my dear friend gwal and i always act crazy. i mean always. read my page about fun at amusement parks for more evidence. one thing that we do that sounds horrible but is very amusing when you watch is we act like special ed from crank yankers. one time, i was yelling with gwal's bullhorn in a gas station when i decided to charm the adoring crowd with my great special ed voice. i started screaming and yelling about how it was my birthday and i was going to the petting zoo and i was going to chucky cheese's. i also proceeded to ask gwal if she was "havin a baby or somethin?!", all while she was pumping gas into the car. the people around me weren't offended, oh no. they actually thought that i was "special." they were loving it!!!! i got all kinds of smiles and waves. these people were charmed.
now, i know that i'm an attention whore. you might be one too. and if you are, the easiest way to prostitute yourself for attention is to act special. it's quite easy, and if you watch enough crank yankers, and follow these easy steps, you'll be selling yourself for attention like a pro!
1) get a bullhorn: bullhorns make you louder. loudness grabs attention. i mean seriously, how can you ignore a retard screaming into a bullhorn while everyone in a 10 mile radius can hear? you can't. for more information on bullhorns and their uses, visit gwal's site
2) voice is everything: as i stated above, start religiously watching crank yankers to get the special ed voice down. if you want to be more subtle than special ed, rent "the other sister" or "i am sam" for pointers. let me tell you juliette lewis, giovanni ribisi, and sean penn all play the roles of the mentally challenged with amazing accuracy and sensitivity.
3) point out obvious, peculiar, or stupid facts: today gwal and i called my boyfriend merp, screaming at him that we rode the little kids' halloween train at the mall (say: "WE RODE THE TRAIN YAY!!!), and that we wanted laptop kids meals from KFC (say: "I GOT A LAPTOP MEAL...I WANT A FRIES AND A MASHED POTATOES AND A SNACKY DESSERT PIE AND A COKE, OKAY LADY?", pretend you are giving the person you're talking to your order, like at a restaurant)
4) EVERYBODY is a lady: i don't care if you're talking to a guy, a girl, or a drag queen, you call EVERYBODY lady (ex: say you're talking to your best guy friend and he's in a bad mood. you say "hey lady, what's a matter, you havin' a baby or sumptin'?").
5) screw up all song lyrics when you're singing: it doesn't matter if the song is something simple like "the wheels on the bus" or a more complicated one like "the bad touch" by the bloodhound gang...it is perfectly acceptable to screw up the lyrics. refer to the episode of crank yankers when ed is singing "take me out to the ballgame." the line 'root, root, root for the home team....' is changed to 'root, root, root, for the homos...'. adding profanity to simple lyrics usually works and spices things up.
6) associate everything with the bathroom or the toilet: whether you're telling someone that you peed in their pool (yet another crank yankers reference!) or that stoplights make you poop, it is always acceptable to associate ordinary things to the bathroom.
well, now that you can successfully imitate special ed and convince innocent bystanders that you truly are special, it's time to take your talent to the streets and share it with the world...and if anybody finds out what the fuck a laptop meal is, email or im me and let me know!!!!!
THE PSEUDO BLONDE'S INDEX, YAY!!!!!!