[.feeling inspired.]

welcome to my world.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

july 18, 2002

 

if i cannot hear your words anymore, does this mean you’re gone?

i tell myself this when you pin me up against the wall and breathe in my face; and you don’t even have to scare me in person because at night when we talk my back is always to the wall and i tremble like you were in the room with me and i don’t even heard your words anymore because anything you yell at me sounds the same and sometimes if i just close my eyes you aren’t even there anymore.

when you said “take my hand.” and your find traced stars in my palm, i fooled myself into thinking that you were serious and maybe that was my mistake.

i am a fool and the one who fooled me said the joke was over and it wasn’t funny anymore and he laughed because my hands were clammy with sweat and i didn’t understand.

he said, “girl, you’ll always be the punchline.” and he told me that when it rains everyone would say that it was god’s game and he said that it was god’s laughter and god only laughed at the stupid and somehow that rain cloud is still over me.

if i could choke on every word i ever said to you i would and i would hope that you would do the same because seeing you on your knees begging for air would save me the effort of trying to kill you myself.

am i free to go, because hell hath no fury like my thoughts of you and no god of yours could ever save.

i’ve stripped the bed of things you’ve said to me and pasted my own dreams to the ceiling because unfamiliar territory may just feel like home and laying on a cold mattress could be better than sleeping with the devil.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

august 14, 2002

 

there are so many things to believe right now, that i cannot distinguish fact from fantasy.

you came home late last night and stumbled into bed next to me and as your lips grazed the back of my beck, i wanted to die because there’s nothing quite like the kiss of death when fresh hot tears appear and a body’s chill could shake the earth.

yes, go one. act like the world is perfect – like god is on your side and everything you’ve ever done deserves a gold star and a round of applause because baby, i know you still think that you’re flawless and that will truly be your downfall.

i lost my gold star the day i met you and oh what time can do for the brokenhearted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

august 19, 2002

 

it is impossible for me to see your face without realizing how much i miss you.

for nine days i have sat in bed and cried and envied the moon as it cradled the stars because all i ever wanted was to cradle you and feel your warmth against my fragile skin.

i fall to me knees when i see your smile and i think i cry more knowing that you are an arm’s length away and i can’t touch you.

only fools want the one thing they can’t have and i will be a fool until it kills me – until stars burst out of my veins and the moon’s jealous of me for never letting you go – until i see you again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

august 19, 2002

 

i paused for a moment and i’m not quite sure why. perhaps the feel of the words “you too” had finally dissolved into chest and left me feeling yucky. the pause felt like a heartbeat to me, but apparently it was long enough for you to turn on your heel.

“did you see the moon tonight?” was what i meant to say. i meant for you to come running for me and take my hand and drag me outside like we did forever and look at the sky.

do you remember kissing me under the fireworks? the bright, bright fireworks? and do you remember telling me that you loved me under the moon afterwards?

“did you see the moon tonight?” was what i screamed when i knew that i couldn’t make you happy anymore but wanted to try so hard because it was all i ever wanted.

ever.

do you remember being apart from me? for a long, long time? can you trace your thoughts back to how it felt when we talked on opposite ends of the world but could still see that same moon?

“did you see the moon tonight?” was supposed to come after the “i love you” and before you left, simply saying “you too.”

“did you see the moon tonight?” stood for my last hopes of helping myself and my first attempt at saving you.

“did you see the moon tonight?” meant “i love you” in so many ways. really. and it’s all i kept thinking as your scent lingered and you walked away.

and as a first tear made its way down my cheek, you stopped and stared at the sky and turning to me, said, “there is no moon. good night.”

“good night.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

november 10, 2002

 

the way the raindrops fell onto the window was normally peaceful and serene but not today.

i traced a fleeing drop with my finger and my hand was wet. rain had not fallen through my window. a tear had fallen from my face.

i can see you tracing the sun’s rays on your window. are you happy when it rains near me?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

november 10, 2002

 

there’s only so much i can say for the one person who i have loved above and beyond my whole being.

there is only so much i can say for the one person who has seen me through so many stages of my life and who has loved me regardless.

there’s only so much that i can say for the one person who broke down the wall around my heart and then reconstructed it little by little.

there’s only so much i can say for the one person who made me plead for him more than any other.

there’s only so much i can say.

good bye.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

november 25, 2002

 

there are times when i think that it’s over and i’ll be all right. but somehow i’m not.

i don’t know how someone so important to me could make me feel so insignificant.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

november 25, 2002

 

you’re beautiful. and it’s not just when the clouds part or the moon shines. it’s all the time.

yesterdaym the cool air touched your skin, causing you to shiver and me to smile. how badly i wanted to breathe you in. your eyes could have killed me.

how carefully and how gently you touch me. your fingertips are like magic against my skin.

and i just wanted you to know.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

november 26, 2002

 

she’s got stars on her eyelids and a pain in her heart and nothing but a wicked sense of security as the sun falls and the moon appears again.

his fiery eyes glanced at her once or twice that night and a feeling of hopelessness washed over her once again as cracks of her heart became evident. she caught his glance and he pushed her aside.

she was damaged.

it was the stars that told him so.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

november 28, 2002

 

i don’t really remember how it came about that something so good had gone so bad and it was over. all i really remember are the tears i shed and the sleep i lost. and somehow when i write this – i’m still alone.

i don’t remember you. i don’t remember holding your hand while chaining your soul to mine. i don’t remember flowers and kisses and i’ve forgotten your touch and your sweet smell.

it’s funny how that works.

i remember tears and fights and somehow i still remember that pain in my chest – probably because it never goes away.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

december 5, 2002

 

yesterday we talked and i’m not really sure whether it all meant as much to you as it did to me. the things we discussed we ordinary andi never once felt bad around you.

the sky burst into flames suddenly and i began talking to the past. you grabbed my hand and told me fight it and ignore it and i couldn’t. am i too weak for you?

i explained that i’m nothing without the past and your grip loosened. i feel like i’ll lose you forever through this...

i spoke to your blank eyes about how the past had become my shelter. was it something worth leaving?

please convince me so.

my heart fills to the brim whenever i see you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

december 5, 2002

 

live through your imagination and call him a house. no light, no heat, only shelter. please just imagine him this way.

you told me that you would abandon the house, depending on who lived there with you.

my heart is hurting and maybe you should knw why. just the sight of you can make me smile. really.

it’s like the analogy with houses, light and heat. if never depends who lives there with you, it’s just the fact that your house isn’t as good as something else you see.

i see a house and i must be kidding myself, but your face is in the window.

i don’t know if you’ll ever fully understand what i meant by the analogy.

underlying meanings are everything.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

december 5, 2002

 

i never realized the severity of the situation – how alone i was – until you forced me to be that way.

never again could my eyes hold you in the same light.

you’re making me hate myself.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

december 5, 2002

 

she’s tearing herself to pieces and that’s all right with him because he hardly loved her to begin with.  it was hard to love something so damaging and that’s who she was.

never judge lives based on appearance or the amount of tears cried over crushes or shoelaces. she may not have been beautiful to him but does that carry over to everyone? he swears to god that no one will ever love her again. the crime in all of this is that she believes him.

don’t judge her based on the tear-stains on her face and the ring of screams in the air. don’t. don’t judge her by the life she leads or the damamge she’s done. maybe he’s just angry with her.

all she’ll do is carry on hopelessly and that’s the truth.

judge not by how far his heart falls through the floor but by how quickly hers will follow.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

december 6, 2002

 

there was a time when february mornings used to be red and not a single soul could have touched the feeling in the air. it was something like love and you’ll never admit you felt it because things were never clear to you. when you became good at tuning out the world, i died because i was your world. it’s deceiving how you think four little letters can change your life.

one those february mornings, i sat and wondered, “just how good does this get?” it was good and maybe it still us but you never wanted to fix what wasn’t broken. i don’t know how your chest feels but my heart refuses to beat.

if you ever see the color red on february mornings, i hope you think of me. i know that i’ll cry but i don’t expect you to do the same. nothing is so broken that it can’t be fixed but have you ever wanted it badly enough?

have you?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

december 9, 2002

 

maybe i thought that you, out of anyone, should understand that i won’t try to be like every other girl. i never had anyone to impress except you.

i’m lonely now and i’m confused as to whether that’s okay or not. my heart doesn’t break anymore when i see you, probabl y because that’s impossible after the damage that’s been done already.

you’ve seen me undone. don’t lie and say that you haven’t. you’ve proved to me that love is equally as beautiful as it is painful and that it can be taken away rather quickly.

if i’ve turned into “every other girl,” then you’ve turned into every other guy as well.

it’s funny how deceiving you can be when you know you hold my heart.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

january 12, 2003

 

i’ve waited a longtime for something wonderful to come along. it’s too often that i question good things in my life.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

january 12, 2003

 

it’s the mystery in your eyes that speaks through my heartbreak and mends all wounds.

in your eyes i can drown in oceans of possibility and hope.

in your eyes i can see myself as i really am, not a fake figure of who i should be.

in your eyes, i trip of the future and never stumble into the past.

in your eyes, i could burst open with happiness.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

january 12, 2003

 

i love the way your soft hand brushes against my cheek and i am all of a sudden flooded with the feeling of love.

by simply looking at you i understand that perfection really does exist. really. i doubted god for the longest time because my heartache was not cureable.

in your eyes i have found comfort and even when you don’t speak, i can still hear angels’ sweet lullabies and feel at rest. it’s when there are no words between us that you speak volumes.

those eyes...

the way you look at me separates you from all others. you make me feel like i can fly and like, quite possible, it’s okay for good things to happen and they are happening to me.

and as for god, my faith is ultimately renewed. i must believe in that greater force, that omnipotent power that looks after me.

after all, he did send me you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

january 12, 2003

 

i want my heart back from the one person who’s always had it.

i want to feel like i can be okay without relying on someone i don’t know how to do without.

and then there’s you...

i want to know that it’s possible to move past heartbreak and on to something different.

i want your little kisses to wash away my fears and stand as my reassurance.

i want to sleep next to you under the moon and awake to feel your fingers in my palm.

i want to believe that something extraordinary can happen to me.

i want to believe in you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

january 22, 2003

 

never question how you feel or how someone else feels about you. it’s in those moments that we are doubtful that we lose what is closest to us.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

february 1, 2003

 

i took down old pictures today and set them in their final resting place. i know that you’ve disposed of every memory of me.

it’s okay.

whatever works for you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

february 5, 2003

 

there are days when the clouds look so inviting and all i really want to do is sit with you for a moment in the sky.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

february 5, 2003

 

it’s the gentleness of your hands and the song of your voice that eases my worries. when your ahdn touches my face i know that i will be okay.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

february 19, 2003

 

she always thought it was weird how time passed so slowly while they were apart, yet while he was with her, eight hours felt like a heartbeat.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

february 19, 2003

 

when i lay next to you, life is nothing short of perfect.

sometimes i like to lay my head on your chest and close my eyes and listen to your heartbeat, because i know that there’s a portion of it that beats for me.

when you kiss me and intertwin your fingers with mine, i feel beautiful.

sometimes you kiss my forehead and rub my side and it’s at those time that i realize there’s no one other than you i’d rather be with.

when you dwindle over me and look into my eyes, i feel like your little princess.

sometimes when you look at me, i can feel your eyes searching my soul and it’s at that time when cute little smiles and eskimo kisses become greater in value.

 

thank you for making it easier for me to smile.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

may 24, 2003

 

been away for a while and through one million heartbeats and transitions have returned to the same place i had sworn would never feel my trembling hands again.

let’s do something adventurous; something too quick to be planned but too slow to be spontaneous.

i want to go away for a longtime with you and never return to what scares me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

may 24, 2003

 

i’m loathing actions taken at previous times in different seasons of different years. do you ever feel that way sometimes? regret what you shouldn’t?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

may 31, 2003

 

i like yellow crayons.

i like to draw sad pictures with yellow crayons because it makes them seem happy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

may 31, 2003

 

“put the pieces back together,” she said, “and start a new life for us.”

can i light a candle and call you home for one day during any ordinary weekend?

can i make you mine?

can i be yours forever?

can i?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

may 31, 2003

 

i think that i could write you one poem for everday that we are together.

i think that after all of that, you still wouldn’t know just what it is i feel for you.

i think that when the right person comes alone, words are oftentimes superfluous.

perhaps i should show you.

do you understand?

i thought you would.

sacrifice a little piece of yourself to me for a while one night.

show me life running through your body, starting in your eyes and flowing out of the fingertips that touch me.

show me a love that we’re both never felt before and end this fortune.

she me you, over me.

show me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

may 31, 2003

 

as the pale green walls closed in, i could feel you breathing warmly on my skin, keeping your heartbeat constant with mine.

maybe this is it.

maybe, for once, true love is done deceiving me.

i swear i can feel your forever.

you’re always so close to me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

june 3, 2003

 

i think i’ll be okay.

slowly but surely, i’ll remember what it feels like to not be so numb.

i’ll slowly remember hurt and relearn forgiveness.

i think that this should bring me back down.

i still love your smile – it’s your soul that hurts.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

june 3, 2003

 

if i try, maybe i can get through this. maybe i can pull my heart out of your grasp and go repair it myself.

god, does my connection to you make this impossible.

after the hurt, i still love you. i do.