with eye candy roles in My Favorite Martian and EdTV, while staying behind the camera to do some producing. If she continues with these types of choices, Hurley could very well be the next Isabella Rossellini, quite possibly the most respected model/actress. In Bedazzled she wraps her acting chops around Satan, and she handles it excellently, managing menace, desire and insecurity all within a few minutes. Fraser, Hollywood’s most frequently dorky leading man, does good work too, though, when his character and Hurley’s share the screen, he seems to exist only to be the object of her scorn. Director Harold Ramis has made a career out of absurdly plotted comedies, and this one is almost up there with his best, Groundhog Day. This Bedazzled will never have the following of the original, but it is more crowd pleasing.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Bedazzled (1968): B; Fair Game: D-; Richie Rich: B-; Black and White: B-; Sirens: B-; The Edge: B+; Rowing With the Wind: C-; Nightscare: C-; Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery: B+; Permanent Midnight: B; My Favorite Martian: C-; EdTV: A-; Groundhog Day: A-
September 19
Movie: Lost Souls (2000)
Cast: Winona Ryder, Ben Chaplin, Philip Baker Hall, John Hurt, John Diehl, Alfre Woodard
Thoughts: This is one of those movies that the studio thought was garbage so it wasn’t released until over a year after it was finished. It’s especially suspicious given that cast, including Oscar nominees Ryder and Hurt, as well as Woodard, who is uncredited in her role as an insane asylum doctor. The movie isn’t all that bad, but even with the best marketing, it would never have been a hit, it’s too arty. The plot is mainstream enough - Satan is about to take the form of Chaplin and it’s up to Ryder, who was once possessed by a demon and who now sits in on exorcisms, to save the world. 1999’s Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle End of Days did the same thing, essentially, and other movies have too. There’s nothing new, save for the odd scene of Hurt’s exorcism which was probably great fun for the actor, but the above average cast and interesting decisions by the director (the artiness alluded to earlier) make the movie easy to take.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: End of Days: B-
September 18
Movie: Last Summer in the Hamptons (1996)
Cast: Victoria Foyt, Viveca Lindfors, Roscoe Lee Brown, Andre Gregory, Roddy McDowall, Martha Plimpton, Ron Rifkin, Diane Salinger, Brooke Smith, Holland Taylor
Thoughts: A large theatrical family has one last get together before the matriarch (Lindfors) sells her Hamptons estate. Foyt is a well known, outside of this circle, Hollywood actress whom everyone is instantly annoyed by. The rest of the cast play dysfunctional characters that are usually more prevalent on TV than in movies, except that here each of them over reacts like it was a bodily function. There seems to innumerable scenes of people fighting, both quietly and loudly, and then making up a moment later. Rifkin and Plimpton, as a father and daughter, are most at odds, fighting over whatever catches their eyes. Still, the cast is stellar to say the least, almost to a fault, and director Henry Jaglom juggles the multiple characters and story lines perfectly. I would have enjoyed it more if either the fighting were based on something that was revealed to the audience, or if people just got along better.
Grade: B
September 17
Movie: The Original Kings of Comedy (2000)
Cast: Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer, Bernie Mac
Thoughts: The over enthusiastic title betrays what is ultimately two hours of respected comedians going on and on about how “black folks” and “white folks” are different. On the “Homer and Apu” episode of The Simpsons, Homer was watching a black comedian on one of those standup comedy shows. The guy was talking about how “black guys drive a car like this here,” and then he leaned back as though one hand was on the wheel and the other arm was draped over the back of the seat. Then he said “But white guys, white guys drive like this,” and he stood as though he were sitting on the edge of a seat with both hands on the wheel and his face almost up against it. Homer laughed loudly and declared “It’s true, it’s true! We’re so lame!” I think he would have a similar, if not identical, reaction to this movie. I’ve never been a fan of standup comedy, it just makes me uncomfortable for some reason, but the accolades this film got intrigued me enough to want to see it. Harvey, whose act was toned down considerably for a family sitcom, Hughley, whose act was toned down considerably for a family sitcom, Cedric, whose act was toned down considerably for a supporting role on Harvey’s sitcom and Mac, whose act will no doubt be toned down considerably for his upcoming family sitcom, all disappoint. They have lots to say about money and sex, they choose people in the crowd at random and mock them, and they do scores of other stuff that you’ve seen stand-ups doing for years. Hughley has a bit that’s strikingly similar to something Eddie Murphy did in Raw, and Cedric seems to have borrowed from Bill Cosby (and added some profanity). The only thing that’s original about this movie is that Spike Lee claims to have “directed” it.
Grade: C-
Movie: Left Behind (2001)
Cast: Kirk Cameron, Brad Johnson, Chelsea Noble
Thoughts: Mysteriously released into theaters after it’s video premiere, Left Behind, even more mysteriously, eked out a respectable $4.2 million gross earlier this year. If you aren’t totally on board with everything the bible says, you’re going to find this movie irretrievably preachy and absurd. A bunch of people, all around world, suddenly disappear, a scientist has discovered a way to grow wheat in the desert (shades of the desert corn field in 1998’s The X-Files movie), some wealthy businessmen are trying to control the world’s food supply (did I mention that there isn’t very much food around anymore?), and behind it all is no less than Satan himself. Don’t worry though, because here to save the world is former Growing Pains star Cameron. It has the makings of a fun, goofy made-for-TV thriller, but it takes itself so seriously that you can’t help but laugh whenever a grave revelation is made. The message is clear: go to church every day of your life or endure hell on Earth for all eternity. I think sitting through this movie gives me a lot of credit in that department.
Grade: D+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The X-Files: A
September 16
Movie: It Came From Hollywood (1982)
Cast: Dan Aykroyd, John Candy, Cheech & Chong, Gilda Radner; film clips featuring Dolores Fuller, Peter Graves, Tor Johnson, Bela Lugosi, Edward D. Wood Jr., voice of Vincent Price
Thoughts: Popular comedians riff on B-movies from Hollywood’s golden era and beyond, which is an interesting concept, but the follow through is largely weak. Radner, predictably, comes off the best, especially in an early sketch, in which she hears of an escaped gorilla on the radio. Aykroyd and Candy do okay, but I’ve never been a fan of Richard Marin and Tommy Chong, and their activities here don’t do anything to win me over. The real fun is watching clips of movies and trying to guess what they are, I probably had more luck than the average viewer would, simply because I’ve sat through more of these movies. Some of the notable films are Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Bride of the Monster, The Fly, House on Haunted Hill, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Plan 9 From Outer Space, The Tingler and The War of the Worlds. There are loads of others, most of which I couldn’t hope to ever name, and my only complaint is that there weren’t more and longer clips.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: B+; Bride of the Monster: C-; The Fly (1958): B; House on Haunted Hill (1958): B-; The Incredible Shrinking Man: C; Plan 9 From Outer Space: C; The Tingler: B; The War of the Worlds: A-
September 15
Movie: On the Waterfront (1954)
Cast: Marlon Brando, Eva Marie Saint, Lee J. Cobb, Karl Malden, Rod Steiger
Thoughts: Elia Kazan’s controversial (at the time) multi-Oscar winner casts Brando as an ex-boxer working as a longshoreman in New York. Saint makes her debut here, as the sister of a man Cobb, the mob boss in charge of the operation, had killed, Malden is a priest trying to convince the men to stand up for themselves. The fact that it’s almost 50 years old probably contributes to the unending accolades, the movie itself isn’t as wonderful as it’s made out to be. Brando does great work, of course, as do most of the other men, but Saint, who won an Oscar, is overwrought. There are some unexplained coincidences, and the end is a typical (or at least it’s typical now) comeuppance for the villain that was likely more satisfying in 1954. Watching On the Waterfront for the first time today, I can say that it’s a really good movie, but not quite worthy of it’s reputation.
Grade: B+
Movie: Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (1987)
Cast: Charles Bronson, John P. Ryan, Kay Lenz, Soon Teck-Oh
Thoughts: I don’t know why critics were so hard on these movies, they aren’t that bad. I expected them to get progressively worse as the series dragged on, but instead they’ve leveled off, after a slight decline with the first sequel. Bronson is still steely and believable as he does away with violent criminals before going home to whoever has the misfortune of being his new girlfriend (Lenz, this time). In this installment, he’s hired by a wealthy man (Ryan) whose daughter died of a drug overdose to kill the higher ups in two rival drug gangs. There’s good action scenes, and the dialogue is actually above average for the genre, and the story, while strikingly similar to that of the preceding three films, has enough new stuff to keep it from getting boring. The next sequel took seven years to get made, so the leveled off rule may not apply after this one.
Grade: B-
September 11 - 13
Movie: Isle of the Dead (1945)
Cast: Boris Karloff
Thoughts: Dreary but atmospheric drama that turns into a thriller in it’s final act. Karloff is a Greek general who visits his wife’s grave on an island cemetery, only to discover that her body has been stolen. That avenue is never explored, instead it’s dismissed as an attack by grave robbers. He finds a house on the island filled with odd people, one dies of the plague and everyone else is quarantined.
I have to apologize for the sudden stop. It was at this point that I learned, from leaving my television on while writing, of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center and The Pentagon. I spent the next two days alternating between the riveting but emotionally exhausting coverage, and putting a movie in my VCR to give myself a rest.
First was 2000’s Beautiful, Sally Field’s directorial debut starring Minnie Driver as a beauty pageant contestant trying to hide the fact that she has a daughter (Hallie Kate Eisenberg). Then Roger Corman’s 1970 film Bloody Mama, with Shelley Winters as Kate “Ma” Barker, and a young Robert DeNiro as one of her sons. And finally, last year’s TNT adaptation of Don Quixote with John Lithgow as the mad adventurer.
I'll return to writing up my full thoughts on movies as soon as I can, I don't know when that will be, or how frequent I'll be doing it, but I'll get back to it eventually.
September 10
Movie: Valentine (2001)
Cast: Marley Shelton, Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Katherine Heigl, Johnny Whitworth
Thoughts: Dumb slasher movie attempts to do for Valentine’s Day what Black Christmas, Halloween and Friday the 13th did for their respective days. It opens in 1988, during a Valentine’s Day dance at a school. A nerdish looking boy asks a series of girls to dance with him and they all turn him down in some cruel way. The last one he asks, a comparatively (in relation to the blonde sticks) overweight girl, does more than that, taking him behind the bleachers for a make out session. They’re discovered, she accuses him of attacking her and flash forward to present day when the girls who rejected the boy are being killed by someone in a goofy cupid mask. There is surprisingly little suspense, probably because everyone who is killed has done something cruel or sleazy in the recent past. It’s hard to care about these people, and if you don’t care about the victims, how can you enjoy the movie? I’m not saying they deserve to die, but the movie spends so much time showing the viewer how unpleasant they are, and then wants us to sympathize when they’re stalked and killed one by one. Aside from that, there’s nothing original here.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Black Christmas: B+; Halloween: B+; Friday the 13th: C
September 9
Movie: The Eternal (1999)
Cast: Alison Elliott, Jared Harris, Lois Smith, Christopher Walken, Jason Miller
Thoughts: Alternately known as Trance and The Eternal: Kiss of the Mummy, this movie won Harris a best actor award at a Spanish film festival in 1998 before going straight to video here a year later. The plot has Nora (Elliott), her husband Jim (Harris) and their son Jimmy visiting Nora’s ancestral Irish home, currently inhabited by her grandmother (Smith), a doctor (Walken) and a little girl named Alice who seems to have the run of the household. Nora has been plagued by headaches are odd hallucinations lately and seems to think this house has something to do with it. So they arrive and Nora is taken down to the basement to see the mummified corpse of a Druid witch that Walken found and is trying to resurrect. It turns out the witch is in the middle of a soul transference (or something), which is why, when she returns to life, she’s a dead ringer for Nora. It’s very complicated and often confusing, but it’s still an enjoyable horror drama, and Harris deserved that award.
Grade: B-
Movie: The Way of the Gun (2000)
Cast: Benicio Del Toro, Ryan Phillippe, Juliette Lewis, James Caan, Taye Diggs, Nicky Katt, Geoffrey Lewis, Scott Wilson
Thoughts: Christopher McQuarrie, who won an Oscar for his Usual Suspects screenplay, wrote and directed this kidnapping thriller. Del Toro and Phillippe kidnap Lewis, who is pregnant with a very wealthy man’s son, and are pursued by everyone else in the cast. At first, it looks like they’ve failed before they even get started, then they stumble upon some good fortune, then it looks like they’re screwed again, but they luck out of that too. But they aren’t idiots, they’re just inexperienced. They don’t know what they’re doing, and that’s why they’re so dangerous, the people after them can’t predict what will happen next. Great work from Lewis and Caan, as the two most complicated characters, and a screenplay that doesn’t take the easy way out, ever. Lots more gun play and violence, and even some torture, than is really necessary don’t do much to take away from the overall effectiveness of the movie.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Usual Suspects: B+
September 8
Movie: The Party (1968)
Cast: Peter Sellers
Thoughts: What is it with Blade Edwards? He makes perfectly enjoyable movies, like Micki + Maude and A Shot in the Dark, and then movies that are just awful, like The Great Race, Son of the Pink Panther, and this atrocity, which is his worst ever. Sellers, knowing that the script won’t offer any laughs, tries to help by playing an Indian (as in from India) mistakenly invited to a Hollywood party. There is minimal dialogue, which was probably intentional, to show off Sellers’ physical comedy skills, but it just makes the movie look slapped together. The supporting cast is mostly gratuitous, all they do is stand around and wait for Sellers to do something stupid, except for one of the waiters, who gets drunk (it’s funny because drunk people are inherently amusing). If you think it’s funny for a guy to constantly place himself in awkward social situations (i.e. a toilet over flows, he falls in a pool, he gets caught in a lawn sprinkler, his chair at dinner is much lower than the others etc.) then this movie is for you. And you probably haven’t ever seen a movie before.
Grade: F
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Micki + Maude: A-; A Shot in the Dark: B+; The Great Race: D-; Son of the Pink Panther: D-
September 7
Movie: Angel Heart (1987)
Cast: Mickey Rourke, Robert DeNiro, Lisa Bonet, Charlotte Rampling
Thoughts: Alan Parker’s ode to film noir casts Rourke as a 1950’s Brooklyn detective assigned to find a prewar singer named Johnny Favorite who may or may not be dead. He’s hired by DeNiro, who has a “contract” that needs to be fulfilled. The investigation takes him down to New Orleans, where he meets the daughter of one of Favorite’s girlfriends (Bonet) and a psychic (Rampling) who is also involved somehow. You know there’s something up as soon as you see DeNiro, with long finger nails, and you instantly assume that something supernatural is going on, or at least I did. The story is easy enough to follow, despite the vague information given, and it’s involving, thanks to Rourke, in one of his best performances. Riveting mystery that, unlike too many mysteries, has a very satisfying ending.
Grade: B+
Movie: Death Wish 3 (1985)
Cast: Charles Bronson, Ed Lauter, Martin Balsam, Deborah Raffin, Marina Sirtis, Alex Winter
Thoughts: Ignoring my own advice, I decided to check out Death Wish 3, and it isn’t half bad. Wary of making another movie just like the first, this one has Bronson returning to New York just in time to find out that his friend has been killed by street thugs. The cops enlist him to clean up the streets, since they can’t do anything without people who have no idea what’s going on (politicians, professional protesters, etc.) getting upset. So he sets about killing the bad guys, one of whom is played by Winter, four years before Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. He sets traps inside people’s apartments to catch thieves, and breaks out the heavy artillery when things get worse. It’s a revenge fantasy, pure and simple, and that’s the whole lure of these movies.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure: B+
September 6
Movie: Death Wish 2 (1982)
Cast: Charles Bronson, Jill Ireland, Vincent Gardenia, Laurence Fishburne
Thoughts: Critically abhorred sequel to 1974’s Death Wish is set just four years after the original, with Paul Kersey (Bronson) and family living in L.A. after fleeing New York. Paul is out enjoying the day with his mute (after the brutal attack of the first film) daughter and new girlfriend (Ireland) when he’s mugged. The criminals get his wallet, find his address and are waiting for him when they get home. They knock him out and kidnap his daughter, who is killed when she tries to escape. So now he’s got to go through the whole vigilante thing again, this time going for the actual people who wronged him, unlike in the first film when he went after criminals at random. Gardenia is back as the New York cop who let him go the first time and tries to stop him this time, lest the investigation reveal his release. Fishburne, like Jeff Goldblum in the original, makes an appearance as a thug, the one with pink sunglasses. Aside from specific details, this is pretty much a copy of the earlier film, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The role was tailor made for Bronson, I had no trouble believing both the content family man and the blood thirsty, revenge minded killer. These movies weren’t made to be viewed one after the other, they’re too similar. Put a couple of months, at least, between them and they’re okay.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Death Wish: B
Movie: Rollerball (1975)
Cast: James Caan, John Houseman, Maud Adams, Moses Gunn
Thoughts: The remake, directed by John McTiernan and starring Chris Klein, was supposed to come out last month, but was delayed until February. But fear not, Norman Jewison’s original is on video, and it delivers about what you’d expect. Caan has been excelling in the relatively new sport of rollerball for ten years when the head of the corporation that seems to control it asks him to quit. Houseman plays the classiest, most sinister villain I’ve seen in a long time, and he makes it easy to hate him, even though he never really does anything evil. Caan has never been great as a hero, especially one as black or white as this one. He’s fine in the role, and he’s played good guys excellently in the past, but he should never be the hero, it just doesn’t suit him. The rules to rollerball are never made clear, and they seem to change with every single game, but that doesn’t matter. When someone yells “It’s never been about the game!” he may as well be describing the movie. It’s all about the drama, and it’s pretty predictable. It ends weakly, as it tries to be inspiring, and that hurts the movie as a whole. Hopefully the remake has a better ending in store.
Grade: B-
September 5
Movie: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1932)
Cast: Frederic March
Thoughts: Overwrought, melodramatic version of Robert Louis Stevenson’s story has been mysteriously acclaimed since it’s release. March somehow won an Oscar for his awful dual performance, which can only be described as unintentionally farcical. If you don’t already know, Dr. Jekyll invents a potion that, when consumed, brings out the evil Mr. Hyde, who goes on a rampage. He’s engaged to a woman whose father is forcing them to wait eight months to get married (back then, people cared what their father’s thought about such things). He’s so upset that he downs the potion, becomes Mr. Hyde and shacks up with a prostitute, who he ultimately murders. The supporting players are fine, but you can tell that they have an extensive background either on the stage or else in silent films. The director tries all sorts of arty shots and camera maneuvers, but they all call attention to themselves, making it very distracting for the viewer. Overall, a grossly overrated drama disguised as horror.
Grade: C-
September 4
Movie: Blow Dry (2001)
Cast: Alan Rickman, Natasha Richardson, Rachel Griffiths, Josh Hartnett, Rachel Leigh Cook, Rosemary Harris, Heidi Klum
Thoughts: Enjoyable British comedy that bears a striking resemblance to last year’s The Big Tease. Both concern a hair styling competition, and both center on a competitor who is considered an underdog but who, you just know, will end up winning. The main difference is that Tease was set up to look like a documentary, while Blow Dry has no such facade. Rickman is a small town barber who used to win the competition regularly, until his partner and wife (Richardson) ran off with their model (Griffiths). The competition is in his town this year, though, and his family enters without him, with Hartnett doing the cutting in his place. Hartnett fakes an English accent adequately, while the rest of the cast uses their own natural voices. It’s distracting at first, but he’s not exactly the focal point of the movie, so it’s easy to get used to. The hair styling is ridiculous, and I’m still not sure, after seeing two different movies about, if there really is such a contest anywhere in the world. The final contest scene has women’s hair done up like sculptures that no human hair could be sculpted into, much less walk around in without it collapsing from the slightest breeze or bump. Aside from that, it’s funny and occasionally touching, with good performances from the leads. It would make a good double bill with The Big Tease, which was zanier.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Big Tease: B-
Movie: Memento (2001)
Cast: Guy Pearce, Joe Pantoliano, Carrie Anne Moss, Harriet Sansom Harris, Stephen Tobolowsky, Callum Keith Rennie
Thoughts: Often confusing revenge thriller casts Pearce as a man with short term memory loss hunting for his wife’s killer. Pantoliano is the man who seems to be helping him, Moss seems to want him to help her, but it’s all maybes. Pearce has clues tattooed on his body and written on photographs, but they’re not always clear. Pearce is great, generating pity and forcing the viewer to root for his cause, even if he might be wrong. Pantoliano is even better, never letting you know for sure if he’s trying to help or just taking advantage. It’s hard to describe the plot without giving something vital away, so I’ll leave it at the few sentences at the beginning of this paragraph. It was a little overrated by critics, but that’s understandable, it having been released during this past spring which saw few tolerable films in theaters. A great mystery that, if this year is as bad as last year, may very well end up as one of my ten best.
Grade: A-
September 3
Movie: Donovan’s Brain (1953)
Cast: Lew Ayres, Nancy Davis, Gene Evans
Thoughts: Donovan is a millionaire who has died in a plane crash, a doctor (Ayres) removes his brain, puts it in foggy water inside an aquarium and keeps it alive. Soon, the brain starts to swell, throb, glow and take over the mind of the slightly unethical doctor. It’s as serious as most 50’s sci-fi efforts, but the silly plot takes away a lot of the effectiveness. Nice performances by the leads help, they all avoid becoming melodramatic. Whether you like it or not will depend heavily on your affection for the genre and the era.
Grade: C
Movie: The Brain (1988)
Cast: Tom Breznahan, Cyndy Preston, David Gale
Thoughts: Canadian made thriller has giant brain, presumably from outer space, controlling people’s minds through a TV show called Independent Thinking, hosted by scientist Gale, also presumably from outer space. The brain quickly grows facial features, including very sharp teeth that it uses to devour anyone who wanders in front of it. Everyone in the small American town of Meadowvale (where cars have Ontario license plates) watches the show religiously, and when Breznahan is accused of murder by it’s host, they believe it, including his girlfriend and parents. The effects are pretty obvious, but the brain looks okay. The brisk pace and silly plotting combine to make a fun bad movie.
Grade: C+
September 1
Movie: Josie and the Pussycats (2001)
Cast: Rachel Leigh Cook, Rosario Dawson, Tara Reid, Alan Cumming, Parker Posey, Seth Green, Breckin Meyer, Eugene Levy, Carson Daly, Aries Spears
Thoughts: A lot of people were probably put off by the constant product placement in this movie, not realizing that it’s part of the joke (or realizing it, and not thinking it was funny). The film starts with Cumming getting rid of the boyband Du Jour, after they notice that their songs have subliminal messages. He sets out to find the next big thing and nearly runs down Cook, Dawson and Reid. He signs them right away, flies them out to L.A. and starts whoring them to the public. You could call the movie a satire on how the media brainwashes teenagers into buying stupid things because they’re “cool,” but that would mean ignoring the overwhelming cheese factor. Posey’s scenes are the best, her being the most gifted comedian in the cast (Levy only has a cameo). Reid is the weakest link, but most of that can be attributed to the fact that her character is the most annoying. MTV “star” Daly puts in an appearance, and demonstrates a frightening lack of charisma. Writing/directing team Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont, who collaborated on 1998’s Can’t Hardly Wait (which, as this movie correctly reports, was underrated), do fine work again, but it was to an unappreciative audience - for future reference, teenagers don’t like being told that they’re pawns, even if they are.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Can’t Hardly Wait: B+
Movie: The Dentist 2: Brace Yourself (1998)
Cast: Corbin Bernsen, Wendy Robie, Clint Howard
Thoughts: There aren’t many things a movie can do to make me cover my eyes, I’ve seen hundreds of horror movies, no matter how disgusting and gory, with my line of sight completely unobstructed throughout. Not so with 1996’s The Dentist and, even more so, this sequel. At the end of the first film, Bernsen was locked up in an asylum, so at the beginning of this one, he has to escape. He finds his way to a small town called Paradise where, after murdering their only dentist, he takes over the practice. The box warns of dental torture, and there is plenty of it. Directed by straight to video master and frequent Stuart Gordon collaborator Brian Yuzna (Society, Progeny), the movie is filled with grotesque imagery that, despite the fact that it's obviously fake, will make even the most desensitized person (like me) cringe in revulsion. If you think you can stomach it, give it a try.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned: The Dentist: B-; Society: B; Progeny: B-
August 31
Movie: Jeepers Creepers (2001)
Cast: Justin Long, Gina Philips, Patricia Belcher, Eileen Brennan
Thoughts: It seems that, lately, all the good movies with horror elements (and some of the bad ones) have been parodies, or else the movie just didn’t take itself, or anything else, seriously. The ones that do take themselves seriously have been painfully earnest in their attempt to get across the feeling of true horror or pain. It doesn’t help that the serious ones are usually made by inexperienced filmmakers who think that since the movie is going straight to video, they don’t need to bother with good dialogue, making due with the cliché ridden screenplay they were assigned. Jeepers Creepers, new to theaters today despite the fact that the closest thing to a big name star is Brennan, has all the best elements from the above traits. There is some oddly humourous stuff (the killer walks with an absurdly pronounced limp after being repeatedly run over by a car), but it’s mostly a serious serial killer thriller, with a nasty supernatural twist. A brother and sister are driving home together from school for spring break. They’re nearly run off the road by a big rusty truck, and later they see someone unloading what looks like bodies wrapped in sheets from the back of it and dumping them down a big pipe. They’re pursued, they elude capture and then they return to the pipe, thinking that whoever is wrapped in the sheets might be alive. Lots of gore and genuine scares (and a handful of fake-outs), good performances from the largely unknown cast and a very cool villain make for the best slasher movie I’ve seen in years. There are a lot of unanswered questions when the thing ends, but I didn’t mind. I’m sure the inevitable sequel will clear everything up. Incidentally, this is the first theatrically released film written and directed by Victor Salva since Powder, six years ago. In 1988 Salva confessed to five felony counts of sexual relations with a 12 year old boy who he videotaped in sexual situations. Such is Hollywood’s forgiving nature.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Powder: C-
Movie: Trilogy of Terror 2 (1996)
Cast: Lysette Anthony, Matt Clark, Blake Heron, Geoffrey Lewis
Thoughts: Dumb sequel to the 1975 horror compilation. Anthony fills in for Karen Black, and after seeing it, I’m betting no one will ever call their band “The Voluptuous Horror of Lysette Anthony.” The first story is a Twilight Zone reject, as Anthony and her boyfriend off her rich and elderly husband. He’s buried with his Swiss bank codes on his person, so they have to dig him up. The only problem is that the cemetery is infested with dog sized rats with a taste for human flesh. The second story has Anthony’s presumed drowned son reappearing suddenly, and wanting to play a violent game with her. It’s the weakest of the three stories, with an awful ending. The final third is a sequel to the most popular story from the first movie, Amelia, with was based on Richard Matheson’s story Prey. The credits say that it’s based on the Zuni doll from that story. It allegedly takes place right after the events of the first film, but the apartment in which Black was terrorized is suddenly four times larger with a second story. Anthony plays a museum scientist enlisted to find the origin of the Zuni doll, which subsequently terrorizes her. Instead of coming up with new ideas for the doll, the filmmakers simply repeated scenes from the original, from the suitcase capture to the toothy finale. Still, that doll is creepy as hell, especially when it screams and flails wildly with the knife in it’s hand. Overall, it’s a step down from the effective original.
Grade: C
August 30
Movie: The Black Hole (1979)
Cast: Maximilian Schell, Robert Forster, Yvette Mimieux, Joseph Bottoms, Ernest Borgnine, Anthony Perkins, voice of Roddy McDowall, Slim Pickens
Thoughts: I rented the 20th Anniversary edition of this tape, just to be sure to get the absolute best version available of one of Disney’s most expensive flops ever. Unfortunately, the only special feature is the fact that it’s in widescreen. The cover sleeve admirably admits that this movie only exists because Disney wanted to capitalize on the success of Star Wars, but it also rats on Alien and Star Trek: The Motion Picture for doing the same thing. It goes on and on about how ground breaking and impressive it was in 1979, and how it used every available technology to create it’s 550 effect shots. But this is one of those cases where just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should. The story isn’t bad - a mad scientist (Schell) kills his entire crew, turns them into robots to serve him loyally and to live out his ultimate plan, to drive his massive ship directly into a black hole. The rest of the cast stumbles upon the ship, boards it and tries to muck everything up. Just like every sci-fi movie of that era, there’s a cute robot that gets irritating fast. The effects can only be described as interesting... for their day. I’m sure it laid the ground work for the seamless effects we see today, but I refuse to be impressed by things I’ve seen done better just because they came first. Lousy performances by everyone except Schell, awful dialogue and scenes of the robots acting very human made me quickly realize that this movie deserves it’s bomb status.
Grade: D+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Star Wars: A; Alien: B+; Star Trek: The Motion Picture: B
Movie: Buried Alive (1989)
Cast: Karen Witter, Robert Vaughn, Donald Pleasance, Ginger Allen, Nia Long, John Carradine, Arnold Vosloo
Thoughts: I’ve never read the Edgar Allan Poe story that this is based on, but I have seen three different film versions of it, and none of them are anything alike. Roger Corman’s Premature Burial is probably the most famous, with Ray Milland as a man terrified of being buried alive. He is of course, but he escapes and goes on a rampage. 1990’s Buried Alive, directed by Frank Darabont, is the most fun, as Tim Matheson escapes from his flimsy coffin to terrorize Jennifer Jason Leigh. This one, also known as Edgar Allan Poe’s Buried Alive, which would lead one to believe that it’s the most loyal to the original story, takes place at a girl’s reformatory that used to be an asylum for the incurably insane. Down in the basement, a guy in a mask periodically walls up runaways, thereby burying them alive. At first, it looks like there are bugs everywhere that nobody seems to notice, which made me think they were going for a nightmare theme, but that’s abandoned after awhile. There’s also lots of gross, but often phony looking, effects, which I enjoyed anyway. Pleasance has fun as the resident creepy guy, and Carradine, in his final film, appears in his pajamas. Former porn star Allen does herself proud, giving a perfectly fine performance, right up there with Traci Lords’ best work. It’s bad, but it’s fun bad.
Grade: C
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Premature Burial: B+; Buried Alive (1990): B+
August 29
Movie: Psycho Beach Party (2000)
Cast: Lauren Ambrose, Thomas Gibson, Beth Broderick, Kathleen Robertson, David Chokachi
Thoughts: Despite the fact that this spoof was released 30 years too late, it’s still the funniest movie from last year (and is, in fact, the only comedy in my Top 10). Ambrose stars as a wannabe surfer chick with multiple personalities, Gibson is the surfing legend who teaches her and falls for her saucy side. If it wasn’t for the profanity, homo-eroticism and transvestite cop, this movie could have been made in the 60s. The plot has a killer offing people deemed imperfect - a girl with a harelip, a guy riddled with cirrhosis, etc. The humour is up there with classic films of the genre like Airplane!, as opposed to recent attempts like Spy Hard and Scary Movie. A bright and sly satire that knows how goofy it’s source material is, and doesn’t mind matching it.
Grade: A
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Airplane!: A; Spy Hard: D; Scary Movie: F
Movie: The Dish (2001)
Cast: Sam Neill, Patrick Warburton
Thoughts: The fact that everyone knows the outcome takes all of the suspense of the scene where the wind threatens to destroy the chances of seeing the moon landing on TV, but it’s still an engaging movie. NASA enlists an Australian satellite to relay the signal from the moon, and the men manning it, including Neill and Warburton, try to keep everything running smoothly. There are gratuitous subplots galore, but the movie glosses over them enough to keep the focus on the main story. It gets manipulative towards the end, but that doesn’t matter. Harmless fun that’s enjoyable throughout.
Grade: B+
August 28
Movie: Friends & Lovers (1999)
Cast: Stephen Baldwin, Neill Barry, Suzanne Cryer, Robert Downey Jr., Alison Eastwood, Leon, Ann Magnuson, George Newburn, Danny Nucci, David Rasche, Claudia Schiffer
Thoughts: Did you ever see that piece of crap sitcom Some of My Best Friends, which was based on 1997’s Kiss Me, Guido? Jason Bateman played a gay guy whose new roommate was a slightly homophobic Italian guy, played by Nucci. Well it turns out Nucci is actually a good actor, and in this movie, he’s the gay guy. He’s one of a group of friends who visit Barry’s father (Rasche) for Christmas to do some skiing. It starts pretty weakly and ends even worse, but in between there’s some good stuff. Downey attempts a German accent and succeeds in being more annoying than ever, Schiffer doesn’t embarrass herself too badly, Newburn and Eastwood expose themselves for shock value and everyone else escapes with their dignity. Cryer, who was the reason I stopped watching the mediocre sitcom Two Guys and a Girl, is actually pretty good here. Leon hasn’t made much of a splash since 1993’s double bill of Cliffhanger and Cool Runnings, and what he does here makes me hope he keeps it up. There aren’t more than one or two laugh-out-loud moments, and the bad often overwhelms the good, but it’s not a terrible movie.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Kiss Me, Guido: B-; Cliffhanger: A-; Cool Runnings: B
Movie: Trilogy of Terror (1975)
Cast: Karen Black, Robert Burton, George Gaynes, Gregory Harrison
Thoughts: Made for TV collection of three short horror stories, all based on Richard Matheson stories, all starring Karen Black. The first has Black playing school teacher Julie, who stupidly dates a student who drugs her and takes her to a motel and... so on. The second, and by far the worst, has her playing the dual role of Millicent and Therese, twin sisters, one good, one evil. The third, and most famous, has Black battling a homicidal devil doll. That last entry is Black all alone, not a single other actor appears, and it’s the strongest, albeit silliest, of the trilogy. Black gives good performances in all three stories, by the way, it was for this movie that the phrase and band name “The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black” was coined.
Grade: B
August 27
Movie: Bloodsuckers From Outer Space (1984)
Cast: Thom Meyers, Pat Paulsen
Thoughts: Grade-Z low budget sci-fi/horror yarn about an interstellar breeze that turns people in a small Texas town into bloodsucking zombies. The titular bloodsuckers are actually people from Earth, it’s the cause that’s from outer space. This is one of those bad movies that knows its bad, so it decides to go all out and have some fun. Unfortunately, the screenplay isn’t very good and the actors are worse. I laughed once, when Meyers shuddered and said “Man, that incidental music is scary.” There’s nothing painful, and it isn’t boring, so if bad movies are your thing, this one was made specifically for you.
Grade: C-
August 26
Movie: The Prisoner (1990)
Cast: Tony Leung, Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung
Thoughts: The full title is, technically, Jackie Chan is The Prisoner, but since Chan only has a supporting role, as does everyone else in this ensemble prison drama, I shortened it. Leung probably has the most screen time, barely, as a cop who gets himself arrested for assault (2 years minimum) to investigate a prison undercover. Chan is a professional pool shark (The Hustler isn’t the only Paul Newman movie ripped off, Cool Hand Luke scenes are reshot with Asian actors) who accidentally kills a guy, Hung’s crime isn’t explored, but he escapes three times. I get the impression that this movie was made as a prestige piece, but it’s so redundant (fights every few minutes, Hung’s escapes, food sharing etc.) that it gets old fast. Chan’s fights are as good as always, and Leung does well too, but the movie tries too hard to be serious. They should have picked one or the other, and if they wanted a drama, they should have left Chan and Hung out of it.
Grade: C
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Hustler: B+; Cool Hand Luke: A-
August 25
Movie: Highlander: Endgame (2000)
Cast: Adrian Paul, Christopher Lambert, Bruce Payne, Edge
Thoughts: “There can be only one!” The phrase that has been uttered, I think, in all four Highlander movies. Lambert is the only holdover from the first three movies, Sean Connery left after The Quickening, which is the only one that I like, and Mario Van Peebles was mercifully confined to only The Sorcerer. This time out, we get Paul taking over as Lambert’s lifelong pal, and Payne is this installment’s bad guy. There’s lots of boring sword fights, and heads getting lopped off, all typical Highlander stuff. Paul was the star of the syndicated series based on these movies and I get the impression that the producers think they’ll be making more movies with him as the star. Since this was the lowest grossing entry, however, a sequel is pretty unlikely, unless it goes straight to video. It doesn’t help that this is the worst of the series, it’s pretty confusing, but the fact that none of the characters are worth caring about makes it easier to just let the confusing stuff fly over your head. Pro wrestler Edge puts in a very brief appearance as an Irish rogue, his four minutes of screen time was enough to get him mentioned in TV ads. Only for die hard fans of the series, if there are any left (there can be only one!).
Grade: D+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Highlander: C+; Highlander 2: The Quickening: B-; Highlander 3: The Sorcerer: C
Movie: Get Carter (2000)
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Rachel Leigh Cook, Miranda Richardson, Michael Caine, Alan Cumming, John C. McGinley, Mickey Rourke
Thoughts: I don’t know why 1971’s Get Carter, a mediocre crime drama, was remade, and why the remake stars Stallone in place of original star Caine. This version has lots more gun violence, fist fights and car chases that the original did, but it’s still boring. Richardson and Cumming, both using their American accents, add some respectability, and Caine does what he can with his seedy and ultimately pointless character. Cook is a fine young actress who seems to have a great deal of trouble choosing projects that are worth seeing. Rourke is most impressive, but only because most people are surprised to see him in movies at all anymore. Stallone is just fine in his role, but the screenplay is all vengeance, all the time. It gets old fast, and his method of investigation, while effective, makes you wonder why the guilty parties don’t just leave town. This movie wasn’t screened for critics last fall, which caused them to whine and complain about the growing number of movies, tv shows, CDs and books that aren’t released to them in time to make it to publication. I say “Who cares?” If they don’t let you write a review, then don’t. Don’t even mention that they didn’t let you review it, that’s just giving them publicity and making people more curious. This movie isn’t even bad enough to warrant the post release rantings it got.
Grade: C
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Get Carter (1971): C
Movie: Piranha (1995)
Cast: Alexandra Paul, William Katt, Mila Kunis, Soleil Moon Frye, James Karen
Thoughts: According to the TV Guide, this was supposed to be the 1978 version, directed by Joe Dante and written by John Sayles. Both were produced by Roger Corman, but, according to all counts, the earlier version is far superior due to it’s sense of humour. This version thinks it’s a real thriller, but it’s completely thrill free. The piranha usually look like construction paper cut outs, moving motionless through the water (as in, not moving their tails, which is how real fish propel themselves). The disappointment that I wouldn’t be watching the original probably didn’t help, but this movie is just idiotic.
Grade: D
Movie: Piranha Part Two: The Spawning (1981)
Cast: Tricia O’Neill, Lance Henricksen
Thoughts: In what would have been a double bill, Spawning followed the movie above. Directed by James Cameron, this sequel to a movie I haven’t seen is about as awful as the remake of the movie its a sequel of. This time the fish can fly and attack people on land, which would explain the film’s original title Piranha 2: Flying Killers, which is how the movie is identified in the end credits. Lots of stupid people doing stupid things, while plastic fish bite people on the neck, somehow knowing to go for the jugular. Regardless, I still want to see the original.
Grade: D
August 24
Movie: The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle (2000)
Cast: Piper Perabo, Jason Alexander, Rene Russo, Robert DeNiro, Randy Quaid, Janeane Garofalo Jonathan Winters, John Goodman, Whoopi Goldberg, Normal Lloyd, James Rebhorn, David Alan Grier, Jon Polito, voices of June Foray, Keith Scott
Thoughts: I’ve never seen an episode of George of the Jungle, and that’s probably why I didn’t like that movie. But I have seen (and still watch) episodes of Rocky & Bullwinkle and Dudley Do-Right, which is actually part of R&B’s show. I liked the Do-Right movie and I like this movie. Sure they’re dumb, but anyone who has seen the cartoons will tell you that they’re in the same spirit. The announcer constantly interfering with the action, the characters talking directly to the camera, absurd coincidences and idiotic puns. It’s ridiculous, and that’s why the show is so popular. It’s appropriate for kids, but cynical 20-somethings will laugh too. The plot, not that it really matters, has our heroes trying to stop Fearless Leader (DeNiro), Boris (Alexander) and Natasha (Russo) from taking over the world via zombifyingly inane television shows. A 1992 cable movie called Boris and Natasha, starring Dave Thomas and Sally Kirkland as the dastardly duo, was fun for different (and less family friendly) reasons. I liked it a lot more than this movie, but I also haven’t seen it in years, so who knows? This one was written by Kenneth Lonergan (who won huge acclaim for last year’s You Can Count on Me), which was a shock to discover, and the in jokes and sly asides are great fun. It doesn’t take itself seriously for a second, and you shouldn’t either.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: George of the Jungle: C+; Dudley Do-Right: B; Boris and Natasha: A-
Movie: Bubble Boy (2001)
Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Swoosie Kurtz, John Carroll Lynch, Marley Shelton, Danny Trejo, Verne Troyer, Fabio
Thoughts: One of the most deceptively advertised films of the year. I usually hate it when critics mention how a movie was marketed, but this one is really asking for it. Sold as a family appropriate comedy, Bubble Boy features all manner of offensive humour. There were at least a couple of a kids in the theater, and I’m sure their parents were horrified when Gyllenhaal, sheltered his whole life in that bubble, gets an erection and doesn’t know what it is. Then there’s Kurtz, as his hyper-religious mother, who tells him that all religions other than Christianity are a lie, among other ultraconservative things. A Hindu guy hits a cow with his ice cream truck, a sideshow proprietor, Dr. Phreak (Troyer), hunts down his escaped freaks, etc. Oh, and it’s also very funny. Jimmy, the bubble boy, is just endearing in his naiveté and I couldn’t help but feel for the guy in all of his trials. He falls in love with the girl next door and when she tells him she’s getting married in Niagara Falls, he decides to build a portable bubble so he can go there and stop the wedding. His parents soon find out he’s missing and pursue him, as, eventually, do a few other groups of people - the freaks, a biker gang and a religious cult on a mission from Fabio. It’s very absurd, but it’s also good, dirty fun.
Grade: B+
August 23
Movie: Bring it On (2000)
Cast: Kirsten Dunst, Eliza Dushku, Jesse Bradford, Gabrielle Union
Thoughts: I went into this movie with extremely low expectations, I didn’t think I’d like it at all. I saw the ads for it when it was playing in theaters and I thought it looked dumb. I read positive reviews for it that said it was a guilty pleasure and negative reviews that said it was brainless fluff. Then it took it some $70 million at the box office, but I chalked that up to the unexpected girl market, which makes movies like Spice World cross the profit line. Still, I was undeterred in my ignorant judgment based on preconceived notions. But it was new to the 7-day rental shelf at my video store, making it a cheap rent, so I gave it a try. It was about twenty minutes in when I thought “Hey, this movie is good!” Dunst is the new head cheerleader for a squad that has won the national championship five years in a row. She discovers that the previous captain stole routines from another squad that has never even made regionals, but now they’re in the game, so now they have to come up with new stuff. Dunst has been the most fearless young actress in Hollywood for quite a while, taking goofy comedies like this one, satires good and bad like Dick and Drop Dead Gorgeous, and heavy dramas like The Virgin Suicides and Interview With the Vampire. She’s even a hot property for cameos, appearing briefly in movies like Mother Night and Wag the Dog. I hope Dunst continues doing movies like this, but I also hope she keeps taking chances with smaller films like Virgin, if only to give those movies a name above the title that young movie fans will relate to. Anyway, back to this movie. The characters only seem like caricatures, they have depth and they’re interesting enough to follow for 90 minutes, plus the cheers are infectious. Over the end credits there’s a (lesser) remake of the greatest cheerleading song ever, Toni Basil’s Mickey. This movie was obviously made for it’s commercial properties, but it’s a lot of fun.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Spice World: B-; Dick: B+; Drop Dead Gorgeous: C+; The Virgin Suicides: B; Interview With the Vampire: B; Mother Night: B-; Wag the Dog: A-
Movie: Bless the Child (2000)
Cast: Kim Basinger, Rufus Sewell, Jimmy Smits, Ian Holm, Christina Ricci
Thoughts: Failed attempt at horror isn’t scary or suspenseful. Basinger has been raising her niece for six years when her sister returns for the girl. She brings with her cult leader Sewell who believes that the young girl is his ticket to world domination. It’s the ultimate battle between good and evil, again. Smits plays an FBI agent who specializes in this sort of thing, Holm is a priest who helps Basinger and Ricci is a drug addict who also lends a hand. There’s lots of religious imagery, which is often used in horror movies when no other motive is readily available. Basinger has mysterious visions/dreams, of large quantities of rats, gargoyles and, once, a she-demon, all of which look okay, but you won’t think for a second that they’re anything but animation. The story isn’t very interesting, but the five actors mentioned above lend a great deal of respectability. Other than that, though, there isn’t really any reason to see this movie.
Grade: C-
August 22
Movie: Blood Surf (2001)
Cast: Katie Fischer, Dax Miller
Thoughts: If I hadn’t seen Reptilian first, I would have thought the effects in this movie were far worse than I do. This movie has a couple of surfers and a filmmaker couple traveling to The Philippines to do a little blood surfing, which is what they call cutting yourself in shark infested waters and then surfing to shore. It’s the latest extreme sport. So they do that for awhile, until their guides, an Asian couple and their daughter, are devoured by a giant salt water crocodile. The crocodile, known alternately as Salty and Big Mink, also destroys the boat they got to the shark infested waters in, so the gang is trapped. They’re accosted by some unfriendly locals, but when most of them are consumed by Salty, our heroes steal a big, immobile looking boat, getting about fifty feet before the thing explodes. They’re rescued by a couple that knows more than they say about Salty. So far more than half a dozen characters have been introduced for the sole purpose of raising the body count. Most of the effects are lousy, Salty usually looks like a forced perspective rubber toy, except when it leaps out of the water, surprisingly high in the air, and grabs one of the villains. Then it looks like a digital effect some kid put together on his PC. The best effect is when Salty bites a guy in half, it actually looks pretty realistic. The actors and dialogue are better than that of Reptilian, but that’s comparing apples and road apples. Unless you think bad movies are fun, this movie isn’t worth the effort of pressing the ‘Play’ button.
Grade: D+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Reptilian: D-
Movie: Cherry Falls (2001)
Cast: Brittany Murphy, Michael Biehn, Jay Mohr, Candy Clark
Thoughts: Widely promoted as a slasher movie satire, Cherry Falls is actually a real slasher, it has more in common with Halloween than with Scream. The fact that it’s good is probably what makes most people assume that it’s a joke. Sure, there is some humour - a deputy says he can’t ‘split’ from his post a moment before getting an axe in the head, and the killer is doing in virgins, as opposed to Jason Voorhees who killed people while they were having sex. But the movie isn’t interested in being jokey, or making fun of horror movie conventions. Instead, it uses those conventions to its advantage, having impending victims wander off on their own and giving the killer a roundabout revenge motive. It takes the slasher standards and makes them seem new again, pumping tension and suspense into scenes that are familiar to horror fans and have long since lost their novelty. Murphy, an under rated actress who plays ditzes too often, finally gets to show some range, while Biehn, who hasn’t had a good role in years, does even better. Directed by Geoffrey Wright (Romper Stomper), Cherry Falls went straight to video in North America, but played in theaters elsewhere in the world. It has great production values, and is definitely more worthy of a major release than most movies that plagued theaters last year, but it can look forward to a major cult following on video.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Halloween: B+; Scream: A; Romper Stomper: B
Movie: Shriek if You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th (2000)
Cast: Harley Cross, Julie Benz, Simon Rex, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Tom Arnold, Coolio, Shirley Jones, Rose Marie, Kim Griest, Artie Lange, Mink Stole, Alanna Ubach, Jimmie Walker, Khrystyne Haje
Thoughts: The lengthy title is the closest to clever this movie, which aired on TV in October last year, months after the identically themed Scary Movie hit theaters, ever gets. The only reason I give this movie a slightly higher grade than its more famous twin is that this movie doesn’t have the same air of hurriedness and desperation. And it has the misplaced confidence to have gags in the background and off to the side that viewers might not catch. Sure, none of them are funny, but Scary Movie made sure each and every stupid gag hit the viewer right in the face. Cross plays Dawson (whose name is funny because it’s the same as a character on a TV show), the new kid at Bulimia High School. It seems that someone is killing his fellow students, and sending the “teens” in his clique (which he became a member of simply because they all met up in his vicinity) ominous and hilarious notes that say things like “I know what you did last Chanukah.” Thiessen is the reporter in the midst of it all who attracts the attention of security officer Doughy (Arnold, who, believe it or not, gives the best performance). Coolio embarrasses himself beyond words, while Jones (yes, the mom from The Partridge Family) probably thought playing Nurse Kevorkian (har har) would help her hip quotient. I can’t bring myself to mention the other “guest stars,” they didn’t know what they were getting into. I may be alone in this, but I like Simon Rex. I think he has an interesting face and I enjoy seeing him in movies. Not the one where he’s credited as Sebastian, but movies like The Forsaken, where he’s not the center of attention - he’s not the best actor, but in small doses, like in Shriek, he’s fun. Still, the movie is awful and not funny, even when it turns things around on itself in the last act. Declaring that you’re in a bad movie with stupid jokes will not undo the fact that you’re in a bad movie with stupid jokes.
Grade: D-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Scary Movie: F; The Forsaken: B-
August 21
Movie: Reptilian (2001)
Cast: Donna Philipson, Harrison Young
Thoughts: Truly awful attempt at starting a Godzilla-esque film series. Originally released in South Korea under the title 2001 Yonggary in 1999, Reptilian concerns a massive fossil that is uncovered by archeologists and returned to life by aliens. The creature is controlled via a remote control device on it’s forehead, and the aliens plan to destroy all of humanity with Yonggary, at least according to some hieroglyphics that a scientist (Young) found two years earlier. So the thing goes on a rampage, visiting a city and causing many explosions. Oh, and the aliens can make their charge dematerialize and reappear at any time. This might have been a lot of fun, but the digital effects are worse than any I’ve seen, during a battle between Yonggary and some helicopters, it looks like the effects are getting worse and worse as the scene goes on. That, and the dialogue is incredibly awkward, and all of the actors are strictly amateur. In 1967, there was a monster movie called Yongary: Monster From the Deep. Even though this newer movie uses two g’s to spell the name, I get the feeling that Yongary/Yonggary means Big Lizard in some language, probably Korean. It’s also possible that Reptilian is a remake or a sequel, but I don’t remember much about Yongary, so I can’t say. Either way, avoid at all costs.
Grade: D-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Godzilla, King of the Monsters: C-; Yongary: Monster From the Deep: D
August 20
Movie: The Rat Pack (1998)
Cast: Ray Liotta, Joe Mantegna, Don Cheadle, Angus MacFadyen, William Peterson, Dan O’Herlihy, Deborah Kara Unger, Veronica Cartwright, John Diehl, Dey Young
Thoughts: Nobody really looks like who they’re supposed to look like, but most of them have the voices and mannerisms down. Liotta is Frank Sinatra, Mantegna is Dean Martin and Cheadle is Sammy Davis Jr. Like most biopics, the events are presented as set pieces with little, if anything, to tie them together. The film chronicles the events leading up to the election of John F. Kennedy, giving all the credit to Sinatra and his shady dealings, and the fallout afterwards. Before this movie aired on HBO, there was a race to finish Rat Pack themed picks, the most anticipated being Martin Scorcese’s Dean Martin biography, which never went past the casting stage. Now that the excitement has died down, I have to wonder, as Mantegna says in this film, ‘What was the big deal?’ I mean, its an interesting story and all, but I think it’s safe to say that everyone who wants to hear it already has. The Rat Pack is good but not great, so let’s make it the final word on the subject. At least for a few more years.
Grade: B
Movie: Groove (2000)
Cast: Denny Kirkwood, Rachel True, Steve Van Wormer
Thoughts: Quite possibly the most boring and generic movie ever made about an underground “culture.” Every time I’ve seen raves mentioned on television, it’s been ravers whining and complaining about how people think that all they do is take drugs. In this movie, everyone takes drugs, and those who hesitate are derided. The morning after, everyone is perfectly coherent and headache free. It’s clear they think they’re really doing something, the way they announce plans like they’re superheroes setting traps for villains. When a character is asked why he puts on raves, he says it’s because once every rave someone thanks him for it, tells him that they really needed it, and then they nod. Just pathetic. If anyone in real life is similar to a character in this movie, that person should be ashamed.
Grade: D
August 19
Movie: Under Suspicion (2000)
Cast: Morgan Freeman, Gene Hackman, Thomas Jane
Thoughts: This movie came very close to making my top ten for the year, if only it hadn’t gone on too long and featured one too many revelations. Freeman plays a police captain who brings in Hackman, a respected tax attorney, to answer a few questions about a murder investigation he’s involved in. Hackman discovered the body of a young girl while out for a jog with his neighbour’s dog. He’s asked to repeat a story he’s obviously given before, he changes it just enough so that he’s thrown under suspicion. The movie is very talky, which, when it’s good talk, I love. Jane plays bad cop to Freeman’s good cop, and he’s easy to be annoyed by, even you think Hackman might be guilty. Definitely worth seeing, if only to witness two of the finest actors working together, for the first time since 1992’s Unforgiven. Clips from this should be shown in acting workshops.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Unforgiven: B+
August 18
Movie: Rowing With the Wind (1987)
Cast: Lizzy McInnerny, Valentine Pelka, Hugh Grant, Elizabeth Hurley
Thoughts: Yet another telling of the night Mary Shelley came up with the (mediocre, I’ve read it) story of Frankenstein. This one plays on the ridiculous theory that the suspicious deaths surrounding Shelley, that of her husband’s, Percy Bysshe Shelley’s, first wife, her son William and Percy himself, among others, were somehow caused by the story. Grant and Hurley appear as Lord Byron and his girlfriend, and even though they’re the reason this movie was finally released on video in 1999, they have only supporting roles. I’m pretty sure this is the only Spanish-Norwegian co-production I’ve ever seen, and it looks really cheap. At one point, McInnerny and Hurley are having tea in the big hats and dresses that were common in the era, and their hats looked so absurd that I had to laugh. Hurley is virtually unrecognizable, her face cherubically chubby and her hair light brown, and Grant’s scruffy afro is out of control, more so than in later films. If you want an entertainingly idiotic telling of the same story, try Roger Corman’s Frankenstein Unbound. It was the last movie he directed, and it is, surprisingly, one of the better versions of the famous story.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Frankenstein Unbound: B-
August 17
Movie: Steal This Movie! (2000)
Cast: Vincent D’Onofrio, Janeane Garafalo, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Kevin Pollack, Kevin Corrigan, Donal Logue
Thoughts: This is why biographies should almost always be documentaries. Every event in Abbie Hoffman’s life is reduced to a three or four minute segment of this movie. D’Onofrio plays the role excellently, and the supporting cast is equally impressive, but it felt like I was watching unrelated film clips that changed topic and time period several times with no notice. Unlike the subject of another biopic from last year, Joe Gould’s Secret, Hoffman actually accomplished something, and unlike that movie, This Movie has the look of being hastily assembled. The wrap around story, about a reporter interviewing Hoffman and friends in 1977, long after Hoffman’s hey day, tries to keep everything together, but it’s too weak. I’d watch a documentary on Hoffman, or an episode of A&E’s Biography, and I bet it would be more fluid than this. It’s not bad, but it could have been so much better.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Joe Gould’s Secret: B
Movie: Coyote Ugly (2000)
Cast: Piper Perabo, Adam Garcia, John Goodman, Maria Bello, Leann Rimes
Thoughts: After a national talent search for an actress/singer to fill the lead in Coyote Ugly, the producers discovered Perabo. Rimes, who appears briefly at the end, provides her singing voice. If you’re interesting in seeing this movie, you will not care about that. This movie exists to titillate it’s viewers, it’s not actual entertainment. The bar in the movie, which is based on an actual sleazy bar in New York, has women dancing on the bar and dumping pitchers of water over themselves while men cheer and hi-five each other in delight. These are, of course, empowered women, because they choose to treat themselves like that. The few bright spots are Garcia, yet another actor from one of Australia’s many hot guy farms, and Goodman, who, despite looking bigger than ever, is still his ultra-charming and funny self. Ripe with clichés and characters that barely generate interest, Coyote Ugly is still frustratingly watchable, but that isn’t necessarily a good thing.
Grade: C
August 16
Movie: Mad About Mambo (2000)
Cast: William Ash, Keri Russell, Brian Cox
Thoughts: This is one of those movies that was filmed years ago but not released until one of the stars became famous. Felicity's Russell was enough to get this movie on a handful of screens late last summer where it raked in a meager $62,000 before getting shuttled off to video where it belongs. Set in Ireland (Russell handles the accent nicely), the plot has wannabe professional footballer Ash taking dance lessons to improve his game. Russell is the star of the class who wants to win a dance contest. You can count the seconds until her partner is injured and Ash volunteers to fill his spot. Nearly every dance and sport movie cliché is on display here, but the two leads are enjoyable to watch, so I didn’t mind too much. If nothing else, it’s a little better than Russell’s other pre-fame film, Eight Days a Week.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Eight Days a Week: C+
August 15
Movie: Uncle Sam (1998)
Cast: Christopher Ogden, Isaac Hayes, Bo Hopkins, PJ Soles, Timothy Bottoms, Robert Forster, William Smith
Thoughts: A dramatization of patriotism gone horribly awry. This goofy slasher has a Gulf War veteran, who was killed by friendly fire, returning from the dead to do in anyone who he deems unfit to be an American. Ogden is the veteran’s nephew (the veteran’s name is Sam Harper... Uncle Sam... get it?), he has nothing but positive memories of the man who he considers to be a war hero worthy of worship. His mother and Sam’s wife, however, remember a violent, controlling man who wanted everyone to fear him. The writer, Larry Cohen, has a history of tongue in cheek horror movies, like It’s Alive, and the other two films in the killer baby trilogy, the jokey The Stuff and, his best film so far, The Ambulance. This movie, alas, is one of those slashers that start off with a silly premise but then takes itself too seriously. Any attempts at humour is hidden under gore and cruelty. It’s still got some things going for it, that eclectic cast for one, and is worth seeing, if only to say that you’ve seen it.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: It’s Alive: D+; The Stuff: C+; The Ambulance: B+
Movie: Open Your Eyes (1999)
Cast: Eduardo Noriega, Penelope Cruz, Chete Lera, Fele Martinez, Najwa Nimri
Thoughts: Given the usually annoying “It’s only a dream... or is it?” plot, Open Your Eyes (made in 1997 but not released here until two years later) manages to avoid the trappings of the trick. As the lead character, Noriega’s striking good looks are a separate character. He gets into a car accident and is disfigured, his previous night’s one night stand (Cruz) doesn’t seem to care much for him anymore. Luckily, he’s a bottomless pit of money and a team of doctors are able to restore his looks, but events occur that the viewer, at first, is not let in on, and he’s put in an insane asylum. The story jumps back and forth from the asylum to Noriega’s memory of his life before that, but he’s never 100% certain if it’s real or if it’s a dream. I thought I had the movie figured out about half an hour before the end, but I was completely mistaken. Just accept the plot holes (or are they dream developments?) and enjoy the show. Director Alejandro Amenabar also helmed the current The Others, which is, so far, my number one movie of the year. This movie, meanwhile, is being remade by Cameron Crowe as Vanilla Sky, starring Tom Cruise and, reprising her role, Cruz.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Others: A
August 14
Movie: Skeletons (1996)
Cast: Ron Silver, Dee Wallace Stone, Christopher Plummer, Kyle Howard, James Coburn, Dennis Christopher, David Graf, Paul Bartel
Thoughts: I rented this movie without knowing anything about it, but the clerk said she had seen it recently and assured me that it was really good. The plot concerns Silver and family moving to a small town in Maine called Paugatuk and uncovering a conspiracy. A woman visits Silver at his new home and tells him that her son (Christopher) is in jail for a murder he did not commit and that they need his help. It seems that a while back, he and his lover moved to town and were, at first, welcomed very warmly. When everyone found out they were gay, the town became hostile and one ended up dead. Silver does a little investigating, and the townspeople become hostile towards him and his family. Everything is very sinister, especially Plummer who, as the town’s priest, does taxidermy as a hobby - just like Norman Bates. Coburn is a reporter for the town’s newspaper who seems unmoved by both Silver’s search for the truth and the town’s fear of it. Bartel appears as the mayor but only has one line, he’s probably only there to assure viewers that the filmmakers have differing opinions than most of the people in the movie. Very engrossing and entertaining, Skeletons keeps up the intensity until the end, which at first looks like it might be a cop-out. It’s directed by David DeCoteau, who is better known for movies with titles like Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama, Test Tube Teens From the Year 2000 and Beach Babes From Beyond Infinity. He makes an impressive and dramatic switch to respectable fare.
Grade: A-
Movie: The Birds 2: Land’s End (1994)
Cast: Brad Johnson, Chelsea Field, Jan Rubes, Tippi Hedren
Thoughts: Rick Rosenthal. There, I have exposed the director of this horrible movie, who attempted to hide behind the name Alan Smithee. Rosenthal got some respect in 1983 when he directed Sean Penn in Bad Boys, but this is only the second movie of his that I’ve seen, after 1981’s Halloween 2. Even if you haven’t seen Alfred Hitchcock’s over rated 1963 chiller The Birds, you aren’t going to be lost watching this dreck. The plot has Johnson and Field (whose son was killed five years ago) moving to Land’s End with the two most irritating young actresses playing their daughters. It isn’t long before Johnson is knocked off a ladder by a seagull. He runs to the town doctor/mayor and declares that a bird attacked him. The doctor/mayor tells him he’s crazy, of course. Johnson is injured again later when a raven crashes through a window at him. There’s also a subplot about Field nearly having an affair with her new boss, but that’s pointless filler that never goes anywhere. Rubes is the doom saying lighthouse keeper who notices that the birds only attack during high tide (in the original film, there was no reason or pattern given), and Hedren is store owner Helen, the fact that she was a victim of a similar phenomenon 31 years earlier is never brought up. The girls screech at the top of their lungs at the slightest thing, and the dog barks almost constantly, so the movie gets really annoying, really fast. The dialogue is forced, the characters are walking clichés, and the makeup and bird effects are just pathetic. I don’t blame Rosenthal for taking his name off of this one bit.
Grade: D
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Halloween 2: B; The Birds: C
August 13
Movie: Trixie (2000)
Cast: Emily Watson, Dermot Mulroney, Nathan Lane, Nick Nolte, Brittany Murphy, Will Patton, Lesley Ann Warren, Stephen Lang
Thoughts: Alan Rudolph’s Trixie is a mystery made complicated and confusing, not by the facts, but by the fact that an idiot is trying to solve it. Not a walking-into-a-wall idiot, but an uneducated idiot. As the title character, Watson mangles and mixes up every metaphor you could think of. It’s funny the first few times she does it, then it gets annoying, then the sheer number of them make it funny again. Trixie is a security agent who gets an undercover gig at a small casino, packed full of eccentric characters. Mulroney flirts with any women who wanders into his field of view, Lane is the casino’s entertainment, Murphy doesn’t seem to work at the casino, but she’s always there. Nolte is a senator who gets wrapped up in the film’s mystery, along with Patton and Warren. Since Trixie is so dim, her investigation is pretty much trial and error - she accuses just about everyone of the crime and stumbles upon the truth almost by accident. The silliness is redeemed by Watson’s genuine and often amusing performance, and Mulroney plays dim well.
Grade: B-
August 12
Movie: Woman on Top (2000)
Cast: Penelope Cruz, Mark Feuerstein, Harold Perrineau Jr., John de Lancie, Anne Ramsay, Ana Gasteyer
Thoughts: I always get annoyed when a movie tells me that if I don’t think someone is drop dead gorgeous then there is clearly something horribly wrong with me. Woman on Top presents the lovely Cruz as the most irresistible person, place or thing to ever appear on the face of the Earth. She walks down a street in San Francisco and has hordes of men, entranced by her beauty, follow her, and wilted flowers rebloom in her presence. The plot has her leaving her cheating husband in Brazil and moving in with her friend Monica (Perrineau). She gets a job teaching a cooking class, is discovered by a desperate television producer (Feuerstein) and put on the air to host a live cooking show called Passionfood Live. There’s nothing of substance going on, but there’s nothing objectionable either (except the film’s last line, which was so vague that, with the accompanying image, I’m not sure what it meant). More good stuff than bad, but just barely.
Grade: B-
August 11
Movie: Dr. T and the Women (2000)
Cast: Richard Gere, Helen Hunt, Kate Hudson, Laura Dern, Tara Reid, Shelley Long, Farrah Fawcett, Liv Tyler, Janine Turner, Lee Grant, Robert Hays, Matt Malloy, Andy Richter
Thoughts: With a director like Robert Altman presiding over a cast like the one listed above, you’d expect things like long tracking shots (the opening scene is a chattering doozy), interwoven plot lines, smart dialogue, excellent performances and an extended running time. Well, the plot lines are somewhat connected, the dialogue has it’s moments, the performances are good, but the running time is only two hours, short for an Altman film with such a large cast. What’s most surprising is how generic the story is. Gere is Dr. T, a gynecologist in Dallas who is in great demand. Fawcett is his wife, Hudson and Reid are his daughters, Dern is his sister (or sister-in-law, I’m not sure) and Hunt is the assistant golf pro he drools over. Sure, it’s refreshing to see Gere married to someone his own age, but the fact that Hunt is his character’s real romantic lead reminded me of Autumn in New York. The plot stumbles along, taking each development in stride without ever examining them, until the absurd finale which features a jarringly graphic birth scene (oh, the things you’ll see). The less said about the recurring theme of wet women the better. It’s not an awful movie, the talent of those involved make sure of that, but I didn’t enjoy it.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Autumn in New York: C-
Movie: Death Race 2000 (1975)
Cast: John Carradine, Sylvester Stallone, Mary Woronov, Paul Bartel, John Landis
Thoughts: I love the rare occasion when I catch SpeedVision’s Lost Drive-In, hosted by Bruce Dern. This is only the third time I’ve seen it, the others being The Wild Angels, with Peter Fonda and Nancy Sinatra, and Checkered Flag or Crash, with Joe Don Baker and Susan Sarandon. Death Race 2000, directed by Bartel, who also puts in a cameo appearance, concerns the cross country race in the distant far off year of 2000. Carradine plays fan favourite Frankenstein, who “lost a leg in ‘98, an arm in ‘99, has half a face, half a chest and all the guts in the world!” Stallone, who was interviewed about the movie during the presentation, plays the villain, “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo, barely a year before Rocky. In the interview, Stallone expresses interest in starring in a remake, should a movie studio ever lose their senses long enough to make one. The reason a remake will never happen is the simple fear of lawsuits. The rules of the Death Race allows, or rather demands, players to hit pedestrians. They get points depending on the age of the victim - women are worth 10 more points than men in all age groups, teenagers get you 40 points, 70 points for children under 12, 100 points for people over 70. Bartel knew how to have bad taste without making his viewers cringe in revulsion. When doctors and nurses put a bunch of old people (presumably over 70) out in front of a hospital, in the way of the racers, they stand a safe distance away so they can watch the carnage, or so they think. When Frankenstein, the film’s hero, comes by, he swerves to avoid the defenseless and sends half a dozen doctors and nurses flying in the air. Viterbo, on the other hand, runs down his own pit crew for extra points. Never laugh out loud funny, but a very enjoyable comic/violent satire of American bloodlust.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Wild Angels: C; Checkered Flag or Crash: B-
August 10
Movie: The Others (2001)
Cast: Nicole Kidman, Fionnula Flanagan, Alakina Mann, James Bentley, Christopher Eccleston
Thoughts: Don’t let anyone tell you anything about The Others before you see it. Knowing as little as possible will greatly enhance your enjoyment. I’ll be brief. Kidman plays a 1940’s woman whose husband has gone off to war. She’s left to care for her two young children who are both violently allergic to light. All of her sevants left a week ago, so she quickly welcomes three replacements who show up one day. The house has no electricity and the curtains need to be kept closed for the children’s safety. Kidman locks every door after she walks through it, to make sure the children don’t accidentally walk into a lit room. It’s all very creepy and foreboding. To describe further events would spoil it. It’s a ghost story, a very effective one, in fact I’d say it joins the best ghost stories ever filmed, movies like 1944’s The Uninvited, 1963’s The Haunting and 1999’s The Blair Witch Project and The Sixth Sense. I predict critics will be harder on this film than I’m being, but who are you going to believe, someone who is paid to see these movies, or me, who pays to see them?
Grade: A
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Uninvited: A-; The Haunting: A-; The Blair Witch Project: A-; The Sixth Sense: A
August 9
Movie: Grass (2000)
Cast: voice of Woody Harrelson
Thoughts: More propaganda than documentary, Grass looks back at the history of the United States of America's war on marijuana. It was introduced by Mexican workers in the 1910s, who used it to relax after a long day at work (well deserved, I’d say), but white folk thought they used it to gain super human powers (no kidding) and it was outlawed. Official warnings against the bad weed from the government ranged from “You’ll kill!” (the first attempt) to “You’ll become unmotivated” (circa 1970s). Public reaction goes from terror to acceptance in less than 60 years, but complete discrimination, proposed by then president Jimmy Carter, is thwarted when a member of the president’s cabinet is caught doing cocaine. At only 80 minutes long, Grass leaves one wanting more, which is usually a good thing. In this case, however, the end is abrupt, and I wished they had spent more than two minutes on the Clinton era war. I’m neutral on the subject, but this film is a fun history lesson, even if it is one sided.
Grade: B
Movie: Whipped (2000)
Cast: Amanda Peet, Jonathan Abrahams
Thoughts: Stupid dating comedy with a predictable twist at the end that does little to redeem the events that preceeded it. Peet plays an allegedly irrestible woman, but all she ever does is pretend she cares about whatever the guy she’s with likes. If you want to see Peet in a movie that lets her be likable, try last year’s under rated The Whole Nine Yards. In that she plays a wannabe assassin, here she’s a tramp who dates three guys at the same time, gives each of them exactly what they want, and calls it revenge. It was written and directed by a man and does little but demonstrate how awful men are, how obnoxious, possessive, petty and pathetic they can be. The women are all either sluts, idiots or, as is the case with Peet’s character, both, and the men are grating stereotypes. Just lousy.
Grade: D+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Whole Nine Yards: B+
August 8
Movie: The Eyes of Tammy Faye (2000)
Cast: Tammy Faye Messner, Jim Bakker, Rowe Messner, Jim J. Bullock, Jessica Hahn, voice of RuPaul Charles
Thoughts: I was pleasantly surprised at this even handed and engrossing biography. I guess I was almost expecting a thinly veiled scornful attack on Messner, but instead it’s mostly an account of her experiences with commentary from everyone who was willing to appear. The one who comes off worst is Jerry Falwell, the current embodiment of evil in our society. Falwell took the PTL Club and changed it, from an open minded and accepting non-denominational church, into an exclusive society of intolerance and ignorance. But that’s not the worst thing that has happened to Tammy Faye. Both of her husbands (Bakker and Messner) were imprisoned, she was mocked and humilated on a daily basis on television and in the media, her attempt at secular success (a talk show co-hosted by the openly gay Bullock) was soon canceled, and she was diagnosed with cancer. A large part of this movie is taken up with the explanations of the many tribulations she’s faced, and through it all she’s forgiving and, although frequently weeping, hopeful. Often funny and more often moving, The Eyes of Tammy Faye should have great cult success on video.
Grade: A-
Movie: Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000)
Cast: Jennifer Morrison, Loretta Devine, Hart Bochner, Joseph Lawrence, Rebecca Gayheart
Thoughts: I admit it, I liked 1998’s Urban Legend. It was dumb, but it was also jokey, it didn’t take itself seriously. Since this sequel takes place at “The best film school in the world,” it features lots of pretentious film school students making stupid slasher movies that, they think, might win an award named after Alfred Hitchcock. One of the slasher movies has everyone on board an airplane being murdered, including the pilots. That’d be interesting, if it weren’t for the fact that the same plot was used in 1997’s Turbulence. The other one has the same plot as Urban Legend, it’s suggested to Morrison by Devine. Those aren’t the only ideas ripped off, Legends is full of them, including a lame awards show assassination attempt (a shiny penny to the first person who remembers where that’s from). The first murder in the movie is the old “waking up in a tub full of ice to discover than your kidney is missing” urban legend. I was particularly affected by this section because I had one of my kidneys removed when I was 11 (by a doctor in a hospital). I especially enjoyed the touching scene when the victim’s wound is ripped open again (something I probably had nightmares about). Nasty stuff. The first movie had Robert Englund and Joshua Jackson in small roles, both recognizable faces. This movie has Bochner, who I’ve seen in at least a dozen movies and didn’t even realize it was him until the end credits said so, and Lawrence, who isn’t even Joey anymore. I’m ruining the closest thing to a good gag the movie has by including Gayheart’s name in the cast list, but I don’t really care.
Grade: D
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Urban Legend: B-; Turbulence: B-
August 7
Movie: Where the Money Is (2000)
Cast: Paul Newman, Linda Fiorentino, Dermot Mulroney, Frankie Faison
Thoughts: The caper in Where the Money Is is much simpler and less exciting than in recent caper movies like The Score and Swordfish, but this movie is more lighthearted than those. Newman plays a career bank robber who was captured when a power outage locked him inside a bank vault. In jail, he fakes a debilitating stroke and is put in a nursing home to be cared for by Fiorentino, who gradually figures out his ruse. Together they plan to rob an armoured car, with the help of Fiorentino’s husband (Mulroney). Newman and Fiorentino are great together, and it was refreshing that they didn’t couple, proving that Newman isn’t quite as needy as other actors north of 50 (I’m looking at you Michael Douglas, Harrison Ford and Richard Gere). The plot is far from original, but everyone seems to having a good time and it’s infectious. Fun with no sex (save for a near lap dance from Fiorentino) or violence, how novel.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Score: A-; Swordfish: A-
August 6
Movie: Saving Grace (2000)
Cast: Brenda Blethyn, Craig Ferguson, Tcheky Karyo, Phyllida Law
Thoughts: In the fine tradition of Half Baked comes Saving Grace, another movie about people growing marijuana for a good cause. Blethyn is Grace, her husband just died and left her a mountain of debt. Enter gardener Ferguson (who also co-wrote the screenplay), who has been unsuccessfully growing a handful of hemp plants. He goes to Grace for help and she comes up with the idea of growing it in huge quantities to pay off her debt. Most of the scenes used in the ads for the movie, of people succumbing to giggle fits and dancing around like ninnies, are all from the final third. The first hour is the setup of the money making scheme, and a somewhat gratuitous romantic subplot. It pretty much stays light hearted throughout, and the pace is brisk. The characters are interesting enough to spend the time required with them, and the screenplay gives them good, funny dialogue. An enjoyable movie, but if it was trying to make a political statement, it failed.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Half Baked: C
Movie: Cecil B. Demented (2000)
Cast: Stephen Dorff, Melanie Griffith, Alicia Witt, Adrian Grenier, Jack Noseworthy, Patricia Hearst, Ricki Lake, Mink Stole, Kevin Nealon, Mary Vivian Pearce, Eric Roberts, Roseanne
Thoughts: Dorff is guerrilla filmmaker Cecil B. Demented (who has Otto Preminger’s name tattooed on his arm), Griffith is Honey Whitlock, a Hollywood starlet who is kidnapped from the glitzy Baltimore premiere of her latest film, Some Kind of Happiness. Demented is sick of big budget movies with happy endings, and he’s out to film a rant against them for no money. He takes his captive and his crew to the screening of Patch Adams: The Director’s Cut, films them shooting the popcorn machine and telling the audience that they’re victims of marketing, and then running away. Pretty daring, huh? Then they invade the Maryland Film Commission (which I’m not certain actually exists) and shoot some cops, because cops are bad. Then it’s off to a porno movie, etc. If it hadn’t been made by former guerrilla filmmaker John Waters, I wouldn’t have expected anything other than what this movie is. Surely Waters has real stories he could have incorporated that are far more bizarre, exciting and edgy than what is seen here. Forrest Gump is spoofed (if you haven’t seen a Forrest Gump spoof before, you haven’t been paying attention), and 1988’s Patty Hearst is obviously a big inspiration for the plot (not to mention the fact that the events in that film actually happened to Waters regular Hearst). Cecil has more violence than Waters’ previous films, or at least more gun violence, and there’s no nudity at all. And aside from someone puking, there’s no gross outs at all. I look forward to Waters’ follow up to 1998’s Pecker, but until then, Cecil will have to do.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Patch Adams: C+; Forrest Gump: B-; Patty Hearst: B-; Pecker: B+
August 5
Movie: Spiders (2000)
Cast: Lana Parrilla, Josh Green, Oliver Macready, Nick Swarts, Mark Phelan
Thoughts: A spider is sent into space and the shuttle it’s on is affected by radiation from a solar flare. As everyone knows, radiation makes spiders really big. The shuttle crashes and everyone on board is dead save for two, an astronaut and a spider named Mother-In-Law. One lays an egg in the other and is soon stepped on by a government agent. The other is taken to a secret government compound where, in a really gross scene, he has a big spider explode from his mouth. The spider looks okay, until it scurries along the wall, when it looks like a bad effect. It squirts webbing at a lady doctor and bites a guy doctor on the neck before running out into the hallway to hunt everyone in the facility. It eventually gets killed when it’s thrown down a stairwell, and reemerges even bigger. Unfortunately, the filmmakers couldn’t find much humour in these scenes and instead has characters get into impossible situations and fight and yell at each other. That never stops being annoying. Spiders could have been so much fun, if only it hadn’t tried to be so serious. For a wonderful killer spider movie, try Frank Marshall’s Arachnophobia, a movie that didn’t need to make it’s spiders gigantic for them to be scary. And it knew when to lighten up.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Arachnophobia: A
August 4
Movie: The Virgin Suicides (2000)
Cast: James Woods, Kathleen Turner, Kirsten Dunst, Josh Hartnett, Michael Pare, Scott Glenn, Danny DeVito, voice of Giovanni Ribisi
Thoughts: Dead serious drama about the five daughters of an extremely protective couple (Woods and Turner). Their actions are understandable, to an extent, after their youngest daughter successfully commits suicide on her second try. Then their second youngest (Dunst) doesn’t return from the prom until the morning after. The girls are taken out of school and locked inside their house. Lots of gossiping between the neighbours, attempts at coverage from the local news and everyone’s insatiable curiousity all seem over the top while, at the same time, seeming perfectly natural. First time writer/director Sofia Coppola adds some comic touches, but very subtle ones so as not to detract from the subject matter. Good work from everyone, but the slowness might get to some viewers. Even at a scant 97 minutes, the movie comes close to wearing out its welcome.
Grade: B
Movie: Python (2000)
Cast: Dana Barron, Robert Englund, Wil Wheaton, Keith Coogan, Casper Van Dien, Jenny McCarthy, Ed Lauter
Thoughts: Rare straight to video horror movie with the sense enough to include recognizable B-list actors and involve them in the comic scenes. McCarthy has a small role, as a trampy divorcee who is shamelessly flirting with a real estate agent, the two of them unaware of what is lurking in the garage. The plot has Englund shipping a huge snake by air, the python escapes from it’s confines, kills everyone on board, survives the plane crash and goes on a rampage in the nearby small town of Ruby. Van Dien is the guy in charge of stopping the snake, and a more humourless man there has never been. Wheaton has purple hair and sells real estate under the agent mentioned earlier. The rest of the cast is pretty mundane, which is a good thing - you don’t want to get attached to anyone. The snake effects are okay, except for the scenes where it attacks on screen. It’s dumb, but it’s the fun kind of dumb. Don’t confuse it with the similar but more enjoyable Anaconda, Python has fewer aspirations.
Grade: B-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Anaconda: B+
Movie: Dinosaur (2000)
Cast: voices of D.B. Sweeney, Alfre Woodard, Della Reese, Julianna Marguiles, Ossie Davis, Max Casella
Thoughts: Aside from the stellar animation, Dinosaur doesn’t have much going for it. The plot is simply a trip from point A to point B, and the characters are all stock clichés. There’s the outsider, a dinosaur raised by monkeys (or lemurs, or whatever they were), there’s the strong and independent mother, a monkey (or whatever) who takes in a dinosaur because it’s helpless, even though it could mean certain death for everyone she knows. Then there’s the kid who is always yearning for adventure (you know, the one you wanna smack) and the grandfather figure who’s a grump but is constantly melting at the slightest provocation. And of course there’s a love story and dead or absentee parents (both are a must in movies for little kids). Oh, and the nerd that nobody likes who finds love in the end for no apparent reason. I didn’t realize it until near the end, but the screenplay is vegetarian - all the meat eaters are inherently evil and every single good guy is an herbivore. All that said, it has a brisk pace and the animation is among the best I’ve seen (I’m certain, though, that some, if not all, scenes used live action footage as backgrounds). Nothing objectionable, really, but there’s little to recommend it.
Grade: C+
August 3
Movie: The Art of War (2000)
Cast: Wesley Snipes, Marie Matiko, Anne Archer, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Maury Chaykin, Donald Sutherland, Michael Biehn, James Hong
Thoughts: Surprisingly entertaining action junk. Snipes is better than usual, Archer gets a rare significant role in a theatrical release and the action scenes are frequent and mostly good. The plot concerns trade relations with China, some people want it and some people really, really don’t want it. Snipes plays a super spy who does a lot of running and shooting and kicking and fighting, Archer and Sutherland are the UN people (their titles are not memorable). The movie opens with a roof top blackmail scam, and contains a lot of red herrings, double crosses and explosions - typical big budget action movie stuff, even though The Art of War didn’t have a big budget. It’s empty, but it’s fun.
Grade: B-
Movie: Loser (2000)
Cast: Jason Biggs, Mena Suvari, Greg Kinnear, Dan Aykroyd, Colleen Camp, Andy Dick, Andrea Martin, Steven Wright
Thoughts: The second time I’ve been pleasantly surprised today. Biggs and Suvari, last seen together in the overrated American Pie, make a winning couple, Biggs is possibly the most charming of this new crop of young actors (Freddie Prinze Jr. might have that title, if he didn’t constantly fall back on his cheap slanted grin). The plot has small town boy Biggs getting accepted for a full scholarship to a big city university. The opening title montage is mostly Biggs falling down and knocking things over, which was not promising. Fortunately writer/director Amy Heckerling knows how to speak the language of today’s young people, she doesn’t have every male character either an obnoxious jock or else a meek nerd, and every female character either a ditzy slut or a drab tomboy. The two stars play actual people that you wouldn’t be surprised to meet in real life. Kinnear is great as a sleazy teacher who doesn’t know how to react when someone isn’t as pretentious and cynical as he is. It doesn’t surprise me that standard teen comedies like She’s All That make more money than this, though why critics were so hard on it is a mystery. Enjoyable, if predictable.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: American Pie: C-; She’s All That: C+
August 2
Movie: The Kid (2000)
Cast: Bruce Willis, Spencer Breslin, Emily Mortimer, Lily Tomlin, Chi McBride, Jean Smart, Daniel Von Bargen, Dana Ivey, Larry King, Nick Chinlund, Jeri Ryan
Thoughts: Dumb, manipulative and lamely plotted, The Kid follows the adventures of Willis at 40 years old with his 8 year old counterpart, Breslin. I’m not opposed to the plot, I knew what the movie was about and I decided before watching it that I would let it slide. The early scenes has Willis doing cold and cruel things like paying for a woman’s airport magazine stand purchase and helping a news anchor (Smart) look like a professional. Ooo, I hate him already. Then we’re introduced to his father (Von Bargen, who is better at comedy), they seem at odds for reasons you know will be brought up later in a tear jerking scene, no doubt involving the fact that Willis’ mother doesn’t seem to be around anymore. Tomlin has more scenes than her character deserves, but she’s the only one worth listening to in the movie, so you don’t mind. Breslin first appears in a scene that is clearly set up to look like Willis is hallucinating, but then everyone else sees him too. Even given the story, the absurdity is overwhelming, from Breslin proposing to Mortimer, to the travel back in time at the end. The score, by the usually reliable Marc Shaiman, sounds like a James Horner reject, and it only makes the attempts at heart string tugging more obvious than they already were. All that said, The Kid has respectable, if unrealistic, intentions about how it’s important to be yourself. It’s G rated, so the lack of innuendo is refreshing, and Tomlin is great, overall it’s inoffensive piffle. Good for kids, mediocre otherwise.
Grade: C+
August 1
Movie: Me Myself I (2000)
Cast: Rachel Griffiths, David Roberts, Sandy Winton
Thoughts: The title rings of the Jim Carrey vehicle My, Myself & Irene, while the plot sounds like equal parts Passion of Mind, with Demi Moore, and The Family Man, with Nicolas Cage. But all of those movies were made after this one. Griffiths stars as a depressed single woman who suddenly finds herself in the presence of her exact double. That woman disappears and Griffiths is left to take over her life, which consists of a husband and three kids. It’s a fantasy that plays on the idea that every single person wants to be married with children while every married with children person wants to be single with no responsibilities. Griffiths is great in both roles, she takes over the family with wide eyed shock while never appearing to know exactly what she’s doing. The movie avoids most of the easy jokes about such a situation and has lots of clever bits. A rare movie that’s made for adults who prefer intelligence over a lot of the R rated movies out there.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Me, Myself & Irene: B+; Passion of Mind: C+
Movie: Autumn in New York (2000)
Cast: Richard Gere, Winona Ryder, Elaine Stritch, Anthony LaPaglia, Mary Beth Hurt, Jill Hennessy, Sherry Stringfield
Thoughts: Not as bad as I thought it would be, but my expectations were extremely low. Joan Chen makes her astonishingly generic directorial debut, given her unusual acting choices, with this love and death story. Gere plays a 48 year old womanizer who falls for Ryder, a 22 year old with a terminal illness. The ages aren’t the only unbelievable thing in the movie (when the movie was released, Gere was 51 and Ryder was 28). The movie is set up like a romantic comedy, with a cute meeting scene, a disclosure scene, a fight, a break up, a make up, a love for all time. Yawn. Ryder is wonderful, though, so the time passes quickly, at least until about 25 minutes in when she reveals that she doesn’t have much time left. Gere is as smarmy as he always is, but Stritch is on hand to make the slowly unfolding story more interesting. If you can’t predict what’s going to happen in the next ten minutes at any point during the movie, then you haven’t been paying attention.
Grade: C-
Movies seen but not mentioned below: American Pimp (2000) - B+; Visit to a Small Planet (1960) - D-
July 31
Movie: Once Upon a Time in China (1991)
Cast: Jet Li
Thoughts: Epic in scope, but otherwise unimpressive. Li plays the most respected Martial Arts Master in a Chinese port city right around the time the British (or as they’re more often referred to in the film, foreign devils) introduced guns to the East. Political corruption, intercontinental prostitution and lots of fighting make for an interesting, though often had to follow plot. Li is great, but everyone else over acts, and some of the fighting is badly edited and sloppily choreographed. The fact that this is the first part of, quite possibly, the most acclaimed martial arts trilogy ever lead me to believe that the subsequent installments are much better.
Grade: B
Movie: Battlefield Earth (2000)
Cast: Barry Pepper, John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Kim Coates, Kelly Preston
Thoughts: It would have been better if it had been the Scientology recruitment film everyone feared it would be. Incompetently directed, amateurishly acted and written by people who have never heard dialogue before, Battlefield Earth deserves every bit of scorn and derision that’s been heaped upon it since it was released last summer. An appalling number of scenes of Pepper running in slow motion, way too many scenes of people dying as someone else yells “Noooo!” and far too many scenes of Travolta laughing at nothing. The effects are bargain basement straight to video blue screen quality, the makeup used to make Travolta, Whitaker and the other alien baddies look evil only make them look like blue tinged, decaying reggae singers. After the first few minutes, you might feel bad for everyone involved, but that will soon pass and you’ll start wishing your VCR would suddenly explode. The Golden Raspberry Awards, which salutes the worst movies of the year, should have created special new categories so, instead of tying 1995’s Showgirls, Battlefield Earth would have won so many that no movie would ever be in danger of coming close to the record. It’s not even worth the effort to mock it, which was the only reason I wanted to see it.
Grade: F
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Showgirls: C-
July 29
Movie: The Phantom of the Megaplex (2000)
Cast: Taylor Handley, Mickey Rooney
Thoughts: Dumb kiddie thriller set at a small town movie theater. Based on the 1925 silent version of The Phantom of the Opera, which is heavily referenced at the beginning, Megaplex has all manner of disasters afflicting a theater hours before the big premiere of a really dumb sounding movie called Midnight Mayhem. Everything is absently blamed on the legend of the Phantom of the Megaplex, a guy who was allegedly still in the original theater when it was imploded to make room for this multi-screen monstrosity. A couple of meddling kids discover that the Phantom is real and it’s up to them to stop him before all the important celebrities show up (Katey Sagal and LeVar Burton are both mentioned but not seen). The outcome is pretty predictable, but nothing too annoying happens. Handley, as the theater’s assistant manager, is good, and Rooney hams it up as the slightly senile owner of the imploded theater who refuses to leave. Fun for kids and not excruciating for the grownups who have to sit through it with them.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Phantom of the Opera: B
Movie: Night Gallery (1969)
Cast: Ossie Davis, Roddy MacDowell, Joan Crawford, Tom Bosley, Rod Serling
Thoughts: Melodramatic trilogy of horror stories with Serling doing the introductions. The first entry has greedy nephew MacDowell impatiently awaiting the death of his ill uncle while his uncle’s loyal servant (Davis) looks on. The second, Steven Spielberg’s first professional directing gig, has blind woman Crawford paying Bosley $9,000 for his eyesight. The final story has a nazi war criminal, hiding out in South America, being discovered by an Auschwitz survivor. The fact that Serling generates the most chills is telling. The ending of each is obvious early on - anyone who has ever done anything bad will either meet a terrible demise or else suffer for all eternity. Worth seeing for the debut of Spielberg, and for Serling’s masterful, but overwrought, storytelling.
Grade: B-
July 28
Movie: B. Monkey (1999)
Cast: Asia Argento, Jared Harris, Rupert Everett, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Ian Hart
Thoughts: This is yet another one of those movies where a criminal tries to go straight but is pulled back into the life they try not to love so much. The criminal is B. Monkey (Argento), the B is for Beatrice and Monkey is a nickname she got because she can get in anywhere. Harris plays a teacher/hospital DJ who falls for Beatrice, Everett is ... well, I don’t know who he was supposed to be, but he was naked in bed with both Harris and Argento at different times, and he seemed to owe some mean people lots of money. The great Rhys Meyers is the helpless youngster who is incapable of channeling his anger and understanding his feelings. There’s a lot of standard love story stuff, and even more standard crime story stuff, but the cast is interesting because you don’t usually see most of them in major roles. I went into this movie without a clue as to what it was about, just that Everett was in it. Not much original is going on, but the actors are all experienced enough to make it seem that way while you’re watching.
Grade: B
Movie: The St. Francisville Experiment (2000)
Cast: Paul Salamoff, Paul Palmer, Madison Charap, Ryan Larson, Tim Thompson
Thoughts: Unlike other Blair Witch Project rip-offs, this one was made by people who knew what they were doing. It’s not a spoof, it’s more like an otherwise unrelated sequel. There’s a huge mansion that is rumoured to be haunted by the victims of a brutal killer and/or the killer herself. It starts off with a self proclaimed filmmaker (Salamoff) describing what he wants to do with this “documentary” he’s going to film. He has four young men and women, one fellow filmmaker (Thompson), a jock (Palmer), a psychic (Charap) and a ditzy blonde historian (Larson) who shrieks every three minutes once they get in the house. Off the five of them go, into the house for the night, to explore and investigate. It’s slow going at first, of course, to create tension. There’s an annoying scene where the resident comic relief hides and then jumps out at the ditzy blonde, scaring the bejeezus out of her. And later, a cat jumps out of a cabinet at the camera, which, for any future filmmakers reading this, is the single most stupid thing a horror movie can contain. Aside from that, there are some great scares. The actors, especially Charap and especially when they have to start being scared, aren’t very good, but the same can be said for the Blair Witch cast. If it had come before that movie, it would have been much more impressive.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Blair Witch Project: A-
July 27
Movie: Planet of the Apes (2001)
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Clarke Duncan, Estella Warren, Paul Giamatti, Kris Kristofferson, David Warner, Lisa Marie, Glenn Shadix, Charlton Heston
Thoughts: Monkeybone had more in common with what is considered to be a “Tim Burton movie” than Planet of the Apes does. Burton is far and away my favourite filmmaker and I always eagerly anticipate his upcoming projects. But there isn’t much even he can do with this classic story about an astronaut who crash lands on a world ruled by apes where humans run wild or are captured and used as pets or test subjects. It gets off to an okay start, in a space station, then has an incredible crash landing scene. Wahlberg is quickly captured by the apes and taken back to their village where he learns the ways of this backwards place. Roth is the ruthless chimpanzee general, Carter is the sympathetic chimpanzee who fights for human rights, Duncan is typecast as a gorilla and Warren is the blonde starlet who doesn’t have many lines but sure is pretty to look at. Giamatti is the orangutan scientist who has a wonderful line early on when some apes are choosing a human pet - “Be sure to get rid of it before puberty. If there’s one thing you don’t want in your house, it’s a human teenager.” Back to the Burton effect. I don’t know what I was hoping for, influence wise, but I certainly didn’t get it. If Burton had used any of his trademark methods, he would have pissed off fans of the Apes franchise and ruined chances of a sequel (if this movie doesn’t have at least one sequel, I’ll pull all my hair out). If he didn’t use any of his trademark methods (which he didn’t) then he’d annoy his fans, like me. But I’m going to be an adult about it and understand why he did what he did. Burton’s go-to composer, Danny Elfman, is present, and Marie and Shadix are two Burton regulars (not that you’ll recognize them, as a trampy chimp and an aged orangutan), so you know Burton had his hands on the project. Aside from that, this movie could have been directed by just about anyone. That said, it’s a very cool movie. I liked it even more than the 1968 original (sacrilege, I know), and, I’ll probably be alone in this but, I think this movie’s ending was much better.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Monkeybone: C; Planet of the Apes (1968) - B+
July 26
Movie: The Haunting of Morella (1991)
Cast: Nicole Eggert, David McCallum, Christopher Halsted
Thoughts: This Roger Corman production actually managed to pull in about $1.5 million in theaters before going to video, which is where every Corman production since has premiered. Eggert plays Morella, a woman accused and convicted of witchcraft (yes, it’s an erotic period piece) who hastily puts on curse on her newborn daughter Lenora, who grows up to look exactly like her. Seventeen years later, the curse is in effect and the remains of Morella have the blood of a serving wench dumped on them. Apparently, this is how you resurrect witches. Anyway, there is much toplessness and ass baring on the part of the women (most notably Eggert’s body double) while the men are always carefully covered by clothes and blankets. When Morella’s rotted corpse haunts Lenora (wouldn’t a better title have been The Haunting of Lenora?) the make up looks good, but every other effect, including a completely gratuitous explosion at the end, looks pretty lame. Lots of screaming, stupid people entering crypts when they hear strange noises and lousy dialogue help to make this one of Corman’s worst productions.
Grade: D+
Movie: Small Time Crooks (2000)
Cast: Woody Allen, Tracey Ullman, Hugh Grant, Elaine May, Jon Lovitz, Michael Rapaport, Elaine Stritch, Steve Kroft
Thoughts: Fun is what has been lacking in every film Woody Allen has made since 1993’s Manhattan Murder Mystery. They’ve all been good, I think, but they’ve been ruled by an element of seriousness that not even Sweet & Lowdown could over come. Crooks is a lot of fun, Allen’s most fun movie, in fact, since 1985’s The Purple Rose of Cairo, my personal favourite of his. Allen and Ullman play characters obviously based on Ralph and Alice Kramden, embarking on another one of Ralph’s zany get rich quick schemes. They buy a store front a few doors down from a bank, set up a cookie store as a front and set about tunneling to the vault. They fail miserably, but the cookie shop takes off and becomes famous. They expand and eventually millionaires. Grant then joins the cast as a private art dealer who agrees to teach Ullman how to behave like she belongs in high society. It’s a goofy, complicated plot that moves along briskly with a lot of great scenes and characters. It’s a little classier and cleverer than slapstick, but it just looks like everyone enjoyed making it, and I really enjoyed watching it.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Manhattan Murder Mystery: B+; Sweet & Lowdown: B+; The Purple Rose of Cairo: A-
July 25
Movie: Gulliver’s Travels (1996)
Cast: Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen, Peter O’Toole, Kate Maberly, Alfre Woodard, Ned Beatty, Warwick Davis, Karyn Parsons, John Gielgud, Omar Sharif, Kristin Scott Thomas, voice of Isabelle Huppert
Thoughts: Slightly edited three hour version of the acclaimed 1996 TV mini-series. Danson plays Jonathan Swift’s famous character, who journeys to strange lands and, upon his return to England, is quickly imprisoned in an insane asylum where he relays his adventures to the captive (in more ways than one) audience of inmates. Try to ignore the fact that the story does little but repeatedly state the opinion that humans are the most evil and worthless beings on Earth, especially compared to horses. The effects are good, typical mid-to-late-90’s stuff, and the cast is terrific. It’s a shame that so many of them, especially Gielgud, are relegated to such small roles. O’Toole and Woodard, two of my favourite actors, have lots to do though, so that makes up for it. Danson and Steenburgen are great in the leads, making you actually care about what happens to them. Good writing and, aside from scolding us miserable humans, an interesting story keep this one entertaining throughout.
Grade: B+
July 24
Movie: The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps (2000)
Cast: Eddie Murphy, Janet Jackson, Larry Miller, Richard Gant, Anna Marie Horsford, Earl Boen, Nikki Cox, Chris Elliot, Ted Levine
Thoughts: Despite some obvious effects, lots of sexual and other low brow humour, I liked this Nutty even more than the 1996 original. Buddy Love (Murphy) is chemically extracted from Sherman Klump’s (Murphy) brain and returned to flesh thanks to a hair from a dog. If you believe that, you won’t have any trouble accepting that a youth serum, when combined with detergent, will cause a hamster to grow big enough to rape Miller. The serum is consumed by Sherman’s father and, unlike the early scene of it wearing off on a dog after a few seconds, it seems to last for hours. Lots of leaps in logic and doubtful chemistry will have some people getting more and more annoyed, but if you’re able to let it go, you’ll probably enjoy the movie. Murphy is great again as most of the Klump family, Jackson doesn’t have much to do but she does it well, and Miller hams it up as a boo-hiss villain. It’s easy to forget that the Klumps aren’t individual people, thanks in part to seamless editing, but mostly due to Murphy himself. This is at least the fifth time he’s played multiple characters in a movie, and you get the impression he wouldn’t have too much trouble taking over everyone else’s role too. Very enjoyable and very funny, if you can, see it in a group.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Nutty Professor (1996) - B
July 23
Movie: Godzilla 2000 (2000)
Cast: Godzilla, a bunch of panicky Japanese people
Thoughts: It’s clear the filmmakers learned something from the American Godzilla. In Godzilla 2000, there are actual close-ups of Godzilla, shots where all you can see is his face, or his eye. The other movies in the series that I’ve seen rely solely on distant full body shots of Godzilla trampling a balsa wood Tokyo. There are still those shots, of course, or else fans of the movies would have raised a stink. Godzilla still looks like a guy in a rubber suit (and, at times, a really bad digital effect), and he still moves around clumsily. Nothing else new, save for the villain. It starts out as a big rock, then turns into a big spaceship, then a big squid, then a big lizard, and finally it tries to turn itself into a Godzilla clone. Pretty lame. I give Godzilla 2000 the same grade I’ve given most Godzilla movies I’ve seen, partly because I don’t want to waste time coming up with a different grade if the filmmakers aren’t going to come up with a different movie.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Godzilla (1998) - B-
Movie: Rabid (1977)
Cast: Marilyn Chambers
Thoughts: Early David Cronenberg effort has porn star Chambers getting into a major motorcycle accident near a plastic surgery clinic. Somehow she ends up with a puckered wound under her arm that has a little probe that shoots out of it, punctures whoever is unlucky enough to be close by and sucks their blood. The bite victims soon display symptoms of rabies, bite someone else, fall into comas and then die. The movie is set, mostly, in Montreal, where the disease quickly spreads causing martial law to be declared. Rabid, also available under the title Rage, seems to want to be funny, which is typical of Cronenberg, but there’s too much effort. Chambers is fine, but the material is just silly, the wound is never really explained, which, if you’ll pardon the expression, is a gaping plot hole. Still, it’s not boring and it has some imagination behind it. It’s not as unpleasant as I thought it might be, the gore is kept to a relative minimum, and, aside from a few gratuitous topless scenes, Chambers manages to keep her clothes on. It would make a good double feature with Cronenberg’s similar 1975 film Shivers.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Shivers: B-
July 22
Movie: The Adventures of Milo & Otis (1989)
Cast: Animals, voice of Dudley Moore
Thoughts: Kiddy adventure flick starring an orange tabby and a pug, Moore does the narration. I caught this on TV on a lark, because I didn’t have anything to do just then. I remember when it was in theaters David Letterman did a joke about it - stage manager Biff Henderson accidentally took Dave’s mom Dorothy to see Milo Does Otis, an alleged gay porno, after misunderstanding some instructions. This is the definition of “family film,” in that there is little to no violence (there is a fight between the pug and a bear) and the occasional scary bits (scary for little kids that is) are resolved very quickly. I’m 25 and I watched it alone, and I don’t mind saying that I really liked it.
Grade: B+
July 21
Movie: Dolly Dearest (1992)
Cast: Denise Crosby, Sam Bottoms, Candy Hutson, Rip Torn, Chris Demetral, Lupe Ontiveros
Thoughts: Dumb killer doll thriller that tries to be a female Child’s Play but never comes close. Bottoms moves his family from Los Angeles to Mexico where he plans to manufacture dolls in a run down little factory. There’s an Aztec burial site nearby and the spirit of a half-infant-half-goat has escaped and made a home in each and every doll in the factory. Seven year old Hutson takes one of the dolls home and soon becomes somewhat possessed by it. The doll gets up and walks around very early, but doesn’t do anything for a long time. The explanation given to worried mother Crosby by archeologist Torn is absurd, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt. The movie wanders around aimlessly for quite some time, going to a crypt, a convent and ending up with a big explosion. Very little imagination went into this movie, and it doesn’t seem like anyone had very much fun making it. The dolls resemble little girls too closely, so that even when their faces twist with rage they aren’t scary at all. An okay setup and mediocre follow through keeps the movie from being the guilty pleasure it should have been.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Child’s Play: B
Movie: Pit and the Pendulum (1961)
Cast: Vincent Price, John Kerr, Luana Anders, Antony Carbone, Barbara Steele
Thoughts: I’ve never read the Edgar Allan Poe story this is supposed to be based on, but I’m pretty sure director Roger Corman took more than a few liberties with it. Price stars as a man whose wife (Steele) has recently died, Kerr is the woman’s brother who comes to find out exactly what happened. It’s revealed that she died of fright when she visited the basement, which contains of all manner of torture chamber paraphernalia. I can’t really describe the plot any further without ruining a surprisingly frightening image that kind of freaked me out. Price is his usual demented self, protraying yet another descent into madness. Kerr seems stiff at first, but it suits the character and he lightens up when he has to. The movie has a satisfying conclusion, unlike many of Corman’s Poe adaptations, and it is, overall, a chilling, if not entirely accurate, telling of the story.
Grade: B+
July 20
Movie: Jurassic Park 3 (2001)
Cast: Sam Neill, Tea Leoni, William H. Macy, Alessandro Nivola, Trevor Morgan, Michael Jeter, Laura Dern
Thoughts: The first time you see dinosaurs in 1993’s Jurassic Park, it’s a brontosaurus eating leaves. It was quite a sight, the most realistic looking dinosaur seen in a movie to that date, and it was clearly in the same scene as the human actors. In 1997’s The Lost World: Jurassic Park, the first dinosaurs you see are a group of tiny little creatures jumping around and climbing all over a terrified little girl. It wasn’t as impressive, but it was a stunning scene nonetheless. In Jurassic Park 3, the first time you see dinosaurs they’re scurrying about underneath an airplane that the camera is above looking down upon. They look like startled rats. Directed by Joe Johnston (October Sky), 3 doesn’t reach the level the two previous films in the series, both directed by Steven Spielberg, and I don’t think it’s trying to. Johnston is wise enough to give the audience what they want, and not to screw around with anticipatory thrills which, by this entry, would seem like delay tactics and not the masterful thrill making of the other Jurassics. The first attack is early, sudden and vicious, and nearly dooms every character in the movie. The subsequent attacks are numerous, but they’re set up as individual set pieces, as though they weren’t really connected. The characters are introduced very quickly, and that, while usually preferable in action movies to the long drawn out characterizations of other genres, ultimately hurts more than it helps. Still, the pacing is refreshing and the dinosaurs looking incredible, very fleshy and realistic, more so than before. It’s great fun, and, judging by the number of kids in the theater with me, appropriate for families.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Jurassic Park: A; The Lost World: Jurassic Park: A-; October Sky: B+
July 19
Movie: Picking Up the Pieces (2000)
Cast: Woody Allen, David Schwimmer, Maria Grazia Cucinotta, Cheech Marin, Kiefer Sutherland, Alfonso Arau, Andy Dick, Fran Drescher, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Elliot Gould, Eddie Griffin, Lupe Ontiveros, Lou Diamond Phillips, Kathy Kinney, Tony Plana, Sharon Stone
Thoughts: Very odd, straight to video, star studded comedy. Allen plays Tex, a magician who kills and cuts up his unfaithful assistant/wife (Stone). On his way to bury the evidence, he loses her hand, which is found by a blind woman (Ontiveros) who mysteriously regains her sight. The hand is declared miraculous when it is brought back to the woman’s town, El Nino, New Mexico, and starts healing everyone’s deformities and granting wishes. Schwimmer is the priest in whose church the hand finds a home, Cucinotta is his prostitute wife, Marin is the town’s mayor and Sutherland is the Texas Ranger hunting Tex. There are lots of low brow gags (one guy wishes for a bigger penis, a woman wants huge breasts - and there is actual footage of both), but director Arau (who won worldwide acclaim for 1992’s Like Water for Chocolate) keeps things moving briskly and it’s never boring. It’ll never be confused for classic comedy, but the eclectic cast makes this one a must see, although not a must-like.
Grade: B-
July 18
Movie: Chuck & Buck (2000)
Cast: Mike White, Chris Weitz, Lupe Ontiveros, Beth Colt, Paul Weitz, Maya Rudolph, Paul Sand
Thoughts: I remember reading somewhere that Chuck & Buck played at the Sundance Film Festival and people walked out on it, apparently either horribly offended or irritated. It was released into theaters about a year ago and most critics liked it, some even loved it, and, considering it was an art house release, it did pretty well at the box office. I was intrigued. What could make pretentious festival idiots angry that would please critics and art house patrons? Unfortunately, watching the movie doesn’t help much. Chuck (Weitz) is a hunky record producer in L.A., Buck (White) is a manchild whose mother just died and who doesn’t know what else to do with his life. They were best friends as children, so Buck decides to rekindle that relationship. He moves to L.A. and is confused when he sees that Chuck has grown up, lives in an “old peopley” house and has a fiancée (Colt). Chuck, who now goes by Charlie, wants to be nice, but Buck is a little disturbed and thinks that things will pick up exactly where they left off years ago. Buck becomes increasingly creepy and devoted to his cause, and even stages a play based on their childhood. White’s performance is nearly chilling, the fact that Buck comes off as mildly retarded keeps it benign, but you get the impression that it won’t take much to send him over the edge. Whatever it was that caused the festival exodus, it didn’t affect me. Chuck & Buck is an often funny, often touching and occasionally frightening little movie.
Grade: B+
July 17
Movie: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
Cast: Animated, voices of Ming-Na, Alec Baldwin, Steve Buscemi, Peri Gilpin, Ving Rhames, Donald Sutherland, James Woods
Thoughts: After seeing Final Fantasy, I’m not surprised it didn’t do as well as expected over the weekend. It’s adult, but not in the same way animé movies are, so most kids will be bored, and the fact that it’s animated will turn off many people outside of the 15-24 age range, while those inside will be intrigued by the video game basis. Animated dramas, even one as wonderful to look at as this, just aren’t going to be hugely successful. Take a look at the cinemascore rating, women hated this movie. It got a C+ average overall, but the average rating from females was probably closer to a D. But I’m a guy, I’m just outside the target age group and I’ve played Final Fantasy video games. It has an intriguing look, although the mostly unexpressive eyes annoyed me. The screenplay is full of standard action movie clichés, but nothing terribly irritating, save for Buscemi as the unfunny comic relief. Aside from the eyes, the characters look pretty realistic (if you really want realism, there are tons of live action movies to choose from, so I don’t why animators are obsessed with creating human looking beings). The plot has Earth’s population being nearly wiped out by aliens that emerged from a crashed meteor. The survivors live in space stations or else in enclosures that the aliens can’t get through on Earth. There’s a big space cannon that Woods believes will kill all the aliens, but Sutherland has a less destructive plan. It’s still Republicans vs. Democrats, even after the vast majority of all known life has been destroyed. It gets very spiritual near the end (no surprise, look at the title) which hurts the movie, but it’s a fun ride until then and worth seeing.
Grade: B
July 16
Movie: The Doorway (2000)
Cast: Suzanne Bridgham, Don Maloney, Christian Harmony, Lauren Woodland, Roy Scheider, Teresa de Priest
Thoughts: This movie has something that the two movies I watched yesterday didn’t have - a sense of humour. Unfortunately, that humour only makes brief cameo appearances, the rest of the time the movie tries to take itself seriously. The movie has four college students moving into a big scary looking house to fix it up in exchange for $10,000 - shades of William Castle’s 1958 film House on Haunted Hill, in which a group of people agreed to stay in a big scary looking house (without needing to fix it up) in exchange for $10,000. So they’re there for one day and the upstairs of the house has made amazing progress, especially the bathroom, which has a brand new tub, shiny blue tiles and is absolutely spotless. The dark haired girl takes a shower, flashes the camera for no reason and notices a severed hand caressing her neck. She screams, everyone runs in, but the hand is gone. It’s typical here one minute, gone the next horror movie stuff. They come to the conclusion that it was a hallucination caused either by the hot water heater or else the fuse box. The two guys go down to the cellar and separate, one tends to the fuses, the other is accosted by a female ghost/demon which disappears as soon as second person is in place to see it. Then there’s maggots bursting out of a drawer in the kitchen, which grosses everyone out and causes the two girls and one of the guys to jump up on chairs. Then the female ghost/demon reappears and everyone runs out of the house and goes to get Scheider, who gets above the title billing but only appears for about a third of the movie. Even if Roger Corman’s name didn’t appear in the opening credits, one would probably come to the conclusion that he had something to do with the proceedings. It’s reasonably well made, and the young actors are serviceable, especially the peacefully named Christian Harmony, but the story and screenplay has all been done before. Nothing new, except that after the first guy is killed in a prologue, it’s over an hour before the second victim is claimed. There’s enough humour to make me wonder why the filmmaker’s didn’t go all out and make something like other Corman productions, like the recent remake of A Bucket of Blood, which didn’t try to be serious for a second. Weak, but not without it’s charms.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: House on Haunted Hill: B-; A Bucket of Blood: B+
July 15
Movie: Crocodile (2000)
Cast: Mark McLauchlin, Caitlin Martin, Chris Solari, Sommer Knight, Harrison Young
Thoughts: This is the eighth of Tobe Hooper’s eleven feature films that I’ve seen, and it’s his worst. I’m probably the only person who thinks that the first Texas ChainSaw Massacre was worse than each of it’s sequels, and that it’s his only movie to approach the awfulness that this movie achieves. Looking over a list of his movies, I see that I only like one of them, 1982’s Poltergeist, which is widely rumoured to have been at least partially directed by it’s producer, Steven Spielberg. The more Hooper movies I see, the more likely that theory sounds. Looking closer, this isn’t even the first giant-crocodile-killing-people movie he’s done - Eaten Alive was released in 1976. I haven’t seen that one, so for all I know this movie is a remake of the earlier work (remaking your own movie isn’t unheard of, Hitchcock did it). But that movie has a cult following, and a cult following requires more than the plot in this movie delivers. A group of eight stupid teenagers (three couples and two irritating comic relief guys, they needed two because one is killed early and you can’t have a stupid monster movie without witless zingers) buy loads of beer and get on a big cube/boat where they’re gradually eaten one by one. Instead of going boy-girl-boy-girl, this crocodile goes boy-boy-girl-girl, I guess that qualifies as originality in this genre. There’s lots of yelling and fighting when the “terror” starts, which makes it real easy for the gang of stupid teenagers to separate when they’re being chased. There’s even one of those scenes where a character everybody hates is killed, but someone still yells “NO!” which is the closest thing to concern this movie ever gets. There’s even a fluffy white dog that I wrote off as soon as I saw, but it manages to survive to the end credits. Don’t mistake that for anything other than the tease that it is. I chose to ignore the fact that the crocodile was, at different times, an obvious digital effect or else a big clumsy rubber junk pile, but the movie was still lousy.
Grade: D-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Texas ChainSaw Massacre: D-; Poltergeist: B+
Movie: Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy (2000)
Cast: Jeff Peterson, Trent Latta, Ariauna Albright, Russell Richardson, Michelle Erickson, Brenda Blondell, Michael Lutz, Christopher Cullen
Thoughts: 85 minutes into this movie, the mummy finally gets around to screaming. He only does it once and it isn’t terribly exciting or, as I thought it would be, destructive. Makes for a cool title though. Unlike the other movie I watched today, which will remain nameless, the characters aren’t exclusively annoying. The mummy alters the kill order by going girl-girl-boy-boy, which was odd because there are only three women in the entire movie and to kill two of them first kind of limits how the thing will turn out. Of course you know the well intentioned cute guy is going to last, and, even though they’re not a couple, the only girl left is the bespectacled redhead. Instead of having the mummy mysteriously come to life and start killing people for no reason, the movie has one of the students being a descendant of Aztecs (the mummy was found in Mexico) and he raises the thing by waving his hand above it, as though he was checking to see if it was too hot to pick up. There’s nothing terribly original going on, and aside from the fact that Peterson and Albright are engaging, the cast isn’t very memorable. Plus, just as in that other movie I watched today, a character refers to sex as “making the beast with two backs.” It wasn’t funny then, and it isn’t funny now. A mediocre screenplay and silly fight scenes (Peterson is the only one who bothers to defend himself) kill any forward motion the movie might have had.
Grade: C-
July 14
Movie: Akira (1989)
Cast: Animated
Thoughts: Overly ambitious but otherwise entertaining animé. The movie starts in 1988 when most of Tokyo is destroyed by an explosion, fast forward to 2019 and everything has been rebuilt but the unemployment rate is high and the jobless are constantly rioting. The police and the military have joined forces to capture a punk kid with a severe form of telekinesis. Very little is explained at the beginning, you have to patient as the movie lets you into it’s confidence gradually, as casual comments reveal vital plot information. Like most animé, it has excessive violence and lots of gore, but no nudity, which was a pleasant surprise. Despite the fact that the finale goes on far too long, Akira earns it’s reputation and is an enjoyable movie. This was the subtitled version, see that if you have a choice.
Grade: B
July 13
Movie: Night of the Demons 3 (1997)
Cast: Not worth mentioning
Thoughts: Brain dead sequel to a crappy sequel to a lousy, predictable and clichéd slasher movie. The “actors” are different, but they’re all awful actors, keeping up with the series’ tradition, the reason for them to be in the possessed house are different, but everything else is the same. They’re irritating, unthinking and picked off one by one in order of boy-girl-boy-girl. It’s pretty easy to figure out who the survivors will be (it’s the boy and girl who just met and instantly fell in love, even though they hated each other at first) and it’s hard to patiently wait for the movie to come to the same conclusion. It wasn’t even 15 minutes in, when two of the female characters stood around naked, talking about how attractive one of them was, before I started begging for it to end.
Grade: F
Movie: The Score (2001)
Cast: Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton, Marlon Brando, Angela Bassett, Gary Farmer
Thoughts: I spent the earlier part of this Friday the 13th watching the movie above, which nearly put me off movies all together. Knowing I needed to fix this problem, I checked the show times for my local theater and was delighted to see that The Score was playing. “DeNiro! Norton! Bassett! Brando!” The advertising guaranteed a good movie. Add to that the fact that I love caper movies, Brando is one of my favourite actors and the movie’s start time meant that if I left immediately, I’d be just in time. So off I went. It was very hot, and I found out that I misread the start time and arrived twenty minutes early and had to sit through the inane Famous Players trivia (which incorrectly stated that Reese Witherspoon “made her film debut in Milos Forman’s Man on the Moon” - it was Robert Mulligan’s The Man in the Moon, 8 years before Forman’s film). This wasn’t going well. After a few commercials and a few coming attractions the movie finally got under way, a thief (DeNiro) pulls one last job before retiring. Not an original plot, but that’s okay because the movie exists for the cast, not the plot. Norton is the inside guy who sets the whole thing up, Brando supplies the buyer for the stolen item and Bassett plays DeNiro’s stewardess girlfriend... I think it’s safe to assume that she took this role to work with DeNiro. For some reason, I like movies where the hero is a career criminal. I suppose it’s a side effect of liking capers, but it doesn’t set a very good example. DeNiro isn’t too difficult to like as he robs from the rich and finances his swanky night club. Brando is fun, lisping his lines and, I can only hope, ad-libbing a goofy pretend phone call. Norton is great as always, and Bassett is under used. Director Frank Oz doesn’t come close to topping 1999’s Bowfinger, in my opinion, but The Score is one of the best movie’s of it’s genre I’ve seen in a long time.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Man on the Moon: C; Bowfinger: A+
July 12
Movie: The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
Cast: Frank Sinatra, Laurence Harvey, Angela Lansbury, Janet Leigh, Henry Silva
Thoughts: Shocking, disturbing and, at times, somewhat comical, The Manchurian Candidate concerns the brainwashing of American soldiers during the Korean War, which turns one of them into an assassin. Sinatra, who had bulked up since he looked positively puny in 1953’s From Here to Eternity, has the lead as the superior of Harvey, who, after a game of solitaire, will kill anyone he’s told to. Lansbury is flawless as the domineering mother, she’s impossible not to hate. It’s a powerful film that hasn’t lost any of its impact, and to describe the plot in any more detail would give away details that are better left discovered by the viewer. The sluggish pace may put off some people looking for a thriller, but be patient, it’s very rewarding.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: From Here to Eternity: B+
July 11
Movie: Monkeybone (2001)
Cast: Brendan Fraser, Bridget Fonda, Dave Foley, Rose McGowan, Chris Kattan, Whoopi Goldberg, Bob Odenkirk, voice of John Turturro
Thoughts: Some genius convinced 20th Century Fox to shell out $75 million to make this movie, which never had a chance at being anything other than a cult hit on video. Released earlier this year, only Town & Country has been a bigger flop (and that movie is the biggest flop ever), despite a handful of affectionate reviews. Pity director Henry Selick who, because of his Burton-esque hits 1993’s The Nightmare Before Christmas and 1996’s James and the Giant Peach, was obviously hired to make a Tim Burton movie. The trouble is, Burton’s style and visuals are so obscure that anything that tries to mimic something of his will come off looking like a pale imitation, even if it’s a good imitation. The only time Selick approaches his goal is in the few, brief black and white nightmare sequences. It’s clear, however, that Selick has something of his own to offer, but we’ll have to wait until his next feature to see it. Monkeybone has Fraser, a cartoonist, falling into a coma and having his body taken over by his creation, the titular comic strip character. It’s a plot that Burton might have attempted somewhere between Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and Beetlejuice, but even he might have had trouble making it seem as fun as it wants to be. Interesting sets and obvious effects cancel each other out, Goldberg continues her post Oscar tradition of dumb roles and the screenplay offers too many obvious jokes. This is one of those special effects comedies that’s more fun to look at than to listen to.
Grade: C
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas: B; James and the Giant Peach: B-; Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure: A; Beetlejuice: A
July 10
Movie: Road Trip (2000)
Cast: Breckin Meyer, Seann William Scott, Paulo Costanzo, DJ Qualls, Amy Smart, Rachel Blanchard, Tom Green, Fred Ward, Andy Dick
Thoughts: After seeing Scary Movie yesterday, my expectations were extremely low for this movie - the two got similar reactions when they were released. I think that may be the only reason why I almost liked Road Trip. It’s very immature, there’s lots of nudity and sex jokes, and Green, my fellow Canadian, puts a live mouse in his mouth. The plot, which exists largely to get from one dumb gag to another, has Meyer making a tape of him and Smart having sex and accidentally mailing it to his girlfriend Blanchard (who is also Canadian). He decides to travel from Ithaca, New York to Austin, Texas to intercept it before she sees it, he takes a few friends along with him and they have many zany adventures along the way. Describing the jokes would only make anyone who hasn’t seen the movie wonder how I can give Scary Movie an F and be so much kinder to Road Trip. Suffice it to say that I’ve liked nearly everything I’ve seen Meyer and Scott in, Ward adds some respectability to the low brow nuttiness and even Green was fun. The fact that I don’t hate this movie, if nothing else, proves that I’m not a total snob.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Scary Movie: F
Movie: The Pledge (2001)
Cast: Jack Nicholson, Robin Wright Penn, Aaron Eckhart, Tom Noonan, Helen Mirren, Vanessa Redgrave, Patricia Clarkson, Michael O’Keefe, Benicio Del Toro, Mickey Rourke, Costas Mandylor, Eileen Ryan, Sam Shepard, Lois Smith, Harry Dean Stanton
Thoughts: Director Sean Penn, even if he wasn’t a good director, would get a lot of credit for assembling a stellar cast, most of whom only have one scene, or a couple of minutes of screen time. This is the third film Penn has directed, after 1991’s The Indian Runner and 1995’s The Crossing Guard, and it’s intense. Nicholson plays a freshly retired cop who promises the mother of a young girl who was murdered that he’ll find the killer. The killer is, presumably, found, but Nicholson has doubts. He gathers evidence that point to someone else and sets out to find him on his own. It’s the standard cop-who-can’t-solve-a-case-until-he’s-taken-off-of-the-case plot, but it works and never seems clichéd. The finale is, intentionally I think, unsatisfying, and the events leading up to it makes one wonder what Nicholson is thinking, but the movie overall is surprisingly riveting, if a little slow moving in parts. If you can take the graphic images of murdered little girls, The Pledge is a must see, if only for a moving performance from Nicholson.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Crossing Guard: C+
July 9
Movie: “Crocodile” Dundee 2 (1988)
Cast: Paul Hogan, Linda Kozlowski, Dennis Boutsikaris, Luis Guzman, Stephen Root
Thoughts: Redundant sequel is pretty much the reverse of the original, with Hogan traveling from New York City to the Australian Outback, and there’s a drug subplot thrown in. This movie took in about $120 million despite the fact that there isn’t anything new. Thirteen years later, Crocodile Dundee in L.A. would only gross $25 million, proving that the four year statute of limitations on comedy sequels should be more strongly enforced. Nothing terribly amusing happens, but it isn’t awful either. If this hadn’t been a sequel to a very similar movie, I probably would have been easier on it.
Grade: C-
Movie: Scary Movie (2000)
Cast: Anna Faris, Jon Abrahams, Shannon Elizabeth, Shawn Wayans, Kimberly Jones, Lochlyn Munro, Cheri Oteri, Marlon Wayans, Carmen Electra, Kurt Fuller, Rick Ducommun, Kelly Coffield, Keenan Ivory Wayans, James Van Der Beek
Thoughts: I didn’t think it would be this bad. Nothing but “jokes” that consist of sex, drugs, repeating scenes and dialogue from other movies nearly word for word and, of course, bodily functions. The six (!) writers are obviously lazy and untalented, or else they would have inserted a least one or two clever gags that would interest people like me, who actually enjoy the movies the filmmakers are trying to spoof. Faris is promising, but it’s hard to tell in junk like this, Abrahams might be good in something worthy as well. Elizabeth almost embarrasses herself here as much as she did in American Pie, and Oteri, a genuinely funny performer, is horribly wasted. Aside from Damon, I can’t recall a time when I’ve found anyone with the last name Wayans even remotely humorous (and Damon has fumbled several times). Near the end, the movie resorts to copying scenes from The Matrix and The Usual Suspects, probably because they couldn’t think of any other scary movies and the running time needed some padding. I didn’t laugh once, and I’m dreading the day when I force myself to sit through the sequel, which even fans of this crap are calling worthless. The worst movie of 2000, and that’s really saying something.
Grade: F
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: American Pie: C-; The Matrix: B+; The Usual Suspects: B+
July 8
Movie: Naked Lunch (1990)
Cast: Peter Weller, Judy Davis, Ian Holm, Julian Sands, Nicholas Campbell, Roy Scheider, Sean McCann
Thoughts: I don’t know if I’m qualified to see, much less discuss, a movie as symbolic, pretentious and bizarre as David Cronenberg’s Naked Lunch. Based on William S. Burroughs’ novel of the same name, which I have never read, the movie concerns an exterminator (Weller) who comes home one day to discover his wife (Davis) shooting up with the powder he uses to kill roaches. She convinces him to try it and the scenes that follow are clearly set up as hallucinations (the viewer is often show both what Weller sees and what he would see if he wasn’t high). He goes to a place called InterZone and types on machines that change into talking bug/alien hybrids. The movie went right over my head, I didn’t “get” most of it, assuming there was anything to get, and I can’t say I enjoyed it, but I can’t say it was bad either. Also, it’s really gross.
Grade: C+
July 7
Movie: Can’t Buy Me Love (1987)
Cast: Patrick Dempsey, Amanda Peterson, Courtney Gains, Dennis Dugan, Seth Green, Max Perlich, Ami Dolenz
Thoughts: Dumb, generic teen romantic comedy, upon which such recent films as Can’t Hardly Wait and She’s All That are largely based. Wait got it’s dork-longing-for-babe-he-eventually-gets story from this, while That got it’s geek-to-chic plot. Love, however, isn’t even enjoyable as a cliché factory, like the later movies. Dempsey made a lot of movies like this in the 80’s, and it wasn’t until the mid to late 90’s teen boom that the same plots resurfaced, with nothing but more interesting actors and slightly larger budgets separating them. Green, who also appeared in Wait, is virtually unrecognizable and quite irritating in the sassy little brother role, and he’s the only actor in the movie who still gets roles in big movies 14 years later. The only reason I can think of to see this movie is to find out why critics are so hard on teen romances these days.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: She’s All That: C+; Can’t Hardly Wait: B+
July 6
Movie: A.I.: Artificial Intelligence (2001)
Cast: Haley Joel Osment, Jude Law, William Hurt, Frances O'Connor, Sam Robards, Brendan Gleeson, voices of Ben Kinglsey, Chris Rock, Robin Williams
Thoughts: I went into A.I. thinking it would be nothing more than a combination of Pinocchio and 1999’s Bicentennial Man. And that it is, but it’s more. With sap connoisseur Steven Spielberg both writing and directing, it can’t help but be reminiscent of his past movies like E.T. and Hook. I wondered what Stanley Kubrick’s interest was in this story, until Osment and Law entered Rouge Town, which is apparently the whore capital of the world in the time this movie is set. Spielberg doesn’t spend much time there, but I bet Kubrick would have. This movie is more interested in what it means to be human (yawn) and a robot’s quest to be loved by a human (like Bicentennial Man, double yawn). The early scenes, of David (Osment) with his “family,” are mostly interesting, but when he gets out into the world and meets up with fugitive sex machine Law, it gets really good. Then (and I won’t go into detail here) it turns painfully sappy and saccharine. The final 30 minutes or so were just awful, it desperately tried to tug at the heart strings but all it got out of me was numerous eye rolls. Usually I’m much harder on movies that completely collapse near the end, but much of A.I. was good enough to warrant a positive rating from me. Just don’t come crying to me if you feel cheated.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Bicentennial Man: C-; E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial: B+; Hook: C+
July 5
Movie: The Curse (1987)
Cast: Wil Wheaton, Claude Akins, John Schneider, Cooper Huckabee
Thoughts: Alternately known as The Farm, which is a far more accurate title, The Curse is easily one of the most disgusting movies I’ve ever seen. The first gross out is when a woman chops open a head of lettuce and reveals... well, I don’t know what it was, but it left a big mess on the cutting board. She cuts open a tomato next, apparently assuming that they are immune to whatever made the lettuce do what it did, and gets sprayed by brown sludge. Then there’s the apples and the cows, both of which are bursting with meal worms. What’s causing this? Why, a meteor that crashed near a farm and melted into the water supply, driving people and animals mad and deforming them of course. The box features a giant claw exploding from the earth beneath a farmhouse and grasping it, along with the tag line “It takes your body. And your mind. Then it takes you straight to hell...” All of which is really an exaggeration. It’s yucky and silly and not very well made, but I do have some affection for a movie that does nothing but try to make viewers puke. It’s also actor David Keith’s directorial debut, if that helps.
Grade: C
Movie: La Femme Nikita (1990)
Cast: Anne Parillaud, Tcheky Karyo, Jeanne Moreau, Jean Reno
Thoughts: I saw the remake of this movie, 1993’s Point of No Return, when it came out on video, nearly eight years ago, so making any kind of comparisons would probably be unfair. What I can say, though, is that this version suffers greatly from a dull musical score that adds no suspense at all, in fact it often takes away from the tension created by the scene it’s being played in. The early scenes, in which Parillaud’s Nikita hasn’t yet learned to be a ladylike killer, make her out to be insane. She gives a guy a mouse in a box and when he sees it and jumps up in fear, she starts singing/screaming some nonsense song that I couldn’t make out. Then Moreau teaches her how to smile, and Karyo gives her a birthday cake and suddenly she’s perfect. What saves the movie is it’s second half, with Nikita out in the world, performing assassinations with no notice. Even with the lousy music, the scenes are very exciting and Parillaud is very believable in this part of her role. Reno turns up near the end as The Cleaner. I like the remake better, but probably only because it was made to be more crowd pleasing. I unintentionally rented the dubbed version, but I think the subtitled version might have been better.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Point of No Return: A-
July 4
Movie: The Wild Bunch (1969)
Cast: William Holden, Ernest Borgnine, Edmund O’Brien, Robert Ryan, Ben Johnson, Strother Martin, L.Q. Jones, Alfonso Arau, Dub Taylor
Thoughts: This widely acclaimed western is known almost entirely for it’s excessive violence. A group of outlaws rob a bank and get away, but not before a shoot-out with the law. There’s another shoot-out at the end, and in between there isn’t a whole lot of action, save for filmdom's quietest train robbery ever. Some claim that this movie killed the western, others say that it was merely one of the genres’ last gasps. For me, seeing it for the first time 32 years after it was originally released, it looks like just another western. It’s a good western though, a very good one really, and an entertaining and involving movie. Even though the “heroes” never do anything heroic, save for the occasional giving a whore some money without having sex with her, you can’t help but root for them. I saw the widescreen director’s cut which adds ten minutes to the version that was previously available, and that’s the version I’m recommending.
Grade: B+
July 3
Movie: Snatch (2000)
Cast: Jason Statham, Dennis Farina, Brad Pitt, Vinnie Jones, Benicio Del Toro, Ewen Bremner
Thoughts: Guy Ritchie’s second feature, after 1999’s Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, got a brief release at the end of 2000 in an attempt to gather some Oscar buzz. It didn’t work, not surprisingly, since the movie is not the type that Oscar notices, save for the occasional exception, like 1994’s Pulp Fiction. Snatch is about a diamond that changes hands several times, it’s a very large diamond that is obviously extremely valuable. It’s very complicated and convoluted, and has no business being as entertaining as it is. Thanks to director Ritchie’s frenetic style and the choppy but coherent editing, you can hardly help but pay close attention and become completely engrossed. The cast is great, though Del Toro’s involvement is grossly exaggerated, and Pitt’s “funny” accent isn’t very funny - especially if you've already seen the film’s advertising, in which it was heavily featured. If you liked Barrels, and don’t have any trouble understanding the accents, you’ll probably like this one.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels: B+; Pulp Fiction: A
Movie: State and Main (2000)
Cast: Philip Seymour Hoffman, William H. Macy, Rebecca Pidgeon, Alec Baldwin, Sarah Jessica Parker, Julia Stiles, David Paymer, Clark Gregg, Charles Durning, Ricky Jay, Jonathan Katz
Thoughts: Two days ago, I reviewed the movie Swordfish. Halle Berry got an extra $500,000 in exchange for baring her breasts in that movie. In State and Main, Parker plays an actress who demands an extra $800,000 in exchange for baring her breasts in the movie The Old Mill. I thought that was a pretty amazing coincidence, and I’m surprised that I haven’t seen it mentioned somewhere else. I wonder if Berry has seen State and Main, and if it makes her feel like a fool. S&M is the latest from David Mamet, who has a habit of casting his wives in his movies - Lindsay Crouse was in the over rated House of Games, Pidgeon, who also appears here, was in the over rated The Spanish Prisoner. Crouse’s performance in Games and Pidgeon’s performance in Prisoner were both just short of awful. Crouse has done great work since, and Pidgeon is very good here, collapsing my theory that the only people Mamet can’t get a good performance out of are his wives. The plot of this movie has a film crew descending upon a small town to shoot a really dumb looking period piece about a fireman and a nun having a torrid affair. Hoffman is the conflicted writer, Macy is the director, Baldwin and Parker are the stars. The interaction between the movie people and the civilians is surprisingly realistic looking, considering this is a satire. It’s too bad Durning and Jay are stuck with essentially meaningless roles, but Hoffman is great, again, and the entire cast is at their best. Some of Mamet’s best writing and the fact that I love movies about making movies make me wonder why I didn’t like this one more. I’m guessing it’s the tacked on sex subplot that envelops the final third of the movie.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Swordfish: A-; House of Games: B; The Spanish Prisoner: B
July 2
Movie: Paranoid (2000)
Cast: Jessica Alba, Ewen Bremner, Iain Glen, Jeanne Tripplehorn
Thoughts: Peculiar little psychological/kidnap thriller starring Alba as a model who is lured to a huge house out in the middle of nowhere, drugged and held captive. Unfortunately for fans of Alba’s Dark Angel persona, she’s out of it pretty quickly and spends much of the film in a daze, completely defenseless. Glen plays the head of the kidnapping gang, if you can call them that. Their goal seems to be to get beautiful women to the house, drug them so they won’t remember anything, and then film erotic videos. There is some nudity, but considering the movie went straight to video, it’s surprisingly brief. Alba keeps her clothes on the entire time, but she does catch a glimpse of a naked woman in a video and Glen appears naked from the rear. There’s some good, interesting stuff - like the way the guy who keeps calling Alba and hanging up is brought into the plot, and the kidnapper’s deaf daughter - but the movie is too sluggish. Bremner has some fun, but even as a despicable villain he’s hard to dislike, and Tripplehorn is just going through the motions with her character. Paranoid isn’t really a bad movie, just an unsatisfying one.
Grade: C+
July 1
Movie: Swordfish (2001)
Cast: Hugh Jackman, John Travolta, Halle Berry, Don Cheadle, Sam Shepard, Tate Donovan
Thoughts: That’s right, I’m listing Jackman ahead of Travolta. Why? Because I think he had more screen time and because I think his character is the center of the movie. Swordfish got a lot of press from Berry agreeing to appear topless in exchange for an extra $500,000, but her breasts are presented so abrubtly and without any kind of eroticism whatsoever, I have to wonder what the point was. I could be cynical and assume that it was only done because the producers knew that the press would make a huge deal of it, or else they just thought that the target audience was horny young males. Sometimes cynicism is the answer. The movie itself is great fun, very fast paced and involving, and the characters are mostly well thought out. Travolta has this brilliant scene right at the beginning where he discusses 1975’s Dog Day Afternoon (which he mistakenly identifies as a 1976 film) and ponders how different it would have been if Al Pacino’s character had been completely ruthless. That scene expands and eventually shows one of the most jarring, destructive and frightening explosions I’ve ever seen on film. Comparisons to 1999’s The Matrix are well deserved, especially because of the scene rotation during the explosion, but I think Swordfish is even better.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Dog Day Afternoon: A-; The Matrix: B+
Movie: Ghost in the Shell (1996)
Cast: Animated
Thoughts: I doubt many fans of Japanese Animation (aka Japanimation or animé) consider this to be the best the genre has to offer, but it is one of the most widely known, along with 1989’s Akira. I saw a few minutes of this a few years ago as part of my film class’ animation section, and from that brief glimpse I got the impression that it was about a government assassin. That was close, sort of, but not really accurate. There is an assassin, but the government’s role is to stop him/her/it. It’s very complicated and, like many films of this genre, is filled with violence, gore and, most importantly, female nudity. I don’t have any real problems with the movie, but the dubbed American voices are so unemotional that it’s very distracting. Dialogue that should have brief pauses has none it just goes on and on as though the lines were written with no punctuation at all and it takes all the power out of what is being said. If Ghost in the Shell is ever redone with a new voice over cast, I’ll probably give it another try.
Grade: B-
Movies seen but not mentioned below: The Legend (1993) - B+
June 30
Movie: Escape From Alcatraz (1979)
Cast: Clint Eastwood, Patrick McGoohan, Fred Ward, Larry Hankin, Danny Glover, Carl Lumbly
Thoughts: This was the fifth and final collaboration for star Eastwood and director Don Siegel. It concerns the only time anyone ever broke out of Alcatraz, or at least the only time the bodies of the escapees weren’t found. Eastwood is as intense as usual and McGoohan, as the warden, seems to be channeling Louise Fletcher’s Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. From the prison films I’ve seen that were made after this one, like Frank Darabont’s two Stephen King adaptations, The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, Escape seems to have set a standard, or at least followed the standard. There’s even a shy inmate who has a pet mouse, just like Michael Jeter in Mile. Those clichés keep it from being a great movie, but it is fun (I love capers). Glover and Lumbly both appear in small roles as inmates, according to the end credits, but I didn’t see them.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: B; The Shawshank Redemption: B+; The Green Mile: A
June 28
Movie: Shaft (2000)
Cast: Samuel L. Jackson, Christian Bale, Vanessa Williams, Jeffrey Wright, Toni Collette, Busta Rhymes, Dan Hedaya, Richard Roundtree, Lynne Thigpen, Mekhi Phifer
Thoughts: John Singleton directs this new Shaft, which is more of a sequel to than a remake of 1971’s Shaft, which already has two sequels. Jackson is at his best here, easily outdoing the original John Shaft, Roundtree, who dutifully puts in an appearance. The plot has spoiled rich kid Bale (who, at the time, had just starred as the inherently evil American Psycho) murdering Phifer and jumping bail to Switzerland. Two years later he comes back, gets arrested again and hires Wright, in a terrific performance, to find and kill the only witness (Collette) before she can talk. Shaft isn’t going to let that happen. Rhymes plays the rare comic relief character who’s actually funny, and he turns out to be an interesting actor too. Great crime thriller that manages to avoid getting bogged down by cop movie clichés (although the one where the cop doesn’t solve the crime until he’s taken off the case is in effect).
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Shaft (1971): B-; American Psycho: B+
Movie: Gormenghast, Part 2 (2000)
Cast: Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Neve McIntosh, Stephen Fry, Christopher Lee, Andrew Robertson, John Sessions, Fiona Shaw
Thoughts: A slight disappointment only in relation to the stellar first half, this excellent conclusion turns Rhys-Meyers’ Steerpike from an especially vicious anti-hero into a full fledged villain, holding up Lord Titus Groan (Robertson) as the hero. British comedian Fry joins the cast as Titus’ teacher, and everyone who survived the first half returns. The only criticism I have, really, is that some of the most interesting characters are relegated to second tier supporting roles while the Prunesquallors (Sessions and Shaw) are promoted to near leads in the first half of this part of the film. Nothing against them, of course, but they’re really just comic relief. An exciting manhunt-during-a-flood finale makes for a wonderful ending to possibly the finest made for television movie I’ve ever seen.
Grade: A
June 27
Movie: Gone in 60 Seconds (2000)
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Delroy Lindo, Giovanni Ribisi, Angelina Jolie, Timothy Olyphant, Will Patton, Robert Duvall, Christopher Eccleston, Scott Caan, James Duval, Frances Fisher, Vinnie Jones, Chi McBride, Grace Zabriskie, Bodhi Elfman, Arye Gross
Thoughts: Those mentioned in the cast list above are only the ones I had heard of before I saw this movie, there are several other players. The thing that critic’s most complained about was the near absence of Jolie, but she has just as large a role as Ribisi. The thing they should have griped about is the fact that she gets such early billing in the movie, and even that can be argued as an alphabetical list for the second bananas to Cage’s lead. I’ve never seen the 1974 original, but I’m guessing the cars weren’t nearly as shiny as they are in this sparkly remake. The pace is so quick that, unless you’re focused on it, you probably won’t even notice that the story doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Lots of fast driving, expensive cars and breaking glass make for a very dumb but kinda fun action movie. Lindo and Duvall add some dignity and the rest of the cast gives great support. Not for connoisseurs, but it passes the time relatively painlessly.
Grade: B-
Movie: Animal Crackers (1930)
Cast: The Marx Brothers, Margaret Dumont
Thoughts: The appeal of the Marx Brothers is lost on me. I like Groucho’s delivery but he so rarely says anything that makes me laugh (it happened exactly twice in this movie), Chico’s delivery is good too, but he’s funny even less frequently than Groucho. Harpo is all facial expressions and honking horns and blowing whistles and, most irritating, harp playing. Zeppo doesn’t even get involved, I guess he’d be the straight man. I’m sure that when Animal Crackers first came out, more than 70 years ago, it was the most original and inventive comedy ever made, but it just doesn’t hold up. The Marx’s comedy skits mostly take place completely removed from the rest of the movie (which, I assume, is part of their charm) and it’s jarring the way some of them end (though the bridge game couldn’t have ended too soon). A couple of laughs, an excruciating harp solo and kooky physical comedy that should have died with vaudeville do not a lasting comedy make.
Grade: C
Movie: Gormenghast, Part 1 (2000)
Cast: Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Neve McIntosh, Ian Richardson, Christopher Lee, John Sessions, Fiona Shaw, Richard Griffiths, Zoe Wanamaker
Thoughts: A glorious tragicomic epic, or at least the first half of it. This BBC mini-series, based on the novel The Gormenghast Chronicles by Mervyn Peake, opens with the birth of a boy, which, judging by the reaction of nearly everyone who hears of it, is a very good thing. This boy will succeed the current ruler of Gormenghast, Lord Groan (Richardson), when he dies. The film has the look of movies like 1986’s Labyrinth and 1995’s The City of Lost Children, and features beautiful sets, stellar performances and a story so complicated that if you missed the first part I’d recommend skipping the second part until you can see the whole thing in order . The characters have names like Slagg, Swelter and Prunesquallor and they always utterly live up to their monikers. The cast is flawless, especially star Rhys-Meyers and Lee, one of my all time favourite actors, as Richardson’s manservant. If it had been released into theaters in 2000, it would be at the top of my ten best list. I anxiously await the second part.
Grade: A
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Labyrinth: B; The City of Lost Children: A-
June 26
Movie: The Boy’s Club (1996)
Cast: Chris Penn, Dominic Zamprogna, Devon Sawa, Stuart Stone, Nicholas Campbell, Bif Naked
Thoughts: Penn is the only American in this nifty but flawed Canadian thriller. He plays the victim of a shooting who hides out in a shack used by Zamprogna, Sawa and Stone as a club house. As the film progresses, it’s revealed why he was shot, why he really needed that car hidden and what his ultimate intentions are. Great performance by Penn and good ones from the his three costars, but the story is hurt by the teen romance subplot. If it weren’t for that, it would basically be a one set drama which probably would have been more interesting, and it would have been a better showcase for the actors. That’s the surprisingly piercing-free singer Naked as the liquor store manager.
Grade: B-
Movie: The Guns of Navarone (1961)
Cast: Gregory Peck, David Niven, Anthony Quinn, Irene Papas, Richard Harris
Thoughts: It’s always a pleasure to see actors like Peck, Niven and Quinn together in a truly great movie. The Guns of Navarone are two dangerously accurate, massive German controlled cannons that have sunk scores of Allied ships in World War II. They’re stashed away at the top of a steep cliff inside an impenetrable fortress that’s heavily guarded. It’s up to Peck and his crew to destroy them. The running time, 167 minutes, might keep away some viewers, but the film makes excellent use of it. Stellar performances and, unlike most war movies, an interesting role for a woman (Papas). I couldn’t for the life of me spot Harris in any of the roles, I’m thinking he was in disguise.
Grade: A-
June 25
Movie: Sudden Impact (1983)
Cast: Clint Eastwood, Sondra Locke, Pat Hingle, Bradford Dillman
Thoughts: Forty-five minutes into Sudden Impact, Eastwood’s Harry Callahan is already responsible for the deaths of 10 different people. By the same time, Locke, who’s character is the film's killer, has only murdered one person. And so it goes in the fourth Dirty Harry film, which is the least fun of the series so far (I have yet to see Magnum Force). There’s two subplots that serve mainly to increase the kill ratio - one has some punk getting off on a technicality and stupidly coming after Callahan for revenge, the other has a crime boss having a fatal heart attack after being confronted by Callahan. After the tenth kill, the chief forces "Dirty Harry" to do some grunt work, which of course only puts him closer to the bad guy, who he ends up dating. Considering the series it’s a part of, Sudden Impact is sub par, but it’s still a good action movie. I can only assume that co-writer Charles B. Pierce, the man behind the lousy true crime thriller The Town That Dreaded Sundown, is responsible for the farting dog joke and not the classic “Go ahead, make my day” line.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Town That Dreaded Sundown: C-
June 24
Movie: The Replacements (2000)
Cast: Keanu Reeves, Gene Hackman, Jon Favreau, Rhys Ifans, Orlando Jones, Brooke Langton, John Madden
Thoughts: Everything I said about Love & Basketball is the opposite for The Replacements. The story is sports movie standard, the romance is predictable and there isn’t a single interesting character, or at least not one we haven’t seen before. The football players who go out on strike are irritating bullies (did the real striking football players actually picket stadiums?), the new cheerleaders are all trampy strippers (apparently when the players go on strike, the cheerleaders go too) and you know from the outset that there’s no way the scab players aren’t going to win the big game - but just barely, you know, for suspense. Despite the lame, annoying and unfunny bits in this supposed comedy, including one of those out of nowhere dance numbers where the music emanates from another dimension and all the characters come up with the same choreography with no discussion beforehand, I have to say that some of the game scenes were surprisingly well done. Too bad Oliver Stone’s vastly superior Any Given Sunday beat it to theaters by nearly a year. I can only hope that Hackman did this movie just so he’d be able to make last year’s Under Suspicion with Morgan Freeman. It’s not a complete embarrassment, but it’s closer to that than to a success.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Love & Basketball: A-; Any Given Sunday: A-
June 23
Movie: Love & Basketball (2000)
Cast: Omar Epps, Sanaa Lathan, Alfre Woodard, Dennis Haysbert
Thoughts: Wonderful story has Epps and Lathan playing basketball players who have been friends and foes for years. The film is divided into four quarters, the first is set in 1981 when the two meet at age eleven. The second, and most interesting, jumps ahead to 1988 when they’re both in college and dating each other. That sours in the third quarter and by the fourth, in 1993, they barely know each other until an injury brings them together again. The fact that the whole movie is based in the world of basketball doesn’t affect the love story very much and it doesn’t make the movie predictable, as it has so many other sports related love stories. The two stars play perfectly off of each other and give excellent performances, which makes one wonder why Epps is so often relegated to goofy, but fun, movies like Dracula 2000. Woodard and Haysbert are pros who know how to make their roles, which might normally be stereotypical and underdeveloped, integral to the movie. Of course, most of the credit goes to writer/director Gina Prince-Bythewood, in her feature debut. A great movie that doesn’t waste time pandering to the standards of the romantic drama.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Dracula 2000: B+
June 22
Movie: Evil Under the Sun (1982)
Cast: Peter Ustinov, Maggie Smith, James Mason, Roddy McDowall, Silvia Miles, Diana Rigg
Thoughts: Evil Under the Sun opens with a murder that is ignored by the rest of the movie until the very end. It was very odd, I was more than a little confused by it’s inclusion until Hercule Poirot (Ustinov) explained the whole sorted, complicated mess. The rest of the movie, based on the Agatha Christie novel that I read ages ago and forgot most of, including the ending, is set at a private castle that has been converted into a resort by it’s owner (Smith). It isn’t long before Rigg ticks off nearly every single guest at the resort and, an hour into the movie, she’s discovered to be dead. The cast is very classy and I’d be lying if I said that Smith and Rigg’s feuding isn’t one of the most fun things about the movie. As usual, Poirot’s investigation is boggling in it’s completeness, and if you figure out the ending before he does, then you probably have psychic abilities.
Grade: B+
June 21
Movie: Peter Pan (1953)
Cast: voices of Bobby Driscoll, Kathryn Beaumont, Hans Conreid
Thoughts: I know I’ve seen most of Disney’s “classic” animated features, but I saw them when I was so young that I barely remember most of them, so I try to catch one whenever I can. I have vague memories of seeing Peter Pan on television many years ago, but I’ve been wrong about these things before, so maybe I’ve only ever seen clips of it on Disney holiday specials. Either way, I got around to seeing it today (possibly again). The film doesn’t really hold up anymore, what with Peter’s sexism (Wendy offers to sew his shadow to his shoes and he declares “Get on with it, girl!”), Tinkerbell’s body consciousness, despite her desirable figure (she stands on a hand mirror and is angered by the size of her hips) and, worst of all, the stereotypical behavior of the Native American characters (the word “um” is used a lot, they’re frequently referred to as “red men,” even by themselves and other presumably offensive things). Of course, you have to remember that this story is a child’s fantasy and, thanks to movies like this, these things are all in the minds of children. Still, the story is classic, the songs are memorable and aside from the political incorrectness there aren’t many genuine criticisms I can make. The plus in my grade is for the stellar making-of documentary, made for the film’s re-release in 1997, that follows the feature. It contains rare interviews with some of the cast and animators and, most interesting, original story board ideas of the much darker film Peter Pan could have been.
Grade: B+
Movie: Gunmen (1994)
Cast: Christopher Lambert, Mario Van Peebles, Denis Leary, Brenda Bakke, Kadeem Hardison, Patrick Stewart, Sally Kirkland
Thoughts: Generic action comedy got a blink-and-you-missed-it release to theaters and was moderately successful on video, thanks largely to the notoriously indiscriminate tastes of the video action viewer. Lambert’s goofiness and Van Peebles’ intensity clash nicely, but their bickering gets old fast. Leary is the villain, Bakke is his sidekick, Stewart is their wheelchair-confined boss. All three have played bad guys in better movies and their experience serves them well here. Hardison plays an annoyingly nutty pilot and Kirkland has about four minutes of screen time as a small scale arms dealer. The cruelty of the villains is over the top, the action comes in sporadic bursts that thankfully interrupts the dialogue. It’s not a good movie, but it isn’t terrible either. It’s not boring and the actors know what they’re doing. You could do a lot worse.
Grade: C+
June 20
Movie: A Place in the Sun (1951)
Cast: Montgomery Clift, Elizabeth Taylor, Shelley Winters, Raymond Burr, Paul Frees
Thoughts: A few months ago, I read a book called The Hampton Affair by Vincent Lardo. In it, a character sees the movie A Place in the Sun and is inspired to, well, I don’t want to give anything away so I’ll just say to do something that is done in the movie (which is based on the novel American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser). The movie is about a nephew (Clift) of a wealthy man who gets a job in his uncle’s business and strikes up a relationship with a coworker (Winters), even though such a thing is strictly forbidden by company policy. The relationship progresses until Clift meets Taylor, the daughter of the town’s other wealthy family. Poor Clift has to keep both girlfriend’s going without them finding out about the other, it’s like an episode of Three’s Company, only more serious. Clift is doing well at his job, has just gotten a promotion and is blissfully happy with Taylor when Winters tells him that she’s pregnant (without using that evil word, of course). Fine performances all around, though Clift is his usual stiff self at times, which doesn’t always suit the character. The story is typical class struggle stuff until the incident, but it never ceases to be fascinating.
Grade: A-
Movie: Submerged (2000)
Cast: Brent Huff, Maxwell Caulfield, Coolio, Nicole Eggert, Tim Thomerson, Dennis Weaver, Fred Williamson
Thoughts: I don’t why I bothered to watch this movie. There were scores of straight to video action movies I could have chosen instead. On the box is a picture of plane about to crash land into some water and in the sky above the plane are the watermarked faces of Coolio and Eggert, who receive top billing. In reality, they both have pretty insignificant roles while the lead goes to Huff, who I have never heard of. The movie starts with Coolio shooting a bunch of people and stealing a bunch of boxes out of a building and putting them on a truck that is clearly a U-Haul with the decals removed. These boxes are useless without the software that’s in a briefcase that’s in a plane on the way to Hawaii. So the plane crashes into the ocean and Coolio leads the salvage crew to get the software. This takes up the first half of the movie, so there’s lots of filler, including a party where an annoying woman (Eggert) breaks up with her married boyfriend, a pregnant woman who is convinced to go to Hawaii on the doomed plane by her boss (Weaver) and a widower (Caulfield) who attaches himself to the pregnant woman because his wife and child died in a car wreck three years ago. It’s pretty slow moving and uneventful, until the plane crashes, then it gets slow again until the third gratuitous explosion (the first one destroyed a model that represented a building, the second took out a big square building that served no discernible purpose). Lots of witless witty remarks relieve the nonexistent tension and the movie finally ends, and none too soon, if you ask me.
Grade: D+
June 19
Movie: Cast Away (2000)
Cast: Tom Hanks, Helen Hunt, Nick Searcy, Jenifer Lewis, Chris Noth
Thoughts: Hanks got a well deserved Oscar nomination for his one man show as a Federal Express employee whose plane goes down. He gets stranded on an island and tries to survive the hunger, thirst, storms and loneliness. Once the trouble begins on the plane, the dialogue is minimal, Hanks keeps the viewer’s interest by simply exploring the island, discovering things that might come in handy later. It’s tough to review this movie without giving something away. The movie’s advertising gave away key plot points that should have been kept secret, but there is still some suspense, at least until the final third when it all turns to mush. That’s all I’m going to say, except that if you haven’t seen it yet, see it now, before you learn too much about it.
Grade: B+
Movie: AntiTrust (2001)
Cast: Ryan Phillippe, Tim Robbins, Rachel Leigh Cook, Claire Forlani, Richard Roundtree
Thoughts: I admit it freely, part of the reason why I rented this movie was because Phillippe is cute. I also thought, from the ads, that Robbins was going to be fun as the bad guy. It’s a pretty standard thriller, kind of reminded me of 1993’s The Firm more than once. Phillippe plays a computer genius (he’s affectionately referred to as a nerd) who is hired by billionaire computer genius Robbins to work on the next big thing. Cook plays the girl who woos Phillippe away from girlfriend Forlani, who is far less irritating here than she was in last year’s Boys and Girls. Anyway, it turns out that Robbins just steals things from smart people, kills them and claims their ideas as his own. Phillippe finds this out and turns into a junior detective, breaking into buildings, hacking into security systems and hiding on complicated children’s play equipment. It’s surprisingly fun and, at times, suspenseful. It isn’t serious, so don’t go over analyzing it and complaining that certain parts don’t seem to add up. AntiTrust is one of those movies that will infuriate some people and delight others, as it did me. Whether you like it or not might just depend on your mood.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Firm: B+; Boys and Girls: D-
June 18
Movie: The Eiger Sanction (1975)
Cast: Clint Eastwood, George Kennedy, Vonetta McGee, Jack Cassidy
Thoughts: Eiger is the name of a mountain in the Swiss Alps, Sanction is another word for murder. That’s about all you need to know. Eastwood plays a college art professor who is also a retired government assassin. He’s called in by an albino to perform one last hit, a revenge assignment against the man who murdered a friend of Eastwood’s. The plot is beyond standard and on into the realm of the predictable - I guessed the ending less than a third of the way in to the movie but dismissed it because I thought it would be too stupid. Kennedy plays Eastwood’s old climbing buddy who gets him in shape for the Eiger climb (and who wouldn’t enlist Kennedy to get them into shape?), McGee plays a black stewardess named Jemima and Cassidy plays a fey villain with a dog named Faggot. He lasts about as long as you’d expect a gay villain to last in an action movie. I’m sure I’m not alone is preferring Sylvester Stallone’s foray in the same genre, 1993’s Cliffhanger. About 90 minutes into the movie, the mountain climbing finally gets under way, but you never get the sense that Eastwood is in any danger, you never think for a moment that he’s actually high on a mountain. This was the third movie Eastwood directed himself, and he seems to have completely forgotten how to create suspense.
Grade: C
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Cliffhanger: A-
June 17
Movie: The Great Race (1965)
Cast: Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, Natalie Wood, Peter Falk, Keenan Wynn, Vivian Vance, Larry Storch, Denver Pyle
Thoughts: Over long, over acted and grossly over rated comedy from Blake Edwards. The two and a half hour plus running time is padded with an extensive overture and intermission that I fast forwarded through. The fight scenes all go on way too long and look pathetically choreographed, there is an extensive and irritating sequence where the four stars are stranded on an ice berg, and another where they’re all involved in a Prisoner of Zenda type plot, all while Lemmon skulks around like a silent movie villain. I didn’t laugh once and I can’t be bothered to make any further criticisms, except to say that The Cannonball Run wasn’t this bad. See It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World instead.
Grade: D-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Cannonball Run: D+; It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World: B
Movie: Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Amazing Transparent Man (Experiment #623)
Cast: (MST3K) Michael J. Nelson, Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, Kevin Murphy, Mary Jo Pehl; (TATM) Douglas Kennedy, Marguerite Chapman, James Griffith
Thoughts: The short that precedes the movie, The Days of Our Years, is a very morose and depressing look at the dangers of carelessness. Mike (Nelson) and the bots, naturally, have a great time belittling the poor dopes who meet with tragedy after letting their joy overcome them. It’s easily one of my favourite shorts they’ve ever watched. The movie is fun too, but after that short it’s hard to keep up. Transparent has a guy named Faust breaking out of prison and being turned invisible to rob banks. The effects aren’t any better than they were in 1933’s The Invisible Man (Transparent was made in 1960). Luckily the crew makes viewing it not only painless but enjoyable. Down in Deep 13, the mads have opened a bed and breakfast, Frank (Conniff) gets a day off and is dismayed to learn that Squanto: A Warrior’s Tale is no longer playing in theaters. Up on the satellite, poor Crow forgets the gentle pressure rule and gets blasted in the face by Servo’s welding torch. One of the best Comedy Central era episodes of the show.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Invisible Man: B+
Movie: What Women Want (2000)
Cast: Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt, Marisa Tomei, Alan Alda, Ashley Johnson, Mark Feuerstein, Lauren Holly, Delta Burke, Valerie Perrine, Ana Gasteyer, Loretta Devine, Bette Midler, Richard Simmons, Martha Stewart
Thoughts: Surprisingly funny Mel Gibson vehicle has the actor gaining the ability to hear women’s thoughts and using what he hears to his advantage. Hunt plays the same character she always plays, but I’ve never had anything against her. Tomei is great, Feuerstein shows he deserves more good roles like this one and all the other women in the cast are pretty much interchangeable as foils for Gibson. There are lots of gay references - Gibson tries to think like a woman and ends up declaring himself a lesbian, Feuerstein believes that a woman thinks he’s gay, a woman thinks to herself that one kiss doesn’t make her a lesbian, Tomei accuses Gibson of being gay - that, if you notice them, are distracting, especially considering Gibson’s past homophobic remarks. That said, it’s treatment of strong women is far kinder than that of another movie I watched today, the title of which I shall not invoke here. It’s good and it’s harmless, What Women Want was also Gibson’s third $100 million grossing movie in 2000, after Chicken Run and The Patriot.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Chicken Run: B+; The Patriot: B
June 16
MovieExecutive Action (1973)
Cast: Burt Lancaster, Robert Ryan, Will Geer, Ed Lauter, Dick Miller
Thoughts: Watching this movie right before Oliver Stone’s similar 1992 film JFK will make you appreciate the latter even more. They both concern a conspiracy to assassinate John F. Kennedy, the difference is that Action starts long before the event and is told from the conspirators point of view. Lancaster plays the head bad guy, but even he can’t inject much drama or suspense, unless you don’t already know how the story turns out. There’s some actual news footage of Kennedy and others, but that only serves to make the fiction less interesting. Way too much talk followed by very little action, including a tasteless scene in which a look alike stands in for Kennedy as he’s shot, make for a dull but still marginally interesting, if only for the wildly complicated conspiracy theory, movie.
Grade: C
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: JFK: B+
June 15
Movie: Tomb Raider (2001)
Cast: Angelina Jolie, Noah Taylor, Jon Voight
Thoughts: I’d be surprised if I read a review that doesn’t compare Tomb Raider to other movies that were based on video games, like 1993’s Super Mario Bros., and the 1994 double bill of Double Dragon and Street Fighter. Holding those movies up against this one is absurd, it would be like comparing last year’s Supernova to Star Wars. They’re similar but completely different. The fact that all four are based on video games is irrelevant, the earlier movies were made solely to capitalize on the popularity of the games. Tomb Raider exists separately from the game, which I only recently played for the first time (I got stuck in the training level, became frustrated and gave up). Luckily Jolie is much better at playing Lara Croft than I am. She hurls herself around her environment seemingly not caring where or if she’ll land, attacks her enemies secure in the knowledge that she’ll win and, most importantly, is Lara Croft. Unfortunately, her nemesis couldn’t be less interesting. He’s a lawyer who wants to find a clock and a triangle that will somehow help him travel back and forth through time. Voight, Jolie’s real life father, puts in a brief appearance as Daddy Croft who disappeared 16 years ago. The effects are great and the action moves along so swiftly that I was shocked, and a little disappointed, when the movie started wrapping up. This Tomb Raider probably would have worked better as a sequel which, if this one does well, will be forthcoming.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Super Mario Bros.: C; Double Dragon: B; Street Fighter: C-; Supernova: B-; Star Wars: A
June 14
Movie: Joe Gould’s Secret (2000)
Cast: Ian Holm, Stanley Tucci, Hope Davis, Susan Sarandon, Patricia Clarkson, Steve Martin
Thoughts: Odd, talky little movie about Joe Gould (Holm) who claims to have written an oral history of the world, which is to say, a series of unrelated stories related to him by complete strangers. He is, of course, proclaimed a genius and a saint by pretentious New Yorkers. Tucci plays Joe Mitchell, a writer for the magazine The New Yorker, who does a write up of Gould and turns him into a very minor celebrity for a little while. It should be known that Gould is homeless and penniless (as all “true” artists are) and he’s constantly begging for money by requesting donations to the Joe Gould Fund, which is largely spent on liquor. It’s based on a true story and I can’t help but be annoyed by the whole thing. If the movie is as true as it claims to be, then the guy never really accomplished very much, aside from fooling a bunch of easily fooled people. Fortunately, the cast and writing make the movie enjoyable to watch. Holm is wonderful, Tucci is perfect and the supporting cast shines without over shadowing the leads. The writing is sharp and clever, and I was never really bored. After it ended, however, I realized that the movie wasn’t about anything. I give it a positive rating, but I don’t have any affection for it and I won’t defend it from anyone who dislikes it.
Grade: B
Movie: Ten Little Indians (1989)
Cast: Donald Pleasance, Frank Stallone, Brenda Vacarro, Herbert Lom
Thoughts: This adaptation of Agatha Christie’s famous story had so many peculiar moments, I really thought that they were finally going to go in a different direction for the ending. But no, they stick with the annoying, unfaithful to the source material, hollywood-ized finale. This is the third filmed version of the story I’ve seen, after 1945’s rightfully acclaimed And Then There Were None, and 1966’s unfairly dismissed and somewhat comical Ten Little Indians. The plot is simple, and unknown host invites a bunch of people he or she believes is guilty of murder in one or another to a remote place. The accusation is made and the cast is then thinned out one by one, in ways eerily similar to the old poem Ten Little Indians. There is a revelation made by Vacarro’s character that actually stunned me, and Lom’s aged military man was fun while he lasted, but overall, this is the weakest of the three films I’ve seen. Pleasance is great (especially in the croquet scene, in which he bashes a ball with his mallet and gets this gleeful look on his face, like a child just learning the game), and Stallone is surprisingly serviceable. The fact that the whole thing takes place on an African safari is gratuitous, I’m guessing it was just to keep the budget down.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: And Then There Were None: A-; Ten Little Indians (1966): A-
June 13
Movie: Gladiator (2000)
Cast: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, Connie Nielsen, Oliver Reed, Derek Jacobi, Djimon Hounsou, Richard Harris
Thoughts: More than a year after the 2000 Best Picture Oscar winner was released, I finally got around to seeing it. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Shortly after the Oscar nominations were announced, I managed to see Chocolat, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Traffic in theaters and I caught Erin Brockovich on cable the morning of the Oscar telecast. In my Oscar pool I picked Gladiator to win, even thought I thought Traffic deserved it more (I ended up guessing 15 of the 24 awards correctly, more than anyone else). As for the movie Gladiator itself, what more is there to say? First off, the effects aren’t nearly as bad as Roger Ebert claimed, but they aren’t nearly showy enough to win the Best Visual Effects Oscar either. I mentioned in my review of Romper Stomper a few days ago that Crowe deserved an Oscar for nearly every performance he’d given leading up to this one. Well, he’s at his best here too. Phoenix is stellar as the villain, Reed gives a fine final performance and the rest of the cast provide excellent support. The story is classic (it equally echoes 1960’s Spartacus and the current state of professional wrestling) and the fights are riveting. It isn’t a great movie, and it certainly isn’t the best movie of last year, but it is a really good movie, so I can’t really complain.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Chocolat: A-; Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: A-; Traffic: A; Erin Brockovich: B+; Romper Stomper: B; Spartacus: B+
Movie: Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Beast of Yucca Flats (Experiment #621)
Cast: (MST3K) Michael J. Nelson, Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, Mary Jo Pehl, Bridget Jones, voices of Kevin Murphy, Patrick Brantseg; (BoYF) Tor Johnson, Douglas Mellor, Barbara Francis, Tony Cardoza, voice of Coleman Francis
Thoughts: Coleman Francis, had he made more films, probably would have beat out Edward D. Wood Jr. at the Worst Director of all time competition. This “effort” is about a Russian scientist (Johnson) who is exposed to an atomic blast. Instead of dying, he goes bonkers and starts strangling people very slowly. What’s interesting about the movie is that there isn’t a single line spoken on camera. Every line of dialogue is done as a voice over and the speaker is always either off camera or else so far away that you can’t see their lips moving. The MST treatment of the movie is deservedly harsh, especially concerning Johnson, a huge hulking man who completely lacks acting talent. Since Beast is so short, they watch two shorts before it and have quite a time of it, especially on Progress Island USA, which is desperate plea for increased tourism to Puerto Rico. The sketches are fun, one has future MST villain Pehl playing one of five trailer dwellers who bother Nelson and the bots with their loud music and partying. A great episode.
Grade: A-
June 12
Movie: Jason and the Argonauts (2000)
Cast: Jason London, Natasha Henstridge, Dennis Hopper, Derek Jacobi, Frank Langella, Adrian Lester, Olivia Williams
Thoughts: Made for TV adaptation in the same spirit as Arabian Nights and The 10th Kingdom, except that it’s made by different people. The story is relatively familiar, Jason (London, in a great performance) goes in search for the golden fleece and meets up with all manner of mythological terrors. There’s Poseidon, a giant made out of stone who lives in the ocean and causes tidal waves with each step. Then there’s the island of women who sacrifice every man they come across, then the so called harpies that look more like gargoyles, the mechanical bull and others. The effects are similar to those in Nights and Kingdom, which is to say that they’re interesting but most are obviously effects. It’s a great story that’s well made and acted, Hopper especially has fun as the villain who, unfortunately, only appears sporadically.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Arabian Nights: B+; The 10th Kingdom: B+
June 11
Movie: Stiff Upper Lips (1999)
Cast: Prunella Scales, Georgina Cates, Samuel West, Brian Glover, Peter Ustinov
Thoughts: This spoof of costume dramas, like Howards End and The Remains of the Day, is surprisingly clever in some parts. The early scenes, like the one where Cates’ bodice is tightened with a crank, made me worry that it was going to be about as funny as other recent spoofs, like Spy Hard and Wrongfully Accused. But the writing gets much better quickly and, while it never reaches the genre’s high points, I did laugh out loud in a few places. The plot is standard for the genre being spoofed - Cates is pursued by multiple suitors and responds by constantly traveling. Scales, best known for Fawlty Towers, is perfect here, she’d be just as good in a straight costume drama. Ustinov, who gets top billing, doesn’t appear until past the half way point, but he does have the film’s best line: “I wish Cedric were more like you, Edward. He’s such a queer fellow, and you’re always so gay.” The great cast and, eventually, funny screenplay would make this a good double bill with any of the movie’s being mocked.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Howards End: A; The Remains of the Day: A-; Spy Hard: D; Wrongfully Accused: C-
Movie: More Police Squad! (1985)
Cast: Leslie Nielsen, Alan North, William Shatner, Robert Goulet, William Conrad, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dick Clark, Tommy Lasorda, K Callan, Dick Miller
Thoughts: More spoofery! This is the second compilation tape of the all too brief television series Police Squad!, created by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker, that would become the basis for the Naked Gun films. The first episode has Frank Drebin (Nielsen) investigating a series of bombings, the second is about a kidnapping, the third is about a murder. Of course, the plots are mere vehicles for the relentless onslaught of silly gags. Your appreciation will depend on your taste in comedy, but if you liked the style and humour of Airplane!, Top Secret!, Hot Shots! or The Naked Gun, this tape is a must see. Keep your eyes open or you’ll miss something good. Try not to pay too much attention when a white guy is refered to as “Nordberg.”
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Naked Gun: B+; Airplane!: A; Top Secret!: B+; Hot Shots!: B+
June 10
Movie: Romper Stomper (1993)
Cast: Russell Crowe, Daniel Pollock, Jacqueline McKenzie, Alex Scott
Thoughts: This Australian skinhead drama met with mixed critical reaction and a so-so art house box office take when it was released in North America. In Australia, however, it did relatively big business, and won three awards at that year’s Australian Film Institute Awards, including a very deserving Best Actor trophy for Crowe. If it hadn’t been for Strictly Ballroom, Baz Luhrmann’s overrated debut, it probably would have made a clean sweep. Romper concerns a gang of skinheads, led by Crowe, who beat the crap out of some minorities until they’re outnumbered, at which time they run for their lives. They lose a few members and their hideout is burned down so they hijack a huge warehouse. The violence and racism are meant to be disturbing and they achieve that, but the movie turns into a standard love-against-all-odds story part way through that nearly undoes all of the intensity. Fortunately, Crowe is made entirely of intensity and he keeps the movie from becoming boring. Comparing his work here to his performance in, say, 1991’s Proof is almost impossible, the characters are so vastly different. Some may argue that he didn’t deserve an Oscar for last year’s Gladiator, but he deserved one for nearly every performance leading up to it.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Strictly Ballroom: B-; Proof: A+
Movie: Tales From the Crypt (1972)
Cast: Joan Collins, Ian Hendry, Peter Cushing, Patrick Magee, Ralph Richardson
Thoughts: Not to be confused with the more recent Tales From the Crypt TV show, this film is a collection of stories that are more closely related to the popular comic book. Richardson is the non-skeletal crypt keeper who foretells the future of the poor dopes who wander into his chamber. The first story has Collins murdering her husband on Christmas Eve. The poetic justice of the recent Crypt is present, of course, so you know she’s going to get hers. Other stories involve infidelity, cruelty and selfishness, and all the mean people get their own comeuppance. The presence of Collins, Cushing (who played a married couple in Dead in the Night) and Magee aren’t the only similarity to Hammer films. The tone is virtually identical, the filmmakers were probably fans of the British studio that made some of the most arty horror films of the 50’s and 60’s. There’s some phony looking gore and you’ll see the scares coming a mile away, and you’ll probably be able to guess how some of the stories will end, but these actors all know exactly what they’re doing and it’s a pleasure to watch them.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Dead in the Night: B+
June 9
Movie: Gorath (1964)
Cast: None credited
Thoughts: I was home on a Saturday afternoon and saw in the TV Guide that the Space network was running a Japanese movie called Gorath. Assuming it would be about some big monster wreaking havoc, I tuned in. Turns out, Gorath is a big ball of molten rock hurtling through space towards Earth. According to most sources, the movie was made in 1964 and is set in the distant, far off year of 1979. A Japanese spaceship investigates a disturbance in the orbit of Pluto and discover Gorath, which is half the size of Earth and 6000 times Earth’s mass. It is quickly determined that Gorath is on it’s way to us and unless we do something, we’re all doomed. The movie’s best, and only, joke is when a Japanese guy says that they should just leave it all up to the Americans, like with everything else. But since the movie was made in Japan, they use their initiative to come up with the brilliant plan of scooting Earth just a little bit out of it’s orbit via rocket boosters planted firmly in the South Pole. I’m not giving anything away to say that the plan works, but when the question of how to get Earth back into it’s orbit is brought up, it’s never answered. The subplot is a standard monster movie romance, where the guy is annoying and the girl is a snob. Comparisons to Armageddon, Deep Impact and even Meteor, which was actually made in 1979, are warranted, but the effects in Gorath are the same you’d see in a Godzilla movie, only there’s no Godzilla around to make proper use of them. It’s a bad movie, but not entirely joyless.
Grade: C-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Armageddon: B-; Deep Impact: B+; Meteor: D; Godzilla: C-
Movie: Mystery Science Theater 3000: Village of the Giants (Experiment #523)
Cast: (MST3K) Michael J. Nelson, Frank Conniff, Trace Beaulieu, voice of Kevin Murphy; (VotG) Tommy Kirk, Beau Bridges, Johnny Crawford, Ronny Howard, Toni Basil
Thoughts: The opening credits of the movie in this experiment claim that it’s based on H.G. Wells’ Food of the Gods. Tom Servo (Murphy) comments “Yeah, in that they’re both in English.” I’ve seen the 1976 film version of Food of the Gods and I can say, without a doubt, that that movie and Village of the Giants have not very much in common. In Food, goo erupts from the Earth and some animals eat it and get really big. In Village, goo erupts from a beaker in Howard’s laboratory and some animals eat it and get really big. The difference is that in Village some no good punk teenagers also eat the goo and get really big. In some scenes they’re about twice as big as everyone else, in others they’re at least four or five times as big. Mike (Nelson) and the bots give the movie the ridiculing it deserves, especially for the extensive slow motion dance sequences. Meanwhile, Dr. Forrester (Beaulieu) fires Frank (Conniff) and hires Torgo (Nelson, again) to replace him. There’s a very good musical montage of all the times Frank has been killed, and the opening bit has poor Servo getting destroyed by Mike’s medicine ball. Funny intermission sketches and a dumb movie make for a great episode.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Food of the Gods: C
June 8
Movie: Evolution (2001)
Cast: David Duchovny, Orlando Jones, Julianne Moore, Seann William Scott, Ted Levine, Dan Aykroyd, Sarah Silverman
Thoughts: Have you seen the ad for Evolution where Moore fires a gun into the air and Duchovny says “That was so hot!” and then Moore grins at him? That scene isn’t in the movie. I don’t even know where it was supposed to be. It took place on a staircase and I didn’t see a staircase at any point in the movie. I didn’t even realize it until I got home and saw that very ad. Why was it not included in the final cut? It seems perfectly in keeping with the goofiness of the movie, which, by the way, somehow managed to not annoy me. Usually I have a low tolerance for zaniness, but director Ivan Reitman knows exactly what he’s doing, so that when Jones gets sucked up into an alien’s rectum, you almost don’t mind. Moore does more falling down than Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality and Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding combined. Scott is an idiot again, but he’s great at it, so I was all right with that. Duchovny is great, in his first real comedy role (last year’s Return to Me was practically a romantic drama, what with all the death). The aliens themselves look great, even though most of them drop dead the first time they take a breath of Earth’s atmosphere. There’s one great scene where a giant winged alien crashes into a mall, grabs some poor woman in it’s claws and flies around, looking for an exit. The fact that the aliens in this movie look basically the same as the aliens in 1997’s Men in Black (texturally speaking anyway) didn’t even come into my mind until well after the movie ended. I won’t waste time describing the plot, since it’s secondary to the effects and the comedy, but it makes sense while it’s happening. Putting too much thought into your feelings about it won’t help, just sit back, turn off your brain for a little while and enjoy. Great fun.
Grade: A-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: My Best Friends Wedding: B; Return to Me: B; Men in Black: B+
MovieMystery Science Theater 3000: Bride of the Monster (Experiment #423)
Cast: (MST3K) Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, Frank Coniff, voice of Kevin Murphy; (BotM) Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson, Loretta King, Dolores Fuller
Thoughts: This is the 47th MST experiment I’ve had the pleasure of watching. The show never aired here in Canada, that I’m aware, but luckily I’ve stumbled across a couple of American fans who, one for free, the other for a price, are willing to tape episodes and send them to me. I saw the 1996 feature film version when it premiered on cable in 1997 and instantly fell in love with it, watching it four times over the next few days. I’ve seen it several times since and, even though it is by far the shortest experiment, I feel it’s the best. That one starred Michael J. Nelson, but the Bride of the Monster experiment stars Joel Hodgson, the creator and original host of the show. Hodgson is great, but since I saw Nelson first I think I favour him slightly. Sorry if you don’t know the plot of the show, because I’m not going to explain it here. Instead, I’ll just say that the riffing on the movie, considering it’s from the rich mind of Edward D. Wood Jr., is a little sluggish in parts, but when they get on a tangent they’re brilliant. The musical, based on the Chevrolet training film they watch, is very clever, and the bit where they impersonate/make fun of Lugosi’s attempt at menacing facial contortions is great fun. I don’t think the dry docked octopus got the mocking it deserved. Not one of Hodgson’s best, but still funnier than most comedies.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie: A; Bride of the Monster: C-
June 7
Movie: The Filth and the Fury (2000)
Cast: The Sex Pistols
Thoughts: I’m not a fan of the Sex Pistols. There is a lot of performance footage in this documentary, made by Julien Temple, and it did nothing to make me a fan of the band. What I did find interesting was the surprisingly thorough history of how the Sex Pistols came to be. The surviving band members have very good memories of the mid-70’s, when the first put themselves together. They give accounts of their first show, their trip to America, and their downfall. There is footage of the band signing a contract followed by headlines from the very next day about the record company dropping them. Most shocking is John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) tearing up as he talks about his disgust over the reaction to Sid Vicious’ death. It shouldn’t be shocking, Rotten and Vicious were virtually inseparable during the height of their popularity, but given the image he puts forth, you would be surprised at anything other than anger. Temple, mysteriously, keeps the band members in shadows while they talk in the present day. Perhaps it’s just to keep the image of the young Sex Pistols in our minds, perhaps it’s some absurdly arty decision that went right over my head. Regardless, the film is a fascinating portrait of a massive shift in music history, which was orchestrated by one band. As a side note, footage from Planet of Dinosaurs, the first movie I reviewed here in my Daily Movie Watching Journal, is shown. I thought that was pretty cool.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Planet of Dinosaurs: D-
Movie: Full Tilt Boogie (1998)
Cast: Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, George Clooney, Juliette Lewis, Lawrence Bender, Harvey Keitel
Thoughts: The title is never really explained, but I don’t think it matters. This making-of documentary, shot simultaneously with 1996’s From Dusk Till Dawn misses a lot of opportunities. The biggest is when the focus shifts from the crew to Tarantino & Clooney, then to a union dispute. I was really enjoying the interviews with the people who never get to speak publicly about what they do. Then out comes Tarantino, who, for a long while, was difficult to avoid, and Clooney. They obviously got along well, and none of the crew ever says a disparaging remark about either, but short of giving the masses what they want, why bother including some of their scenes, like the spit take attempts? Watching Tarantino’s assistant run around trying to fulfill his every demand (he MUST have a certain coffee mug on set at all times, and he left it at home) was much more interesting. Watching the effects and make-up crews assembling the vampires for the movie, and talking about how Tarantino was so disgusted by one (the one that bites off a guy’s head with its stomach) he refused to ever look at it, was great. The interview with Keitel is more than a little confounding, but Lewis is fun, and she looks like she’s having a lot of it too. And there’s hardly anything about Dawn director Robert Rodriguez, at least hardly anything that doesn’t have him hanging out with Tarantino. By the time the focus returns to the crew, they’ve all turned into comedians, riffing on anything they cast their eyes upon. The movie is good and often insightful, especially the sequence where every crew member interviewed reveals that they’re only in it for the money. I think the movie would have been better if it had been thirty or forty minutes longer.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: From Dusk Till Dawn: B-
June 6
Movie: Night of the Hunter (1955)
Cast: Robert Mitchum, Shelley Winters, Lillian Gish, Peter Graves
Thoughts: The only movie Charles Laughton ever directed is one of the better vastly over rated classic films of all time, if that makes sense. Watching this movie is equivalent to reading several pages of the bible, so much scripture is quoted. Seven years later, Mitchum would play a similar role in the less acclaimed but more enjoyable Cape Fear. That later movie didn’t waste time, as this one does, showing the viewer just how charming and deeply religious the villain is. Hunter also features a completely unrecognizable Winters, so unrecognizable that I’m not sure who she played. I’m pretty sure it was the children’s mother, but I don’t know. The movie is in two parts, the first has to do with Mitchum marrying a young widow (Winters, I think) in an attempt to get to the $10,000 that her husband told him he hid while he and Mitchum were in jail together. Oh, and the husband was hanged for murder. The second half has Mitchum chasing down the widow’s kids, because they have the money. The final scenes of the movie are remarkably unexciting and uninteresting. The town’s people turn against the children for some reason and chase them with weapons and torches, only to give up after a few minutes. Overall it’s an effective drama, but as the thriller it’s trying to be, Night of the Hunter is barely passable.
Grade: B
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Cape Fear: A-
Movie: Bloody Murder (2000)
Cast: Jessica Morris, other equally unknown actors
Thoughts: The generic title pretty much sums up the movie, except there’s hardly any blood. There are plenty of murders, but most are relatively bloodless. The familiar sounding plot has a bunch of idiot teenagers going to Camp Placid Pines to set up for summer camp. They end up getting stalked and killed off by a mysterious killer who wears, get this, a goalie mask. If you’ve seen Friday the 13th, or one of it’s eight sequels, you probably wouldn’t have any trouble guessing who the killer is, even though it’s not along the same lines as the previous film series. The actors are all lousy, the fake-outs are numerous, there’s no gore or skin and the screenplay calls for the characters to constantly repeat each others names, as if to force the viewer to remember them (it didn’t work). All that said, I always give bonus points to movies that are easy to make fun of, and this one was easier than any I’ve seen in a long time. The ending leaves a pretty big open door for a sequel, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see one soon.
Grade: D
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Friday the 13th: C
June 5
Movie: Get Carter (1971)
Cast: Michael Caine, Ian Hendry, Britt Ekland
Thoughts: I don’t know why someone thought a remake of this would be a good comeback role for Sylvester Stallone. I haven’t seen last year’s version, but this one is basically an actor’s showcase for Caine. He plays Jack Carter, the brother of a recently deceased man. Jack believes that his brother was murdered and his investigation is more than a little confusing. I honestly couldn’t tell you who most of the people in the movie were or what Jack thought they did. There’s lots of gratuitous nudity and even extensive footage of soft-core pornography. Critics praised this version quite a bit in their reviews of Stallone’s remake, but I wonder when they last watched it. The movie isn’t really bad, it’s just overly complicated and the plot itself is hidden underneath all of the sex and violence. I enjoyed Dirty Harry much more, even though one could criticize it for the same reasons. Nice performance by Caine, who plays a very unlikable character. Watch it only to compare it to the remake.
Grade: C
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Dirty Harry: B+
Movie: The Night Stalker (1971)
Cast: Darren McGavin, Carol Lynley, Claude Akins, Barry Atwater, Elisha Cook Jr.
Thoughts: My 1971 mini film festival comes to an end with the highest rated TV movie of the year. McGavin is Carl Kolchak, intrepid reporter for the Las Vegas Daily News. He believes that a series of murders in the city have been perpetrated by a vampire, of course everyone else thinks he’s crazy. The story is standard reporter stuff with Kolchak doing all the work while the cops sit around yelling at him for intruding on their ineffectual investigation. Lynley is his live in girlfriend, Akins is the head yelling cop, Atwater is the vampire and somehow Elisha Cook Jr. puts in an appearance as the guy who tells Kolchak where the vampire is. The blackouts that precede each commercial are a little distracting, and the unsatisfying ending hurts the movie as a whole. Maybe it’s the best TV movie that aired in 1971, but I’ve seen scores of superior vampire and reporter movies.
Grade: B
June 4
Movie: Dirty Harry (1971)
Cast: Clint Eastwood, Andrew Robinson, John Vernon, Reni Santoni
Thoughts: Don Siegel directs the first film in Eastwood’s Dirty Harry series, which is the 3rd that I’ve seen, after 1988’s The Dead Pool and 1976’s The Enforcer. This entry concerns a sniper (Robinson, wonderfully over the top and frightening) who ransoms San Fransisco with threats of killing random citizens. Harry Callahan is put on the case, assigned a partner he doesn’t want or need and breaks all the rules to bring in the bad guy. The difference is that none of that seems like a cliché, even though this is one of the movies that solidified the cop thriller clichés. The first two thirds are relatively standard (although the section where the kidnapper leads Callahan on a tour of the city is very exciting and has since been redone in 1996’s Ransom and 2001’s Along Came a Spider), but the final third of the movie comes as a bit of a shock. Eastwood already had the character down perfectly, borrowing from characters he had played in westerns to create this stunningly original (at the time) detective. If you don’t already know, this is the one where Harry asks the punk if he feels lucky.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: The Dead Pool: B+; The Enforcer: B+; Ransom: A
Movie: Play it to the Bone (1999)
Cast: Antonio Banderas, Woody Harrelson, Lolita Davidovitch, Tom Sizemore, Robert Wagner, Lucy Liu, Richard Masur
Thoughts: If you want to continue to think of Ron Shelton as a respectable film maker, avoid Play it to the Bone at all costs. The director of Bull Durham and the surprisingly enjoyable golf comedy Tin Cup tries his hand at directing a boxing picture and ends up with something worse than 1996’s The Great White Hype, which he wrote. Any trace of the great actor Harrelson was on the way to becoming after The People Vs. Larry Flynt is long gone, and Banderas is no better. Davidovitch is wasted in the sassy girlfriend role, Liu puts in an appearance but amounts to nothing, and Sizemore, Wagner and Masur all play caricatures of real characters that existed in superior films. The plot has Harrelson and Banderas travelling to Las Vegas to fight each other in one of those matches that takes place before anybody cares what’s going on. The trip there is tedious and by the time they arrive you’ll be screaming for an ending, any ending. The fight itself would have been more impressive if the outcome hadn’t been so telegraphed, and if it hadn’t followed such a lousy road movie.
Grade: D+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Bull Durham: B; Tin Cup: B; The Great White Hype: C-; The People Vs. Larry Flynt: A
June 3
Movie: Dollman Vs. Demonic Toys (1993)
Cast: Tim Thomerson, Tracy Scoggins, Melissa Behr
Thoughts: The Full Moon production company teams up it’s most popular characters from their previous films, Dollman and Demonic Toys, and throws in a shrunken nurse from Bad Channels. Dollman (Thomerson) is an alien cop who, when he arrives on Earth, discovers that he’s one sixth the size of humans. Scoggins was the star of Demonic Toys, in which she played a cop who stumbled upon a demon who was using toys in an abandoned factory to help him take over the world. Bad Channels was about an alien who shrunk four women but was defeated before he could take them back to his planet. Three of the women were returned to normal, the other one (Behr) appears here. And that’s just what you need to know to understand what’s going on when the movie starts. At just barely an hour long, the movie still pads it’s time with extensive flashbacks to the earlier films. Most of the toys killed off in their first movie appear again, looking like they're fresh out of the box, and the pregnancy that was so important to the earlier film is barely mentioned. The effects are just as obvious as they’ve always been, but you don’t watch this type of movie to be dazzled. The film, as with all of Full Moon’s efforts, is followed by VideoZone, a preview of upcoming films from the studio. It runs 35 minutes and is basically a lengthy advertisement - two of the previews before the film are repeated here. It also features a short making of documentary on Dollman Vs. Demonic Toys and interviews with the director and the cast. Don’t watch it before the movie though, it gives away important plot details.
Grade: C+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Demonic Toys: C-
Movie: Frankenweenie (1984)
Cast: Barret Oliver, Shelley Duvall, Daniel Stern, Joseph Maher, Paul Bartel
Thoughts: One of two short films, the other being Vincent, that Tim Burton made for Disney before his feature debut, 1985’s Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. It’s basically a 27 minute version of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein with Oliver playing a young Victor Frankenstein living in modern day suburbia. Victor’s dog Sparky is hit by a car one day and is then brought back to life. The neighbours react violently, there’s a fire at a windmill, but everything ends well. Burton’s visuals are immediately recognizable and it’s interesting to note that he had his masterful story telling ability even then. The brevity of the film only leaves you wanting more.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure: A
June 2
Movie: Arabian Nights (2000)
Cast: Mili Avital, Alan Bates, Tcheky Karyo, Jason Scott Lee, John Leguizamo, Vanessa Mae, Dougray Scott, Rufus Sewell, Alexei Sayle, Oded Fehr
Thoughts: An edited to 140 minutes version of the ABC mini-series from May last year, Arabian Nights tells the familiar story of a man who vows to murder his new wife the morning after their wedding. She saves herself by telling him stories that end with a cliffhanger so he’ll let her live until the next night to hear how it comes out. The first story is Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves, with Sewell as Baba. It’s a widely known tale, but this version is easily better than any I’ve seen before. It’s followed by the comic relief story of a hunchback comedian (Sayle) who chokes on a fish bone while dining with friends. Instead of risking getting blamed for the death, the friends try to frame a doctor for the death. The doctor believes he is guilty of murder so he frames someone else, and so on. It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s, only funny. The usually under used Lee plays Aladdin in the next story, a less glossy version of the famous Disney film. Leguizamo plays two vastly different genies in the story, one is a meek, chubby, annoying genie, the other is a gray, ghostly, powerful genie. They’re like Robin Williams’ take on the character split in two. The final story is about three battling brothers sent on a quest by their father. The ultimate lesson is that they work better together, and when they finally learn that they end up saving their father’s life. The worst effect in the movie is in this story, but it’s forgotten immediately after it ends. The wrap around story stars Avital as the woman who nearly sacrifices herself in an attempt to teach the Sultan (Scott) to trust again. I wish I could have seen the full length version, but this shortened version is still visually captivating and completely engrossing, despite the familiarity.
Grade: B+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Aladdin: A-; Weekend at Bernies: D
June 1
Movie: Planet of Dinosaurs (1980)
Cast: Louie Lawless, James Whitworth
Thoughts: The box this movie came in said it was called “Planet of the Dinosaurs.” So did the few reviews of it I was able to find, and the outside of the tape itself. The opening and closing titles of the movie both leave the word “the” out of it, though. It’s a minor point, but the fact that whoever made the box didn’t bother looking at the movie for the correct title is indicative of the film’s ineptness. It starts off with a really lousy explosion effect, which leaves seven astronauts (and the vice president of the company they work for, and his secretary) on a collision course with a strange new planet. I assumed it would be a simple Planet of the Apes rip-off, until the Jaws rip-off scene, which goes so far as to use the shark attack music. Then it just ripped off any and all caveman movies it could think of. The actors all sound like they’re reading their lines for the first time, the direction seems to be nothing but “crouch here and say something,” and the stop motion dinosaur effects make Roger Corman’s Carnosaur look like Jurassic Park. Fortunately, the most irritating character is killed off relatively quickly (he’s impaled by a triceratops, turned into a claymation figure and thrown off a cliff, where he lands very gently on the rocks below), but that just makes the other characters more annoying. It’s saved from my lowest allowable rating by it’s laughable attempt at a futuristic Casio score and the fact that it’s really easy to make fun of.
Grade: D-
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Planet of the Apes: B+; Jaws: B+; Carnosaur: B-; Jurassic Park: A
Movie: Octopus (2000)
Cast: Jay Harrington, David Beecroft, Carolyn Lowery, Ravil Isyanov
Thoughts: When I casually mentioned that I saw a straight to video monster movie called Octopus at my local video store, a friend of mine who had seen it tried to warn me away from it by declaring it one of the worst movies he had ever seen. But that just turned it into a must-see. As it turns out, Octopus isn’t even the worst I’ve seen today, but that’s not saying anything. It opens in 1962 as a Russian sub dumps some toxic waste in the ocean, fast forward to present day when a captured terrorist (Isyanov, one of 14 cast members whose last name ends with the letter V), fresh from blowing up an American embassy, is being transferred to the US aboard a submarine. Naturally, the sub passes over said dumping ground and is attacked by the giant mutant octopus that lives there. The octopus effects are surprisingly good at times, and at other times they look as bad as digital effects can look. The irritating dialogue (which often allows the characters to spout attempted witty remarks in times of extreme tension) and clichéd characters contribute to the awfulness of the production. Harrington plays the world’s most incompetent government agent (he’s incapable of firing his weapon in any situation), Beecroft plays a generic renegade sub commander (he once ran a nuclear sub aground just to catch some bad guys) and Lowery is the token woman on the sub who exists solely to strip to her underwear every time the production starts to approach respectability. The last 10 minutes takes place on a cruise ship, just so the production can add 1998’s Deep Rising to the list of movies it rips off. Jaws, Piranha and Das Boot (!) are also on that list. I’m glad I saw it (I love lousy monster movies) but I won’t recommend it, or ever watch it again.
Grade: D+
Other movies mentioned that I’ve seen: Deep Rising: B; Jaws: B+; Das Boot: B+