The Blair Whitman Project

 

 

 

Adapted from the film: The Blair Witch Project

 

 

 

Screenplay by Michael Fox

 

Written for the Charles P. Allen High School Pep Rally

 

 

 

 

 

TITLE CARD (aligned at the left):

 

The Blair Whitman Project

 

CUT IN:

INT.         -           STUDENT'S COUNCIL OFFICE        -          DAY

Camera begins pointed downwards and quickly pulls up revealing a young girl, blinding in her beauty, Donna Safatli, Student's Council President. She is making posters for the Pep Rally while local moron, Ryan Cox is behind the camera, sticking it in her face, and making snooty remarks.

 

COX

(from behind camera)

                  There she is, Queen Donna! Ruler of all that you see.

 

DONNA

                  Oh don't tell me you're still jealous because I won the

                  election.

 

COX

                  Jealous? Why should I be jealous? I'm Ryan Cox!

 

DONNA

                  Would you put that camera down and give me a hand

                  with these posters?

 

COX

                  Naw, I don't think so. I'm perfectly comfortable here.

                  Besides, I've gotta be documentating this entire school

                  year. Ya never know what we might need to use in the

                  Video Yearbook.

 

DONNA

                  Well, when you're through documentating, there's stuff

                  that needs to be done if you don't mind.

 

Now we cut out to a CINEMA camera angle and see Ryan holding the camera. He switches it off and gives Donna a hand.

 

COX

                  Alright your magesty.

 

CUT TO:

INT.        -         MAIN OFFICE        -        DAY

The P.A. system is switched on and familier mouth moves in towards the microphone.

 

WHITMAN

                  Steve Yorke to the main office please. Steve Yorke to the

                  main office!

 

CUT TO:

INT.        -          STEVE'S CLASS       -       DAY

Steve Yorke hears the call, smiles, puts on his 200 hundred dollar sunglasses and struts his way to the door. Suddenly he is interupted by his nagging teacher, Ms. O'Leary.

 

O'LEARY

                  And just where do you think you're going Mr. Yorke?

 

STEVE

                  Duty calls baby!

 

70s funk music plays as Steve struts his way down to the main office.

CUT TO:

INT.          -           WHITMAN'S OFFICE            -          DAY

Steve Yorke is sitting in a chair across from Mr. Whitman and Whitman begins to speak.

 

WHITMAN

                  Alright, let me be frank Mr. Yorke.

 

STEVE

                  Shoot.

 

WHITMAN

                  It's obvious that we're having some problems. We've got

                  Charlotte Jewer making some fruity activities in the gym,

                  we've got Ryan Cox supporting them, we've got Pep Rally

                  movies about the Student's Council running around Sack-

                  ville High thinking they're funny.

 

STEVE

                  Yeah, but whatcha gonna do about it?

 

WHITMAN

                  And to top it all off, we're gonna lose some of our students.

 

STEVE

                  How so?

 

WHITMAN

                  The Fall River High School!!!

 

STEVE

                  Oh yeah, the big seperation......

 

WHITMAN

                  They may be going to a different school, but once a

                  Cheetah, always a cheetah, right!

 

STEVE

                  I suppose.

 

WHITMAN

                  I must tell you the story of the WITCH!

 

STEVE

                  Witch, eh?

DISSOLVE TO:

FLASHBACK

EXT.        -          WOODS         -         DAY

Frolicking through the woods with his two friends and his camera around his neck is young Mr. Whitman

 

WHITMAN (V.O.)

                  When I was younger, I set out with my friends to do

                  a school video project about the legend of the witch.

 

Whitman and his friends come across an elderly looking gentleman, stick the camera in his face and interview him.

 

WHITMAN

                  Hi-a there good sir. Could you-a tell-a us anything

                  you know-a about-a the Blair Witch??

 

MAN

                  Blair Witch! Blair Witch!!! The Blair Witch is evil!

 

WHITMAN

                  Have you-a ever seen her?

 

MAN

                  Yes. Once. It was a cold night. I saw the witch, she

                  invited me in for COCO. She seemed really nice, and

                  then she CUT OFF MY THUMBS!!!!!!!!

 

The man hold up his hands revealing stubs where thumbs used to be. Whitman and his friends run away screaming.

 

CUT TO:

EXT.          -           WOODS           -            DAY

Whitman and his friends have been walking for hours and then come across a GINGER BREAD HOUSE.

 

WHITMAN

                  Aye! This looks like-a the witch's house let's snack

                  on it!

 

KID

                  Oh, I don't want to I already ate.

 

WHITMAN

                  Hey!!! You are getting to skinny, you've got to eat!!

 

WITCH

                  What are you doing to my house ya little jabronies?

 

Cut to eye view of the camera.

 

WHITMAN

                  Quickly get this on-a film!

 

One of the kids is facing a tree with his back turned. (like in Blair Witch)

 

WHITMAN

                  EH!!! What are you-a doing you stupid jerk?

 

The camera falls to the ground as the kid holding it is slain.

 

CUT TO:

INT.              -            WHITMAN'S OFFICE            -          DAY

A quick cut back to the office. Steve Yorke is on the edge of his seat soaking up every word while Whitman continues.

 

WHITMAN

                  Both of my friends were slain by the Blair Witch.

 

STEVE

                  Oh man. What did you do?

 

WHITMAN

                  I did what any man would've done in my place.

 

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK

EXT.              -            WOODS             -             DAY

The Blair Witch holds up her broom and prepares to grab young Mr. Whitman. Whitman runs for it screaming. As he continues to run he suddenly stops in utter fear at the sight that is infront of him.

 

MICHAEL JACKSON

                  Come here little boy! I gotta special surprise for you!

                  AAAA-------HEEEE HEEEE!

 

Whitman turns around and runs in the opposite direction but comes face to face with the Blair Witch.

 

MICHAEL JACKSON

                  Billy Jean is not my lover! She's just the girl that tells

                  me I am the one......but the kid is not my son........

 

Whitman is cornered. With no where to turn he looks up and sees a large box floating in the air with a question mark on it. He jumps up, hits it and out pops a FIRE FLOWER. Whitman then morphs into FIRE WHITMAN and toasts his predators.

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.            -          WHITMAN'S OFFICE             -            DAY

Whitman finishes his story, much to Steve's delight.

 

WHITMAN

                  For years the Blair Witch hasn't been seen. But now she

                  threatens us once again. She's been spotted haunting

                  the Fall River High School. I need you and the rest of the

                  student's council to hunt the witch down.

 

STEVE

                  You got it.

 

CUT TO:

INT.           -           STUDENT'S COUNCIL OFFICE           -             DAY

The vast majority of the Student's Council, including but not limited to Jonathan, Olivia, Cox, Donna, and Briana is seated listening to Steve's story with worried looks on their faces.

 

DONNA

                  Hmmm. So it looks as though we're going on a witch

                  hunt.

 

COX

                  That witch won't be able stop me.

 

JONATHAN

                  Why not?

 

COX

                  Because nobody beats Cox!

 

OLIVIA

                  Alright so what's the plan?

 

BRIANNA

                  Simple we go to the Fall River High School, find the

                  witch and burn her at the stake!

 

BATHURST

                  I think she deserves a fair trial.

 

JONATHAN

                  Yah. Throw into the sea, if she floats, BURN HER! If

                  she dies......well at least she died honorably.

 

CHARLOTTE

                  Would you stop this mindless chatter! We've got to

                  be serious. How are we going to fight this thing?

 

COX

                  Yah. We're gonna need some WEAPONS. Where can

                  we get some WEAPONS????

 

CUT TO:

INT.              -              COLE HARBOUR HIGH SCHOOL         -         DAY

The Council are in the Weapons Bunker of Cole Harbour. Guiding them is ex-CPA teacher, Mr. Goora.

 

GOORA

                  This here is your M-16 rifle with Laser Sighting, its got

                  accuracy like you wouldn't believe. And this here is your

                  9mm oozi with RED PAINTED tip so the cops think its

                  FAKE!

 

BATHURST

                  Fully Automatic?!

 

GOORA

                  NO!!!!! Semi-Automatic!!!! Fully Automatic is illeagal

                  ya dope!

 

STEVE

                  I really appreciate you helping us out Mr. Goora.

 

GOORA

                  Yah no problem. Take whatever you need. I got a Bazooka

                  in my truck, you guys need that?

 

DONNA

                  No that's alright.

 

GOORA

                  This here is a rare gem. A Light Sabre weilded by the great

                  Charles P. Allen himself.

 

JONATHAN

                  Right on, I'll take that!

 

DONNA

                  Alright let's get a move on. RYAN!!!

 

COX

                  What?

 

DONNA

                  Are you bringing the camera along?

 

COX

                  Hell yeah. I've gotta documentate this entire experience!

 

CUT TO:

EXT.              -                WOODS             -              EVENING

We are in the view of the camera held by Ryan Cox, who speaks from behind the camera. The Student's Council are armed and ready with their weapons. Charlotte has a worried and deathly afraid look on her face, Donna and Brianna are brave and look stone cold, while Steve is struting, witch or no witch.

 

COX

                  Now as you can see, we are venturing deep into the woods

                  in search of the Witch.

 

CHARLOTTE

                  Donna are you sure you don't have the map?

 

DONNA

                  I'm positive.

 

CHARLOTTE

                  Because I'd really feel a whole lot better if you'd just tell

                  me you have it.

 

BRIANNA

                  We don't need the map!

 

BATHURST

                  Yah! We'll be fine on our own.

 

CHARLOTTE

                  This is ludicrious!!! We need the map.

 

Steve Yorke begins to laugh hysterically. Donna gives him a look.

 

DONNA

                  What's so funny?

 

CHARLOTTE

                  Yah, what's so funny?

 

STEVE

(laughing)

                  I used the map to wipe my ass!!! And then I threw it in the

                  RIVER!!!!

 

CHARLOTTE

                  Oh God I hope he's kidding......

 

Steve continues to laugh.

 

CHARLOTTE

                  How could you?

 

STEVE

                  We diddn't need the map!!!

 

Jonathan Saunders calls out from the distance.

 

JONATHAN

                  Hey EVERYONE!!! Look at this!!

 

Jonathan leads the crew over and shows them what he has found. It is a pile of rocks all stacked up in a pyramid shape, (like in Blair Witch).

 

DONNA

                  Oh my God. Could someone be stalking us?!

 

BATHURST

                  Look at the accurate structure......

 

COX

(sarcastically)

                  You're right, no human being could stack rocks like this.

 

Suddenly the council jumps as they here the HEE HEE HEE of a witch coming from a distance.

 

CHARLOTTE

                  Oh no!! It's the Witch!!

 

JONATHAN

                  We're doomed!!!

 

STEVE

                  Good bye folks. Let me know how it turns out!!

 

Charlotte, Jonathan, and Steve run away screaming at the top of their lungs in utter fear. The Witch continues to laugh.

 

DONNA

                  Look there's the school. We'll seek refudge in there.

 

Donna and the rest run towards the Fall River High School.

 

CUT TO:

INT.           -            FALL RIVER HIGH SCHOOL          -            DAY

Thc council are now inside the school and safe. Each of them tale a moment to catch their breath after a long and strenuous run from the witch. Ryan Cox is the first to speak.

 

COX

                  We're safe.

 

WITCH

                  Not for long C.P. Allen jabronies!!!

 

DONNA

                  AHH!! The Witch!!!

 

Behind them is another BLAIR WITCH (played by the same actress of course).

 

BRIANNA

                  Oh no. There's another one!

 

WITCHES

                  We're gonna cook some council for or supper tonight!!

 

BATHURST

                  Which witch is which?!?!

 

COX

                  Just shoot them BOTH!!!

 

The council unload their artillery on the witches and blow them to smitherines.

 

BATHURST

                  Damn I'm out of ammo!

 

One of the Witches begins to mold back together like in T2 and eventually reforms.

 

COX

                  Ezekiel 25:17 Blessed his he who shepperds the week

                  through the valley of Darkness, for he is truly his

                  brother's keeper........BLAH BLAH BLAH....

 

Ryan Cox shoots the Blair Witch multiple times.

 

COX

                  Nobody beats COX!!!

 

CUT TO:

INT.             -             CHARLES P. ALLEN HIGH SCHOOL           -           DAY

The council stands before Mr. Whitman recieving recognition for a job well done. Steve Yorke is still wimpering like a baby.

 

WHITMAN

                  I would like to congradulate you for a job well done. Now

                  the Fall River-ites will have nothing to fear. And as for

                  you Steve Yorke you little chicken.

 

Mr. Whitman punches Steve Yorke in the kidneys. Steve falls to the ground crying like a little helpless lamb trying to grow some wool.

 

DONNA

                  Thank you Mr. Whitman. But it's all in a day's work for

                  the Student's Council!!!

 

WHITMAN

                  Yeah right.

 

Suddenly the WITCH bursts in the door, foaming from the mouth.

 

WITCH

                  DIE JABRONIES!!!!!!

 

BATHURST

                  QUICK. Get some water like in the Wizard of OZ!!!

 

Donna runs to the Water Fountain and switches it on.....but only small droplets are squirting out.

 

DONNA

                  Darn it.

 

WHITMAN

                  Oh nice work keeping the school in order STUDENT'S

                  COUNCIL!!!!! I wonder where our money's going.

 

Whitman takes a good look at Jonathan Bathurst. Suddenly a delivery boy walks up to Bathurst and hands him a gold necklass.

 

DELIVERY BOY

                  Here's the 14 carrot necklass you ordered Mr. Bathurst.

 

BATHURST

                  What?! Ummmm I diddn't order this. Somebody's pulling

                  a prank on me....

 

Ryan Cox runs in with a bucket of water.

 

COX

                  Everybody can relax. I found the water.

 

Ryan Cox throws the water at the witch but she ducks and it splahes all over Donna Safatli.

 

DONNA

                  Way to go Ryan.

 

WHITMAN

                  Enough WITCH!!! You and I shall settle this one on one.

 

Whitman rips his shirt off exposing a T-shirt with the words "Pure Whit" written on it. He then readies himself for battle. The witch runs at him screaming but Whitman beats the living shit out of her.

 

WHITMAN

                  There that'll teach you to mess with the CPA cheetahs.

 

CUT TO:

EXT.             -               CPA PARKING LOT            -              DAY

The witch is laid out on the road just infront of CPA. About 50 feet away from her is Charles The Cheetah sitting in his car. Charles shifts it into high gear and drives right over the witch, turning her into a PANKAKE SAND-WITCH. Cheetah gives a thumbs up to Mr. Whitman who then retaliates with his pattened DOUBLE thumbs up.

 

FADE OUT:

ENDING CREDIT SESSION