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Morning Glories

Memories of Lost Days Because of My Eating Disorder



This is me before I was taken in by the monster I call ED. In this picture I not only am a normal eater, but I am also still innocent and have no clue of what a real lost could be. This was taken when I was a senior in high school. It's one of three photos I had taken that day. I remember how much fun I had feeling like a model, but I never thought I needed to lose weight. I felt beautiful and carefree. I did have this underlying fear of being fat, but I never thought I could be one of those who became anorexic/bulimic. I wore a size five and was happy with that. I actually thought I was skinny. It's funny how your mind can play tricks on you...mine decided to tell me that I was fat. A size five is scary to me now. A three I can handle. But I was once a zero which later was too big. And now, being anything below a three scares me. I'm scared because I know what 'it' is capable of. I was once starving in more ways than one, and I was once living just to die.

There were no regrets yet at the time of these photos, and no impurifications shattering my little world that I so dearly held onto. This is me... the pretty pretty princess. ~



A little sleep goes a long way. A high school boyfriend took this photo while I was napping before our big bringing in of the year 2000. I thought I had a good time, but when I look back on it my memories of him corrupt all the things I enjoyed. He stole my life from me, but I'm here and writing to take it back.


Simple Beginnings

My story begins here...in the mind of myself and the terror which began that April evening of the year 2000. Before then, I had only just glimpsed my future.

I could smile like no one else. I remember bringing laughter into the most serious rooms. I loved playing the piano more than anything in the world. At the time I didn't even know how good I really was. My perfectionism took me over and I never felt that my playing was good enough...even with all the awards and such. I could sing as if I were a young opera singer. People ooohed and awwwed when I opened my mouth or touched the keys. If you couldn't find me, I was in the music room where I both worked as the teachers baby sitter and spent my free time practicing. It's funny, the place I loved the most is where I first heard the words I hate the most...
"you're chubby." These came from the mouth of my first REAL BIG crush.

I was never beautiful during high school (with the exception of my first three months as a senior). I wore braces, got pimples now and then, didn't wear makeup, had the oldest school hair style, no fashion sense, and absolutely no guys after me. I knew I was ugly, and I came to terms with it. But being chubby or fat, or what not, only slowly krept up on me as my horror.

I had always been the "twig" of my household. Of my three siblings I was the thinnest. My nickname as a child was bird!! I was teased for being so skinny, but I never thought about it being bad. I never cared that they teased me, but I did care when they stopped. Although they stopped when I was around 14 or 15 years old I never noticed until I was 18.

I met this woman when I was 16. She worked with me at this church and she decided to make me her new friend...basically her new little toy to play with. She knew I was vulnerable and clean. She was dirty and old. So I allowed her to be my friend and thus began the fall.

I "needed" a boyfriend. The one that I wanted lived down the street from my new best friend Kelly*. Everything with the boy down the street got all messed up and so he never became my boyfriend. He hated Kelly and soon I learned that she wasn't everything I thought she had been. She really wasn't my friend after all. Kelly loved food and hanging out with me (the little 16 year old girl...and the 22 year old single mother seems odd to me now...haha). Most of my nights were spent hanging out with her and days in the summer too. I ate like she ate and gained around 12 pounds, but I really didn't care. I never thought about it. Then, Kelly turned into this crazy woman and I dropped her friendship, but not before I picked up a new friend...Derrick*.

In one month I lost the weight I had gained by being Kelly's friend. I didn't try to...it just came off because my eating habits were normal. I didn't eat fast food six times a day. I ate what my mother had for me. I remember when I had lost around ten pounds I felt good about it. Everyone was telling me I looked good. I started watching what I ate.

I felt like I needed a boyfriend really bad. You see, all my life I've been denied the love a young girl should be given. My father was an alcoholic while I grew up and didn't stop drinking until I left for college. He wouldn't tell me he loved me unless I told him first. When I was around eleven or twelve I decided to stop telling him because he wouldn't tell me. There's a home video taken on the balcony of my house where my dad is taping our yard. I must have been only six or seven years old, but I was right beside him saying, "I love you daddy do you love me??" I asked him three times and I was never given a reply.

Through a lot of therapy I've come to realize that this has been the core of my disorder. It was only a spark then, but on April 20, 2000 it was lit and only grew as each wind took a turn. You see, the guy I finally was able to get as a boyfriend stole my virginity...my purity...my innocense...my sanity...my beauty. I lost myself and died that night. And I've always felt it was my fault. People can tell me that it's not my fault, but truly...in the back of my mind I tell myself that it's not my fault, but the front says it is.

Look Further

Past Journaling

Photos

*Names Changed