There were no regrets yet at the time of these photos, and no impurifications shattering my little world that I so dearly held onto. This is me... the pretty pretty princess. ~
I was never beautiful during high school (with the exception of my first three months as a senior). I wore braces, got pimples now and then, didn't wear makeup, had the oldest school hair style, no fashion sense, and absolutely no guys after me. I knew I was ugly, and I came to terms with it. But being chubby or fat, or what not, only slowly krept up on me as my horror.
I had always been the "twig" of my household. Of my three siblings I was the thinnest. My nickname as a child was bird!! I was teased for being so skinny, but I never thought about it being bad. I never cared that they teased me, but I did care when they stopped. Although they stopped when I was around 14 or 15 years old I never noticed until I was 18.
I met this woman when I was 16. She worked with me at this church and she decided to make me her new friend...basically her new little toy to play with. She knew I was vulnerable and clean. She was dirty and old. So I allowed her to be my friend and thus began the fall.
In one month I lost the weight I had gained by being Kelly's friend. I didn't try to...it just came off because my eating habits were normal. I didn't eat fast food six times a day. I ate what my mother had for me. I remember when I had lost around ten pounds I felt good about it. Everyone was telling me I looked good. I started watching what I ate.
Through a lot of therapy I've come to realize that this has been the core of my disorder. It was only a spark then, but on April 20, 2000 it was lit and only grew as each wind took a turn. You see, the guy I finally was able to get as a boyfriend stole my virginity...my purity...my innocense...my sanity...my beauty. I lost myself and died that night. And I've always felt it was my fault. People can tell me that it's not my fault, but truly...in the back of my mind I tell myself that it's not my fault, but the front says it is.