-4/8/04-
today i went skating with lyss and taught her how to ollie and manual. haha i'm so proud of myself. i just wish i had someone really good that i could skate with (hint hint hint hint to kyle). yeah but all day i have had these two songs stuck in my head, and so i think i will post them for all of my friends to see. vwala (sp)~~~~~*~
Jane Doe
These floods of you are unforgiving Pushing passed me spilling through the banks And I fall Faster than light and faster than time That's how memory works At least in the dark where I'm searching for meaning When I'm just searching for something I want out Out of every ackward day Out of every tongue tied loss I want out Out of the burdening nightsweats Out of the rising seas of blood Lost in you like saturday nights Searching the streets with bedroom eyes Just dying to be saved Run on girl, run on
and of course___the absolute corniest punkrock song EVER, but hey it is really good behind all of the sap....lol_____
Empty Apartment
Call me out, You stayed inside. Run your love, It's where you hide. Shot me down, As i flew by. Crash and burn, I need some sign, To forget where the heart is..
Answer no, To these questions. Let her go, Learn a lesson. It's not me, Your not listenin'. Now can't you see, Somthings missin'. You forget where the heart is...
Take you away, From that empty apartment. You stay, And forget where the heart is. Someday, If ever you love me. You'd say, It's ok...
Solo
Waking up, From this nightmare. How's your life? Whats it like there? Is it all? What you wanted it to be? Does it hurt? When you think about me? And how broken my heart is...
Take you away, From that empty apartment. You stay, And forget where the heart is. Someday, If ever you love me. You'd say, It's ok...
Its ok to be angry, And never let go. It only gets harder, The more that you know. When you lonely, If noones around. You know that i'll catch you, When your falling down. We came together, But you left alone. And I know how it feels, To walk out on your own. Maybe someday, I'll see you again. You'll look into my eyes, And call me your friend.
Take you away, From that empty apartment. You stay, And forget where the heart is. Someday, If ever you love me. You'd say, It's ok...
-4/7/04-
mood-bored, tired, thoughtful, creative, wanting. music-lovesong by the cure, empty apartment by yellowcard
have you ever said something really stupid, that was meant to be a joke but then because of something you didn't know about, it really hurt someone??? i hate that. it causes good feelings to turn into awkward moments. and i am very depressed, which seems at the moment to be out of place, because it is spring break and everything. one of my friends from tech and school had a very sick best friend- i think she had a terminal cancer. she died yesterday....and she was only twelve. she was my age and she died. well anyway.........it's not like i knew her....but i still pray for the family and every one of my friends reading this should, as well. life is an unfair place and this just proves it. if anyone thinks their life is shit, or that it's hard, they should think of this girl and how her life must have been, and they should get over their trivial issues very quick.
but anyway.....my friend lyss is coming over tomorrow to skate and whatnot...that should go really well since shes one of my best frineds, if not the best. i have a dermo appointment tomorrow too....yuck. today i was home alone just left to myself, so went skating for like three hours and i wrote a lot.i wrote this awesome song on the guitar about how i feel about dan....and it's pretty deep. he broke my heart like 6 months ago and tho we have stayed friends, but to me its like our whole relationship now is half assed on his part. well, whatever. him not inviting me to his huge birthday party was just the coup de grace in showing how much he doesn't care. he told me not to take it personally, and that it was just cos he could only invite so many people, but i can see thru that. i'm not stupid (don't answer that...lol). he didn't want me to be around emily and camille cos he thought that would ruin his party, or something. he is a cold person. grr. well, anyway...heres the song. (note to kyle---haha... dan is my ex, and we fight a lot and he is really annoying...he is no competition, don't worry...). lol.
my face to scars~
i am so tired but i can't sleep each tear that falls burns my face to blisters and to my heart, memories of you seep no one is there but i can still hear whispers
could i go back to the first that look that you gave to me- with a mona-lisa smile on your lips i used to close my eyes and you were all i could see- on the backs of my heavy lids
now i know that i'm nothing to you you have put me in my place there is sarcasm in you pathatic attempts to put that old smile on my face
now i know that you were my fatal mistake how did it make you feel to see my swollen heart break?
this must have been written with creepy losers like myself in mind___
Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before But you never really had a doubt I don't believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I would Like to say to you I don't know how
Because maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me? And after all You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day But they'll never throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you're not to do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding And all the lights that light the way are blinding There are many things that I would like to say to you I don't know how
I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me? And after all You're my wonderwall
I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me? And after an You're my wonderwall
Said maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me
-4/6/04-
well, i went to tech today. i'm so freaked out about it because the conference (that word makes me feel intelligent) is in only two and a half weeks. i know that i shouldn't be nervous---my car is almost done and everything else is pretty much in the same condition as it, being done or almost so. i think what i'm mostly excited/nervous/syked about is seeing keegan again, and the fact that i feel like when i see him i'll do something stupid or spazz out or....something, i don't know. i'm not even sure what that is. he is one of my favourite friends/people, and i suppose i just feel this way because we haven't been with each other for a long time and he will remember everything; as will i. anyway. in other news i'm franticly (well, not really) trying to do something with kyle over break, and with the absence of lydia due to her trip to florida (l-u-c-k-y h-e-r!!!) i have plenty of time for him. i can't tell how he feels and it frustrates me becuse i know exactly how it is that i feel, and want him to feel this way back. i am such a complicated person. what a drag. i went out and bought some random stuff with saved up allowances, like a yellowcard cd (its only okay) and some strappy high heeled leather shoes for easter, whjich is this sunday. i think i'm hanging out with my family in yonkers, which is good cos they're awesome. well, i'll leave you with a cradle of filth cover of an iron maiden song that was stuck in my head all day. it is a classic. ---
Hallowed Be Thy Name
[Iron Maiden Cover]
I'm waiting in my cold cell when the bell begins to chime Reflecting on my past life and it doesn't have much time
Cos at 5 o'clock they take me to the Gallows Pole The sands of time for me are running low
When the priest comes to read me the last rites I take a look through the bars at the last sights Of a world that has gone very wrong for me
Can it be there's some sort of error Hard to stop the surmounting terror Is it really the end not some crazy dream
Somebody please tell me that I'm dreaming It's not so easy to stop from screaming But words escape me when I try to speak Tears they flow but why am I crying After all I am not afraid of dying Don't believe that there is never an end
As the guards march me out to the courtyard Someone calls from a cell "God be with you" If there's a God then why has he let me die? As I walk all my life drifts before me And though the end is near I'm not sorry Catch my soul cos it's willing to fly away Mark my words please believe my soul lives on Please don't worry now that I have gone I've gone beyond to see the truth When you know that your time is close at hand Maybe then you'll begin to understand Life down there is just a strange illusion.
4/5/04
my head is spinning and all i can see is the nucleic light before the blast of the bomb that is them; and i shudder alone boiling in my own depression and angst and the frustration in knowing that it is more than feeling alone; that i am, without any doubt, alone in my own right. all i can do is sift through the splinters that are my eyes- the scratchyness of wool that is my obstructed vision of them-those which are made of manufactured plastic, that dwell in the shrine of their surgeries, with prosthetic hearts beating for their own vanity...they are completely aware of this insesscant beating...i laugh knowting that they enjoy it. so crumple up this hopless universe like a dry, week-old newspaper and watch the cinders in the hearth as they burn and coil like ciggarettes...tasting so bitter and feeling so sweet like the blond hairs standing up on the back of their necks.
haha. i wrote that yesterday!!!! :) . like it??? :) .
i'm usually not that serious. i guess every day or so i'll post some new writings, or some lyrics that are in my head for the day. we shall see. lol.
-4/8/04-