Burdens of a Depressive Mind
Fire Angel

Disclaimer: I'll admit here that I do not own Gackt, Hyde, nor any other J-Rocker mentioned in this story, nor do I claim to know them. Their lives and actions are not mine, however, in this story I've taken them and twisted them to do my own free will. Therefore - their actions here, whilst based on things they've said in interviews and such, are not necessarily true. This is not gospel. It's fiction. Take it or leave it. ^^

Chapter 6

Another week passed. I spent my days entangled on my bed with Mana or, alternately, You, waiting in patient fright for the foreboding sound of the ringing phone that would surely turn out to be either an angry friend, co-star or manager. I had learnt to fear the phone; it only ever brought bad news, or sometimes, worse news.

Although Hyde, at least, had stopped calling. And it appeared that he hadn’t phoned management to quit his starring role in ‘Moon’, either. The only reason I knew he was still alive was the fact that Shinji called every day with the news that he (Hyde) had visited our mutual friend – either screamingly angry, deathly quiet, or in hopeless tears. I felt really, really terrible, and with every day that passed, I found that I hated myself more. But I was too stubborn – and too afraid – to call him up. So I didn’t. Which made me feel even worse. Which in turn made me more afraid to call him.

It was a vicious cycle. And, I thought, well and truly the end of any friendship I had ever forged with my idol.

I guess, however, I underestimated his persistence.

One afternoon (on a Mana day), I was lying across my paramour’s naked chest while he puffed away on a post-coital cigarette and gently ran the fingers of his free hand through my hair and across my back, massaging the muscles gently and relaxingly, while he hummed what could possibly become the new single of the re-incarnated (and vocally-changed) Malice Mizer, while he watched me with his adoring eyes, telling me without words how much he cared about me. (I, personally, had my nose wrinkled up in determination – I will not ask Mana for a cigarette, I will not. The smell, after all, was very inviting mixed with the smell of sex in the way it was.)

Mana shifted a little, tangling his legs with mine. “You know, Gacchan,” he breathed in my ear, making the smell of the smoke waft deliciously over my nose, “I just can’t get over how this has all turned out.”

No. Neither can I. You shouldn’t be here, damn you, Hyde should be. It would’ve been funny, if it weren’t so tragic. I adored my friend but resented him at the same time. I adored him for comforting me when I couldn’t have the person I wanted but… I resented him for not being the person I wanted. It was all too confusing. All too painful. I hesitated for a moment before responding…

…and was saved by the bell. Literally. Just as I opened my mouth to attempt an innocent-faced, “Whatever do you mean by that, Mana-chan?”, someone outside pressed his or her finger impatiently to my doorbell and left it there, startling my lover and I out of our dreamy tangled naked state as a loud, constant buzz echoed through the entirety of my house.

Within seconds, I’d gone from being peacefully and nakedly curled up with Mana on my bed to hitting the roof in astonishment and then stumbling out of bed, surprise, gratitude and slight annoyance fighting for top spot in my emotional priority list. (Who’s so fucking persistent with a fucking buzzer anyway? The stupid fucker…… Okay, more than slight annoyance I guess.) I grabbed for my bathrobe, fastening it tightly across my waist, and stormed violently downstairs with a sweetly called, “I’ll be back soon, Mana-chaaan!” (Juxtaposition, anyone?)

Once there, I tore open the door with the deepest, darkest frown known to mankind, ready to blast whichever idiot had invaded on my sex-time for doing just that. But then, upon opening the door, the glowering scowl on my face was almost immediately transformed into a sweet and fake look of welcome and glee.

“Hyde-chan!!!!!” I exclaimed with the approximate pitch and velocity of your average L’Arc~en~ciel fangirl. “How nice to see you!!!!!”

My sugar-coated welcome was responded to with a rough shove at my chest that sent me sprawling violently to the floor of the entranceway as Hyde stepped in and glared down at me, looking oddly intimidating despite his girlish features and small stature. “Fuck you, you fucking pretender,” he snarled. “Just fucking ignore me, why don’t you.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, feigning innocence. “I haven’t-”

“Don’t fucking try that shit with me, asshole!” Hyde snapped, grabbing me by the wide collar of my robe and yanking me roughly to my feet, glaring up at me now and continuing, “You’ve ignored my calls, my e-mails, my messages, fuck, you even ignored me outright when I called to you the other day after our fucking board meeting! Decided I’m not good fucking enough for you, have you? Well? What is your fucking problem exactly, loser?”

“Hyde-chan…”

“In case you can’t tell, genius, I’m not very happy with you,” he growled in response to the use of ‘-chan’ on the end of his name. “Be careful how you address me, Gackt, I’d like some respect please, if it’s not too much fucking trouble. I am, after all, your contracted movie star. Asshole,” he muttered.

I bit my lip, trying not to burst into tears. “In that case, would you like to move into the living-”

“No I would not. We can settle this here.”

“Ummm…”

“Well? What’s the fucking problem, Gackt? You gonna tell me or what?”

“I… I’ve been going through some… life difficulties lately…”

“You think I don’t fucking know that?! For fuck’s sake, I’m the one who you cried to after you tried to fucking slit your fucking wrists!” As he spoke, something in Hyde’s face changed, and suddenly there were tears in his eyes. “I’ve been worried about you, you selfish bastard!” he cried, turning away to conceal his emotion. “And all you’ve done is fucking ignore me!”

“Hyde, I asked you not to worry,” I said fretfully, biting my lip to stop my own tears from spilling. “I told you to forget…”

“Who forgets the fresh scars they see on their friend’s wrists? What bastard would ever lose such an image from his head? No one! Gackt, you couldn’t fucking expect me to forget that, could you? No! Never! Fucking never. So of course I was worried… all I wanted to do was contact you. And of course, you ignored my calls. Why?” he asked, sounding pained, as he turned back to look at me, a single tear streaking from his blue-contacted eyes.

“I told you, I didn’t know-”

“Didn’t know my fucking ass!” Hyde yelled, angry again, but still crying. “I called you more than ten times a day! I e-mailed you three times weekly! I phoned your keitai constantly! I even fucking chased you down as you hauled ass out of the press conference – and why did you run? To fucking avoid me!! You ran away so you wouldn’t have to speak to me!! Deny it, Gackt! Go on, fucking deny it!”

“I… I…”

“That’s right, you can’t deny it, because I speak the truth! So…”

“I was embarrassed,” I broke in, still lying but at least giving a reason now. “I was embarrassed because you saw me so vulnerable and yet…… I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to you. Call it stupid pride. Call it whatever you like, I don’t care. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t lie to me, Gackt,” Hyde said sadly, his perfect face falling into a distressed, disappointed expression. “Please don’t lie.”

“I’m not-”

“Look, for whatever the reason, it happened,” he interrupted then, fresh tears welling in his beautiful eyes and making me cry too. “And… I don’t know if you want to see me anymore at all, but… I came to clear my conscience. I came here because…” Hyde broke off here, biting his lip anxiously.

“I…… I lied to you that morning. I know what you dreamt about.”

My eyes opened wide. No… Was it possible? Hyde knew. He’d known for a long time. I’d made a fool of myself. So then… it’d been good for me that I was ignoring him. But… he… didn’t seem angry. He felt guilty because he hadn’t told me. And so he should, I realised, anger reaching my own heart. How dare him. How could he keep that from me, knowing it would cause me embarrassment? What a bastard. And he called himself my friend.

And… he knew how I felt about him.

The world as I knew it fell apart at that moment in my mind. He knew. How was it possible? He knew, he knew… I felt so stupid. I wondered if I could grab his belt and use it to hang myself right then and there. Oh my God oh my God I’d never been so embarrassed in my entire life and… Our friendship, I knew then, was well and truly over, and…

I stared at him in blank wonder. “You… do?” I asked helplessly, feeling my knees quiver and give way. I would’ve hit the tiled floor of my entranceway if my friend-cum-knowing-crush hadn’t rushed forward to support me in time.

“I… I do,” Hyde admitted in a whisper, averting his eyes from my wide, horrified ones as he clamped his white teeth down on his quivering lower lip. “I’m sorry.”

“I… I don’t understand…”

“I sat there and watched you sleep!” he yelled at me, his voice breaking emotionally as his hands tightened painfully on my shoulders. “I watched you as you tossed from side to side and called out my name! And…”

He knew.

I felt so stupid.

I couldn’t hear any more of his truthful – yet painful – accusations. I couldn’t. So, with a loud sob of hopeless shame and embarrassment, I yanked away from his gently supporting arms and stumbled to my feet.

“Get out,” I whispered, closing my eyes.

“Wha~? Why?” Hyde asked angrily, stepping closer until I could feel his hot breath hitting my chin. He punched me roughly in the chest. “Why?!” he demanded again.

My eyes snapped open again and I glared down at him. “Get the fuck out,” I snarled. Please go Hyde-chan… Just go away so I can stab myself.

“Why should I?” His chin jutted out stubbornly, his eyes burned in silent, obstinate anger.

“GET OUT!” I roared.

“NO!” he roared back.

I could feel tears pricking at the back of my eyelids. “Fine,” I muttered, “I’ll go.” I’ll just go walk into a bus instead.

Turning on my heel, I stormed into the living room, tears streaming down my cheeks, intending on making my way to the back door so I could escape everything. I was going to die, I’d decided; I didn’t want to live anymore. I was so embarrassed and ashamed… Just like I’d always been… but now Hyde knew. It wasn’t the same anymore. Nothing was the same.

I didn’t want to die. But the pain that had numbed my body for years was worse than ever before. I didn’t just want death, now I needed it.

And so, when the time came, I would embrace it with a prayer and a smile.

Needless to say, I never reached my destination. Within three steps, my journey was cut to an abrupt halt and premature end as I was roughly tackled by a small figure and brought heavily down to the living room floor. His face flopped down over my shoulder, bringing us cheek to cheek. He was panting slightly. His groin was pressed firmly to the small of my back. I was breaking out in a sweat.

I was horny and suicidal. He was just angry.

Taking a firm hold on my shoulders, Hyde twisted me until we were face to face, nose to nose. His blue eyes burned furiously at me until I felt my own eyes welling up with tears. How could he be angry at me? What had I done? So I’d never told him that I liked him, but… Why should I have told him? I wasn’t in the wrong here – he was… Why hadn’t he told me before that he knew how I felt? Instead of leaving it for any given number of weeks?

Right at that moment, some part of me hated him.

“Let me go, Hyde,” I said tiredly, trying to wrench myself free of his firm grip. “Just fucking let me go already.”

“No, I won’t!” he yelled, tears spilling from his eyes and dripping down onto my face. “You’re not going anywhere until I’ve said what I need to say!”

Hyde, why are you crying? “Go on,” I snapped, “say it. But fucking make it quick, all right? I have stuff to do.”

“What, like drinking acid? Or free-falling off a random cliff? Or perhaps today you were thinking about experimenting with high-speed cars and light posts?”

My eyes widened in shock and indignation. “How dare you,” I hissed. “How dare you make light of my situation.”

“Well it’s something good to commit suicide over, isn’t it?” he yelled back sarcastically. Then his face fell. He looked old. “Gacchan, I’m sorry,” he said tiredly. “I didn’t mean to-”

“Just fucking say what you wanted to say and then get the Hell out of my house,” I snapped angrily, cutting him off. How dare he. How dare you, Hyde. I was seething. How could he just make fun of me like that? How could he?! (At the time, in my anger, I was quite conveniently forgetting that I’d angered him into saying it, and that he didn’t obviously mean it.) How could you?!

More tears welled in Hyde’s perfect eyes. “Gacchan, I-”

“My name is Gackt.”

“……Gackt. About that night… I didn’t tell you…”

What more is there to tell?!!? You’ve embarrassed me enough – must you say more now, Hyde-chan?

“…I… I never said………” He looked away. “I’m sorry, this is difficult.”

“Difficult for you? Fuck off.”

“Gackt…”

“Asshole.”

“Please.”

“Well FUCKING GET ON WITH IT!” I screamed. He jumped in shock and caused a very pleasant (read: unpleasant) sensation over and in my stomach.

He swallowed. “Okay.

“When I told you the other week what happened… well… I only lied a little. The part up to where you fell asleep… that was all true, Gackt, I swear. But… when you fell asleep… I……… I heard you whisper something. ‘Hyde-chan… Kimi wa utsukushiku yo ne…’ That’s what you said. For a moment… I was surprised. I thought maybe… maybe you were still awake. But then I looked closer at you…

“You were asleep, Gacchan.”

“Gackt.”

“Gacchan,” he argued back. “You were asleep. And… I……… I found that… I tried, but… I found that I couldn’t… I couldn’t take my eyes off you. It was… funny. You’d told me… ‘You’re beautiful, Hyde-chan’… and then… I couldn’t stop watching you. You’re so beautiful, Gacchan… I don’t know if you… if you see it but… well… I do. And I did. And I was… so surprised, ne…” He laughed sweetly. “I was thinking… ‘Nan da~? I think this man is beautiful?’… I was very surprised to think that way! But… it was true. It is true…”

Breaking off for a moment, Hyde released one of my wrists and raised his hand to my cheek, stroking one of my tears away, and then rested it against my mussed hair, gently massaging with his fingertips. “Gacchan,” he continued emotionally as I closed my eyes in peace, letting the sensations flow through my body, “I know I shouldn’t have, but I………”

My eyes snapped open. “You what?”

“When you started…… calling my name in your sleep and………… tossing and… turning…… I couldn’t help it, Gacchan……”

“What the fuck did you do, Hyde?”

“I was so… I wanted to…”

“Hyde?!”

My friend’s eyes closed for a brief moment of recollection. When he opened them, tears were sparkling. “………I kissed you.”

……………………WHAT. THE. FUCK?!……………………

“Wha… what did you say?”

“I crawled on top of you, and I kissed you,” Hyde replied, his voice stronger this time. He bit his lip. “You kissed me back. But… you kept dreaming. You never woke up.”

“You kissed me.”

“Yes,” he whispered, “I did.”

I knew I should’ve been over the moon. I should’ve been happy. Excited. Ecstatic, even.

But the only emotion that coursed through my body when Hyde verified the fact that should have brought me great joy… was anger.

Shoving my friend off me, I jumped to my feet, turning my back quickly so he couldn’t see the blush forming on my cheeks along with my expression of anger. “How dare you?” I snarled. “I was sleeping, and drunk… you took advantage of me!” I heard Hyde shift behind me, and flinched as he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off. “Get the fuck away from me, you sick bastard.”

“Don’t call me names, Gacchan. I was drunk too, you know.”

“What sort of an excuse is that?” I asked disgustedly.

“I don’t know,” Hyde defended himself, “but it’s the only one I have. That…… and the fact that… I… I really do like you, Gacchan.”

What did he mean, I wondered to myself, by the word ‘like’? Did he mean as a workmate? Did he mean as a friend? Did he mean he found me attractive? Did he mean he was crushing on me, too? Did he mean that he wanted to fuck me senseless? Did he mean that he loved me? I wanted to ask.

But when I turned to look at him, the words died in my throat.

Hyde was naked, and watching me with his luminous blue eyes. He smiled sadly, happily, sweetly, all at once. “And… if you want me… I’m yours.”

He stepped forward and on tiptoe, and our lips met in a blazing, needful kiss. And distantly, the angry slamming of the front door reminded me that Mana had once been waiting in my bedroom for my return.