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unrequieted dreams in the life of a cat
Saturday, 7 May 2005

There is no room here for me. No room for one stupid little girl who thought she was special. All my life I thought I was here for something. Here to change lives, to change the world. Here for something special, something great that only I could do. Here to touch people, touch souls. Make a difference. But tonight I've realized these are stupid dreams for a stupid girl who never could grow up. Never could cope right, never could accept reality as it is, as it's going to be. There is nothing special here. Nothing great that I could ever do, will ever do. No breath taking beautiful paintings, no captivating and compelling photographs to be hung in art gallery windows, no next great American novel spilling forth from my ink pens.... Nothing. No great play to be held proudly next to Shakespear's in comparison. Because I'm just like everyone else. Doomed to waste my life just like everyone else doing the same thing as everyone else. I never wanted to be just like everyone else. I felt in my heart, in my very soul there was some higher meaning for me, I felt it like a frantic tug. Like there was some sort of line tied to my heart and it pulled so hard that there were days I felt as if my heart were going to be yanked out of my chest to follow that pulling before my body was able to. I felt in my heart that this tugging little line lead to great things. Wonderful life altering things that I was to be a part of. But I realized tonight just how stupid that was. There is nothing special in me, about me, for me to do. nothing. And I feel so stupid to have ever given space in my head to these stupid little fantisies. Like I said, I'm just a stupid little girl who thought she was special. Just a stupid little girl who thought she was more than she could ever truely be.

divinerevelations from Cat, the almighty at 2:26 AM EDT
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Wednesday, 27 April 2005
I spent mywhole day in sanitation land.
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: joydrop
WELL. this day has been a far cry from normal...
Lets see, I've been having some slight breathing difficulties for about 2 days now, nothing awful. Yesterday I got a really bad cough to go alon with it. So I went to the doctor and they gave me cold pills (Guaifensin with Pseudoephedrine) and sent me on my merry way. I took my first one last night around 7:30 pm and hope for the best cuz I feel like crap. Of course, nothing can EVER be that simple. What?! a cold pill cure all Cat's recent sickness? Would i ever be so luck?? I think not. So, of course, the breathing gets steadily worse all night to the point that I sleep NONE, because laying down makes the breathing problem even worse. around 3am my chest starts to hurt. at 4:30 am I take my second pill (I'm supposed to take 2 a day). Around 5am my chest starts to hurt so bad I thought I was having a heart attack or something nuts like that and I can't breath AT ALL. I mean I'm walking around doubled over and I sound like a 150 year old woman who just ran up and down steps 30 times and managed not to break ahip by falling. at 8:45am I FINALLY get in touch with my doctors office to try to make an appointment to find out what's going on because atthis point I think I could be having an allergic reaction of some sort. I tell them that and the next thing you know some nurse is freaking out telling me I need to call 911 and go to the hospitol because this is really serious and I tell her I'll just wait for my mom to come home from work andtake me (there's no way I'm getting my butt on an ambulance). So, my doctor's nurse calls me every two minutes to make sure I'm still alive I guess and scolding me for not getting to the emergency room quicker untill my mom finally walks in the door. Thus begins the wonderful day in the emergency room for Cat.
Eric, My mom, and I all wait in the emergency room waiting area for my turn for an hour or so, the send me (ALONE, might I add) to the creepy "someone just died here and you showed up 2 minutes after they wiped the poor guys blood up off the floor" curtianed room. They tell me I have to take my shirt andbra off and put on the hospitol backless dress thing, and of course I'm already freezing cold ANDI'm scared cuz I can't breath. Bad enough to be scared over that, but lets add into the mix, I have something of a phobia of hospitols, something about death possibly lurking around any random corner, andwhat if he makes a mistake and thinks your room number is where that girl who got hit by a car is and takes you away by mistake?? I just don't think so, feel the same way about nursing homes. They smell so clean there is nothing but the scent of fresh death you could be trying to cover up with all that sanitary air smell. ANYWHO... back to the real story....
So I put the stupid dress on, sit down on the bed and try to get some simblanceof comfy when "Oh, sorry ms....*checks chart* Hucks. We've decided that we're going to move you to the fast track so you can be seen sooner. I'f you'll just follow me right this way..." and I get paraded through the hospitol hallways in aback less dress that I can't even reach behind me to at least tie closed cuz my chest hurts so bad. (I did, thankfully, get to keep my pants ON). So after I almost flashed 50 hospitol employees I get to ANOTHER room and find out, they have no idea WHAT'S wrong with me, except that they are very sure I'm not having a reaction to the medicine because it's to benign. So now I get to be TESTED!!! HORAY!!!!
I get chest x-rays done, not so badexcept that at this point standingfor long periods of time makes me run out of breath really bad, thus complicating my problem. Next, I get some sort of pill that's a sedative and it calms me down. Right about the time that's kickin in good they bring in a breaathing treatment similar to the one my grandma has to do for her emphazema. So now I'm way to chill from the pill and slightly buzzed from the funny breathy thingy. the fumes I had to enhale were awful, they stuck to my mouth and made it feel like my teeth were going to corrode out of my head. But, I can breath some now. So I fall asleep quite out of it, when all of a sudden I open myeyes and there's a nurse standing over me with a big needle, and I know this can't be good. She sticks itin my vien and draws 4 BIG VILES OF MY BLOOD. I hate needles. And I'm not all that straight headed at that moment. So all I could do Is keep asking Ericif my bone marrow would please make me new blood because they stole mine. Then they start testing me for blood clots in my legs and stuff but that wasn't it. Then they hook me up to an ECG machine and let me know my heart rate is way to high. THEN, after ALL of this, They tell me, oh, you have asthma. ASTHMA!!!! If someone comes in telling you they CAN'T BREATH, after you rule out crazy drug reactions, shouldn't something like ASTHMA be the FIRST THING YOU SHOULD CHECK FOR?!?!?!?! Asthma, after all, makes you not able to breath...... Hours of pain and confussion, for an inhaler, getting to be a momentary pin cusion, and some more pills. I feel jipped. If I have to spend that muchtime in a horrifying place like that, I think I should walk out with a cute puppy in a basket and my own television show. Bare minimum. Now, all that being said, these are the pictures of all my crappy emergency room memorabelia.....

Link to Photo Album memorabilia from hell

divinerevelations from Cat, the almighty at 10:03 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 27 April 2005 10:21 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 26 April 2005
argh..... sticky lungs.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: the pounding in my own head... this music bites.

I'm sick as crap. Went to the doctor cuz I'm weezy and sickly. My chest hurts cuz I'm coughin like crazy. my nose is on overdrive so it's so full of snot I think it's gonna explode (how gross! I'll take pictures for y'all if it happens!). I can't breath at all. I can't sleep cuz I wake up every thirty minutes in a panic cuz I can't breath. Yup. It sucks lots. But, the doctor gave me magical pills (that are bigger than a donkey... well you know) so it should all go away soon. Or we hope so. Otherwise the pills will have odd and maybe a little worrisome side effects on me... although supresed appetites DO help with wieght loss..... hung out with Penchan last night (I have pics of that too, I'll post soon!). Played with plants and watched wrestling (first time ever, it was quite humerous). I have to say, this "Triple H" wierdo has AWFUL acting skills, but his hair is BEAUTIFUL! I'm jealous, I wish my hair was so pretty. As I also wish that I could have MY facial hair professionaly dyed to look the same color as my beautiful mane of hair... yup... this guy has pumped WAAAAAY to many steroids... and please.... if you HAVE to do an act before you get to the fun beat the poop out of someone part of the show, TAKE ACTING LESSONS! idiot. (no offense to wrestling fans... I greatly enjoyed the fighting and violence, the acting was the pits however. I think they should just show us the fights and drop the story line... I don't care if the million pound crazy mohawk wearing black man is taking the hot little slut out to dinner... I just wanna see the big man pound someone. isn't this what REAL wrestling's all about? maybe I should give it up for boxing? no... I just would miss those funny looking canadians who wanna be frenchmen in sparkly gay-man suits. It's to much fun...)

divinerevelations from Cat, the almighty at 8:19 PM EDT
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Monday, 25 April 2005
I say... take me out
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Modest Mouse.... World At Large
world at large

Holy Shit! burning inscence in cars is AMAZING! Or... maybe I'm just a wierdo. But who really cares? Who has the TIME to care??? WHO?!!!??! I ask you... WHOOOOOOOO!!!??? I don't... I do, however, haveplentyof time to SKIP OUT ON WORK! And all for the self righteous cause of finding an incsense burner to be used in my car.... and see my grandma...
SOOOOO... anywho. I'm broke... makes it harder to support my chosen habbits... GOOD thing I have friends to help me out there... more on that later... yeah... fuckin nuts.
Well, it's sorta painful trying to start a new journal. I had one at live journal,but I couldn't get it to do what i wanted itto do, so I gave up (cuz I'm a quitter with ADD!) and made a new one. I have to figure new things out, I'm catering to different audiences here... I have to feel it out.. be cautious and secretive like the first day on a job...
I like pot, I love to smoke it, I love any mind altering substance you're willing to give me for free. Pills? Typical lunch. DXM? cold medicine is greater quantities should not be scoffed at! Alcohol? I'm SO glad I'm finally 21 and I'd like to thank all those kind enough to buy for an underaged chick! I've ditched cops... AND gotten away with it! Oh, for christs sake... I bought an inscense burner for my car... is it not completely obvious what my prefered passtimes are??? If you want to knowmoreabout my beginings click the link to my OLD journal.

divinerevelations from Cat, the almighty at 12:29 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 25 April 2005 12:37 AM EDT
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