In a land of endless savannas, 20,000 years before the coming of modern man lived a homo. His race, as described by modern anthropologists, were pioneers of several key technological advances that lead to great changes and improvements in subsequent hominid lifestyles. The creation of fire and advances in tool making and curing of skins can all be traced back to this homo and his kin. However, despite being a master of technology and molder of culture and society, the name by which we recognise this truly intriguing ancient cousin is somewhat puzzling.
Contrary to popular opinion Homo erectus, does not mean 'upright man'. Although he was the first hominid to engage in bipedal locomotion, it was not for this reason that he was christened erectus. Scientists who claim this are either ignorant of the truth or are embarrassed to reveal the real reason for his seemingly abstract name.
1952 was the year of the tomato, coincidently it was also the same year that Professor Dent (Anthropological Unit, New Mexico University), on a fossil data collection excursion to the deserts of Sudan came upon the first remains of a hominid that he termed, 'Homo erectus'.
The reason for this seemingly puzzling scientific vernacular was as clear to Prof. Dent and his team of excavators as it was to the members of the three other known historical expeditions that have subsequently uncovered complete skeletons of erectus.
Upon identifying a small exposed portion of bone protruding from the metamorphic substrate, Prof. Dent and his loyal team worked for 3 days until the complete and fully intact skeleton was able to be exhumed. For weeks they pondered over the bizarre position that the skeleton was lying in until eventually a conclusion and hypothesis for cause of death was agreed upon and drawn up.
The Journal that Prof. Dent wrote about his amazing discovery was published with 'Hard Boner' (Paleontological magazine) in February 1953. The description that Dent gave of this new species and the reasons for its nomenclature were outlined in detail. In the article Dent reflects....'Upon uncovering the entire skeleton we were surprised to find the creature in a most unnatural position, the vertebrae were arched and a skeletal hand was grasping its well preserved 18 inch penis. A gigantic pendulous scrotum was also observed.'
Dent went onto explain that the reason that erectus was so well preserved was due to the dry, abiotic desert conditions and the presence of large concentrations of an enzyme known as Ikeromase, found in the skin and tendons. This enzyme was further responsible for retarding decay and left erectus with well structured and remarkably well preserved remains.
Dent continued....'Drawing upon laboratory analysis and a detailed knowledge of anthropological behavior, it was ascertained that this specimen was jacking off or 'rod walloping' shortly before its death. It has been concluded that death was a product of cyanic bacteria produced in the massive scrotum as a by-product of what is scientifically known as 'blue-bolt'. A shot of this highly toxic [sprog] in the face of its owner produced immediate poisoning and subsequent death, hence I call this new species... Homo erectus'
As well as coining the phrase 'rod walloper', describing the strange circumstances surrounding the death of the specimen and deriving the new scientific name 'erectus', Prof Dent also sketched the specimen in a moment of ecstasy just before its death. The diagram above is taken directly from his 1953 journal article.
The purpose of this story is to help you, the reader expunge any misconceptions and queries you had about Homo erectus. It also emphasizes the importance of not trying to look down the eye of your cock when you're about to jizz.
