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missing
[Friday, October 17, 2003]

it makes your ears burn, the way i think about it.
i hope it does, my dear.

on a different note, Monsignor O'Flaherty, you rock. =]

lai had her cup of tea at 10:54 p.m.



uber
[Thursday, October 16, 2003]

i'm a nerd.
uber.

lai had her cup of tea at 6:17 p.m.



massive cookie
[Thursday, October 16, 2003]

i made roses today
out of duct tape
because kimmianne brought duct tape for me so i could tape the back of my shoe.
it had some metal thing in the back
and it bothered me
corrine: can you say "ghetto child"? get new shoes, woman!

and we taped over the jansport part of our backpacks
and wrote "janspot" on it like them bootleg stuff from china.
katie got excited about it.
i'll be sad when she's out of journalism.
but i'm still going to bother her

i'll make more roses out of duct tape
and have their sappy dreams of beauty and corsages
trapped in folds of red
duct tape

but i'm making liz one
because i feel like it
i think its different when you make things for someone when you actually want to

cookies are good.
i'll start making cookies again
someday

when i have someone to make them for
you cant eat your own cookies alone
unless you only make one massive one.

yep

lai had her cup of tea at 4:05 p.m.



the moon is too
[Wednesday, October 15, 2003]

i've got two more years to learn all i want to learn, and i dont wanna waste it on AP classes.

i have to learn how to think and i'm starting now
and i'm thinking
that i want to be

somewhere else other than here

i'm a boring person if i keep on doing this

Apec teaches me how to think
honors humanities teaches me how to feel about my thinking
chemistry teaches me how to make sense. (haha. right.)
and journalism teaches me how to work
but none so far, can teach me the valuables i need, so i dont spend the rest of my prime
being... bored.

and i will be bored forever

if i keep on thinking this way.

um. . . .... stars are pretty

lai had her cup of tea at 11:40 p.m.



what?
[Tuesday, October 14, 2003]

it dont make sense,
it dont make sense,
it dont make sense,
it dont make sense,

and guess what it dont make sense at all.

lai had her cup of tea at 9:04 p.m.



this is not a poem
[Tuesday, October 14, 2003]

unrequited love is such a waste of time and energy
God, i'm so fucked up

i wish i had everything back
everything

so i can finally practice bach without throwing the sheet
music everywhere

and finally breathe

but i've felt it like
cleaning up jam with your fingers
its sticky
and disgusting

i hate it
i wish i had everything back

and at the same time the quest for happiness
and it's losing time

and the yesterdays drag
and are stepped on like thrown sheet music
chopin's rolling in his grave
petrarch is rolling in his grave
finally there in the earth
the same earth that holds his other

and he's rolling in it
because i have no idea what to do
no idea what to say
no idea what to think
because it all does not make sense at all

and mozart's having a party
being the crazy man he is
i never liked that guy
i never did
but i would have never liked beethoven either
if all this time
had been given back to me
and all this energy
my full stomach
my full mind

and i think being stabbed 50 times with a dull spork
is a worse that being stabbed 50 times with a dull knife

and then

chicken soup still tastes okay

yet i'm eating rice
im eating rice
i'm just talking like none other
and it doesnt make sense this is not a poem
this is not a poem

why would you say
it is it's just a WASTE
OF
TIME

i'm ranting like a crazy girl on a keyboard
keyboard
theory
i havent done it yet
i hate theory
because
it makes sense
all of it

and things that dont
its like

roses i guess

the red and yellow ones
and why

it's just a waste of my time
i want it out

and it wont
becase it's sticky like jam

or maybe
peanut butter
and jam

both together
what a nightmare
what a nightmare
a waste of time
sweet things

sweet things

romance what a waste of time
this is not a poem
because poems

are a waste of time

and this isnt one

or perhaps
it just turned into one
well at least
i talked to you

i would love you

but that would just be
a waste of your time

i am not worth loving
it's like loving confusion
it's useless

because i think
i'd rather be a rock

maybe
something as short lived as a butterfly
a tea leaf

you cant waste any time
if you really didnt have any

lai had her cup of tea at 7:40 p.m.



well, i got better.
[Tuesday, October 14, 2003]

what else floats?
dirt
potatos
very small rocks?
...
a....DUCK

lai had her cup of tea at 4:29 p.m.



le strokes
[Sunday, October 12, 2003]

low self esteem sucks.

i suck.

it goes in circles

haha...

dunnadunnadunnadunadunna...

lai had her cup of tea at 3:41 p.m.



because
[Saturday, October 11, 2003]

i watched the roses cry this morning
and i think i remember
why people like roses

lai had her cup of tea at 2:25 p.m.



hot chocolate
[Friday, October 10, 2003]

what a wrong day to be in love

i just needed a warm embrace
and perhaps a cold day to contrast.

happiness is somewhat (confusingly) simple.

lai had her cup of tea at 6:07 p.m.



it's a trap
[Thursday, October 9, 2003]

you don't realize
how much something happens when you're not looking.
i dont blame you.
i can be very opaque.

although the most opaque are frightfully paranoid of
actually being transparently revealed.

even though thats exactly what they want.

lai had her cup of tea at 10:46 p.m.



oh dear
[Thursday, October 9, 2003]

i went to bed late last night...and....fell asleep last night on my apec book.
i got a D on the test.
Mr Scruggs curved it and i got a B on the curve
phew. thank God.


during some now and thens
ever so often
i hate dreams
because between the lovely state

of real
and unreal
they are miserably
the latter

and for the same thought-heavy reason
dreams are made
on the stuff
of which i also cannot live without

and as for the because
i don't seem to recall why
although
i do remember somewhere

somewhere
wherein that the state of real and
unreal
forever and a day
are perhaps
possibly
squeezed in one moment
between conscious and
unconscious
that moment my subconscious loves
and where love is subconscious

where the more of the hidden less than threes
the imaginary numbers
somewhere
wherein gray skies fit in a fire so orange
and where fire tastes like rain

those little things of which
life
cannot breathe without

lai had her cup of tea at 4:40 p.m.



oh..
[Monday, October 6, 2003]

how tragic.

lai had her cup of tea at 4:56 p.m.



yay....i found a place where i can monitor myself..
[Monday, October 6, 2003]

things to do today: (this is for my own reference, dont mind it.)


chem hw 21-25 black letters...
journalism ideas for centerspread
journalism critique for pages 1+2
all that honors humanities crud that i left behind (journals)
oliver twist chapters 1-3...
do apec chapter notes, read to the end of the chapter from page 426

lai had her cup of tea at 4:38 p.m.



falling? perhaps
[Sunday, October 5, 2003]

i want to hide
and i deny
all this waiting
but the moon denies me three times from sleep
concrete falls ceiling stars
like to watch
like to smile
they like to forget
(the naive little things)
they make me forget
and remember all at the same time the concrete
take it
take it away
and i remember
when it was first mentioned it
i was
condemned to concrete
the
pavement
stuck until they take it away
stuck until i fall alseep
and remember all the stars have forgotten
and maybe the moon will remember me too
i dont think anytihng changed then
until
only
i got
more confused

lai had her cup of tea at 11:37 p.m.



skip lines
[Sunday, October 5, 2003]

skip lines
and you'll have the space
to cover up

your mistakes
the red ink bleeding through paper

skip lines
double space
and paint with white

lai had her cup of tea at 11:31 p.m.



good night moon
[Sunday, October 5, 2003]

i deny the waiting
i deny it all
but in all the same stars
i admit the shameful patience
and i admit the bearing
of a secret so private
i dont even confess it
to the moon
and the moon is better off
not hearing it anyway



watch me collapse
as rain falls gray onto black umbrellas
hold fast
dont let go
and you can fly over six seas
and swim in the seventh
dream opun your comfort things
dream upon the heavier things
and ask why
and ask how
and forget why
and forget how

forget when
(if you have the time)

and just remember who
and sleep well
sleep tight.

EDIT:
in response to the above words... i would like to prove my stupidity by matts response to the above words and how they are placed.

MTrumpet 4: errr
MTrumpet 4: that sooo made sense..
MTrumpet 4: O.o
lIT TlE lAIl AI: and thats bad?
lIT TlE lAIl AI: XD haha i meant for it to make sense, matt!
lIT TlE lAIl AI: aiya...
lIT TlE lAIl AI: but can you tell me
lIT TlE lAIl AI: why
lIT TlE lAIl AI: and how?
lIT TlE lAIl AI: you cant.
lIT TlE lAIl AI: maybe you can tell me when
lIT TlE lAIl AI: if you had the time
lIT TlE lAIl AI: but you know who
lIT TlE lAIl AI: and worries dont need sleep, they fly.
lIT TlE lAIl AI: same with a lot of things
lIT TlE lAIl AI: and why is making sense a bad thing!
lIT TlE lAIl AI: ><
lIT TlE lAIl AI: I FINALLY MAKE SENSE TODAY
lIT TlE lAIl AI: at ...
lIT TlE lAIl AI: 11:20 at night.
lIT TlE lAIl AI: FINE I WONT MAKE SENSE
lIT TlE lAIl AI: and talk about eggplants..
lIT TlE lAIl AI: and monkey shirts
lIT TlE lAIl AI: and post its...
lIT TlE lAIl AI: aiya, matt
lIT TlE lAIl AI: i feel so insulted :D
lIT TlE lAIl AI: that orange busses are ashamed.
MTrumpet 4: er
MTrumpet 4: actually
MTrumpet 4: it didnt make sense
lIT TlE lAIl AI: i want to make sense!
MTrumpet 4: and i was being sarcastic :P
MTrumpet 4: ok!
MTrumpet 4: go!
lIT TlE lAIl AI: AUGH... GEEZ
MTrumpet 4: make sense!
lIT TlE lAIl AI: i cant!
lIT TlE lAIl AI: okay
lIT TlE lAIl AI: um
lIT TlE lAIl AI: pears
lIT TlE lAIl AI: make
lIT TlE lAIl AI: apples
lIT TlE lAIl AI: no,NO,NO,noo i got it all wrong..
MTrumpet 4: ...
lIT TlE lAIl AI: AUGH!
MTrumpet 4: try harder :P

i tried. i guess i just dont really make..sense.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:08 p.m.



the want
[Sunday, October 5, 2003]

but thats such a nonsensical thing to do.

lai had her cup of tea at 7:49 p.m.



i'm confused
[Sunday, October 5, 2003]

its funny when you dont want to be confused
because then you get confused about being confused
and being confusing
because lions
andslicing pears
and lions
are funny things to think about
when they make sense
of all the nonsensical things in the world
whimsical nothings
mozart parodies
and a chopin paradox
and beethoven
and the next weeks and the day befores
perhaps they make no sense at all
because they fell straight through the earth
and floated away

and i'm still i'm confused

lai had her cup of tea at 5:10 p.m.



sing
[Sunday, October 5, 2003]

xiao bai xai, ya
di li huang, a

(little lettuce plant,
you tarnish beneath the earth.)

i find
the time between
frozen like jade

lai had her cup of tea at 1:31 a.m.



watch yourself
[Saturday, October 4, 2003]

so many things
pharohs to talk to
sheep to lose
things to do
mop the floor
dmv calls to make
watch yourself tipetoe in glass
until you run downstairs
everything is gone
glass slippers
stay

lai had her cup of tea at 12:05 a.m.



falsetto
[Friday, October 3, 2003]

i like bananas, i think that peaches are sweet, i like papayas, but nothing can beat
the sweet of God
bumbum dabum
bumbum dabum
bumbum dabum

mason's falsetto

lai had her cup of tea at 11:48 p.m.



walk
[Friday, October 3, 2003]

life is driving over potholes
20 miles an hour
that moments
sink
like
invalid passwords to incomplete places
incorrect lovelies
for wrong cookie molds
no time for cookies
no one for cookies
no reason to make stars
no reason to
make cookies
just right
not quite
faux diamonds
faux like the stars we make
by the city-full
shiploads of paper stars
paper stars
five two
one
hundred stars one thousand cranes they pretend
to fly
paper stars
spill over potholes 20 miles an hour
walk
dont walk
cookie crumbs

lai had her cup of tea at 11:40 p.m.



br
[Friday, October 3, 2003]

she's not strong enough
so she cries when her tomorrows are tattered

she's not weak enough
to walk in glass shoes
tip toe down the stairs

decides to
forget

she wished she had
never dreamed

chicken broth or not
she is back and her hair is down.
dull the time she shines

lai had her cup of tea at 12:54 a.m.



15
[Thursday, October 2, 2003]

dont worry,
she'll sing anyway.
prince charming's just some
fool.

he's got his own ever-afters to live.

lai had her cup of tea at 1:50 a.m.



boo
[Thursday, October 2, 2003]

tomorrows another
today incompleted
dragging the yesterdays

today's another
complete incompletion

flattering tomorrow in a dress
unpicked up formal
flowering mondays build bridge
to friday night on wednesdays

lying to myself
deciet of the peices
taped together
in a fairy tale
fairy tale
bippity
boppity-

and forgot
the last word
and never-finished
tonight

tomorrow
the same incompletion

lost two
never had one

and she lived her ever-afters
ever after

after tomorrow reschedules
for yesterday

lai had her cup of tea at 1:38 a.m.



pink
[Wednesday, October 1, 2003]

journalism ran late and i'm really stressed lately.
i needed a good cry but i didnt find the energy need, want to cry so it didnt matter. i just want to get it all out..but..i'm just tired, i guess :) it'll go away maybe
mmm
i drew something
i tried to oekaki again
at like
3 am.
optimisticy feeling? i was remembering sherry and elizabeth at the same time when i drew it..

lai had her cup of tea at 2:59 a.m.



just so you know.
[Monday, September 29, 2003]

the neighbor's sprinklers are on.

lai had her cup of tea at 1:49 a.m.



geese
[Sunday, September 28, 2003]

my mom found these comfy cotton pj dresses we got from china. they still smell like china. well maybe its just gramma's detergent. but its a nice smell. i like it. it's simple...and comfy...and soft..and i love it to peices.

"what also floats?" "um. potatoes!" "dirt!" "very small rocks!" ... "a DUCK!" "EXACTLY!"

lai had her cup of tea at 11:32 p.m.



bored.
[Sunday, September 28, 2003]


my name is]: lai

[height?]: 5'3'' i think i finally grew an inch out of these 3 years.

[in the morning i am]: trying to get myself out of dreamland :D

[all i need is]: Jesus, and everything else follows (no seriously)

[love is]: happiness

[if i could see one person right now]: hm. YOU. just kidding. i dunno.

[i'm afraid of]: being alone

[i dream about]: i think the color of the skies in my dreams are mostly gray. thats all i find in common with them, anyway

-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-

[been in love]: of course. depends on what you mean.

[cried when someone died]: yes.

[lied]: what do you take me for? :D of course i've lied

-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-

[coke or pepsi]: either's fine. i'm used to pepsi, though

[flowers or candy]: flowers. candy just gets stored in my cabinent XD

[tall or short]: short, mwahahaha?

-W I T H . T H E . O P P O S I T E . S E X-

[what do you notice first?]: um. shoes? :D

[last person you slow danced with]: never danced.

[worst question to ask]: ??ask for what?

-W H O-

[makes you laugh the most?]: danielley. :D

[makes you smile]: aryeh, haha.. you silly goose

[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: erm. YOU! you again! why! :D

[who do you have a crush on?]: yes, like i am going to post this on the internet? XD

[has a crush on you?]: i'm too weird to be liked :D

[easiest to talk to]: um. my teddy bear <_<

-D O . Y O U . E V E R-

[Stay on aim, waitin for someone special to IM you]: teehee. they know my secrets XD

[save aol/aim conversations]: sometimes when they're silly, and when i'm making no sense.

[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: um..nah.

[cry because of someone saying something to you: sure.

-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-

[fallen for your best friend]: i've never had a best friend. that was a guy, anyway.

[been rejected?]: no..?

[rejected someone]: uh..yeah. >_>

[been cheated on]: no

[cheated on someone]: no

[done something you regret]: of course. i'm human.

-W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N -

[you talked to on the phone]: jing jing?

[hugged]: this just makes me sad. :D i dont know!

[you instant messaged]: joyjoy!!

[instant messaged you?]: dan?

[you laughed with]: danielley XD

Current mood: horrible, really

Current music: ...um.. da dum da daaa.. ?

Current taste: that noodley taste.

Current hair: short and flipped out, defying gravity :D

Current dress: jeans and large t-shirt

Current smell: i have a stuffy nose.

Current thing I shought to be doing: APEC notes.

Current windows open: pitas, aim, internet..

Current desktop picture: a doodle i made on oekaki...the rabbit one.

Current book: emma

Current color of toenails: the same as they were when i was born... XD

Current worry: life being stupid.

Current hate: ...life being stupid

Do You... Smoke?: no

Do drugs? no

Have sex? no

Sleep with stuffed animals?:just my teddy bear the past few nights becuase i was cold

Live in the moment?: yea. i often forget theres a tomorrow.

Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yea.

Believe there is life on other planets?: i dont know...but i really dont..often care.. ^^;

Remember your first love?: if love only counts if it's mutual, then i have never loved at all. :D

who?: what? when? where? why? ..... how?

Still love him/her?: huh?

Read the newspaper?: yeah

Have any gay or lesbian friends?: um. i have a bisexual teacher? i dont know.

Believe in miracles?: yes

Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes

Consider yourself tolerant of others?: um. yea?

Like the taste of alcohol?: haha i didnt like it when i accidentally drank it.

Have a favorite candy?: sour candy is good. :)

Believe in astrology?: no. its funny XD

Believe in magic?: i believe in deception? :D

Believe in god?: yea

Go to church?: yep

Have any pets?: i'm a lonely kid.

Go to or plan to go to college?: mhm

Wear hats?: ummmmm i want hats..but...i dont have any.. except for the communist one... XD

Have any piercings?: ears, no one sees them because my hair covers them..

Have any tattoos?: no

Hate yourself?: sometimes

have an obsession?: i guess?

Collect anything?: i dunno.

Have a best friend?: haha...i love them all

Wish on stars?: i just like to say hello to them, and then watch them. i dont think they should have anything to do with my wishes. XD

Like your handwriting?: nah.

Have any bad habits?: sure?

Care about looks?: yeah, to a hygeinic level XD i dont really wanna look..gross.. <_< ew..

What side of the bed do you sleep on: both. i toss and turn. my teddy bear feels abused. :D

What can you never get enough of: love

List one thing you're good at: stressing

Say the first lyric that comes to mind...now: L, is for the way you LOOK at me! O is for the only one i see! V is very very...EXTRAordinary....and..i blame the last question for this lyric..

Ever been in a band: nope

What are you in the mood for right now: time

Say the first person that comes to mind: lucy?

What did you do yesterday: stuff. =_=

If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be: away

Most annoying thing: a cold that i have right now..

Do many people like your taste in music: i dont know.

Hottest person ever: do i have to have an opinion?

Least favorite singer/band: haha..i dunno

At what age would you like to be married: i dunno. i just wanna be married someday.

Favorite bird: birds..birds are cool.

Color of hair: brownish. blackish.. asianish..

Who do you miss most: ... you! XD hehee

Best local band: i dont know.

Were you picked on as a kid: no..but they couldnt really tell me apart from this japanese girl so i guess no one cared.

Biggest secret: i keep a lot of secrets. XD

Are you racist: no

-------------------------------------------------

last car ride: coming home from church

last kiss: never been kissed.

last good cry: i think i need one right now for everything that has happened for ...three weeks but..i dont care anymore.

last library book checked out: um..the pastel book.

last movie seen: monty python and the holy grail

last book read: apec book <_<

last cuss word uttered: fuck -___-; eh..

last beverage drank: water

last food consumed: egg...thing..

last crush: eh?

last phone call: jing jing

last night last tv show watched: i dunno. i didnt watch anything

last time showered: yesterday night

last shoes worn: the shoes i've always worn.

last cd played: mmm jennifer knapp..

last item bought: i really dont remember. XD

last downloaded: i dont remember..

last annoyance: mommy dearest

last disappointment: when i decided not to do something.

last soda drank: coke?

last thing written: coke?

last key used: mailbox key

last word spoken: :sigh: ?

last IM: dan

last sexual fantasy: o_O

last weird encounter: i dunno, being myself.

last ice cream eaten: ^^.. so sad..i dont remember..

last time amused: last week? :D

last time wanting to die: um.. i dunno.. i've never seriously wanted to, really. -__-;

last time hugged: ...i dont know.

last time scolded: today

last time resentful: today

last chair sat in: this one... o_O;

last lipstick used: i dont wear lip gloss...

last underwear worn: um. the last one had orange flowers on it. this one's just boring white. XD

last bra worn: haha.. white. i'm not soo exiting on bras. well.. it does have the lacing action... o_O; i dunno. nevermind. forget i said anything about bras.

last shirt worn: it was..red..

last time dancing: never! :D

last poster looked at: uh.. i dunno

last show attended: show! :D the one i was in! that demo.. onstage..

last webpage visited: this..one...

1 HOUR AGO: being sick

1 DAY AGO: being sick

1 WEEK AGO: working

1 YEAR AGO: working

I HURT: myself

I LOVE: you

I HATE: me

I FEAR: the world

I HOPE: for the moon to come out

I FEEL: stupid

I HIDE: myself

I DRIVE: i dont.

I MISS: you

I LEARNED: that airplanes scream

I NEED: time.

I THINK: i took way too long on this thing :D hehee..i need better things to do

lai had her cup of tea at 4:53 p.m.



drunk fu
[Saturday, September 27, 2003]

ke wo yi bei zhi do zui. shing lai ho ye zui.
sui jiao qian...ye zui.
wo ...bu zui!
zai lai yi bei!

lai had her cup of tea at 8:58 p.m.



silly
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

my hair is still very short
i never got it past my shoulder since the 7th grade.
my mom cut it so many times
even though she had promised she wouldnt.
she has this urge to perfect things
to fix things
to be in control

i dont see why she should take it out on my hair
but
its okay, i guess.
but this time i think
by the way my hair's growing
she wont have the urge to cut my hair until i legally am independent of her
thats about 3 years from now.
silly mommy dearest.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:15 p.m.



he doesnt know yet
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

he was displaced
with his purple plaid shorts
and a turquoise shirt
he waited in his
backyard flipflops
for his oldest son

after a few minutes
his son will get this unexpected surprise on his birthday
he is to first be ashamed of his fathers plaid shorts
then ashamed of the smile
ashamed of his balding gray hairs
and coke-bottled glasses he wears
because he studied too hard in china
so he could be here in america
standing here at a high school waiting to carry
his son's books for him
that his son wont let him carry
he knows they will be heavy
and he'll take his son home

but at the time

he will be watching the school gates as they open
waiting
proud of his embarrassed son

lai had her cup of tea at 4:49 p.m.



van gogh
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

I've got most of the peices done today
hers and mine

i'll keep it in secret
i know its better
if she didnt know i knew

lai had her cup of tea at 4:48 p.m.



perhaps it's not bottomless
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

it's over and i'm off to more dreaming
and more falling

lai had her cup of tea at 2:23 a.m.



help^2
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

i'm still awake
and i still want to sleep
it's a simple conflict
but it feels like the hugest thing in the world

my neck.. really hurts.

lai had her cup of tea at 2:02 a.m.



help
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

please help me
i think i'm alone
and i'm researching stupid recall people


i wish i hadn't taken on that stupid assignment

i dont understand politics
i've never wanted to touch that subject

the ugly thing

lai had her cup of tea at 1:56 a.m.



my neck hurts
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

i want to cry
it hurts
and i wish it didn't.

lai had her cup of tea at 1:54 a.m.



what?
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

who would care wake
when they could be asleep

my question is who
for i am a what

sometimes a who
when i am remembered sometimes
i am a who
when i remember myself sometimes.

what?

lai had her cup of tea at 1:52 a.m.



melted strawberry
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

sometimes you find a 100o peice puzzle
and you just make out the peices

i'm not selling puzzles
i'm just
selling ice cream.

lai had her cup of tea at 1:51 a.m.



1:45 am
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

sorry to dream when
she dreams of three letters there

i should fall away
if newton allows me to
fall a bit faster
or
a bit slower would be okay

sorry to dream when
she dreams of three letters there

Paul III would know
of melted ice cream

what good is melted ice cream to forget
three letters

sorry to dream when
she dreams of three letters
perhaps
it was nine

does it matter
i'll fall a bit faster
or slower

but until i make up my mind
i'll just try to fly

lai had her cup of tea at 1:45 a.m.



fly away
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

but falling, dear
it feels like flying

when its bottomless you might as well think
so


perhaps we can catch the wind
and if we dont catch this one
we'll wait for the next one.

and we'll fly away
falling.

lai had her cup of tea at 1:43 a.m.



falling
[Thursday, September 25, 2003]

i'm falling

i'm staring at my screen so long my neck
is screaming for some rest

but life is worth more than this
i'm sure
its worth more than just falling

lai had her cup of tea at 1:40 a.m.



thank you
[Tuesday, September 23, 2003]

thank you for giving me happiness. something people look for everyday, and i have found it-

lai had her cup of tea at 12:13 a.m.



three letters
[Tuesday, September 23, 2003]

i looked over and saw the evidence
it was clear she had written it
three letters was hers
i realized it wasnt time yet
when rain comes and
when rain goee

she opened her eyes
and saw a conversation half-finished
and pride
and sensibility
four letters
a broken arm a broken second
where are time to be
when filling spaces without
i saw three letters
and then i saw four.

lai had her cup of tea at 12:08 a.m.



mmhm
[Thursday, September 18, 2003]

white flowers are easy to love

lai had her cup of tea at 9:35 p.m.



Sonrise
[Wednesday, September 17, 2003]

syatp = awesome

i felt the sunrise

lai had her cup of tea at 10:38 p.m.



i blame anjoo
[Saturday, September 13, 2003]

i'm starting to have slow moving, wonderful saturdays, and enough time for family time, despite the fact i only have two people to spend it with.
another reason for me to think how i am slowly becoming average. A dream i have dreamt before, to have slow moving weekends playing games with my family, and enough time to enjoy a home-made lunch while i leave my schoolwork aside.
but i do also realize how fearful i am of being average, for living different is what fuels my life, and living different gives me a different taste of life, other than the suburbian uptopia. but i will enjoy it a couple of weeks, until my saturdays are filled with wet oil paint colors and cluttered rooms and the soap smell that washed it all clean afterwards. which reminds me of my current smell of air conditioning and raid ant repellent.
how i would trade both for a decent smell of earth after a good rain
(drown them ants! :D)
i leave a granola bar wrapper in my trash can and they come and invade my precious feet space. its allright.
life is good, minus the lack of sleep issue. :)
this friday started out nasty, with a test and quiz unstudied for, and journalism demands unmet, but it all worked out in the end of the day, and left me unburdened for the weekend.
friday night was great, i played piano for the mid-autumn festival special fellowship for the adults. amazing grace was stuck in my head afterwards, but thats not something to complain about.
when we've been here, ten thousand years/ bright shining as, the sun!
mmm. and of course, who could forget andrew-baby? :) mason, who helps with the youth group stuff, he's about thirty-three? well. he's an old white guy (sorry mason, andrew makes you look like you're 40, wrinkles are coming in, watch out.) just kidding, he acts younger for his age anyway, though sometimes the generation gap sometimes likes to slap him in the face...
enough about mason. :) about a year ago his wife sally was with child (yay) and they were happy. how could they not XD... they didnt want to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl until birth, but..sally couldnt resist. it was a boy and they named him andrew. really, i remembered that i had suggested that name, though mason remembers differently...
it doesnt matter. when anjoo baby grows up i'll tell him otherwise >:D!
i was playing around with anjoo baby when sally wasnt around and mason was playing..with a ball.. XD haha..
well..anjoo doesnt like to blab much, so i just held him up to watch his dad play. its amazing though, i really dont remember what i thought. i just remember i was really happy. its like when you do workouts, you dont remember what you thought, you just remember you were doing something. it was one of those few moments where APEC tests and chemistry didnt matter anymore. ^^;
anjoo baby just makes me happy. :D he was exactly 10 months old on friday. such a cute little baby :D
haha, i just noticed i just...increased my use of smilies in this last portion of this entry... XD...
i blame anjoo :P
afterwards we got the ball from mason and was trying to get anjoo to throw it at the sofa so it'd bounce back. he figured it out pretty fast so he threw it at me and chased after it...mason was pretty surprised and wanted to borrow the ball and take it home and play some more with anjoo.. XD haha..well i guess.. i didnt know babies just couldnt do that? i dont know..but i gues anjoo baby's just one smart kid.
...
i blame anjoo. :)

lai had her cup of tea at 8:54 p.m.



happiness
[Thursday, September 11, 2003]

happiness is sometimes found at 12:43 am

lai had her cup of tea at 12:43 a.m.



precise
[Monday, September 8, 2003]

i hope somehow they will understand how sometimes my feelings are so overwhelming. they are not something i can inwardly control, though i do a bloody well job shoving everything into my subconscious. and there the moss grows on the moving stone where flea spirits are conquered at night.
yeah.
ironically enough i can easily decieve someone into thinking i'm a completely different person. i dont purposely do that for fun. just to say. to the revsoft team, maybe i'm an apathetic, scary little asian girl. to my friends at school i'm happy off of social endorphins. and the list goes on.
i'm sorry.
i'll try to be me more often. but what if
they're all me?
i'll just be harder to love
it doesnt matter. maybe i'll grow out of it.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:56 p.m.



subtle
[Saturday, September 6, 2003]

"dan, how poisonous are oleanders?"
well, I heard...if you put a leaf in a cup of water, and leave it there for a day or so, and drink the water, it'll kill ya if ya don't get medical attention."
"thanks... i just wanted to know"
"why?"
"when i was three i remember my grandpa telling me those were poisonous," she said "and that i shouldnt touch them. but i still loved them."
dan laughed.
she thought about it for a minute.
"i love a certain oleander now, and i was wondering... i was wondering if i should consider... a different flower"
but as she went she still loved them
she loved the oleander.

lai had her cup of tea at 8:48 p.m.



mm
[Saturday, September 6, 2003]

oleander

lai had her cup of tea at 12:43 p.m.



vapor
[Wednesday, September 3, 2003]

5 minutes later it looked as if nothing had ever happened and the rain drifted up into the air and reminded me it wasnt time yet

lai had her cup of tea at 6:10 p.m.



storm
[Tuesday, September 2, 2003]

it rained today, it reminded me of aryeh's song on the guitar
so i made up something on the piano.
today was cool

lai had her cup of tea at 9:06 p.m.



decisions
[Monday, September 1, 2003]

sometimes
you're listening to a song
and you happen to stumble
to a website
with another song
and the songs clash together in their
beauty
and you have to choose
which one to stop
so the other may go

lai had her cup of tea at 6:37 p.m.



broken mirror.
[Sunday, August 31, 2003]

broken peices

lai had her cup of tea at 10:59 p.m.



the stupid thing
[Saturday, August 30, 2003]

i feel so bloody STUPID

in apec we were assigned to write a love letter.
real or fake, it didnt matter. as long as it was a love letter.
i got carried away and apparently wrote one.
we passed it around at the table.
jessica skimmed through it, and thought it was stupid.
michelle, being her sappy self, loved it, and decided to read it to the whole class.
X_X
i have never felt such burning in my face that lasted for such a long time.
i wanted to hide
michelle wanted to copy it to perhaps, send it to someone.
jessica wanted to use it too.
michelle said how can it not be true when it seemed so real?
jessica said lai had no one to send it to.
and she looked at me as if i were to confirm that-
and i said nothing.

the more embarrasing fact is, i knew exactly who i was writing it to.
(not a boyfriend, or someone imaginary, because i have neither..which is even more embarrasing to me.)
i wish i never wrote it.
the stupid thing.
jessica can use it all she wants.
michelle too if she can make up her mind on who to send it to

i'm never sending it.

the stupid thing.

lai had her cup of tea at 7:47 p.m.



stars
[Thursday, August 28, 2003]

I still do not know what it is about you that does not allow me to sleep at night because now I do not know when daydreaming ends and when dreaming begins.

lai had her cup of tea at 10:17 p.m.



hm.
[Tuesday, August 26, 2003]

i think a quiet maybe

while i idle
walking because a smiling tragic
leaves the
quiet little birds who

sing to small to be seen

thinking words that fill in the spaces
where real words dont want to be

i'm thinking a quiet maybe

lai had her cup of tea at 7:50 p.m.



i think maybe
[Tuesday, August 26, 2003]

i walk by i think
nothing of what i

had thought of today
i think of it
when you

are gone somewhere

when i'm most reminded
of your presence

i think of it not
when i find you

close with only miles
of line
after line

close within voice

and when it dies away

i think nothing of it then
tongue

tied

up in line after line
in miles of line
i sense it as close as the

moonlight through the blinds in my window

line after line
after line
line

rolling through my mind like an un comprehensible shakespeare
sonnet beautiful
how as if it were so close
line after

line

and i think nothing
until

i find myself
lost

and stupid

confusing line after line

i-


nevermind.

lai had her cup of tea at 5:29 p.m.



it wasnt mine
[Tuesday, August 19, 2003]

the mirror
remember it?

it cracked in three
remember?

or maybe you dont remember
because it

really wasnt mine
and i kept it
and it was as small as

the palm of my hand
so small
you could see a little of you
and close it before you saw too much

it was you before
and it was me

for a while

remember it?

no?

no, no
forget it.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:11 p.m.



catch the wind
[Sunday, August 17, 2003]

hurry hurry-
maybe
we can catch the wind
if we miss it
its okay.

maybe we can catch the next one.

lai had her cup of tea at 05:36 p.m.



infatuation
[Sunday, August 17, 2003]

sometimes when you light a candle-
for a while

and you watch it cry
until the flame hangs on to the last bit of wick
drowning
in the puddle of it's own melting wax

it's so pitiful
you have to blow it out
and watch everything
turn black and fade into moonlight

lai had her cup of tea at 5:26 p.m.



yawn
[Thursday, August 14, 2003]

so silly.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:45 a.m.



rant
[Sunday, August 10, 2003]

have you forgotten everything i have ever said to you?
it may be a better question to ask if you actually read these words. :) but you will forget them too, just like you will forget me and all that i am and you will live life like you never met me before.
to think you considered me a good friend
why did i care?
i worried about you, you know.
i feel like your fucking mother.

lai had her cup of tea at 8:29 p.m.



skeptical illusion
[Wednesday, August 6, 2003]

i posted 5 times in one night. that was smart. -___-;

lai had her cup of tea at 11:38 p.m.



uuughh!!
[Wednesday, August 6, 2003]

i'm on a posting spree. i'm just mad at myself. why? i bloody went and fell in love again.
i need to hit myself on the head with something..like.. a board. unfortunately all i have to hit my head with is a pillow

good enough.

Sigmund Freud dont fail me now.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:30 p.m.



6 am
[Wednesday, August 6, 2003]

its such an interesting feeling
lying in your bed in your clothes and staring at the ceiling
when you arent really looking at the ceiling

thinking of something else

you get up to walk to the window
you're not looking for anything
you're just awake.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:29 p.m.



jester
[Wednesday, August 6, 2003]

i am such a fool.
aryeh once said i'm not so romantic for a hopeless romantic.
yep. i'm back to that thought again. (hello aryeh, if you are reading this.)
i was just thinking about it for a while. actually i've been thinking about it before aryeh said that. it just hasnt been brought out into the light.
i realize, i am a hopeless romantic. i'm just extremely shy and not so sure of myself. so sometimes i laugh
maybe a little to hard, sometimes i smile a bit to big for people to notice
that i'm shy.

sometimes i'm cynical
skeptical
paranoid.

sometimes i'm the fool
but i play the jester.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:19 p.m.



un kestion
[Wednesday, August 6, 2003]

i dont especially like it when my weaknesses are shown to me in different situations, i doubt most people do. although i just seem to pick at them more, and less people seem to notice. (i am in constant paranoia just in case they do. XD)
a few of my friends call me wise but i am not wise until i practice everything i believe is true. and i will not know everything i believe is true unless God provides the situations where questions are asked so truths are brought out from me. (Pastor Zo said once that that was why Jesus asked people questions, not because He doesnt know, but because He wanted to bring out the truths inside the person so the person would realize for himself. it's better that way than to just have someone tell you what is true and what is not)
though the only thing i know that is true about myself is that i know nothing (credit to Socrates).

lai had her cup of tea at 2:23 p.m.



i think therefore i shut up
[Saturday, August 2, 2003]

my weakness = spoken words
why? because my words are not spoken. they are thought. and then never heard.

lai had her cup of tea at 09:05 p.m.



whoa! sunrise!
[Saturday, August 2, 2003]

I've finished the essay today. well.. yeah... I...worked until sunrise.. XD it was hilarious... i didnt notice it until i turned the lights off when i finished. sigh.. i expected my essay to be horribly written. the next morning.. well...actually like 2 hours later when i woke up to turn it in o.x.. i revised it and..i guess it's acceptable :D i'm kind of ..happy about that.
Downside is, i have to read another one... sigh... another all nighter coming up. Real interesting book however. All Quiet on the Western Front. REALLY interesting. o.o...

lai had her cup of tea at 12:45 a.m.



piano
[Wednesday, July 30, 2003]

I have finished that horredously long book.. and now i need to write an essay on it. i think that would be fairly easier, being that...i feel it is probably going to be just a "regurgitation of the book anyway. XD.. well..i still have another one to go..
i left my window open to this room. i can hear in the background my neighbor across the street playing something beautiful on the piano. I'm sure when i practice, it resounds in the neighborhood all the same. and the little taiwanese girl next door. it's just weird that we all live on the same street, so close to each other, so far away in age, and that we are all taiwanese or chinese, practicing in the same neighborhood, haveing the same piano sound bouncing off the hills around us. i'm sure... we all hear each other. we all dont know each others names, but knowing names doesnt always mean knowing the person. in fact, the more you know a person, the less the name matters.
hmmmm. she plays beautifully. i know she's a she. its just something i know. the sound is very feminine.

lai had her cup of tea at 8:33 p.m.



ambitious drive
[Wednesday, July 30, 2003]

i feel ambitious enough to start a children's book. o.x
well, i know that some people look at children's books and automatically think "oh yeah, i can do this." but really..i think its much harder than it looks. it would be such an interesting thing to do...
illustrating it too... it would be my dream to finally publish one...but really, i just want to do it for kicks, you know? just do one, because i want to.
that would be so cool if i could. :D

lai had her cup of tea at 3:21 p.m.



i'm wet
[Tuesday, July 29, 2003]

as i swim deeper and deeper into the wraps of philosophical history, i find myself needing a breath of some air before i drown
to start talking about something silly or
dream about frolicing through daisies
and the like.
this is clearly unbearably fun. Philosophy is overwhelming. i've touched upon many of the points given. however the deeper i go, the more possible i get drowned, then i will very grimly float towards the surface, a very obligatory trip to the surface.
so... i'll be taking a bit of fresh air
because philosophic thoughts is like discovering a whole new world underwater. but you still need air.
hahaa....
i think...i'll be dreaming about daisies. i've gotten a bit too deep into the water. X.X
shoot.
it's 2:00 am...

lai had her cup of tea at 2:41 a.m.



stressed
[Tuesday, July 29, 2003]

the history of philosophy is somewhat hilarious. it seems to just run in circles over and over again. it's funny. Sophie's World is a wonderfully crafted book. XD i love how the author plays God and the characters try to understand it. in a way i am just a character in a huuge book God is writing...or..planning.
perhaps shakespeare was right.
and perhaps i need to FINISH THE BOOK QUICKLY so i can FINISH MY SUMMER ASSIGNMENT. and start on the next one, which is due three days later.
i am thoroughly stressed.

lai had her cup of tea at 2:30 a.m.



simplicity
[Monday, July 28, 2003]

Descartes. I never thought I would be so happy to read about a mathematician.
"I think, therefore I am"
-Descartes

So simple, you say. I say, why is it so simple? even 1+1=2 is not so simple as it looks.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:12 p.m.



philosophie
[Monday, July 28, 2003]

"A Russian astronomer and a Russian braing surgeon were discussing religion. The brain surgeon was Christian but the astronaut was not. The Astronaut said, 'I've been out in space many times but I'venever seen God or angels.' And the brain surgeon said, 'And I've operated on many clever brains but I've never seen a single thought.'"
-Joistein Gaarder Sophie's World

Its a cool book :)

lai had her cup of tea at 10:49 p.m.



Flutter-by
[Monday, July 28, 2003]

Once I dreamed I was a butterfly, and now I no longer know whether I am Chuang-tzu, who dreamed I was a butterfly, or whether I am a butterfly who dreaming that I am Chuang-tzu."
-Chuang-tzu

lai had her cup of tea at 10:44 p.m.



happily painful
[Monday, July 28, 2003]

you could say today was a horrible day for me. I had stomache cramps and master DX was feeling strict today. no kidding, it was along the border of torture. it was extremely painful at the moment- my contact also bursted, conveniently- but afterwards, i forget everything about the pain.
the pain of the flesh is nothing. your body forgets. mental-cuts are deep. soul-cuts are even deeper.
but today still hurt painfully. endurance is hard to teach, mainly because endurance is hard to learn.
physical endurance is hard. mental endurance is harder. soul endurance is sometimes what make sane people insane. but basically,
(painfully)
i'm happy.
why? my brain is stressed and my body is sore and my stomache is cramped.
my soul is awfully happy.
painfully happy.

lai had her cup of tea at 10:04 p.m.



stuck in the tower
[Friday, July 25, 2003]

"the princess lay down an wept ecause she did not know what else to do. she felt silly for weeping because her problems were trivial in comparison to the world's human suffering. she decided to weep about human suffering, but also wept about her own petty-ness. she concluded that the act of weeping itself was self-indulgent and wept about being self-indulgent too" -roxanne wolanczyk

lai had her cup of tea at 12:14 a.m.



mother
[Thursday, July 24, 2003]

she was right
and i was wrong, but does that make me the villain?
i try but you see
its hard to explain.

lai had her cup of tea at 10:10 p.m.



its a small world
[Tuesday, July 22, 2003]

the world is more concerned
with her oily lips
and the way her hips swing when she walks
more concerned with colors on her face
flowers in the right places
cliche sunsets silhouettes
palm trees and blue skies
pretty things she understands
what the world doesnt know
she likes to shun
because she believes
she is the world

lai had her cup of tea at 12:18 p.m.



displaced
[Tuesday, July 22, 2003]

starting over
finding a new place for the phone on the cluttered desk
where it belongs
finding a new place for your eyes
outside the window
white skies through attic windows
white skies make gray afternoons
rain shines on the surface
when water is too fast to be seen
when eyes are closed
water is too small to be heard
to be noticed
when more important things
are not where things are placed

lai had her cup of tea at 12:11 p.m.



bloody fun
[Tuesday, July 22, 2003]

oekaki central just had this huge accident. i dont think i'll be posting there anymore. i'll find a smaller oekaki with less people. it'll be better that way anyway. I'll learn to doodle just because of the bloody fun of it.

my mother cut my hair again. looks really stupid. most girls would plot to seek revenge. or get mad. or yell.
i just pretend i dont care about it anymore. easier that way. my mom'll just yell at me back because she said she spends so much time on my stuff i might as well thank her. i'm grateful. i just dont like how she cut my hair, because it will be subject to laughter at school and my friends will joke around about it for a very long time. it's annoying. and maybe later on my mother will realize that i'm just keeping the anger in. it's not so easy expressing anger when i dont know how. so i might as well keep it all in somewhere. somehow i wish my mother had a second child so she'll realize i'm not a normal teenager. i wish my dad has a second child so he'll leave me alone when he gets nostalgic talking about when i was 3 or 5 or 7 and how i used to play with him and be extremely gullible when he told me stories. i knew the tooth-fairy and santa and possibly the easter bunny werent real by the way the adults responded to them. i just played along because it was fun, and they seemed to be happier when i was stupid.

then they wanted me to be smart. i got confused. the world's just not happy with the way i am. :D
but you see, its easier to pretend not to care.
its easier to pretend to be smart
pretend to be stupid.

mm...'tis time to listen to some The Strokes. g'bye.

lai had her cup of tea at 10:55 a.m.



eh
[Monday, July 21, 2003]

i dreamt i was in the army. thats all i wish to say. it was an interesting dream.

lai had her cup of tea at 1:31 p.m.



sooo.. :wide smile:
[Sunday, July 20, 2003]

Person: hiya.
myself: hey
Person: so wats up
myself: haha
myself: feeling crappy.
myself: :-)
Person: =/ how come?
Person: and why the smiley if you're feeling crappy?... i'm confoozed
myself: yes.
myself: people smile when they feel crappy too.
myself: they are capable of
myself: lying.
myself: in other ways
Person: hrm.
Person: so why the crappy feeling?
myself: nothing.
Person: Hrm. if you say so.
Person: but if u want... you can change your mind.
Person: =P so how's your summer been these past few days?
myself: eventful
Person: that's good.
Person: care to elaborate?
myself: not really
myself: eventful doesnt mean its a great summer ;-)
Person: okay, so are you suggesting that it was bad? or jsut not great?
myself: it was just eventful
myself: great sometimes
myself: a little interesting.
myself: sort of like
myself: salad.
myself: interesting.
Person: ::nods::
Person: yes like salad...
myself: gots flavor.
Person: so what kinda dressing?
myself: not as fufilling as chicken soup
Person: and you got croutons in that?
myself: sure, garlic croutons.
myself: ranch, not low-fat
Person: Ohh!! niicee...
myself: chicken
myself: cheese.
myself: parmesian
myself: and cucumbers.
myself: and the
myself: noodles
myself: also the lettuce.
Person: so, it was eventful... topped with some nice dressings.. but all a bit varied inside... like salad...
Person: ::nods::
myself: oh
myself: my SUMMER?
Person: fun, so what "events" occurred?
myself: oh its nothing like that.
Person: Yyeaahh...
myself: its probabbly some lettuce and cucumbers
myself: with some ranch.
myself: prolly that low fat crap
Person: =*(
myself: regular croutons
myself: :-)
myself: no chicken
myself: um
Person: :'(
myself: no cheese.
myself: :D
Person: ::stars wailing::
myself: o.o; its just a salad, man.
Person: darn.
myself: though it
myself: is symbolic of my summer
myself: its fine.
Person: but... but ... it had such promise.. such potentiall.
myself: haha
myself: you're so silly.
Person: hehe
Person: so what was eventful then?
myself: retreat
myself: friends
myself: and a couple of good laughs
Person: oooh! retreat.. for like..
Person: church or something?
myself: church yeah
myself: :-)
myself: that was the ranch
Person: oh spiffy! those are always "eventful" or "fun"
Person: hehe
myself: spiffy.
myself: wow.
Person: huh?
myself: i have to catch you saying that in person if i meet you
Person: why?
myself: i've never heared a guy say spiffy.
Person: roflmao.
myself: and actually mean it, sort of.
Person: yeah.. i normally say "spiff..."
myself: no y?
Person: with no y.. cause the y makes me seem too jolly and stuff.. LOL
myself: o_O
Person: lol...
myself: alright on syllable-boy
myself: *one
myself: friends were like croutons :D
myself: and...
myself: other stuff
myself: was prolly
myself: the cucumbers
Person: cucumbers... hrm.
myself: i like cucumbers!
Person: how do you like cucumbers...
Person: i like them uncooked.
myself: me too
myself: with soy sauce and sesame oil
myself: its in a SALAD
myself: how can i be cooked?!
Person: O.0
myself: *it
Person: cucumbers are somtimes boiled in soups...
myself: i know
myself: those suck
myself: :-)
Person: yeah...
Person: they're too flimsy... or something like that.
myself: my favorite veggies are tomatoes and cucumbers.
myself: which technically
myself: arent veggies at all
Person: hrm. i don't like tomatoes uncooked though...
myself: i like them in salads.
myself: sort of
Person: i don't eat salad =0
myself: and sandwiches
myself: you're a guy
myself: :-)
myself: jk.
Person: oh, tomatoes are great in sandwiches tho
myself: i think guys who eat salads are manly
Person: salad makes me full before i start eating the real stuff... lol
myself: really?
myself: i thought you never ate salad.
Person: i usually jsut grab a few pieces...
Person: no reall put together salad
Person: i used to eat salad
myself: ok
Person: ever tried eating salad with... hrm...
Person: teriyaki sauce?
myself: no:D
Person: its good.
Person: in my humblest of opinions...
Person: just don't drown it in sauce..
myself: okay.
myself: :-)
Person: sooo... ::wide smile::
Person: how's your "other side" of life?
myself: whats that?
myself: would that be somehow symbolic of teriyaki sauce?
Person: Haha. Ya know... the other important part of life.
Person: no unrelated
Person: theres the girls for me.
Person: and theres the guys for the girls..
myself: what are you hinting at?
Person: at least for most people it's like that
myself: oh.
myself: my love life?
Person: hahahaha
Person: haha yeah...
myself: yeah apparently i dont talk about it much.
Person: trying to talk smooth here... geez. =)
myself: sort of like the spoon when you're eating salad.
myself: it just stays there.
myself: and you stare at it
myself: um,.
Person: aw.
myself: :-)
Person: how come?
Person: ever try eating what's on it? =0
myself: because i'm allergic to love letters?
Person: Hah!...
Person: must be the scented chemicals they use.. =/
myself: um.
myself: okay.
Person: lol.. ok.
Person: whoa.. theres a big bug on my desk.
Person: not sure what it is.. lol..
Person: okay... so back to the topic... why isn't it goin anywhere?
myself: because i wont let it
Person: why not?
myself: using a spoon in a salad is messy.
Person: (god i sound liek a kid.. why ? why? why?)
Person: heheee...
Person: but it's better than starving to death huh?
myself: do i like talking in analogies?
myself: does a bear catch fish?
Person: i like to...
Person: no... it doesn't.
Person: hrm. i see.
myself: yeaaah they do.
myself: nevermind.
Person: nope, they dont' catch fish...
Person: they grab fish outta the water =0
Person: hrm. what does a fish being grabbed by a bear have to do with spoons and salads?
myself: why are you questioning me?
myself: :-)
myself: what i mean is, bluntly
myself: that sometimes i feel that someone can make everything seem so much better
Person: someone?
myself: buts its like using a spoon in a salad
myself: its not the right time to eat salad
myself: i mean
Person: ah. i see.
myself: its not the right time to use the spoon
myself: you use it when you get the soup
myself: :D
myself: if you try to stick a spoon in the salad
Person: =0 hehe i see.
myself: kinda wrong, isnt it?
Person: yeah... i suppose
myself: so i think
myself: that
myself: my summer's a salad
myself: i'm using a fork
Person: but what if they wont' serve the soup until you eat teh salad?
myself: thats why i'm eating the salad.
myself: :D
myself: soup comes later.
myself: so
Person: but what don't you have a spoon? not a fork...
myself: straight out saying it: i dont think its time to be involved with my love life
myself: oh
myself: i'm using a fork, silly
Person: Hah.
Person: yeah i gotcha.
myself: if you didnt remember, the spoon was what i considered my love life.
Person: that's fair...
myself: did i say anything about a fork?
myself: nope.
Person: ::sigh:: fine.
myself: :D
myself: silly.
Person: okay, so speaking analogically..
Person: if youv'e never tasted soup.
Person: how do you know you've foudn soup?
myself: haha when its in a bowl
myself: and when it's not green.
myself: and covered in ranch.
myself: OH
Person: lol... analogiess... analogiies.. come on work with me here
myself: i am i am
Person: =0
myself: i will KNOW when it is soup.
myself: :-)
Person: oohh.. so you go by gut instinct ?
myself: no God'll show me, silly.
myself: so far i've only tried using the spoon in the salad.
Person: heh. darn. theres no argument to that. =*(
myself: i'm getting ranch dressing by the spoonful.
Person: lol
myself: so i'm back to the fork.
Person: ::sighs::
myself: why are we talking about my "other life" as you call it?
myself: you tricked m!
myself: *me
myself: !
Person: heh!... because it led to an inteerestingly fun chat =)
myself: you didnt know that
myself: >:D
Person: so .. the real question is:
Person: why are you using a FORK!? where are your chop sticks!?
myself: oh.
myself: they're used when i eat the rice.
Person: darn. got me. hrm... ok
myself: lol.
myself: knife, now thats some interesting story,
myself: jk.
Person: haha.
myself: steak.
myself: oh dear.
Person: hrm. you like steak?
myself: no. not really.
myself: you?
Person: ::shakes head::
Person: i can't stand steak.
myself: porque?
Person: it's too... hrm.
Person: ya know.
Person: like, it's meat... and alot of it.
Person: and it's just chunks.. and chunks of meat.
myself: mwahaha.
myself: KNIFE
Person: wow.
myself: am i being mercurial again?
myself: :D
Person: are you SURE it safe to be around you?
myself: no.
Person: HAhahaa... wow that's so Romeo and Juliet - esque.
Person: Shakespearean aand all that.
myself: yeah i just happen to have a dagger around my tunic.
Person: roflmao.
Person: ::bites thumb::
myself: and a wrench to open doors to vaults
myself: do you BITE your THUMB
myself: at me
myself: Sir!
Person: no sir
myself: ?
Person: i do not bit my thumb at thee sir.
myself: do you bite you thumb at ME sir?
Person: i bit my thumb sir.
myself: ...
myself: o_O
myself: (benvolio)
Person: heh
Person: isn't that what he said?
myself: yep.
myself: romeo's a wimp :D
Person: personally...
myself: juliet's witty but she's not...smart.. -__;
myself: -____-;
Person: i think romeo should've married juliet... fought off the whole world... and then rescued Juliet from a tower..
myself: hehe. i'm not a sap like that. but i kinda wished juliet woke up sooner.
myself: -__-;
myself: somewhere deep inside my sappy feminine soul
myself: i think i thought the same way
myself: :D

lai had her cup of tea at 11:07 p.m.



doubly
[Friday, July 18, 2003]

i'm an idiot
you might as well sing to it and make me feel worse :D
no one really wants to sing. i think i'll live with that
i would just like to tell someone i felt crappy…apparently when i tell someone, it feels better. concrete isnt so hard sometimes, i just get stuck in it.
i'm mercurial, as heming claims.
fun stuffs
i pulled out dictionary.com, apparently I need to every time I talk to this guy. (if heming is reading this, this is intended as a compliment to his extensive vocab) and I pulled out two

Quick and changeable in temperament; volatile a mercurial nature.
or
Having the characteristics of eloquence, shrewdness, swiftness, and thievishness attributed to the god Mercury.

I would like to have feathery shoes, like the god Mercury.
So…I am reminded of the sailor bagels..or..bagel moon… or…somewhat of them sailor scouts
I also realize sailor mercury stole my haircut.
-__-
curly bangs and all. Doubly atrocious.
I disagree with her with most parts. she likes math. and she’s smart. Though she likes sandwiches and is most afraid of love letters. I agree whole-heartedly on that one. I’m not sure, but I might be allergic to love letters also. -___-;
sailormoon likes eating cake
and...cake.
afraid of spooky stuff.
and is determined
look it’s bunny. :D

I’m reminded of my childhood.
i was just some made up character. it was fun.
then we grew out of it. it was sad.
i realize things just get smaller and so much more easier to make fun of and cherish at the same time. Something to smile at.
I pretended because I was just a girl who wanted life to be better when we finally realized it wouldn’t. little 6 grade lai realized the world wasn’t what it was in 5th grade.
my pretending…it worked for a little while until we knew it wouldnt work either. thats what happens when you grow up.
thats why sometimes girls want boyfriends too.
thats why i'm feeling so crappy. to pretend like a little of something….will help everything be better
sounds a whole like like mary poppins, doesnt it?
Spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down
Now medicines just have a lot of sugar already. America these days.
what i mean is, really,
is that i feel that someone i can see and feel can make everything seem better, even though I know it wont.
Doubly atrocious.

lai had her cup of tea at 12:36 a.m.



ew.
[Wednesday, July 16, 2003]

i have to finish two books and write essays on them by the end of this month.
my state of being is reminded of the reeking odor of being back in school.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:08 p.m.



very funny.
[Tuesday, July 15, 2003]

its like walking down the street
a biker hits you
and leaves you sprawled on the concrete
and you look up into the sky
and you start laughing


why do i just feel like any given girl, feeling like she will be in love forever, when forever will just be about three months, because for some stupid love-struck, love-stuck girl like me, three months could might as well be forever.
i usually can think farther than that. unfortunately i fell in love and am infatuated with someone and i need to whack my head against a good, hard peice of wood because subconsciously i feel that it would make me feel better. which it does, but obviously my head doesnt agree. its like being hit and sprawled on the concrete and laying there
and suddenly you start laughing

i am so fucking stupid sometimes.
and stop falling in love with everything.
... hahahahaa...

lai had her cup of tea at 11:45 p.m.



besides.
[Tuesday, July 15, 2003]

i suck
i'm so stupid.

but besides that, today was great. :D
good night.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:43 p.m.



chicken soup
[Monday, July 14, 2003]

somehow it would be like if i drank chicken soup again
same feeling in your stomache
only different
because you never drank chicken soup
you just answered the phone
and you said hello
and he said hi
and there was silence before you took the next sip

lai had her cup of tea at 12:28 a.m.



ants. big ants.
[Sunday, July 13, 2003]

it's you and God
and God and you
and possibly
the ant crawling between psalm 139 and 140
saturday morning

CBCSD west campus youth retreat 2003 Lakeside, Julian

We visited Julian. the antique shop was wonderful. apple pies were wonderful. the graveyard was wonderful. one of those towns where it would be old-town-creepy at night. a lot more character than what we have here in these new parts of San Diego. Sometimes cities are like people. and San Diego's only shown me the part of her that is shallow and like an middle aged woman with hot flashes and cant let go of the fact that she's a bit boring. Julian's more of like an old woman who has wrinkles that even tell stories. she's just a bit crazy and scary at the same time. :D now i'm wondering how the people i know could be cities. If i were a city... i dont know. :)

lai had her cup of tea at 6:49 p.m.



chapped lips
[Tuesday, July 8, 2003]

I'm sorry
hi
you know sometimes chapped lips
are like broken ceilings.
you know sometimes
the ceiling breaks
and it falls
and there's this hole
yeah.
you know sometimes
you see the moon getting up too early
it's around dinnertime
it just cant wait to watch you sleep
stars sometimes run in circles
3 am
sometimes you stare through that hole in the ceiling
sometimes you stare at the stupidly huge chunk of concrete
sleeping on the bed with you
view of the sky from bed?
it's your bedroom isnt it?
sometimes
chapped lips gives you
early sunrises
im sorry.
third person
she wants to say she's sorry.
you ask me why she says sorry
she didnt say sorry to the moon before
when she saw the stars run in circles
i forgot to say sorry
so somehow if i say sorry to you
anyone
it will get to them faster
and they can take back the slab of concrete
so concrete doesnt sleep with me
because you know
insomnia is like chapped lips

lai had her cup of tea at 12:19 p.m.



what is my name anyway?
[Sunday, July 6, 2003]

the only thing i remember saying in my dream
was that i didnt remember where i lived
and the boy that was with me the whole time
led me back
apparently it was destroyed by the overgrown flea-spirit that morning

i dreamt that the flea-spirit took over the restaurant i lived next to
yes i did
do i live next to a restaurant? no

because i wasnt lai either.
i dont know the boy who walked me "home"

but right now
i know that i still dont remember where home is
because i've never been home

and when i do find a home
metaphorically, a overgrown flea-spirit with an anger-management problem will destroy it

mhm. i forgot my name in the dream too
what is my name anyway?

my dream ended in third person where i left the person i was

because i wasnt that person in the first place.

identity crisis and i think i should just fall asleep again to escape again, but then again the spirits in my dream apparently find i'm not supposed to be there either.

the bronze spirit didnt let me in the park.

i dont believe in bronze spirits.

maybe i watched spirited away in Chinese too many times.

never watch a movie twice.

lai had her cup of tea at 08:57 p.m.




[Thursday, July 3, 2003]

the pain of the flesh is nothing
this is the pain you must forget.
-Amy Tan The Joy Luck Club

I'm going to forget how sore I was a week ago when i started up wushu (Chinese martial arts, performance more of, than kicking butt) again. Pushing myself down to do the splits, squats, the next day i move my legs one bit, the pain pushes me back down on my bed. This pain is nothing.
I'm not saying that like how guys say it, when they are in horrific pain, and they claim its nothing to be manly.
no. I'm not saying it that way. your body forgets. your flesh forgets. wushu made me happier because when i do movements and stretches that cause me to agonize in pain, my mind washes away the thoughts that fog up my brain, the thoughts that trouble the mine, the thoughts that trouble everything inside of you. The voices the voices. When I'm moving, the voices are gone, all that it is
is silence, and my hand slapping the ground, kick punches and inside-outside kicks, shifting around in my flesh, getting to know how it feels like inside my flesh, my bones. My soul getting to rest.

People say its the endorphins. people say a lot of things. people can scientificize anything, people can value anything and exchange it for money, people say you can measure things with numbers
Sometimes people are wrong. They weren't endorphins.:) to me they werent.
the pain of the flesh is nothing. you forget about it. but the mind, the mind doesnt forget. everything is somewhere.

there was a little girl i met some time ago.... I'll write later... :) gnight.

lai had her cup of tea at 10:43 p.m.



cyia..
[Sunday, June 29, 2003]

i missed cyia this year.
-_______-;;;

lai had her cup of tea at 11:07 p.m.



i, the fool
[Sunday, June 29, 2003]

as the person i am, i fall in love with anything beautiful
and however i define beautiful, is my choice
so you could say that i am in control of what i fall in love with
but that is the farthest from the truth it could really go

but beauty is deeper than flowers

i tell no one because i know i fall in love too easily, being the hopeless-romantic fool that i am.
so i feel i must tell someone indirectly about my delirium, that someone has caused me to feel like an idiot. i hate it. i love it.

sometimes i wish i could be tree so i could just stay where i am
but i dont have much wood or metal or fire.
most of the time i just go everywhere and soak up and enjoy everything and savor every moment and fall in love with everything around me that i find beautiful and try and capture it in anyway possible, then when it is lost i feel more grieved than anything.

sometimes wish i wasnt some stupid artist. it'd just be easier to be callous like a businesswoman.

lai had her cup of tea at 7:58 p.m.



hyptnotized
[Sunday, June 29, 2003]

hyptnotized over the telephone dum da dum daa da da da dum...

lai had her cup of tea at 1:12 a.m.



ehh...
[Thursday, June 26, 2003]

I just...liked this picture so i changed my whole website layout. XD haha. now i will actually be adding my art and such. X_X

this little girl reminds myself of me. i'm very careless and things tend to get me hurt. i dont wear pink dresses, or favor pastel colors, but...for the most part, its a lot like me. :D

well GOOD NIGHT everybody and watch my piano teacher yell at me for not practicing enough X_X....

i tried...i really tried...x_x....

lai had her cup of tea at 1:11 a.m.



blaaaaah
[Wednesday, June 25, 2003]

i dont feel like posting
or communicating or whatever
i'm so emotionally WEAK its not even funny
well you can laugh if you want
i'll care, but you know...it's fine, i won't revenge
or scream at you.

lalalaaalaa
my self esteem is low again. crap. >.<

dont tell me to feel better
because i'm feeling fine
i played a random song i made up on the piano
fantasia opus 1 no 1
haha, no maybe i'll call it delirium opus 1 no 1
whatever its called i know i liked it
and i wont be able to play the same thing again
because it was just a moment in time

lalala

hm.. maybe the first note.
i remember it was like...
D chord?
then somewhat modulates into ...
b...minor...

blah
whatever.

lai had her cup of tea at 5:25 p.m.



Monsieur?
[Tuesday, June 24, 2003]

DRAWING - The art of representing objects or forms on a surface chiefly by means of lines.

so that's it, monsieur?

lai had her cup of tea at 12:29 p.m.



neutral
[Monday, June 23, 2003]

i wonder if
i have opinions
at all.
maybe they're all just so spread out and i'm just so open-minded.
maybe its because i'm just so easy to persuade
and afraid of my opinions defining who i am, i guess

i guess thats something else i need to change. I'm realizing this on the passenger seat when my mom's driving along. and i turn the radio on, listening to the different music artists and bands and such-like, remembering the conversations of what i felt about the bands or artists...
i dont agree with the person, and i dont disagree, and the person doesnt seem to mind.
but then, where's my opinion?

i'm often in the middle of little things, like if two of my friends are in a disagreement, i have no opinion until i've talked to both. and even then i'm not sure if i have and opinion on anything. It's not original opinion, it's both of theirs mixed together.

where is my opinion?

i guess this is why i wouldnt be a politician
or lawyer
doctor
cashier
and even burger flippers have opinions on how long a burger stays on the grill until it is flipped.

lai had her cup of tea at 10:51 p.m.



101 facts
[Monday, June 23, 2003]

yesh...101 facts about me
um...
I want to write about San Francisco later... too much to say now. (at mother's office and can't connect to aim)

WOO 101 facts about me!
people: *groan*

1. allright, lets see...
2. my nexus sweat-shirt is my comfort sweat-shirt; i dont feel too happy without it. heh
3. i'm posting post-its in my mother's office right now
4. most of them contain a drawing of a ghost and the statement "i am the post-it ghost, fear me"
5. i see you're backing away. fearing me, now, are you?
6. i am in love with SF (San Francisco :D)
7. i am in love with dark colors
8. i like light colors
9. forget it. I like them all
10. art = happiness
11. butter cookies = happiness
12. Jesus Christ = joy and happiness
13. i like to oekaki
14. i like to listen
15. i am insane, some of the time
16. (meaning i am capable of being sane)
17. i dont wear make-up
18. i'm not up with the pop culture.
19. Chinese
20. American
21. both
22. neither
23. Hanzhou cooking = bestest
24. i love my mom
25. i hate my mom
26. trilingual possibly
27. (non-denominational, bible-based, regulah ole) Christian :D
28. i want to be able to fly
29. i dont want to be a doctor, pharmacist, scientist, engineer, businesswoman, entrepenuer, or politician.
30. oh yeah. i dont think i'll be a lawyer either
31. i'll be a starving artist
32. i love kids
33. i dont do drugs
34. i've tasted alcohol
35. it was kind of nasty
36. i like to read. sort of.
37. Amy Tan is cool. haha.
38. music = happiness
39. school = westview = plastic = sucks
40. living in = san diego = plastic = GRRR
41. rice is comfort food
42. tight clothes = >_< eeeh
43. i've never been to a school dance
44. eh. dont really plan to.
45. dresses are cool
46. especially summer ones
47. my shoes are comfy
48. I'm a light traveler
49. hotel sheets dont like me
50. my socks dont like me
51. i dont really like me much
52. i procrastinate
53. a lot
54. friends = happiness
55. gossip = GRRR
56. i hate math
57. i like english
58. i like to write
59. i like to draw
60. i like to paint
61. pastel
62. charcoal
64. plain old 6B...4B...3B..
63. erasers
64. the kneadable ones
65. i'm 5'2'' and a smidgie
66. i'm short
67. stop making fun of me
68. i'll be that way for the rest of my life
69. i dont like fancy expensivey cars
70. i used to play with cars when i was little
71. dolls werent that interesting
72. they were plastic people. >_<
73. i was a weird kid
74. i'm a weird person
75. i like to be quiet
76. i use aim
77. i'd like to stop using aim
78. lip gloss is kind of pointless
79. shiny lips kind of scare me
80. i play piano
81. i'm infatuated
82. i hate that feeling
83. X_X i'm tired
84. i'm really bored
85. i dont know what to say
86. this is number 86
87. i want to go home XD hehe
88. my name is lai?
89. my parents were too lazy to give me an english name
90. i think it was better that way
91. i'm kinda lazy right now
92. i dont want to finish 101 facts
92. i wish i could connect to aim right now so i can be less bored
93. i'm a night person
94. morning's don't like me
95. i like rain
96. San Diego likes to rain in the summer and shine its stupid sun in the winter
97. grr
98. my dad's favorite cuss phrase in hangzhou-nese is "nian shen le ge la li te" (really fast)
99. it means "my wife gave me a bald kid" (which in American terms, means "damn it"
100. I was born bald
101. I am done with this...yay...?

lai had her cup of tea at 3:12 p.m.



hot flashes
[Monday, June 23, 2003]

I'm back from San Francisco :D
people: *groan*

yes, I love you all too.
anyway.

It was pretty awesome though. The whole downtown of it all :D. I wish i walked along the streets more though, didnt get to do that much. I took pictures of random things such as...well.. street signs....and stores...because i just felt like it.
i decided to enjoy it like i did 5 years ago driving from San Mateo into Chinatown for grocery shopping with my mommy dearest. haha, yeah, we didnt go grocery shopping but we went and ate at places we'd always eat at. memories...nostalgia... good stuff. haha we went to the Shanghai xiao chi.. (english name: star lunch. fobbish, isnt it?)
[will insert photo of it here later... haha]
its really small...and my parents just like the... chou tofu (stinking bean curd). mmm. tasty. hahaa, yeah it smelled horrifically nasty but the food.. XD it was good. no, really.
Well thats really all i want to say right now. San Francisco is just...man i havent been back in 5 years and it was AWESOME going back. i also went to one of the elementary schools that i've attended...kinda like nostalgia slapping you over and over again. really cool. :D
anyways... yeah.. San Diego, man..suburbian San Diego is just kinda stupid.. people cant really go anywhere, really. I mean, and the weather, people say the weather's the greatest down here but i say its kind of random. (stupid sun. it thinks its better than me >.<) Best way to describe it would be like a middle-aged woman having recurring hot flashes. yeah. I would say if San Diego was a person... 40 year old Samantha Diegan going through hot flashes in the night. Very smiley old woman, though. palm tree dress. faux jewelery. the works.
er. anyways.
thats all for now. :D

lai had her cup of tea at 2:40 p.m.



phew
[Friday, June 20, 2003]

it took me about an hour and a half trying to transfer my xanga entries from DECEMBER up until now... -_- so any entry before this one until December 17th, 2002... is originally from my xanga. ... at... um... here, and...i archived my other entries. i'll link to my archives later. right now i'm just tired
oh yeah, thanks to aryeh, i remembered how much better pitas was. XD
I'm also going to San Francisco tomorrow afternoon for about two days. :D

lai had her cup of tea at 12:20 a.m.



photoshop manipulation
[Wednesday, June 18, 2003]

 I dont really like posting all that much unless i have something to say.

Maybe i'll type in third person
That would be great, minus the fact that its still me, just...mon autre personality.

The day before yesterday, I hung out with bunny, joy, sophie, and pearl at the mall...
which was super-cool. haha.. trying on dresses and such like. We took starshots..and we all wore black. Real sinister, our smiles really proved that. trying to just glare at the camera just really didnt work. :p

i have a huge smile
i have full-mouth-braces
lovely pictures. :D

haha then we took silly sailormoon poses.
I was the evil minion XD...
haha. It was really silly. haha they will be under the manipulation of photoshop >:D

good times
yesterday del mar fair. yum. food. the rides were good. bumper cars until no end! woot!
The fine arts fair thing was awesome. I would've stayed longer if my legs would cooperate standing an walking more. :D but it was super-ultra-awesome.

I'll feel like oiling soon. XD or pastelling
or caricature drawing.. or portrait-doing-in-the-middle-of-a-street-in-paris
oh...mais mes dessins sont MOCHE...
:D
au..revoir?

lai had her cup of tea at 11:36 p.m.



bland like bland..stuff
[Thursday, June 12, 2003]

Today was pretty bland

so here's a bland entry.

It was the last day of school but it felt like i had to go to school the next day anyway.

English final. Two questions. What makes good writing, and what does it take to be an expert reader. Two pages. Front and back. Stapled. Basket.

That was second period.

Elizabeth made me sit in the music area and wait for trees to grow.

which later meant that leabunny and aryeh was going to come visit.

which was the only highlight of the day

i've seen that sulking is a selfish thing to do.

Third period was just...reeking of boredom

Fourth period i hung out with leabunny and aryeh.

It was really fun

and then it ended

and then i had piano lesson

and that really sucked

because i wanted to hang out more.

and i sulked

which was a selfish thing to do.

Piano lesson, i blanked out and got tired.

and my piano teacher got pretty mad at me

i got in the car

and i napped.

And that was today

and today was pretty bland.

so that was a bland entry.

and today was bland

and it made me cry.

lai had her cup of tea at 11:04 p.m.



sleeep
[Tuesday, June 10, 2003]

a good time for The Strokes

and a good time for the bed.

lai had her cup of tea at 9:53 p.m.



patience and waiting
[Sunday, June 08, 2003]

Church was awesome

not really what happened, in terms of events, but what God had shown me through, well, through things.

Today we learned about Abraham again
being old, doubting a bit God's promise of a son. And generations, and descendents as numerous as the stars in the heavens.

God has taught me...patience...today. What Alex was preaching about, actually, which was  that God's promise is always going to be fulfilled, his covenant with Abraham and his new covenant with the blood of Christ.

and the tiny little promises
that God will never bring upon you more than you can handle, and that everything that is happening is getting you ready for something greater, for something else God has asked you to do.

And I have yet to find that out.

Its things like that, that give you hope
and wakes you up every morning

Because there is no greater Love than His.

lai had her cup of tea at 2:48 9.m.



Love is Patient
[Saturday, June 07, 2003]

Love is patient.

I was reading Amy's xanga entry
yep.
Amen, sistah :D

(True love waits)

lai had her cup of tea at 3:46 p.m.



different fitting room stall
[Wednesday, June 04, 2003]

A different fitting room stall<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

Sometimes I find myself with my other friends

Shopping at Nordstrom

Wondering why the hell I was in that store in the first place

Where t-shirts cost more than my whole outfit

And dresses worth more than my life

And I will sit outside the fitting room

Uncomfortably close to someone else’s

unfortunate husband

boyfriend

someone uncomfortable being male at that moment

After I will grow tired of their sighs and grunts

I could walk in and watch my friends throw those expensive dresses

Over the fitting room walls

My eyes would widen

As if the dress were my life

Flying across the room

 

I remember when my mother used to dress me

Before my preadolescence

Before my experience with the horrible world called

middle school

Shopping at Ross

Dress for Less

10 bucks a shirt was too much

No

Must be less

 

“Buy one get one free”

“50% off sale”

“After-Christmas Sale”

Words to live by

Replaced Chinese proverbs

 

Living in Clairemont Mesa across the street from a liquor store

One bedroom apartments

No need for two

Sleeping all in one bed

Waking up in one bed

And I’d think nothing of it

We weren’t poor

Daddy drives an ’84 Buick

Says

Look we have a car

 

I’d walk along the streets of La Jolla with my grandpa

The sun shone brighter there

And one day

We got lost

Downtown San Diego

Two non-English speaking pedestrians

Looking for a bus stop to take us back home

I wondered why I was different

And then I suddenly knew why

My daddy’s ’84 Buick couldn’t even save us

 

10 years later

Living in Black Mountain slightly hitting $600,000

We weren’t poor

Daddy drives the 2001 SUV

Rarely shopping at Ross

With my mother

Dress for Less

Spending my adolescent years at Nordstrom

Watching in amazement

As my life flew across the fitting room

And dropped into a different stall

lai had her cup of tea at 12:21 a.m.



apple sauces
[Sunday, June 01, 2003]

"drunk", thanks to aryeh for urging me to drink the rest of the sake.

X_X pineapples.

lai had her cup of tea at 12:23 a.m.



sleep deprivation
[Thursday, May 29, 2003]

2:05 AM and my head is misplaced
and is replaced.

lovely dancing
among the singing

hallucination how the hazy humming
of singers singing silently to me
my computer

whirring whispers i cant hear because they hum too loud
poetry is but something i havent grasped yet
right now

at
2:11 AM

dancing on my keyboard
hallucination the screen is a white haze.

_______________

my comment on this poem: I'm really tired and i'm sick of essays..

i need sleep.

yeah. dont we all.

lai had her cup of tea at 2:13 a.m.



feeling like crap! :D
[Sunday, May 25, 2003]

uughhh i feel like crap

my allergy medicine is making me so drowsy..and tired... i'm trying my hardest not to sound grumpy so my parents wont think i'm rebelious or something.

stress is happening.. a lot more than usual. journalism is getting demanding. at least after two more days of it, it'll be fine. but still. i've got a lovely bunch of work to do.

deedle lee dee.

here they are a piling in a stack

bum bum bum

allright. well i've had enough of it, and i think i will go crazy if this all doesnt stop soon. yeah. you're right. i'm already crazy.

yeah, you can say that summer vacation will make me feel better. well it only makes me more impatient and lazy.

ah, freshmaitis.

_____________

well i've had enough of it
bloody well enough of it
you've got nothing to say
nothing to say--

lai had her cup of tea at 7:09 p.m.



subway, eat fresh
[Thursday, May 22, 2003]

I have found it:
Mr Mcheffey read it to us in english in between many other poems. Reading poems like that is like layering a sandwich at Subway. First you feel moist like a tomato, and then suddenly it ends and you feel crunchy like lettuce.
well anyway, this poem stood out for me when he read it.
kind of like the mayonnaise. You can go through all the layers of the sandwich and still remember that mayonnaise. Not that this poem felt slimy like the mayonnaise, but somehow, hopefully, i have made my point.
well this poem is beautiful. it gave me the smell of rain, and bulbly english roses. usually i dont like flowery things.

now for eecummings:

somehwere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

- e.e.cummings

i love that poem.
i love it.
its the one love poem i can actually take
it tastes like rain
or at least it smells like it

or dewdrops, if you really want to be sappy.

lai had her cup of tea at 8:26 a.m.



ehh....well
[Sunday, May 18, 2003]

disclaimer: i dont kill jellyfish >_<

lai had her cup of tea at 10:19 p.m.



jellyfish
[Tuesday, May 13, 2003]

the jellyfish died
thats why
i just know it died
maybe you can tell
by the way i comb my hair
that the jellyfish died
maybe you can tell
by the way i smile
when i trip
that the jellyfish died
maybe you can tell
or maybe you can't
because when jellyfish die
they dont scream
no
i can't let them
because then the whole world will know
that the jellyfish died
and i cannot sting
no
floating on water
everything else
wont be cold
i'd rather have jellyfish
because I'm afraid
of smiling

its sad happy
maybe it didnt die
maybe its just sick

thats even worse
yep

no?
really


um. yeah. sorry about this poem. I dont expect anyone to actually understand what i'm saying. but everything would make sense if jellyfish scream when they die.

no i'm not talking about real jellyfish here, what did you think? well, my jellyfish dont scream when they die. thats why you cant understand this poem. I dont let the jellyfish scream. because thats when i am the most blind
the most foolish
the most crazy
when the jellyfish die

lai had her cup of tea at 8:44 p.m.



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