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Film Fights

So, who can we start with? What match up is worthy to start this site. Well, it has to be the clash of the action movie titans - John McLane (Bruce Willis in Die Hard trilogy) Vs. the Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger.)


Int. Abandoned Offices in F*cking Big Skyscraper.

McLane: F*ck!

Terminator: ...

McLane: F*ck!

Terminator: ...

McLane: F*ckity f*ck f*ck... F*CK!!

Terminator: ...

The Terminator advances towards McLaiine, unemotionally.

McLane: F*CK!!

Terminator: ...

McLane proceeds to empty his handgun into the Terminator. There is no effect, just a plinking metal sound. He proceeds to empty the same gun into the Terminator again somehow without reloading. The Terminator is unemotional.

McLane: f*ck...

Terminator: ...

The Terminator hits McLane without emotion which sends him sprawling across the room into a desk piled with computers, papers, stationary, more computers and family photos - all of which land on the floor and break.

McLane: F*ck!

The Terminator picks up McLane's gun which STILL isn't empty and proceeds to empty it at McLane - unemotionally. McLane can see the Terminator levelling the gun at him, gets up and starts running just as the Terminator fires the first bullit.

McLane: F... SHIIIIIT!

The Terminator, despite being a futuristic killing machine manages to miss with every bullit as McLane escapes into another room. Despite being a crap shot, failing miserably in the one purpose he has been designed for, the Terminator is unemotional.

The Terminator enters the office room to which McLane ran. It appears empty. Actually, McLane is behind the door about to smash a computer monitor over the Terminator's head. He does. The Terminator is unemotional.

McLane: Well spank my ass and call me Charlie.

The Terminator picks McLane up and instead of killing him while he has the chance throws him across the room causing much destruction amongst office stationary..

McLane: Ass-doodles

McLane runs. The Terminator opens fire on him from the gun which STILL hasn't run out of ammo.

Cut to McLane hiding in a small office. He has been shot in the arm and is heavily bruised all over his upper torso.

McLane: F*ck... that hurt.

Wait, his vest is ripped!

McLane: That chicken loving bastard. He dies!

McLane finds the bodies of the terrorists he'd just killed that morning in this very skyscraper. He searches their bodies and leaves the room with a huge arsenal of weapons.

Enter the Terminator.

Terminator: ...

McLane: Yipi ky aye mother F*cker(or just Yipi ky aye mother and a bizarre silence in which Bruce's lips move but no words come out if you're watching this on the BBC).

McLane proceeds to unload his huge arsenal of weapons at the Terminator. The Terminator is unemotional but now missing some synthetic skin. (For some reason the Terminator's remaining skin looks slightly more fake than before and despite missing chunks of flesh its head actually looks larger.) Remarkably Schwarzenegger's acting is not impaired by all the prosthetics.

McLane: F*ck.

The Terminator advances towards McLaine, unemotionally.

Terminator: Are you Sarah Conner?

McLane: No!

Terminator: Oh, sorry, my bad.

McLane: Don't mention it.

Terminator: ...

McLane: (Relieved)F*ck.

Exit all.


As you can see both actors have their abilities stretched to the limits in these demanding roles. It turns out that neither one could win because both characters are invincible. They just won't die. The Terminator is a futuristic cyborg killing machine and McLane is played by Bruce Willis. Death is not an option - the only people capable of killing them is themselves - see Terminator 2 (with a bit of help) and Armageddon (actually, on NO account actually see this film, it's just an example.) The only hope for a resolution of this battle would be nuclear holocaust - but even then at least one of them would still survive against all odds. Well, I guess they just can't win, that's it, it's a draw. Accept it and move on with your lives. Go.

(C)David Parry, April 2000

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