A scary match up - arguably two of the most interesting and eloquent serial killers of film history, or perhaps the two most annoying killers that wouldn't just shut up and kill someone - Hannibal Lecter Vs Screamkiller.

Vs

Int. Happy Subarban House, night time.

Screamkiller: What the f*ck are you doing here.

Hannibal: I'm slaughtering the proprieters of this household because I am a pure sociopathic killer. At least, I would be if you hadn't shown up. What are you doing here?

Screamkiller: I'm killing these people 'cos I just phoned them and I'm parodying other horror movies by using remarkably similar methods but adding an element of "smart-arse".

Hannibal: How childish.

Screamkiller: It's not childish! It's ironic and post-modern. Just don't tell anyone that they're paying to see a movie which rips off all the movies they've seen before.

Hannibal: But doesn't your script make a big thing about pointing that out?

Screamkiller: Yeah, but people are stupid and think it's original.

Hannibal: Oh.

Screamkiller: Anyway - Rule one of a horror moovie character face-off: Th-

Hannibal: I'm just going to kill you in a cold but rather interesting and novel way.

Screamkiller: Hey buttfucker, don't interrupt the rules!

Hannibal: How old are you? Take that mask off.

Screamkiller: No way. Anyway, rule 1: There's always a prolonged stand-off in which one of the chara-

Hannibal stabs Screamkiller in the gut with his own knife which he had laid down so he could expostulate annoyingly while explaining the rules. Screamkiller falls to the floor oosing blood.

Hannibal: Now for some fun.

Suddenly, and without warning, Screamkiller sits up, pulling the knife from his gut, and stabs Hannibal in the chest.

Hannibal: You little bastard!

Screamkiller: You should have let me get to Rule 5: The first kill is never a true kill - the "dead" character will rise when you're not expecting it and attack.

Hannibal: These rules are just an attempted rebellion against past pop-culture which is ironically leading you back into the sarcastic pop-culture of today.

Screamkiller: No! This is an ironic stab, no pun intended, at the tired formula of horror movies which-

Hannibal: No, you're just ripping horror movies off in such a manner that everyone thinks you're being clever so as to regenerate people's interest in a dead and forgotten movie genre.

Screamkiller: It's not true! (Voice cracking as if about to break into tears) We're mocking them...

Hannibal: You wake up sometimes, don't you, to hear the laughter of your peers who tease and mock you for your love of horror movies-

Screamkiller: (crying) No! Horror movies are cool again now!

Hannibal: You hear them laughing and you cry. You cry because you remember the bullying and you cry out of fear that soon horror movies will be out of fashion again and the bullying will start once more.

Screamkiller: They'll never be out of fashion - we'll just keep making scream movies and they'll always be in fashion and -

Hannibal: But soon Scream movies will be out of fashion too and you'll - uhh...

A huge carving knife protudes out of Hannibal's gut. Behind him, in the shadows is Michael Myers from the Halloween movies, hoisting Hannibal's body up with the knife.

Hannibal: Uhhgh...

Screamkiller: Oh crap! It's Rule 36: Sometimes if the action is getting repetitive another more or equally famous killer will intervene... Um, sorry dude, wrong house... I'll just be leaving...

Hannibal: How many of these rule are there?

Myers throws Hannibal to the ground and grabs the snivelling teenager - AKA the Screamkiller - by the throat.

Screamkiller: (Choking)You're... you're so... so out of the times man.

Hannibal: You fool... He started it all... you owe everything to him... his new film will probably do better than yours... your films just paved the way for his 7th......uhh... (dies)

Screamkiller: NO! It's not true. This is not happening!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Myers: ...

Myers raises his carving knife above his head and brings it down on Screamkillers head. Blood splatters across the screen.

The Winner: Michael Myers!

Conclusion

So they may both be more eloquent than Myers but you've gotta remember your roots. Being talkative is fine but when you're killing learn from the master - just shut up and kill! Myers is a proper, back to basics killer without any of the namby pamby talking shit, and he had the mask thing down long before either of those two showed up. Just goes to show that you can't keep a good man down.

(C)David Parry, April 2000

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