Week One 6-26 through 7-3
Day One June 26, 2003
10:56 PM
Well, I got off the phone with Shandi about an hour ago and I am miserable.
I am in love with her, but I can't tell her. I guess because I don't think she feels the same way. Why would she feel the same way anyways?
Another reason for my surly mood is about an email I got from my friend Jennifer Evans(I call her Jen-nay *I started saying it like that because of the Forrest Gump movie*) explaining what she thought about me. It was a harmless survey, well it seemed harmless. I am not "overly sensitive".. but when it comes to what people think I care way too much. Some of the questions on there are like "Will you ever get married".. She doesn't think I will ever get married.. that kind of hurts. I don't know why it just does. Does she think a fat loser like me will stay single the rest of my life?!
Another question that got to me is if she wanted us to get closer. I am not interested in Jen-nay, but I mean you always want to get closer to your friends, right?
I guess not.
It just really hurts that people don't want to get close to me. I know if I was at the average weight I would be able to have close relationships.
That really upsets me.. People say weight isn't important but I know they are full of shit.
I mean, for instance, My friend Brent(everyone calls him "Spanky", I nicknamed him that because he is perverted.. haha)and I used to be pretty close. He would come over every weekend, we'd smoke pot and watch movies.. ya know just hanging out.
Then he lost some weight. He got too good for me.. well, at least it seems like it.
Now,every other day he is with his dad doing something or he is "getting pussy up in Little Rock" no time for the fat guy. Even though you used to be fat! I think he is getting a supieority complex and he needs to reevaluate things. C'mon man, just because your not fat anymore doesn't mean you have to ditch everybody.
The only one I can turn to right now I think is TIffany Erwin. I don't know why I can talk to her before anybody else right now.. She is a really good person and people need to give her a chance. I can come to her for advice, not the b/s sugarcoated kind that you can get from "friends". She doesn't lie to me and she straight out tells me what she thinks.
I would turn to Shandi right now, but I can't.
I can't say "Hey Shandi, I am in love with my best friend and I don't know how to tell her".
She is my best friend. She knows that.
I don't know what to do anymore... I just need to think, writing on this site is really helping me get a lot of emotions out though.
I am going to stop working on this site for awhile and talk to Tiffany some more. I think after I do that I am going to go to sleep.
Good night.
Writing for Day Two
7-28-03
3:59 AM
Well, I am up at 4:00 in the morning thinking of her. I could not got to sleep.. there was no way.
Most of the reason was I kept thinking about Shandi. I always think about her, but I really got to thinking so I got on the net to find some lyrics from a song that reminded me of her. Boy, if that isn't a runon sentence I will be happy.
The song was "Swing,Swing" by The All American Rejects.
The parts that got me thinking of her were the parts about crying over the phone.. and the days spent thinking of her line at the beginning.
I won't be able to talk to Shandi until Band camp in ten.. well, now nine days.
I have had a few escapes for today though..
Take for example.. as of right now I am high.
I am beginning to cut back on marajuana, but I thought I could use some.. I wasn't in the best of spirits earlier.
Another escape for me is talking to my friend Sarah's Aunt on the net.(She is only sixteen, if you are wondering.) She is extremely cool to talk to. She thinks everything I say about Shandi is extremely sweet and wants me to tell Shandi how I feel.
She is nice to talk to, but I have really enjoyed talking to Tiffany. Tiffany really helped me feel better yesterday and today she helped too. The only thing that depresses me at all with Tiffany is the fact that she lets a guy named Chris stomp on her heart.
I don't know Chris, so I can't judge him. All I know is.. Tiffany is a really nice person, and I don't want to see her get hurt.
I am thinking of posting the conversation we had on this site, but I am debating it because it might be an invasion of her privacy.. If I do post it.. I am going to have it to where I can go back and look at it, but it will still be concealed to others.
Changing the subject from people that help me emotionally to people that might be trying to help me physically might be a good idea for now...
Earlier tonight, my neighbor came over and appeared to be high.. I was in the kitchen getting a drink or something.. I am not sure, and he started punching me.
I didn't really want to fight back at the time, because he was high, and he also kicked my ass a few days before when I was drunk. So, I mainly just took some licks.. one thing I have learned is, that I need to get better at fighting. I could fight if I needed, but I need to get more practice in my defense.
I guess I will just talk about camp before I go to sleep. (Oh, and if you haven't noticed on this site yet, most of my writings don't really worry about transition.)
Well, I got an orange letter in the mail today that was written about the diffrent activites taking place at camp.
Some of the activities were a little "surprizing" to say the least. For example.. the "gender bender" dance where I will probally end up in drag.
I was talking to Angela Berlin on the net earlier and she was really excited about going. She seems so intent on making this the best year any of the White Hall people have had at camp. I hope it is awsome. With friends like her there, it is sure to be.
A few hours later, I got a call from another of my GATE friends. This time it was Brittny Horn.
We probally talked for about two hours. She is a really cool chick. I miss talking to smart people like her.(Not that anyone I know is stupid.. it is just that she is extremely smart)
We talked a long while, and I must say it was refreshing catching up with her. I need to start hanging out with the "band dorks". After all, I am a band dork.. They are really cool people.
A whole lot happened today and it was a pretty good day. Some things I wish I could have changed but, along with every other day.. it had meaning somehow.
I am going to try to sleep for a few hours before I leave for my brother's concert in Arkadelphia later.. so, goodnight.
