Monty Python's Life of Brian Angels' Choir [Sort of a Chant to the Star of Bethlehem] Brian Uhuhlk! Gaspar Hrmhrm! Mother falling off stool [Crash] Mother Uhooh! Who are you? Gaspar We are three wise men. Mother What? Melchior We are three wise men. Mother Well, what are you doing creeping under a couch at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me. Balthasar We are astrologists. Melchior We have come from the East. Mother Is this some kind of joke? Gaspar We wish to praise the infant. Melchior We must pay a homage to him. Mother Homage? You're all drunk! It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out! Gaspar No... Mother Barge in here with tales about all the ancient fortune-tellers. Come on, out! Gaspar No, no, we must see him! Mother Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on! Melchior We...we were led by a star! Mother Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out! Melchior Well, well, we must see him, we have brought presents! Mother Out! Gaspar Gold, frankincense, myrrh! Mother Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is a...bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway? Balthasar It is a valuable balm. Mother A balm?! What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him! Balthasar What? Mother That's a dangerous animal! Quick, throw it in the trough! Melchior No, it isn't! Mother Yes, it is! It's great big uhug... Gaspar No, no, no, it is an ointment. Mother Oh, well, there is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? So you're astrologists, are you? Well, what is he then? Gaspar Hm? Mother What star-sign is he? Gaspar Ehm...capricorn. Mother Ah, capricorn, eh? What are they like? Gaspar Oh, well, he's the son of God, ah, Messiah. Melchior King of the Jews! Mother And that's capricorn, is it? Gaspar Ehm, no, no, no, that's just him! Mother Oh, that's good to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. Snhff. Melchior By what name are you calling him? Mother Uhm, Brian. All three wise men We worship you, oh Brian, who are lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our father. Amen. Mother Do you do a lot of this, then? Gaspar What? Mother This praising. Gaspar No, no...no, no. Mother Oh, well, ehm, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, ahm, but don't worry too much about the myrrh the next time, all right? Huh. Thank you! Goodbye! Hen Gdisk! Mother Well, were they nice? Hm! Out of their bloody minds, but still, look at that! Hohoho...hear! Hear! Here, that...that's mine! Hey! Hey, you could hate me, hey! Ourrgh! Angel's Choir [Chant to Jesus Christ] Brian Aiihaih! Mother Shut up! Mother's hand striking Brian [Smack] Brian Aih! HANDMADE FILMS presents MONTY PYTHON'S STARRING AND WRITTEN BY GRAHAM CHAPMAN JOHN CLEESE TERRY GILLIAM ERIC IDLE TERRY JONES MICHAEL PALIN WITH TERENCE BAYLOCK CAROL CLEVELAND KENNETH COLLEY NEIL INNES CHARLES McKEOLIN GWEN TAYLOR JOHN SOUND SUE JONES-DAVIES PETER BRETTY JOHN CASE CHRIS LANGHAM CHRIS McLACHLAN BERNARD McKENNA AND SPIKE MILLIGAN ---- of ---y PETER BIZIOU CAMERA OPERATOR JOHN STAMER 1st ASSISTANT DIRECTOR JONATHAN BENSON CONTINUITY BRENDA LOADER DUBBING MIXER HUGH STRAIN DUBBING EDITOR JOHN FOSTER EDITOR JULIAN DOYLE SOUND RECORDIST GARTH MARSHALL MAKE UP AND HAIRDRESSING MAGGIE WESTON ELAINE ---- COSTUME DEPARTMENTS NICK EDE / BILL PIERCE SUB CABLE / ZOULEIKHA KTARI LEILA TURRI PROPS DEPARTMENTS PETER GRANT ARTHUR WICKS JOHN MARGETTS GORDON PHILLIPS GEOFFREY HARTMAN DARRYL PATTERSON MAKE UP AND HAIRDRESSING DEPARTMENTS SUSAN FREAR / KENTEAS BRINTE DIANA WEBBER / FATMA LAZIEI FAOUZIA CHOUEA ART DEPARTMENTS ASS. ART DIRECTORS PRODUCTION BUYERS JOHN BEARD PETER DUNLOP MOHAMMED ---- HASSINE SOUFI CONSTRUCTION MANAGERS ROBIN PATTERSON LOTFI LAYOURNI SET DRESSER HASSIN SOUFI COSTUME DESIGN HAZEL PETHIG AND CHARLES KNODE ART DIRECTOR ROGER CHRISTIAN ASSOCIATE PRODUCER TIM HAMPTON DESIGN AND ANIMATION TERRY GILLIAM EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS GEORGE HARRISON AND DENIS O'BRIEN PRODUCED BY JOHN GOLDSTONE DIRECTED BY TERRY JONES Female Singer: Brian, the babe they called Brian, he grew, he grew, and grew, grew up to be, grew up to be, a boy called Brian. A boy called Brian, he had arms, and legs, and head, and feet, the boy, whose name was Brian. Man sleeping on cloud falling Aaargh! Female Singer: And he grew, he grew, grew, and grew, grew up to be, yes, he grew up to be, yes, his name was Brian, a teenager called Brian. And his face became spotty, yes, his face became spotty, and his voice dropped down low, and things started to grow, on young Brian and so, he was certainly no, no girl named Brian, not a girl named Brian. And he started to shave, and have one the wrist, and want to see girls, and go out and get pissed, a man called Brian, this man called Brian, the man they called Brian, this man called Briaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Flying Prophet imploding upon contact with the sun [Bang] Flying Prophet Aiiih! JUDEA A.D. 33 SATURDAY AFTERNOON ABOUT TEA TIME Jesus Christ How blessed are those who know that he's of God. How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation. How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for their possession. How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail; they shall be satisfied. How blessed are those whose hearts are pure; they shall see God. Mother Speak up! Brian Sch, quiet, mum! Mother Well, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to stoning! Bignose Ssch! Brian You can go to a stoning anytime! Mother Ah, come on, Brian! Bignose Will you be quiet! Bignose's Wife Don't pick your nose! Bignose I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it. Bignose's Wife You was picking it while you was talking to that lady! Bignose I wasn't! Bignose's Wife Leave it alone! Give it a rest! Wiseguy Do you mind, I can't hear a word he's saying. Bignose's Wife Don't you "do you mind" me! I was talking to my husband! Wiseguy Well, can't you talk to him somewhere else? I can't hear a bloody thing! Bignose Don't you swear at my wife! Wiseguy Well, I was only asking her to shut up so that I can hear what he's saying, Bignose! Bignose's Wife Don't you call my husband "Bignose"! Bignose Well, he has got a big nose. Bearded Man Could you be quiet, please? What was that? Wiseguy I don't know, I was too busy talking to Bignose! Spectator I I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers". Bearded Man's Wife Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers? Bearded Man Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. Wiseguy See, if you hadn't been going on we'd have heard that, Bignose. Bignose Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in! Wiseguy Oh, better keep listening, might be a bit about "Blessed are the Bignoses". Brian Oh, lay off him! Wiseguy Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City? Wiseguy One more time, mate, I'll take you to fucking cleaners! Bignose's Wife Language! And don't pick your nose! Bignose I wasn't going to pick my nose! I'm gonna thump him! Spectator II Hear that, blessed are the Greek! Bearded Man The Greek? Spectator II Hmm. Well, apparently he's going to inherit the earth. Bearded Man Did anyone catch his name? Bignose's Wife You're not gonna thump anybody! Bignose I'll thump him if he calls me "Bignose" again! Wiseguy Oh, shut up, Bignose! Bignose Ha, right! I warned you! I really will slug you! Saaah... Bignose's Wife Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, innit? I'm glad they're getting something because they had a hell of a time. Wiseguy Listen, I'm only telling the truth, you have got a very big nose! Bignose Hey, your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I'm finished with you! Spectator I & Spectator II Ssch! Wiseguy Well, who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother? Bignose All right, that's your last warning! Bearded Man's Wife Oh, do quiet down! Bignose hitting Bearded Man's Wife [Thump] Bearded Man's Wife Aiih! Bignose Silly bitch, getting in the way! Bearded Man Aaargh! Bignose Racket all the way... Mother Oh, come on, let's go to the stoning! Brian All right. Rogers Well, blessed is just about everyone with a fested interest in the status quo, if I'm right with you there, Reg? Reg Yeah, well, what Jesus quietly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who're the problem. Judith Yes, yes, absolutely Reg, yes, I see! Mother Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have him stoned before we get there. Brian All right. Bignose Aaargh! Bearded Man's Wife Lay off! Wiseguy Hey, don't be there, he's just lying there, Bignose. Stop that, there's a rape going on, frankly speaking, it's he that started it all... Mother Ah, how I hate wearing these beards. Brian Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, mum? Mother It's written, that's why. Beard and stone seller Pssst! Beard, madam? Woman carrying donkey Oh, look, I haven't got the time to go to no stonings. He's not well again. Donkey Oink! Oink! Beard and stone seller Stone, sir? Mother No, they've got a lot there, lying around on the ground. Beard and stone seller Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this! Feel the quality of that, that's craftmanship, sir. Mother Hmm...all right, we'll have two with points and...a big flat one. Brian Could I have a flat one, mum? Mother Ssch! Brian Sorry! Dad! Mother Ehm...all right, two points, ahm...two flats and a packet of gravel. Beard and stone seller Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon. Mother Hm? Beard and stone seller Local boy. Mother Oh, good. Beard and stone seller Enjoy yourselves! Women disguised as bearded men [Scream] [Yell] Bird Fuiit! Priest Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath... Matthias Do I say yes? Guard Yes. Matthias Yes! Priest ...you have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so as a blasphemer... Women disguised as bearded men Ooh... Priest ...you are to be stoned to death! Women disguised as bearded men Aah! Matthias Look, I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehova!". Women disguised as bearded men Oooh! Priest Blasphemy! He said it again! Women disguised as bearded men Yeah! Yes! Yes! Priest Did you hear him?! Women disguised as bearded men Yeah! Yes! Yes! Woman Really! Priest Are there any women here today? Women disguised as bearded men Uh...ooh...no... Priest Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me... Rock thrown at Matthias [Bladonk] Women disguised as bearded men Ooh... Matthias Oh, lay off! We haven't started yet! Priest Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on! Women disguised as bearded men She did! She did! He did! He did! He did! Woman Sorry, I thought we'd started. Priest Go to the back! Woman Oh, dear... Priest Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we? Matthias Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehova"! Women disguised as bearded men Aiiih! He did! Priest You're only making it worse for yourself! Matthias Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehova, Jehova, Jehova! Women disguised as bearded men Aiiih! Priest I'm warning you! If you say Jehova once more... Rock thrown at Priest [Bladonk] Priest Right! Who threw that? Matthias Hehehe... Priest Come on! Who threw that? Women disguised as bearded men She did! She did! She did! Him! Him! Him! Priest Was it you? Woman II Yes. Priest Right... Woman II Well, you did say Jehova! Women disguised as bearded men Aiiih! Rocks thrown at Woman II [Multiple Bladonks] Priest Stop! Stop! Will you stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say Jehova! Women disguised as bearded men Aiiih! Rocks thrown at Priest [Multiple Bladonks] Priest Aaargh! Large boulder crushing Priest [Bladonk] Woman III Good shot! Women disguised as bearded men [Applause] Brian Have I got a big nose, mum? Mother Oh, stop thinking about sex! Brian I wasn't! Mother You're always on about it. Morning, noon and night "Will the girls like this, will the girls like that? Is it too big, is it too small?" Leper I A fish, sir? Leper II Alms for a leper! Leper III Alms for a leper! Ex-leper Alms for an ex-leper! Bloody donkey-owners, all the same, ain't they? Never have any change. Oh, here they... touch! Spare a talent for an old ex-leper! Mother Buzz off! Ex-leper Spare a talent for an old ex-leper! Mother A talent? That's more than he earns in a month! Ex-leper Half a talent then? Mother No, get away! Ex-leper Come on Bignose, let's haggle! Brian What? Ex-leper All right, cut the haggling, let's say you open at one shekel, I start at 2000, we close at about 1800. Brian No. Ex-leper 1750? Mother Go away! Ex-leper 1740? Mother Look, will you leave him alone! Ex-leper All right. Two shekels, just two. Isn't this fun, eh? Mother Look, he is not giving you any money, so piss off! Ex-leper All right sir, my final offer, half a shekel for an old ex-leper? Brian Did you say ex-leper? Ex-leper That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind a bell and fradock, sir. Brian Oh...what happened? Ex-leper I was cured, sir. Brian Cured? Ex-leper Yes, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you! Brian Oh, who cured you? Ex-leper Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute I'm alive and newsgone. Not so much as a bye or league! "You're cured, mate". Bloody do-gooder. Brian Tough. Why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again? Ex-leper Aah, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. Well, what the thing was I was going to ask him if he'd make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something peckable but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass, to be blunt despute my French servant. Mother Brian! Come and clean your room out! Brian Here you are. Ex-leper Thank you, sir. Than...half a dinare for me bloody life story? Brian There's no pleasing some people. Ex-leper That's just what Jesus said, sir! Door being kicked in by mother [Bladonk] Mother Oh. Roman Officer Good afternoon. Mother Oh, eh...hello, officer, ehrm...I'll be with you in a few moments, all right with you? Brian What's he doing here? Mother Ehm...ah, don't start that Brian, ehm...go and clean your room out. Brian The bloody Romans! Mother Now, look Brian! If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this. And don't you forget it. Brian We don't owe the Romans anything, mum. Mother Oh, that's not entirely true, is it, Brian? Brian What do you mean? Mother Well...you know when you were asking me about your... Brian My nose? Mother Yes, well...there's a reason it's like it is, Brian. Brian What is it? Mother Oh, well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... Brian What? Mother Well, Brian, your father isn't Mr. Cohen. Brian I never thought he was! Mother Now none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army. Brian You mean...you were raped?! Mother Well...at first, yes. Brian Who was it? Mother Huh...Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm...promised me the known world, he did. I was to be taken to Rome, house by the Forums, slaves, asses' milk, as much gold as I could eat. Then he, having his way with me he had; voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct. Brian He's a bastard! Mother Yes, and next time you go on about the "bloody Romans", don't forget you're one of them. Brian I'm not a Roman mum, and I never will be. I'm a kike, a jid, a heebe, a hooknose! I'm kosher, mum! I'm a red-sea pedestrian and proud of it! Brian closing door [Bladonk] Mother Huh...sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, eh? Hm. Well, how are you then, officer? SPQR DIVO AVGVSTO CAESARI THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM CHILDREN'S MATINEE Speaker's Voice Ladies and gentlemen! The next contest is between Frank the Loyal, the Macedonian baby smacker, and Boris Fineburn. Brian Ah, right, thank you, madam. Lark's tongues! Wren's livers! Chaffinch's brains! Jaguar's earlobes! Wolve's nibble chips! Get them while they're off, they're lovely. Dromedary pretzel verily after dinner! Tuscany fried bats! Judith I do feel Reg, that any anti-imperialistic group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interest within its powerbase. Reg Agreed. Rogers? Rogers Yes, I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the movement never forgets that it is the unalienable right of every man... Stan Or woman. Rogers ...or woman to rid himself... Stan Or herself. Rogers ...or herself... Reg Agreed. Rogers Thank you, brother. Stan Or sister. Rogers Or sister...where was I? Reg I think you'd finished. Rogers Oh. Right. Reg Further more, it it the birthright of every man... Stan Or woman. Reg Why don't you shut up about women, Stan? You're putting us off. Stan Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg. Rogers Why are you always on about women, Stan? Stan I want to be one. Reg What? Stan I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta. Reg What? Loretta It's my right as a man. Judith Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan? Loretta I want to have babies. Reg You want to have babies?! Loretta It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them. Reg But...you can't have babies! Loretta Don't you opress me! Reg I'm not opressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where is the foetus going to gestate? You're going to keep it in a box? Loretta Sniff. Judith Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies. Rogers Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister! Sorry. Reg What's the point? Rogers What? Reg What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies? Rogers It is symbolic of our struggle against opression. Reg Symbolic of his struggle against reality. Trumpets [Fanfares] Audience [Applause] Guard Get out there! Ah, get out there! Victim It's dangerous out there! Aah! Aiih! Oh. Audience Aah...come on! Ooh... Out a lot of garbage. Brian Lark's tongues! Otter's noses! Ozelot spleens! Reg Got any nuts? Brian Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger spleens... Reg No, no, no... Brian Otters' noses? Reg I don't want any of that Roman rubbish! Judith Why don't you sell proper food? Brian Proper food? Reg Yeah, not those rich imperialist tippets! Brian Oh, don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff! Reg All right, bag of otter's noses, then. Rogers Make it two. Reg Two. Rogers Thanks, Reg. Brian Are you the Judean People's Front? Reg Fuck off! Brian What? Reg Judean People's Front! We're The People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front, God! Rogers Blighters... Brian Can I...join your group? Reg No, piss off! Brian I didn't want to sell this stufff, it's only a job! I hate the Romans as much as anybody! All in PFJ except Brian Ssch! Ssch! Ssch! Ssch! Ssch! Brian Oh. Judith Are you sure? Brian Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already. Reg Listen! If you wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to have really hate the Romans. Brian I do! Reg Oh, yeah, how much? Brian A lot! Reg Right, you're in. Listen, the only people we hate more than the Romans, are the fucking Judean People's Front. All in PFJ except Brian Yeah! Judith Splitters! Rogers And the Judean Popular People's Front! All in PFJ except Brian Yeah! Splitters! Loretta And the People's Front of Judea! All in PFJ except Brian Yeah! Splitters! Reg What? Loretta The People's Front of Judea. Splitters! Reg We are the People's Front of Judea! Loretta Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front. Reg People's Front! God... Rogers Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg? Reg He's over there. All in PFJ except Brian Splitter! Gladiator Oh, oh...I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest! Ooh...aah! Roman I Absolutely dreadful! Roman II Huh. Audience [Applause] Reg Peace, brother! Haha! What's your name? Brian Brian. Brian...Cohen. Reg We may have a little job for you, Brian. Centurion What's this then? Romanes eunt domus? People call around marnays they go the house? Brian It...it says "Romans go home." Centurion No, it doesn't. Brian Aih. Centurion What's Latin for Romans? Come on! Brian Aih! Aah! Romanus! Centurion Goes like...? Brian Anis? Centurion Vocative plural of anis is...? Brian Ani? Centurion Romani...Eunt? What is eunt? Brian "Go"! De... Centurion Conjugate the verb "go"! Brian Aah...ere, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt. Centurion So eunt is...? Brian Aah, ehm...third person plural present indicative. Ehm..."they go". Centurion But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the...? Brian Aih! Imperative! Centurion Which is...? Brian Ehm, oh...oh, ehm...i, i! Centurion How many Romans? Brian Aah! it's...plural, plural! Ite! Ite! Centurion Ite. Brian Aah, ah. Centurion Domus? Nominative? Brian Ah, ah? Centurion "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy? Brian Ehm...ehm...dative sir? Sword [Slinskt] Brian Aih! Ooh! Not dative, not the dative, sir! Nah, aah! Ooh! The...accusative! Accusative! Aah! Domum, sir! Ad domum! Aah, ooh! Centurion Except that domus takes the...? Brian Aah! The locative, sir! Aah! Centurion Which is...? Brian Domum! Aah, ah, aah... Centurion Domum...um. Understand? Brian Yes, sir! Centurion Now, write that a hundred times! Brian Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar, sir! Centurion Hail Caesar! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. Brian Oh, thank you, sir! Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Aah. Mmh! Aah... Finished! Aah. Roman Soldier Right. Now, don't do it again! Man with bag Hey! Bloody Romans... Rogers We get in through the underground heating-system here ,up through an inamane audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody, and fore with issue our demands. Any questions? Revolutionary I What exactly are the demands? Reg We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her. Matthias Cut her head off? Rogers Cut all her bits off! Send them back on the hour, every hour! Seldom why not to be tried for it. Reg And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmale. All revolutionaries except Reg No blackmale! Reg They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had. And not just from us! From our fathers, and from our father's fathers. Loretta And from our father's father's fathers. Reg Yeah. Loretta And from our father's father's father's fathers. Reg Yeah, all right Stan, don't delay with the point. And what have they ever given us in return? Revolutionary I The aqueduct? Reg What? Revolutionary I The aqueduct. Reg Oh. Yeah, yeah, they did give us that, ah, that's true, yeah. Revolutionary II And the sanitation. Loretta Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like. Reg Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aqueduct and sanitation, the two things the Romans have done. Matthias And the roads. Reg Oh, yeah, obviously the roads. I mean the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads... Revolutionary III Irrigation. Revolutionary I Medicine. Revolutionary IV Education. Reg Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough. Revolutionary V And the wine. All revolutionaries except Reg Oh, yeah! Right! Rogers Yeah! Yeah, that's something we'd really miss Reg, if the Romans left. Huh. Revolutionary VI Public bathes. Loretta And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg. Rogers Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it; they're the only ones who could in a place like this. All revolutionaries except Reg Hahaha...all right... Reg All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? Revolutionary I Brought peace? Reg Oh, peace! Shut up! Judith [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] ... [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] Matthias I'm a poor man, my sight is sore, my legs are old and bented. Judith All right, Matthias. Matthias It's all clear. Judith Well, where's Reg? Rogers Oh, Reg! Reg! Judith! Reg What went wrong? Judith The first blow has been struck! Reg Did he finish the slogan? Judith A hundred times! In letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace! Reg Oh, great! Great! We...we need doers in our movement Brian, but...before you join us, know this there is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country the Romans once and for all. Revolutionary VII Ehm...well, one. Reg Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one. But otherwise we're solid. Are you with us? Brian Yes! Reg From now on you shall be called "Brian that is called Brian". Fill him in about the raid on the Pilate's palace, Francis. Rogers Right! This is the plan! Rogers Now, this is the palace at Caesar Square. Our commando-unit will approach from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the PFJ, will be co-ordinating the assailant at the drain heighin. Though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back. Revolutionary VIII Aren't you going to come with us? Reg Solidarity, brother! Revolutionary VIII Oh, yes...solidarity, Reg. Rogers Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There's a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast. And don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caesar Augustus' Memorial Sewer, and from there proceed directly to the hypocaust. This has just been retiled, so terrorists careful with those weapons! We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Habakkuk to get out his prom. Habakkuk's Prom 11*[Konk] Terrorists' leader Campaign for fFree Galilee! Rogers Oh, ehm...People's Front of Judea. Officials. Terrorists' leader Oh. Rogers What's your group doing here? Terrorists' leader We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands. Rogers So are we. Terrorists' leader What? Rogers That's our plan. Terrorists' leader We were here first. Rogers What do you mean? Terrorists' leader We thought of it first. Loretta Oh, yeah? Terrorists' leader Yeah. It's a couple of years ago. All revolutionaries Ohohoh... Terrorists' leader We did! Rogers Okay, ohkokh, come on. You got all your demands worked out, eh? Terrorists' leader Of course we have! Rogers What are they? Terrorists' leader Well, I'm not telling you! Rogers Oh, come on! Tell me another one! Terrorists' leader Arghule complaining! We thought of it before you! Loretta Did not! Rogers You did not! Terrorists' leader We did! Rogers You did not! Terrorists' leader We did! Rogers You did not! All terrorists and revolutionaries except Rogers and terrorist leader Ssch! Ssch! Terrorists' leader You bastards! We've been planning this for months! Rogers Well, tough ticking for you, fish face! Aoh, ooh! Sorry! All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian Ah, ouh! You slime! Sorry! Arrgh! Brian Brothers, brothers! We should be struggling together! Rogers We are! Oh! Brian We mustn't fight each other! Surely, we should be united against the common enemy! All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian The Judean People's Front?! Brian No, no, the Romans! All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian Oh, yeah...yeah. Yes. Yeah, he's right. Terrorist I Look out! Rogers Careful! Terrorists' leader Right! Where were we? Rogers Ehm...you were going to punch him. Aah, eh. Terrorists' leader Oh, yeah. Auh, eh. All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian Aouh! Arrgh! [Thump][Thump] Arrgh...aie! Brian Brothers! Terrorist and revolutionary Aouh! Ahh, ah, ah... Blunt Object [Thump] Brian Ouh! Prisoners Oah! Ouhoh! Brian Aie! Jailor I Hehehe! Brian Auh! Jailor I Huhuhe! Prisoner You lucky bastard! Brian Who's that? Prisoner You lucky, lucky bastard! Brian What? Prisoner Probably the little jailies' pet, aren't we? Brian What do you mean? Prisoner You must have slipt him a few shekels, eh? Brian Slipt him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face! Prisoner Oh, ohoh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face. Brian Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles! Prisoner Manacles! Ohuuhoh...what idea of reaving; is to be allowed to put in manacles, just for a few hours. They must think a sun shines out your arse, sonny! Brian Oh, lay off me, I've had a hard time! Prisoner You've had a hard time!? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday! So don't you come 'round... Brian All right, all right! Prisoner They must think you're lord God Almighty. Brian What will they do to me? Prisoner Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. Brian Crucifixion?! Prisoner Yeah. First offense. Brian Get away with crucifixion?! It's... Prisoner Best thing the Romans ever did for us. Brian What? Prisoner Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right bloody mess. Brian Guard! Prisoner Nail 'em up I say! Brian Guard! Prisoner Nail some sense into 'em! Jailor I Hahrkhm...what do you want? Brian I want you to move me to another cell. Jailor I Hah! Ptui! [Spit] Brian Aehw! Prisoner Oh! Look at that! Bloody favouritism! Jailor I Shut up, you! Prisoner Sorry! Jailor I Huah! Huhuhu... Prisoner Now take my case. They hang me up here five years ago. Every night they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again. Which I guard as very fair, in view of what I've done. And if nothing else, it has taught me to respect the Romans, and it has taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you are prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's... Brian Oh, shut up! Jailor I Here. Centurion Pilate wants to see you! Brian Me? Centurion Come on! Brian Pilate? What does he want to see me for? Centurion I think he wants to know which way you want to be crucified. Prisoner Oh, hahahaha, haha! Nice one, centurion! Like it, like it. Centurion Shut up! Prisoner Right, right. Terrific race, the Romans! Terrific. Pontius Pilate ...and down to this avea. Aah. Centurion Hail Caesar! Pontius Pilate Hail! Centurion Only one survivor, sir. Pontius Pilate Aah. Thvow him to the floor! Centurion What, sir? Pontius Pilate Thvow him to the floor! Centurion Aah. Brian Aie! Pontius Pilate Hm! Now, what is your name, Jew? Brian Brian, sir. Pontius Pilate Bvian, eh? Brian No, no; Brian. Centurion's hand against Brian's cheek [Slap] Brian Aie! Pontius Pilate Huhuhuhu...The little vascal has spivit! Centurion Has what, sir? Pontius Pilate Spivit. Centurion Yes, he did, sir. Pontius Pilate No, no, spivit! Sort of...bombavdo, a touch of devving-do. Centurion Oh. Ehm...about eleven, sir. Pontius Pilate So...you dave to vaid us? Brian To what, sir? Pontius Pilate Stvike him centurion, vevy roughly! Centurion's hand against Brian's cheek [Slap] Brian Aih! Centurion Oh, and, ehm...throw him to the floor, sir? Pontius Pilate What? Centurion Throw him to the floor again, sir? Pontius Pilate Oh, yes. Thvow him to the floor, please. Brian Aie! Pontius Pilate Now, Jewish vapscalion... Brian I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman! Pontius Pilate A Voman? Brian No, no; Roman. Centurions' hand against Brian's cheek [Slap] Brian Aie! Centurion So, your father was a Voman. Who was he? Brian He was a centurion, in the Jerusalem garrison, sir. Pontius Pilate Veally? What was his name? Brian Naughtius Maximus. Centurion Pahaha... Pontius Pilate Centuvion, do you have anyone of that name in the gavvison? Centurion Well...no, sir. Pontius Pilate Well, you sound very sure. Have you checked? Centurion Well, no, sir, ehm...I think it's a joke, sir. Like, ehm, Sillius Soddus, or...or, Biggus Dickus, sir. Legionary III Pffhrpffpfff... Pontius Pilate What's, ehm...funny about Biggus Dickus? Centurion Well, it's a joked name, sir. Pontius Pilate I have a vevy gveat fviend in Vome called Biggus Dickus. Legionary III Pffhrpffpfff... Pontius Pilate Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vevy quickly, with votten behaviouv like that. Brian Can I go now, sir? Centurion's hand against Brian's cheek [Slap] Brian Aie! Aou... Pontius Pilate Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this! Legionary III Pffhrpffpfff... Pontius Pilate Vight! Take him away! Centurion Oh sir, he ju... Pontius Pilate No, no, I want him fighting rabid wild animals within a week! Centurion Yes, sir. Come on, you! Legionary III Oh, hahahaha...hohoho! Hoho... Pontius Pilate I will not have my friends ridiculed by the common soldiery! Anybody else feel like a little...giggle, when I mention my friend...Biggus...Dickus? Legionary IV Pffhrpffpfff... Pontius Pilate And what about you? Do you find it...risible, when I say the name...Biggus... Legionary IV Iik! Pontius Pilate ...Dickus? Legionaries I and II Pffhrpffpfff...hihihi... Pontius Pilate He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? She's called...Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks. All legionaries Pffhrpffpfff...hahaha... Pontius Pilate Shut up! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel, spickely behaviour! Silence! You call yourselves Pawaetonian guards? Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him! Big club [Bladonk] [Bladonk] Worker's hand against step [Donk] Worker Hm? Hmm. Fuitt,fuitt...oh, but... Brian Aiihhh! Spaceship catching Brian in mid-air [Sound of Catching] Alien I and II Gcachi? Alien I Dzhula grchaba. Siren [Emergency Sound] Alien I Airchg! Alien II Oh. Alien I Ah. Alien II Schsh. Alien I ... Alien II Oh, prshtc. Gnom nom. Alien I Mtpshtnm. Spaceship [Petabladonk] Astonished Man Oh, you lucky bastard! Prophet I And the bison shall be huge and black, and the eyes still of red, with the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon, shall ride forth on a red-headed serpent, and throughout the land shall be a great rubbing of parts. He and wib... Prophet II ...the demon shell carry a nine-bladed sword! Nine-bladed! Not two, or five, or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinner-sinners, just like you sir, there! And the horns shall be on the head... Prophet III ...through Hebediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours, of things going astray. Ehm...and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are. And nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi...with a sort of rackey work base, that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers, that their fathers put there only just the night before, 'bout eight o'clock. Prophet IV Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril "That in that time shall the turds"... Brian How much? Quick! Vendor What? Brian It's for the wife. Vendor Oh, ehm...twenty shekels. Brian Right. Vendor What? Brian There you are. Vendor Wait a minute! Brian What? Vendor Well, we're...we're supposed to haggle! Brian No, no, no, I've got to get... Vendor What do you mean, "No, no, no"? Brian I haven't got time, I've got... Vendor Well, give it back, then. Brian No, no, no, I just paid you! Vendor Burt! Burt Yeah? Vendor This bloke won't haggle! Burt Won't haggle?! Brian All right, do we have to? Vendor Now look I want twenty for that. Brian Ehm...I just gave you twenty. Vendor Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels? Brian No. Vendor Look at it! Feel the quality, that's not any of you goat! Brian All right, I'll give you nineteen then. Vendor No, no, no, come on, do it properly! Brian What? Vendor Haggle properly, this isn't worth nineteen! Brian Well, you just said it was worth twenty! Vendor Oh dear, oh dear. Come on haggle! Brian Uh, all right, I'll give you ten. Vendor That's more like it! Ten? Are you trying to insult me? Me, with a poor dying grandmother? Ten!? Brian All right, I'll give you eleven! Vendor Now you're getting it. Eleven!? Did I hear you right? Eleven? This cost me twelve, you want to ruin me? Brian Seventeen? Vendor No, no, no, no, "seventeen"! Brian Eighteen? Vendor No, no, no, you've got to fourteen now. Brian All right, I'll give you fourteen. Vendor Fourteen!? Are you joking? Brian That's what you told me to say! Vendor Oh, dear... Brian Oh, tell me what to say, please! Vendor Offer me fourteen. Brian I'll give you fourteen. Vendor He's offering me fourteen for this! Brian Fifteen! Vendor Seventeen. My last word, I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. Brian Sixteen! Vendor Done! Nice to do business with you. Brian Mhm. Vendor Tell you what I'll throw you in this as well. Brian I don't want it, but thanks. Vendor Burt! Burt Yeah. Brian All right, all right, all right. Vendor Now where's the sixteen you owe me? Brian I just gave you twenty. Vendor Oh yeah, that's right, that's four I-owe-you, then. Brian No, that's all right, that's fine, that's fine. Vendor No, hang on, I've got it here somewhere. Brian No, it's all right, that's four for the gourd. Vendor Four? For this gourd? Four!? Look at it! It's worth ten if it's worth a shekel! Brian You just gave it to me for nothing! Vendor Yes, but it's worth ten. Brian All right, all right! Vendor No, no, no, no, it's not worth ten, you're supposed to argue! "Ten for that, you must be mad!" Oh, well, one born every minute. Loretta Daniel. Rogers Job. Reg Job. Loretta Job. Rogers Joshua. Reg Joshua. Loretta Joshua. Rogers Judges. Reg Judges. Loretta Judges. Rogers And Brian. Reg And Brian. Loretta And Brian. Reg I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minites as prevationally martyrs to the cause. Loretta I second that, Reg. Reg Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Chimerins! Let us not be down on it! One total catastrophe like this, is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths to unite us all in a... Matthias Look out! Brian Hallo! Matthias? Reg? Table Go away! Brian Huh? Reg! It's me, Brian! Table Get off! Get off out of it! Brian Stan? Large cloth Piss off! Laundry basket Yeah, piss off! Map of Pontius Pilate's Palace Fucker off! Door 17*[Knock] All revolutionaries except Brian Oh, shit! Brian Ahh? Matthias Coming! Door 18*[Knock] Prophet III Yea, verily at that time, which is written in the Book of Obadiah, when a man shall strike his donkey, and his nephew's donkey and i... Balcony [Krak][Krak] Matthias My eyes are dim, I cannot see... Centurion Are you Matthias? Matthias Yes. Centurion We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, the member of the terrorist organisation, the People's Front of Judea. Matthias Me? No, I'm just a poor old man, I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey, my ears are noud, my eyes are old and bent... Centurion Quiet! Silly person. Guards, search the house! Guards' feet 42*[Clamp] Centurion You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal? Matthias No. Centurion Crucifixion! Matthias Oh. Centurion Nasty, eh? Matthias Hm...could be worse. Centurion What do you mean, "Could be worse"? Matthias Well, you could be stabbed. Centurion Stabbed? Takes a second! Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death. Matthias Well, at least you get you out in the open air. Centurion You're weird. Guards' feet 32*[Clamp] Decurion No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir. Guards' feet 6*[Clamp] Centurion But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us, weirdo. Matthias Bignose! Centurion Watch it! Matthias Phew! That was lucky. Brian I'm sorry, Reg. Reg Oh, it's all right siblings, he's sorry. He's sorry he lead the fifth legion straight to our official head quarters. Well, that's all right then, Brian. Sit down! Have a scone! Make yourself at home! You klutz! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed... Door 17*[Knock] Balcony [Crack] Prophet III ...with a great juicy melon behind... Door [Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock] Matthias My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes? Centurion There's one place we didn't look. Guards! Guards' feet 17*[Clamp] Matthias I'm just a poor old man, my sight is dim, my eyes are poor, my nose is nackered. Centurion Have you ever seen anyone crucified? Matthias Crucifixion's a doddle. Centurion Don't keep saying that! Guards' feet 24*[Clamp] Decurion Found this spoon, sir! Centurion Well done, sergeant! Decurion's Feet [Clamp] [Clamp] Centurion We'll be back...oddball. Door [Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock] Centurion Open up! Matthias You haven't given us time to hide! Balcony [Crack] [Crumble] Brian Aargghhh! Brian's feet against Prophet III's head [Thump] Prophet III falling into pot Uhuapps! Uhuuarghh! Pot [Rumble] Crowd [Applause] All prophets except Brian And at that time...all sinners...red serpent...men shall blackburn...fire... Brian Don't, ehm...pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged yourself. Man in crowd What? Brian I said "Don't pass judgement on other people, or else you might get judged too". Man in crowd Who, me? Brian Yes. Man in crowd Oh, oh, thank you very much. Brian Well, not just you, all of you! Gourd man That's a nice gourd. Brian What? Gourd man How much do you want for the gourd? Brian I don't, you can have it. Gourd man Have it? Brian Yes. Consider the lilies... Gourd man Don't you want to haggle? Brian No. ...in the fields... Gourd man What's wrong with it, then? Brian Nothing, take it! Woman in crowd Consider the lilies? Brian Oh, well, the birds, then. Man in crowd II What birds? Brian Any birds. Man in crowd II Why? Brian Well, have they got jobs? Man in crowd III Who? Brian The birds. Man in crowd II Have the birds got jobs?! Man passing by What's the matter with him? Man in crowd III He says the birds are scrounging! Brian Oh, no, no, the point is the birds, they do all right, don't they? Man passing by Well, and good luck to them! Man in crowd II Yeah, they're very pretty. Brian Okay. And you're much more important than they are, right? So what do you worry about? There you are! See? Man in crowd II I'm worrying about what you've got against birds. Brian I haven't got anything against the birds! Consider the lilies... Man in crowd III He's aiming at going at the flowers now! Man in crowd II Oh, give the flowers a chance! Gourd man I'll give you one for it. Brian It's yours! Gourd man Two! Brian Ah...look, there was this man, and he had two servants... Man in crowd III What were they called? Brian What? Man in crowd III What were their names? Brian I don't know. And he gave them some talents... Man in crowd II You don't know? Brian Well, it doesn't matter. Man in crowd II He doesn't know what they were called! Brian Oh, well, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now... Man in crowd III Oh, you said you didn't know! Brian It really doesn't matter, the point is; there was these two servants... Man in crowd III Oh, he's making it up as he goes along! Brian No, I'm not! And he gave them some tale...wait a minute, were there tree? Three serv... Crowd Oh, oh this is... Man in crowd II Oh, this is ridiculous! Brian There were three ser...three servants... Man in crowd II He's terrible! Crowd Oh, buuh! Man in crowd III [Ptui!] Crowd Aeh! Man in crowd III Putrey! Woman in crowd Oh, get off! Brian Ooh! Roman soldiers 18*[Clamp] Brian Ehm...mmbmp oh, now hear this blessed are they... Gourd man Three! Brian ...who can birth their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth. Man in crowd II Rubbish! Brian And to them only shall be given...to them only...shall...be...given... Woman in crowd What? Brian Hm? Woman in crowd Shall be given what? Brian Oh, nothing. Woman in crowd Hey, what were you going to say? Brian Nothing! All crowd Yes, you were! Woman in crowd Yes, you were going to say something! Brian No, I wasn't, I'd finished! All the crowd Oh, no, no. Man in crowd III Ah, come on, tell us before you go! Brian I wasn't going to say anything, I'd finished! Woman in crowd Oh, no! Blind man What won't he tell? Man in crowd III He won't say. Blind man It is a secret! Man in crowd II I know. Blind man Is it? Man in crowd II It must be, otherwise he'd tell us. Man in crowd III Oh, tell us! Blind man's stick as blind man gets pushed aside [Scramble] Brian Leave me alone! Man in crowd IV What is the secret? Woman in crowd II Is it the secret of eternal life? Man in crowd II He won't say! Man in crowd III Well, of course not, if I knew the secret of eternal life I wouldn't say. Would he? Brian Leave me alone! Woman in crowd II Just tell me, please! Man in crowd III No, tell us, Master, we were here first. Man in crowd IV Rubbish! All crowd Tell us, Master! Gourd man Five! Brian Go away! Gourd man I can't go above five. Woman in crowd II Is that his gourd? Gourd man Yes, his hunger also. Woman in crowd II Oh! This is his gourd! Gourd man Ten! Woman in crowd II It is his gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! ...Master? Man in crowd IV He's gone! He's been taken up! All the crowd, pointing at the sky Ooh! He's been taken up! Gourd man, shouting at the sky Eighteen! Man in crowd III No, there he is. Crowd Ooh! Man in crowd V Look! Crowd Oh, ooh! Man in crowd III He has given us a sign! Man in crowd V He has given us...his shoe! Man in crowd III The shoe is the sign! Let us follow his example! Man in crowd IV What? Man in crowd III Let us like him, hold up one shoe and let the other one be upon our foot, for this is his sign that all who follow him shall do likewise! Man in crowd III No, no, no, the shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance! Woman in crowd II Cast off the shoes! Follow the gourd! Man in crowd V No, let us gather shoes together! Let me! Woman in crowd Oh, get off! Man in crowd IV No, no, it is a sign that like him we must think not of the things of the body, but of the face and head! Man in crowd V Give me your shoe! Man in crowd IV Get off! Woman in crowd II Follow the gourd, the holy gourd of Jerusalem! Gourdy part of crowd The gourd! The gourd! Man in crowd VI Hold up the sandal, like he has demanded us... Man in crowd III It is a shoe! It is a shoe! Man in crowd VI It's a sandal! Man in crowd III No, it is not! It is a shoe! Woman in crowd II Cast it away! Man in crowd III Put it on! Man in crowd IV Now clear off! Man in crowd V Take the shoes and follow him! Woman in crowd II All thee who follow the gourdie! Man in crowd VII Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Let us...let us pray! Yea, he cometh to us. Like the sea to the grave... Crowd Master! Master! Brian Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river? Eremite Mmhmmhmmmh. Brian Please, please, help me! I've got to get... Crowd Aiih! Quick! Eremite Oh, my foot! Oh... Brian Ssch! Eremite Oh, damned, damned, damned! Brian I'm sorry! Ssch! Eremite Oh, damned, damned, and blasted! Brian I'm sorry! Ssch! Eremite Don't you hush me! Eighteen years of total silence, and you hush me! Brian What? Eremite I've kept my vow for eighteen years; not a single recognisable articulate sound has passed my lips. Brian Well, I'm sorry, but could you be quiet for just another five minutes? Eremite Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself! The times in the last eighteen years I wanted to... Brian Ssch! Eremite ...shout and sing, and... Brian Ssch! Eremite ...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive! Hava Nagila! Brian Ssch! Eremite Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila! Hava Nar...mhpfh... Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hallo birds! Hallo trees! I'm alive! I'm ali ...mphgrph... Crowd [Grumble] Eremite Stay off! I'm alive! Hava Nagila! Hava Narenden... Crowd Master! Master! Master! Man in crowd V The Master! He is here! Crowd Master! The shoe! Woman in crowd II It was the gourd, it was the gourd! Oh, Master...oh, Master... Man in crowd III The shoe has brought us here! Speak...speak to us, Master! Speak to us! Brian Go away! Crowd A blessing! A blessing! Man in crowd III How shall we go away, Master? Brian Oh, just go away and leave me alone. Man in crowd V Give us a sign! Man in crowd III He has given us a sign, he has brought us to this place! Brian I didn't bring you here! You just followed me! Man in crowd V Oh, it's still a good sign, by any standard. Man in crowd III Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you, they are weary and have not eaten. Brian It's not my fault they haven't eaten! Man in crowd III There is no food in this high mountain! Brian Oh, what about the juniper bushes over there? Crowd Oh! A miracle! A miracle! Man in crowd V He has made the bush fruitful by his word! Man in crowd IV They brought forth juniper berries! Brian Of course they brought forth juniper berries; they're juniper bushes, what do you expect!? Woman in crowd Show us another miracle! Man in crowd III Do not tempt him, shallow ones, is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough? Eremite I say, those are my juniper bushes! Man in crowd III They are a gift from God! Eremite They're all I've bloody got to eat. Ouf! I say! Get off of those bushes! Come on! Clear off, the lot of you! Hey! Man in crowd VI Lord, I am affected by a bald patch. Blind man I'm healed! The Master has healed me! Brian I didn't touch him! Blind man I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh! Blind man's body as he falls down the edge of the hole [Bladonk] Crowd A miracle! A miracle! A miracle! Eremite I'll have to stop it! I hadn't said a word for eighteen years till he came along! Crowd A miracle! He is the Messiah! Eremite Here! He hurt my foot! Crowd Hurt my foot! Lord! Hurt mine! Hurt mine! Man in crowd III Hail Messiah! Brian I'm not the Messiah! Man in crowd III I say you are, Lord, and I should know; I've followed a few! Crowd Hail Messiah! Brian I'm not the Messiah, would you please listen, I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly! Woman in crowd II Only the true Messiah denies his divinity. Brian What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah! Crowd He is! He is the Messiah! Brian Now, fuck off! Crowd [Silence] Man in crowd III How shall we fuck off, oh Lord? Brian Oh, just go away! Leave me alone! Eremite You told these people to eat my juniper berries! You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes! Brian Arh, lay off! Man in crowd III This is the Messiah, the chosen one! Eremite No, he's not. Brian Ak! Man in crowd III An unbeliever! Crowd An unbeliever! Man in crowd III Persecute, kill the heretic! Crowd Yeah! Kill! Kill! Kill! Man in crowd III Kill! Kill! Brian No, leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Put him down! Please! Judith Brian? Brian Judith? Man imitating rooster Cock-di-diddle-hoo! Crowd Look! There he is! The chosen one has woken! Window flaps as Brian closes them as fast as he can [Bladonk] Mother Brian! Door [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] Mother Brian! Door [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] Brian Ooh! Haai! Mmh! Haa! huh... Mother Brian! Brian Ha...hang on, mother! Door [Crash] Brian Hallo, mother! Mother Don't you "Hallo, mother" me! What are all those people doing out there? Brian Oh, oh, well, I... Mother Come on! What have you been up to, my lad? Brian Ehm, I think they must have popped by, or something. Mother Popped by?! Swolled by, more like. There's a multitude out there! Brian Mmm...they...they started following me yesterday. Mother Well, they can stop following you right now! Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Crowd The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah! Mother The who? Crowd The Messiah! Mother There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away! Crowd Brian! Brian! Mother Right, my lad! What have you been up to? Brian Nothing, mom. Mother Come on! Out with it! Brian Oh, they...they think I'm the Messiah, mum. Mother's hand against Brian's cheek [Slap] Brian Aiih! Mother What have you been telling them? Brian Nothing, I only... Mother You're only making it worse for yourself. Brian Look, I can explain... Mother's hand [Slap] Brian Aih! Judith Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen! Your son is a born leader! Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs Cohen! They believe he can give them hope, hope of a new life, a new world, a better future! Mother Who's that!? Brian Oih! That's...Judith, Mom. Judith...mother. Mother's hand against Brian's cheek [Slap] Brian Aih! Mother Ooohr... Crowd Brian! Brian! Show us the Messiah! Mother Now you listen here! He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy! Now go away! Crowd Who are you? Mother I'm his mother, that's who! Crowd Behold his mother! Behold his mother! Praise unto thee, Mother of Brian! Blessed art thou! Hosianna! All things to thee, now and always! Mother Ah, now don't think you can get around me like that! He's not coming out, and that's my final word! Now, shove off! Crowd No! Mother Did you hear what I said? Crowd Yes! Mother Oh, I see. Like that, is it? Crowd Yes! Mother Oh, oh, all right then, you can see him for one minute, but not one second more! Do you understand? Crowd Yes... Mother Promise? Crowd Well...all right. Mother All right, here he is then. Come on, Brian, come and talk to them. Brian But Mom...Judith... Mother Ah, leave that Welsh tart alone! Brian I don't really want to, mum... Crowd [Excstatic Greetings] Brian Good morning! Crowd A blessing! A blessing! A blessing! Brian Oh, please, please, please, listen! I've got one or two things to say. Crowd Tell us! Tell us both of them! Brian Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me! You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals! Crowd Yes, we're all individuals! Brian You're all different! Crowd Yes, we are all different! Homogenous Man I'm not. Crowd [Multiple Silencing Sounds] Brian You all got to work it out for yourselves! Crowd Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves! Brian Exactly! Crowd Tell us more! Brian No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise...aooh! No! Mother That's enough! That's enough! Crowd Ooooh...that wasn't a minute! Mother Oh, yes, it was! Crowd Oh, no, it wasn't! Mother Now stop that, and go away! Indiscrete man Excuse me? Mother Yes? Indiscrete man Are you a virgin? Mother I beg your pardon? Indiscrete man Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? Mother "If it's not a personal question"?! How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off! Crowd Yes...yeah...much worse. Definitely. Definitely. Ooh! Reg Morning, saviour! Crowd [Sounds of Plea] Woman Lay your hands on me! Quick! Rogers Now don't jostle The Chosen One! Please! Reg Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face! He'll touch it later! Baby Bihuh! Bearded Man I say, I say, could he just see my wife? She has a headache. Reg You'll have to wait, I'm afraid! Bearded Man She's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment! Reg Look, the lepers are cueing! Bearded Man Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath. Reg Ehm...Brian, can I introduce you to the gentlemen who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday. Bearded Man Hallo. Reg Don't push! Brian closing door [Bladonk] Reg Now keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit! Couldn't you? Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes. Uhm, women taken ins line up against that wall, will you? Judith Brian, Brian! You were fantastic! Brian You weren't so bad yourself. Judith No, what you said just now! Quite extraordinary! Brian What? Oh, that. Was it? Judith We don't need any leaders! You're so right! Reg has been dominating us for too long. Brian Well, yes... Judith It needed saying, and you said it, Brian! Brian You're very attractive... Judith It's our revolution! We can all do it together! Brian Can we? I think... Judith We're all behind you, Brian! The revolution is in your hands! Brian What? No, that's not what I meant at all! Centurion You're fucking nits, me old beauty! Right! Judith's hands slapping Centurion [Multiple Slaps] Centurion Stop it! Soldier kicking Brian's head [Bladonk] Brian Aih! Pontius Pilate Well, Brian, you've given us a good run for ouv money. Brian A what? Soldier kicking Brian [Bladonk] Brian Oah! Pontius Pilate At this time, I guarantee you will not escape. Guard! Do we have any crucifixions today? Guard 139, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir. Pontius Pilate Right! Now we have 140! Nice vound number, eh, Biggus? Biggus Dickus Hrmhm. Centurion Hail Caesar! Pontius Pilate Hail! Centurion The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir! Permission to disperse them, please! Pontius Pilate Disperse them? But I haven't addressed them yet! Centurion Ah, no, I know, sir, but... Pontius Pilate My addressing is one of the high-points of Passover! My friend Biggus Dickus has come all the way from Vome just to hear it! Centurion Hail Caesar! Biggus Dickus Hail Thaethar! Centurion You're not...uh, you're not, ehm... thinking of giving it a miss this year, then, sir? Pontius Pilate Give it a miss!? Centurion Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir. Pontius Pilate Really, Centurion! I'm surprised you, a man like you, vaffled by a vuffle of vowdy rebels. Centurion A bit thundery, sir. Pontius Pilate Take him away! Brian Ah, no! I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly! Pontius Pilate And crucify him well! Biggus! Centurion I-I, I really wouldn't, sir! Pontius Pilate Out of the way, centurion! Biggus Dickus Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithstance if there ith a thudden crithith! Reg Right! Now, item four Attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Ah, Francis, you've been doing some work on this? Rogers Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman Empire within the next twelve months! Reg Twelve months? Rogers Yeah, twelve months. And let's face it, as empires go, this is the big one. So we gotta get up of our arses and stop just talking about it! All in PFJ Yeah! Yeah! Hear! Loretta I agree! It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now! All in PFJ Yeah! Yeah! Reg You're right. We could sit around here all day, talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches, it's not to ship one Roman soldier! Francis So let's just stop gabbing on about it! It's completely pointless, and it's getting us nowhere! All Right! Loretta I agree! This is a complete waste of time! Door [Sound of Opening] Judith They've arrested Brian! All What? What? Judith They dragged him off! They're gonna crucify him! Reg Right! This calls for immediate discussion! Judith What? Sibling Immediate! Sibling II Right! Loretta New motion? Reg Completely new motion! Uh, that, uh, that there be, uh, immediate action... Francis ...uh, once the vote has been taken. Reg Well, obviously once the vote has been taken resolution the oh -- -- resolution! Judith Reg, let's go now, please! Reg Right, right!In the - in the light of fresh information from sibling Judith... Loretta Ehm...not so fast, Reg. Judith Reg, for God's sake! It's perfectly simple! All you've gotta do is to go out of that door now and try to stop the Romans nailing him up! It's happening, Reg! Something's actually happening, Reg! Can't you understand? Oooh! Door [Sound of Closing] Reg Yeah, hello. Another little ego trip from the feminists... Rogers Hrm. Loretta What? Francis [Whistle] Reg Oh, sorry, Loretta. Uh, read that back, would, you? Crucifixion Supervisor Next! Crucifixion? Prisoner I Yes. Crucifixion Supervisor Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Next! Crucifixion? Prisoner II Yes. Crucifixion Supervisor Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Next! Crucifixion? Wiseguy Uh, no, freedom. Jailor I Uhm? Crucifixion Supervisor What? Wiseguy Uh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything. so I could go free and live on an island somewhere. Crucifixion Supervisor Oh, oh, that's jolly good Well, off you go, then. Wiseguy No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really. Crucifixion Supervisor Oh, oh, I see, very good, very good. Well, out of the door... Wiseguy Yeah, I know the way, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left. Crucifixion Supervisor ...line on the left, yes, thank you. Crucifixion? Prisoner IV Yes. Crucifixion Supervisor Good. Trumpets [Fanfare] Pontius Pilate People of Jerusalem! Rome is your fviend! Jewish Crowd [Laughter] Pontius Pilate To prove our friendship it is customary at this time to release a wrongdoer from our prisons. Jewish Crowd [Laughter] Guard [Giggle] Pontius Pilate Whom would you have me release? Man Release Voger! Jewish Crowd Yeah! Release Voger! Release Voger! [Laughter] Pontius Pilate Very well, I shall release Voger! Jewish Crowd Yeah! Centurion Sir, uh, we don't have a Roger, sir. Pontius Pilate What? Centurion Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir. Pontius Pilate Ah. We have no Voger! Crowd Aah... Man But what about Voderick, then? Jewish Crowd Yeah! Release Voderick! Release Voderick! [Laughter] Pontius Pilate Centurion, why do they...titter so? Centurion Just some, ehm...Jewish joke, sir. Pontius Pilate Are they...wagging me? Centurion Oh, no, sir! Guard [Giggle] Pontius Pilate Very well, I shall release Voderick! Jewish Crowd [Laughter] Centurion Sir, we don't have a Roderick either. Pontius Pilate No Voger, no Voderick? Centurion Sorry, sir. Pontius Pilate Who is this Vod...who is this Voderick to whom you refer? Man He is a vobber! Jewish Crowd [Laughter] Man II And a vapist! Jewish Crowd [Laughter] Woman And a pickpocket! Jewish Crowd No, no! Pontius Pilate He sounds a notorious criminal. Centurion We haven't got him, sir. Pontius Pilate Do we have anyone in our prisons at all? Centurion Oh, yes, sir! We've got a Samson, sir. Pontius Pilate Samson? Centurion Samson the Sagutese Strangler, sir, uh, Silas the Syrian Assassin, uh several subversive scribes from Ceasarea, uh, 67... Biggus Dickus Let me speak to them, Pontius! Centurion Oh, no! Pontius Pilate Uh, good idea, Biggus! Biggus Dickus Citizens! We have Thamson the Thagutese Thtrangler, Thilas the Athyrian Athassin, several subversive scribes from Theatharea... Crucifixion Supervisor Next! Crucifixion? Prisoner V Yes. Crucifixion Supervisor Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Jailor! Brian Excuse me, there seems to have been some sort of mistake... Crucifixion Supervisor Just a moment, would you? Jailor! Ehm...how many have come through? Jailor I What? Crucifixion Supervisor Ehm...how many have come through? Jailor I What? Jailor II Ehm...You will have to s-speak...s-sp-spea...s-s-s-s-sp-p-p-p-p- speak-speak up a bit sir, ehm...he's-he's-he's-he's- he's-he's-he's-d-d-d-he's d-he's... Crucifixion Supervisor Ah. Jailor II No, he's-he's-he's Jailor II:s hand as he smacks himself on the head [Smack] Jailor II he's d-deaf and dead. Deaf as a p-p-p-post, sir. Crucifixion Supervisor Ah. Ehm...eh...How many have come through? Jailor I Hhh...hihihihihihihihihi... Crucifixion Supervisor Oh dear. Jailor I Haheh... Jailor II I make it ninetyffff...ninetyffff...ninetyffff...ninety-six, sir. Crucifixion Supervisor Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it? Jailor I Nnnnnnno, sir! N-no-not with these bo...bastards, sir! Cu-cu- cruuu-c-c-cru-ughugh-c-c-c-crucifixion's too good for 'em, sir. Crucifixion Supervisor I don't think you could say it's too good for them, it's...it's very nasty! Jailor I Oh, it's not as nn...nnnn...nnn...no...no...noo...not as nasty as something I just thought of, sir. Crucifixion Supervisor Yes. Brian Hm? Crucifixion Supervisor Ehm...now...ehm...crucifixion, is it? Brian Is there someone I could speak to? Crucifixion Supervisor Well... Jailor I I know where to get it, if you want it. Crucifixion Supervisor What?! Jailor II Ehm...d-don't don't worry about hi-him, sir. Heee's dee...he's dee... Jailor II:s hand as he smacks himself on the head [Smack] Jailor II ...he's de...he's de...he's de-de-de... Jailor II:s hand as he smacks himself on the head [Smack] Jailor II ...he's deaf and mmmmmmad, sir. Jailor I Mhrmhrm. Crucifixion Supervisor Well, how did he get the job? Jailor II B-bloody Pilate pet, sir! Jailor I Huhurhm... Wiseguy Get a move on, Bignose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here! Hahahahahahaha! Brian Can I get a lawyer or someone? Crucifixion Supervisor Ehm...d-do you have a lawyer? Brian No, but I'm a Roman. Wiseguy How about a retrial? We've got plenty of time. Guard Shut up, you! Wiseguy Miserable bloody Romans! No sense of humour. Ouh! Crucifixion Supervisor I'm sorry, bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left, one cross each. Now... Jewish Crowd [Immense Laughter] Biggus Dickus Was it thomething I thaid? Pontius Pilate Silence! This man commands a cvack legion! Jewish Crowd Quack! [Laughter] Pontius Pilate He wags Assyrian Vome! Jewish Crowd [Laughter] Crucifixion Supervisor Hrmhrm. Crucifixion party! Morning. Now, we will be on show as we go through the town, so let's not let the sight down! Keep in a good straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam... Prisoner IV Oouuh... Crucifixion Supervisor ...you'll be there in no time. Heh... All right, Centurion! Fat Centurion Crucifixion party! Wait for it...Crucifixion party! By the left! Forward! Crucifixion Party [Moan] [Groan] Prisoner, hanging up-side-down in a cell You lucky bastards! You lucky jabby bastards! Prisoner IV [Groan] [Moan] Samson Let me shoulder your burden, brother! Prisoner IV Oh. Thank you. Samson Uh...ah...hey! Hey! Fat Centurion Hey! What do you think you're doing? Samson Ehm...it's...it's not my cross... Fat Centurion Shut up and get on with it! Come on! Wiseguy Hahahahahahahahahaha! He had you there mate, did he? That would teach you a lesson! Hohohohoho! Pontius Pilate All vight! I will give you one more chance! This time I want to hear no Vuben, no Veginalds, no Vudolf the ved-nosed Veindeers... Biggus Dickus No Thpenther Trathys! Pontus Pilate ...or we shall velease no one! Judith Release Brian! Man in Jewish crowd Oh, yeah, that's a good one! Another man in Jewish Crowd Yeah. Jewish Crowd Velease Bvian! Velease Bvian! [Laughter] Pontius Pilate Very well! That's it! Centurion Sir, we...we have got a Brian, sir. Pontius Pilate What? Centurion Ehm...you just sent him for crucifixion, sir! Pontius Pilate Eh...ehm...wait! Wait! We do have a Bvian. Well, go away and free him, straight away! Centurion Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Pontius Pilate Very well. I shall velease Bvian! Fat Centurion Get a move on, there! Wiseguy Or what? Fat Centurion Or you'll be in trouble! Wiseguy Oh, dear. You mean I won't have to give up being crucified in the afternoons? Fat Centurion Shut up! Wiseguy That would be a blow, wouldn't it? I wouldn't have nothing to do! Fat Centurion's hand against Wiseguy's shoulder [Bladonk] Wiseguy Oh, thank you! Door as it slams against the wall whilst being opened by Centurion [Bladonk] Centurion Are they gone? Jailor I We...we've got lumps of it 'round the ba...ck. Centurion What? Jailor II Oh, don't worry about him sir, he's ma...he's mm...he's ma...he- he-he's mm...mm...he's mm...he's mm... Jailor II's foot against the floor [Stamp] Jailor II He's mad, sir. Centurion Have they gone?! Jailor II Oh, yeah...nnnn...ehm...nn...nna...nnaa... Jailor I Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh... Jailor II ...nnaa...nnnnaa...nnna...nnna...nna...nna...nnna...nnnn...nnn... nnnn... Centurion Oh, come on! Jailor II Nnnnn...yes, sir. Jailor I Huhuh...huhuh... Jailor II Anyway, get on with the story. Jailor I Well, I never really liked them, so I just... Reg Right! That's the motion to get on with it past with but one obstention. And I propose that we go without further ado. May I have a second there for...? Rogers Yes, let's go. Reg Yeah. All right. Centurion Go away! Man getting pushed in the face by the Centurion Ouf! Bloody Romans! Centurion Watch it! Still a few crosses left! Fat Centurion Up you go, Bignose! Bignose Oh, I'll get you for this, you bastard! Fat Centurion Oh, yeah! Bignose Oh yeah, don't worry. I never forget a face. Fat Centurion No! Bignose I warn you. I'm gonna punch you stone hard, you Roman git! Fat Centurion Shut up, you Jewish turd! Bignose Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan! Bearded Man A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section! Fat Centurion It doesn't matter! You're all gonna die in a day or two! Bearded Man It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling? Bearded Man's Wife Oh, rather! Bearded Man Under the terms of the Roman occupancy we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area. Crucified man I Pharisees separate from Sadduces! Crucified man II And Swedish separate and Welsh! Crucifixion Party Yeah, right, yeah! Fat Centurion All right, all right, all right, we'll soon settle this! 'Ands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here! Crucifixion Party Ugh! Aah! Fat Centurion Right! Next! Samson Ah, look, it's not my cross. Fat Centurion What? Samson Ah, it's not my cross, I was ehm...holding it for someone. Fat Centurion Just lie down, I haven't got all day! Samson No, of course, ehm, look, I hate to make fuss, but... Fat Centurion Look... Samson Eh... Fat Centurion We've had a busy day, and there's a hundred and forty of you lot together... Bearded Man Is he Jewish? Fat Centurion Will you be quiet! Bearded Man We don't want any more Samaritans around here. Fat Centurion Belts up! Samson Ehm...would you let me down if he comes back? Fat Centurion Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down. Next! Brian You don't have to do this! You don't have to take orders! Fat Centurion I like orders! Wiseguy See? Not so bad once you're up. You're being rescued then, are you? Brian I'ts a bit...late for that now, isn't it? Wiseguy Oh, no, no, we've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued. Brian Oh? Wiseguy Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me. If he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh. Brian Aah? Wiseguy Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian empire. Huhuhuhuhuh. Hallo. Your family arrived then? Brian Reg! Reg Hello, sibling Brian. Brian Thank God you've come, Reg. Reg Ehm...yes. Well, I think I should point out first Brian in all fairness that we are not in fact the rescue committee, however I have been asked to read out the following prepared statement on behalf of the movement, ehm... "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, Officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisternal greetings to you, Brian on this, the occasion of your martyrdom..." Brian What? Reg "...your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, house and education, wineculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews, of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the P.F.J. etcetera." And I'd just like to add on a personal note, my own admiration for what you're doing for us, Brian, and what must be after all for you a very difficult time. Brian Reg! Wh...what are you going to do? Reg Good-bye Brian, and thanks. Rogers All right, Brian. Keep it up, lad. Loretta Terrific work, Brian. Reg Yeah. Right. Loretta, Rogers, Revolutionary III and Revolutionary VI With? Mhm. Reg And... People's Front of Judea Committee: For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us. Loretta: And so say all of... People's Front of Judea Committee [Applause] Brian You bastards! You bastards! You vacuous malodorous bastards! Centurion Where is Brian of Nazareth? I have an order for his release. Brian You stupid bastards! Wiseguy Ehm...I'm Brian of Nazareth. Brian What? Wiseguy Yeah, I-I-I'm Brian of Nazareth. Centurion Take him down! Brian I'm Brian of Nazareth! Crucified man I I'm Brian! Bignose I'm Brian! Crucified man II Look, look, I'm Brian! Brian I'm Brian! Bearded Man I'm Brian and so is my wife! Crucifixion party I'm Brian! Centurion Right! Take him away and release him! Wiseguy No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian! I was only...believe me, it was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him, I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans, can't take a joke. Crucifixion Assistant I The Judean People's Front! Fat Centurion The Judean People's Front! Judean People's Front Commander Forward, all! Crucifixion Assistant II Look out! The Judean People's Front! Crucifixion Assistant III The Judean People's Front! Crucifixion Assistant IV The Judean People's Front! Judean People's Front Commander We are the Judean People's Front, crack suicide squad. Suicide squad...attack! Judean People's Front committing suicide Augh! Arrgh... Judean People's Front Commander That showed them, huh? Brian You silly sods! Judith Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian Judith! Judith Terrific! Great! Reg has explained it all to me, and I think it's great what you're doing. Thank you, Brian, I'll...I'll never forget you. Mother So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. Just think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you! Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother, in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is "Go ahead! Be crucified! See if I care!". I might have known... Brian But mum! Mother Not fine thee...said...said... Brian Mum! Mum! Mother ...like all young people nowadays, I don't know what the world is coming to... Crucifixion Party [Silence] Crucified Man III Cheer up, Brian! You know what they say? Crucified Man III: Some things in life are bad they can really make you mad, other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle! And this'll help things turn out for the best: And...always look on the bright side of life, Crucified Man III [Whistle] Crucified Man III: Always look on the light side of life, Crucified Man III [Whistle] Crucified Man III: If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten, and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing, when you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps, just perch your lips and whistle, that's the key. And always look on the bright side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucifixioned Man III Come on! Crucifixioned Man III: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucified Man III & Crucified Man IV: For life is quite absurd, and death's the final word, you must always face the curtain with a bow, forget about your sin, give the audience a grin, Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: enjoy, it's your last chance anyhow. So, always look on the bright side of death. Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: Ah, just before you draw your terminal breath, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucified Man III: Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it, life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, people laughing as you go, just remember that the last laugh is on you! Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: And always look on the bright side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: Always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucifixioned Man III Come on, Brian! Cheer up! Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: Always look on the bright side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucifixioned Man III Worse things happens to see, you know. Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucifixioned Man III I mean, what have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost? Nothing! Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucified Man III Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say? Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucified Man III Cheer up, you old bugger! Come on! Give us a grin! There you are! See? The end of the film. Incidentally, this record is available in the forehands. Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucified Man III Summer's got to live as well, you know? Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party [Whistle] Crucified Man III They're not gonna make their money back, you know. I told them. I said to them. Bernie, I said they'll never make their money back. Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: Always look on the right side of life... Crucifixion Party [Whistle] MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN was written and performed by GRAHAM CHAPMAN JOHN CLEESE TERRY GILLIAM ERIC IDLE TERRY JONES MICHAEL PALIN Music composed by GEOFFREY BURGON Conducted by MARCUS DODS SONGS: "BRIAN" Music by ANDRE JACQUEMIN and DAVID HOWMAN Arranged by Sung by TREVOR JONES SONIA JONES "BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE" Music by ERIC IDLE Arranged by JOHN ALTMAN 2nd Assistant Director 3rd Assistant Director MELVIN LIND MATTHEW BINNS Tunisian Assistant Directors Production Assistants HMIDA BEN AMMAR JENNIE RAGLAN LOTFI THABET NICOLE SOUCHAL SLIM MZALI Camera Grips Focus Loaders FRANK BATT MICHAEL BREWSTER ALAN ANNAND SADOK BEN AMOR HECHIM CHERIF Tunisian Production Department ALI CHERIF AHMED ATTIA TARAK HARBI HABIB CHAARI CLAUDE GUILLENE JAZZI ABDERRAZAK MOULDI KRIDEN Stills Photographer Chief Electrician DAVID APPLEBY ROY RODHOUSE Assistant Sound Engineers DUSHKO INDJIC PHIL CHUBB 1st Assistant Editor 2nd Assistant Director Effects Editor RODNEY GLENN JOHN MISTER TONY ORTON Asst. Dubbing Editors CHRIS WELCH SIMON BAILEY Music Mixers KEITH GRANT ANDRE JACQUEMIN STEVE JAMES Production Accountant Accounts Secretary RON SWINBURNE HAFIDA OURTANI Asst. Accountant Tunisian Accountant HAZEL CHROMBIE RIDHA TURKI Scenic Artist Modeller JOHN SPOTSWOOD KEITH SHORT Construction Crew RICHARD JONES CRAIG HILLIER PETER VERARD ROBERT MASON GRAHAM BULLOCK ALAN SEABROOK ERIC NASH GORDON IZOD MICHAEL MELIA ROY CLARKE DAVID WIGGINS DENNIS HARRISON BUNNY SOUTHALL Electrical Department REG PARSONS BRIAN SMITH LES RODHOUSE DON MATTON CHUCK FINCH KAMEL KARDOUS MOHAMED SAHLI Animation and Model Department TIM CLIVE DENNIS DEGROOT KATE HEPBURN VAL CHARLTON RUPERT ASHMORE ROBERT PRATT TONY ANDREWS MICHAEL BEARD Matte Paintings ABACUS Optical Effects KENT HOUSTON and PAUL WHITBREAD Peerless Camera Co. Ltd. London Business Manager ANNE HENSHAW Executive Producer for Tunisia TARAK BEN AMMAR Shot on location in Tunisia. The Producers would like to thank the Tunisian Authorities for facilitating the shooting of the film. Public Relations HandMade Representative PETER THOMPSON PATRICIA BURGESS Location Assistants SALLIE HAMPTON Producer's Assistant CHRISTINA BIZIOU HILARY SANDISON Art Dept. Secretary Bibliography Assistant PATRICIA CHRISTIAN CHRISTINE MILLER London Contacts SALLY BALL BETTY SWINBURNE CAREY FITZGERALD Processed at RANK FILM LABORATORIES LTD. DENHAM, BUCKS Sound Re-recorded at TREVOR PYKE SOUND LTD. LONDON W.1. DOLBY STEREO Dolby Sound Consultant DAVID WATTS Music Recorded at OLYMPIC SOUND STUDIOS CHAPPELL RECORDING STUDIOS REDWOOD RECORDING STUDIOS Camera Equipment from JOE DUNTON CAMERAS Lighting by LEE ELECTRICS (LIGHTING) LTD. Wigs, beards, etc. by WIGS SPECIALITIES, LONDON KENNETH LINTOTT Costumes from BERMANS & NATHANS, LONDON GPVL, ROME PERLIZZI, ROME Military Uniforms from RANCATL, ROME Shoes from POMPEIL, ROME Location Catering by MEMMO of ROME Additional Location Facilities from ROMA TRASPORTI CINEMATOGRAFICE, ROME Made by HANDMADE FILMS. 26 Cadogan Square, London SW1X C0P, England Copyright ¸ PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD. All rights reserved If you have enjoyed this film, why not go and see "La Notte"?