Time for an intergalactic match up straight from the Star Wars period. The hairy might of Chewbacca Vs the annoying, racially slanted twitterings of Jar Jar Binks.
Ext. Naboo Jungle.
Jar Jar: Meesa Jar Jar Binks, meesa Gungan... you wanna see meesa toys?
Jar Jar: Yousa hairy.
Enter Han Solo.
Han: What's going on Chewie? I've gotta find me that Queen chick.
Han: Nah, I've had enough of princesses.
Han: I don't care how old she is - I'm a space pirate, remember - I'm not supposed to have morals. I'm the character everyone liked from the original trilogy, with a sense of danger that all the women loved and a cocky, self-assured attitude which made all the guys wanna be me - not to mention a sense of humour to act as a counterpoint for the stuffy Jedi principles, Rebel agendas and mechanical droids. Yeah, me, Chewie, R2D2 and C3PO, we were a funny team with different, likeable personalities. Unfortunately there was only that scottish guy doing an Alec Guinness impression in Episode 1 and that big Irish guy without any character depth whatsoever - just Jedi mumblings.
Jar Jar: Hi, meesa Jar Jar Binks. Meesa gungan - whosa you? Meesa know where Queen is...
Han: What the hell did it just say? It just sounded like a load of noise.
Han: I know Chewie.
Han: Ha! That's pretty funny Chewie.
Jar Jar: You wanna see meesa toys? Theysa better than yousa toys from sa 80s. Meesa toy speaks!
Han: What the f*ck did he just say?
Han: Kill him Chewie!
Jar Jar: No! Meesa frightened. Meesa no wannaa dieeee!
5 year-old kid: Jar Jar's funny.
Chewbacca grabs Jar Jar and breaks his neck with a crunch. 5 year-old kid starts to cry and is scarred for life. Han shoots Jar Jar a few times with his blaster for good measure.
Han: Ah, fried gungan.
Han: Chicken, apparently.
George Lucas: You can't do that! I was gonna make millions from his toys after Episode 2.
Han: Well said Chewie. You should have thought about that before alienating your entire audience from the original trilogy by turning Episode 1 into a cartoon standard piece of crap which was really just a vehicle to sell your crappy toys without the charm, depth or originality of episodes 4-6.
George: Umm, my kids liked it...
Han shoots George Lucas. Everybody is happy except for 5 year old children. There is a big celebration of the death of Jar Jar and Lucas on the planet Naboo. Chewie and Han get medals. The Universe is a safe and happy place once more.
The Winner: Chewbacca!
ConclusionSo Jar Jar lost. What did you expect? A hairy eight foot killing machine against an annoying racial stereotype used as an object to attract five year-old kids to the films and toys. Wookies rule!
(C)David Parry, April 2000
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