Last night I stayed over with marissa. we were going to go to church with Gary, and all hang out. Suddenly Gary cancelled and so marissa and i decided to stay home and eat raviollies. At about nine o'clock, Gary called to speak with Marissa. She looked really upset all of a sudden and said "Gary are you going to do something stupid?" she got up and walked to her room. I followed her trying to figure out what was going on, although I had the feeling that he was going to kill himself. When we got into her room, Marissa started shaking really badly. She asked "Are you going to kill yourself?" and suddenly it was like a dam was opened, tears were pouring down her cheeks. I kept wanting to laugh, it was a joke, a mean and evil joke, but a joke all the same... it had to be. she kept talking to him for about five or ten more minutes. When she finally hung up with him, she told me that Gary had been planning for the last three weeks to kill himself and that he wanted us to meet him at the end of the road in about ten minutes. We told her mom that his parents weren't allowing Gary to see any of his friends ever again and that he was really upset and needed to talk. We headed out to meet him, and when we got to the edge of theroad he wasn't there so we kept walking. we made small talk basically trying to convince ourselves that everything would be all right. when we finally met up with him, he started off with " well you both know why we're out here..." thats when it dawned on me that he was serious, it wasn't a game, he was really gunna kill himself. My head started spinning, my stomach was in my chest and these icy-hot tears were pouring down my plump cheeks. Evidently I'm a noisy cryer because he rushed over and said " Kimber you know the rule, no crying. Now come on don't cry for me, I'm not worth the tears, you're gunna make me start crying again." but I couldn't stop. Then for the first time in my whole time knowing him, he wrapped me in his arms and held me. An actual hug from the King of no hugs. I was amazed and scared that things were so bad that he would do this. He kept shhing me and trying to calm me down. I kept blubbering "It's not fair! It's NOT fair!" He responded "Whats not fair? Kimber I'm a bad person I don't deserve to live." "But Gary things can get better, they always get better." "no they won't" "don't you know how many people love you?" "No kimber I don't, and I don't need to know." Then we kept walking and he turned to Marissa and said "Sketch promised to look out for you and to keep you safe." "Sketch? WHy not you?" She shot back at him. "Marissa, you know why. And you promised not to kill yourself when I do. I didn't make Kimber promise so I have no authority over her." "great, you'll kill yourself then KImber will kill herself, and then I'll be completely alone." "No you won't you have Savannah and Chantal and Victoria" *snorts* "you and kimber are the only people I've truly let get close to me." Then I threw in "Marissa you know I wouldn't kill myself unless you did." Gary said "Marissa thats why you have to stay alive, to keep it from being a cycle, if you die then Kimber dies, then someone else dies and it goes on and on." her response was "well why don't you stay alive and just keep it all from happening?" "marissa, you know i can't do this anymore" " whats it matter if i break promise, you'll be dead anyways!" He said "Don't say that! DON'T SAY THAT! Thats why I told sketch to watch over you, so you don't start cutting again, so you don't die." "Gary i'll be dead." "You PROMISED not to kil yourself!" "I'LL DIE FROM GREIF GARY! GREIF!" Then he said he was walking back to Marissa's house and he wasn't going to leave us until we calmed down. He paused for a moment and said " Kimber, that means you too" I had been hypervenilating most of this time and was on the verge of passing out right there. I took a deep breath and tried to slow my breathing. He then said "If I am meant tostay alive, then the gun will some how jam and I'll apologize for all the greif I've put everyone through" Evidently I didn't do a good job of fixing my breathing because a couple minutes later he put down his kickstand and took a flashlight out of his pocket ( I thought it was the gun and for a second my heart stopped) and took the jacket off. He walked over to me, balled the jacket up and put it up to my face. I laughed because I thought Marissa had told him about how I love peoples smells and how it comforts me and makes me calm down. but instead of making me smell it (which I did anyways, quite nice actually) he gently wiped the tears from my eyes. He softly whispered "No tears Kimber, no tears. Everything will be okay, I promise." In a voice loud enough so that Marissa could also hear, he added "In two weeks you all will have forgotten me any how" I shook my head and said "No we won't, we won't ever forget you, and YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" He chuckled and said "Yes I can, I have to I've done really bad things. I've gone to rape parties. Does that give you an idea of the kind of things I've done and why I don't deserve to live?" we were all silent, but it was apparent that we didn't care about the stupid parties. "then he said "You both are like my sisters, I might have acted like a jerk to you, but i've always liked you both. When I die I want you both to read my journals and see how much I loved you guys." I said "we don't want some stupid book, we want YOU" He solemnly shook his head. when we neared Marissa's road, he said " Marissa, you'll fall in love with Jiff, and have bunches of kids and be so happy." Marissa said "No, I won't marry anyone, I won't love anyone else, something bad always happens" they hugged and then he put his arm around my shoulder and said "And Kimber you will be rich and famous and live in a huge house with kids and a huge pool in the backyard. You'll fall madly in love with some handsome guy and he'll love you forever. You'll never be sad again.And you'll have a yacht." I kept crying, I wanted him to live so badly. I didn't love him like I used to, but I still loved him with all I had. We got up to the house and Gary said he was going to call his dad and tell him the truth. We got into the kitchen and he went and called his parents to let them know that he made it to her house and that he was off the roads. Rissa and I were sitting there waiting for him to get off and then we heard "Are you really sure you want to know whats going on? Are you REALLY sure?" we looked at eachother. then a few minutes later he was back in the kitchen and getting some orange juice. Then Marissa's mom said we could go into rissa's room to have more privacy. We all headed there and i plopped myself on the ground by the end of the bed, Marissa sat on the other end of the bed and gary sat between us. I had this unscratchable itch underneath my skin and I was clawing at it trying to make it go away. gary saw my hand which was slightly bleeding and said "Nervous habit?" I meekly nodded my head and felt ashamed because i was using my alternative to cutting right there in front of them both. I quit and resorted to playing with my fingers. we talked some and i kept crying and Gary kept telling me not to. Finally we heard a faint knock on the door and Marissa croaked "yeah?" A woman who sounded like Marissa's mom answered "open up" Marissa obeyed and Gary said "They didn't just send dad, they sent mom too." His dad said "Come on son" and gary weakly let out "No, I can't" Marissa and I felt the tension and got up to let them be alone. A while later they all came out and Gary hugged Marissa and whispered in her ear so softly I'm sure Marissa barely heard "I love you" She whispered back equally as soft "I love you too". then he turned to me and hugged me. On his way out the door, I said "Gary we love you" He said back "I love you too." then Marissa and went back to her room to talk about things. At 11:07 PM, we called him to see what was going on. When we called he was packing his stuff to go to Lifestream, and he said cops were on their way. He didn't know when he'd be backk for good, but that he could come home on the week ends. He said that if he got phone calls he would call Marissa and that she could update me. That was it. As of now, he is in Lifestream. He should be safe and get better. But during the walk, he told Marissa and I that if his parents found out and stopped him they would send hime to Lifestream, but that he would escape just like last time and that he would kill himself then. I'm scared. I don't want him to die. He doesn't deserve to die. His voice was so scary, it was emotionless, it was monotonous. I've never heard it like that. I was scared. Why is this happening to him? Oh God, why?