When my husband, Brian and I found out we were pregnant again he was so excited. I was excited about having a baby, but not about being pregnant. Pregnancy does not agree with me. When i was pregnant with my daughter, Ramona, I had such bad back aches and morning sickness was so bad I lost alot of weight in the beginning of my pregnancy. I couldn't keep anything down. This pregnancy was different.
I hardly had any morning sickness and my body didn't hurt as bad. I went to all my doctors appointments, and at every checkup there was never anything wrong, never a sign that anything would go wrong. Cameron's heartbeat was strong, he moved all the time, I was not anemic, and did not have diabetes. When I was about thirty two weeks along I gained ten pounds in a three week time. I thought that was very unusual, but my doctor assured me that is was okay, telling me that you usually gain more weight in the later months because the baby gets bigger.
About two weeks later, she measured my tummy and told me I was five centimeters bigger than what I was suppose to be. She then scheduled a sonogram appointment so I could have my baby measured to make sure he wasn't too big for me to deliver. The sonogram was scheduled for August 19th. On August 15th at nine in the morning I went to my doctors appointment. She again listened to Cameron's heartbeat, and did a routine thirty eight week pelvic exam. She told me I was one centimeter dilated, so we knew I could have Cameron anyday. After the doctors appointment I went to pick up Ramona from my moms. That is when the pain began. It was really slight and didnt't go away like normal contractions do. This one was continuous and on going. I just thought they were back pains.
I left my mom's at about eleven a.m. to go grocery shopping. While I was shopping the pain got really bad so I took the stuff I had, paid for it and left to go home. When I got home I put Ramona in bed for her nap and layed down on the couch. Brian called me at about 12:30 and asked how I was doing. I told him about the pain I was having and we decided that maybe I should try a warm bath to see if it helped. Brian called again while I was in the tub, but I couldn't talk to him, because I started vomiting so viciously it made my chest hurt. Brian booked it home from work and we called my mom, she was suppose to watch Ramona for us.
Brian went back to work, because we never thought anything bad would happen, you know you always think nothing bad can happen to me, those are just stories of other people. My mom ended up going with me to the hospital and Ramona to my sisters. On the way to the hospital I told my mom to take it easy because every little bump or movement in the car made me hurt worse. When we finally made it to the hospital, they had to get a wheelchair for me, because the pain hurt so bad I couldn't walk. My mom wheeled me into the labor and delivery room and when I was being seen to by a nurse left to go and register me. A nurse helped me to get undressed and into a gown and back into bed where she made me wear that stupid little girdle that is only made for skinny people.
She put the contraction monitor on and the heartbeat monitor. She had a really hard time finding Cameron's heartbeat, probably because I was moving around so much. After a while of trying she called in another nurse, who couldn't find it either. They finally called in a doctor who brought an ultrasound machine. I asked the doctor what it meant if they couldn't find a heartbeat and he told me it meant that my baby was dead. It all sunk in then how serious this was. I held on to my mom's hands praying they would find a heart beat. I kept saying over and over, " please find my baby's heartbeat, please find my baby's heartbeat." After, I don't know how long , of looking the doctor told me, " I'm sorry, your baby is dead." The six most horrifying words in my life! I screamed, " No, No, No, my baby is not dead!" I then turned on my side and pulled my legs to my chest, well, atleast as far as my belly would allow, and cried.
My mom called Brian and told him to come to the hospital right away. My mom then called my mother-in-law and told her Cameron had passed and I don't think my mother-in-law really believed my mom because, I heard my mom telling her through her tears, " I told you , the baby is dead." I just kept crying and crying. I remember my mom asking if I could have a c-section because, we thought it was pretty cruel to make me go through labor when we knew what the outcome was going to be. How was I suppose to be motivated to push my baby out? They told me no, because they had someone coming down to take blood to see if that could tell what caused my angel to die. After that I didn't acknowledge anything going on around me. My nurse came in to tell me that her shift was over and that she was really sorry for my loss. Looking back now I feel sorry for that nurse. She was so upset she couldn't get my I.V in, she had to call another nurse to do it, she was crying so hard.
Then the two most wonderful nurses in the world came to help me. Robin and Jen let anyone in the room who wanted to be in there. So, I had my mom, Brian, my dad, Brian's mom, and my best friends, Stephanie, Jason, and Janel. When the shock of losing my baby dimmed a tiny bit, I started feeling the pain alot more. I started getting really cold and was asking for a heated blanket every few minutes. My mom later tells me that, that is when I started passing out. She said my eyes would roll into the back of my head. Brian told me that the smelling salts they put under my nose had to be held there for quite a few minutes before I woke up. All I remember is coming to and hearing my mom and Brian yelling at me to wake up and talk to them. We didn't know it at the time but, the reason I was passing out was because I was bleeding internally from the placenta tearing, no blood ever came out to warn me anything was wrong, it sat on top of my son till he was born.
They gave me some fluids and that stabilized me and Brian and my mom finally let me do my own thing and sleep. I remember a man coming in to take some blood and I guess I was not a happy camper, because I remember telling him, " What my baby dies and now your checking me for drugs?" He took ten vials of blood, I take it he didn't want to have to come back. My mom tells me that after he left a lady came in to take my fingerprints, and my mom asked her what she thought she was doing and the nurse told her that she needed my prints for the baby's file. My mom told her to get her ass out of there and go and read my file again. She didn't come back.
I asked if I could have an epidural and they said I couldn't, now my blood wasn't clotting. I was really fed up with all the shit that was going wrong when it wasn't suppose to go wrong, I told her if she wasn't going to give me an epidural then she had better get me something, cause now I'm pissed. The statedole she gave me lasted a little while and when I asked for more she brought me some morphine. The morphine didn't touch me, I wanted the statedole back. By this time the only people in the room was my mom and Stephanie, Brian went to get something to eat and be by himself for a bit. I then started to get really clammy, sweaty and restless. I felt so hot, I couldn't breath. I told Robin that I need to use the restroom, anything to get out of bed, and she helped me walk in there. Jen came in to sit with me to make sure I was okay, and that is when I started vomiting again. Jen sat there and rubbed my back and shoulders and held my hair out of my face. I don't know how much time had passed after I got back into bed, But I started feeling really uncomfortable. I thought that for some reason that if I got on my hands and knees it would help the pain. It didn't, but it helped Cameron to come into the birth canal.
When I turned back over onto my back I felt a burning between my legs. I reached down with my hand and felt a big bulge. At the time I didn't know it was Cameron's head. I had an epidural with Ramona and didn't feel anything. Epidural was my best friend that day. With Cameron it was a whole new experience, If I ever get pregnant again I'm not going to want an epidural, I liked the fact that I could feel everything, it made me feel more connected with my son. I told my mom that there was burning and a bulge. I asked her what was happening. She was yelling for a nurse while Stephanie was pushing the call button. As soon as Jen took one look at me, she called the doctor. He came in and I started pushing. It only took four pushed and my beautiful precious angel was born.
I didn't get to hold him right away, because I still had not delivered the placenta yet. The doctor had to pull on the umbilical cord to get the placenta to come out, and when it did a whole mess of blood clots came out with it. They had to use two pans to take the blood clots down to the lab to make sure everything was fine. It was. Robin and Jen weighed and dressed Cameron in a blue, knitted hat and blue knitted socks. Janel dressed him in some beautiful blue plaid overalls and a blue shirt. I finally then got to hold my son. Robin and Jen brought in a disposable camera and took pictures of my angel. Stephanie and Jason had a digital camera and took pictures of Cameron, Brian and me. My biggest regret now is not taking more pictures of Cameron. They are my most treasured and precious momentos. My mom held him and so did Brian.
I held Cameron for as long as I could. I was really drained form all the loss of blood. Cameron was born at eight thirty p.m. on August 15th 2003. He was eight pounds and twenty inches long. They hardest thing was going through labor knowing my son had already passed, never knowing the color of his eyes, and never hearing the sweet music of his sweet, sweet cry. When I was getting ready to be moved to the post partum unit, Robin and Jen let Brian and my friends wheel me outside to get some fresh air and to have a cigarette, great combination, huh? My mom asked if there was anyway I could be put on another floor. They told her no, because the nurses are better trained to deal with people in my situation, but told us I would have a private room. That's when I said goodbye to Robin and Jen. I didn't know at the time but they made a memory book for me with Cameron's hair and footprints in it. They also got me a memory box and put the clothes that Cameron wore in it.
I then got a nurse named Lisa. She had to help me to the restroom, I was still bleeding badly, going through a pad in an hour. Because the bleeding was so bad I got dizzy when I would Stand up, and a month later I still do, because my blood pressure would drop dramatically. Every half hour Lisa would come in and tell me I didn't look good and that she was worried about me. She called in a doctor and he told me I would need a blood transfusion. They gave me three bags of blood over a six hour period.. The blood felt like ice being pumped into my veins. It could have been because of the blood was refrigerated or because my heart had turned to ice and was broken.
After the transfusion my blood pressure stabilized and I went home with no baby, my arms empty and my heart missing my son, three days after Cameron was born. On August 27th we had a small memorial for Cameron. I just wanted close family and close friends there, the people who were around when he was here, I didn't want to be around people and I still don't. Sometimes people try to help, but end up making things worse, by saying something cold and heartless. Physically I'm okay now but emotionally I'm still a wreck. I still avoid the public, seeing newborn babies is the hardest, and it seems the only people I can talk to are the people who were there with me when Cameron passed and people who have suffered their own loss. For all the mothers who have lost a child you have my deepest sympathy for the pain you are going to have to go through and don't let anyone one tell you when your grieving time is over, because healing takes a lifetime, and remember this saying, " Some people only dream of angels, we have held one in our arms."
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