I have been informed by a little m.e. that i haven't written in over a month. Well, i dont think it was an accident. I really didn't want to talk to anyone for the past month, so I haven't been online, because if i am and i write, then someone notices that i didn't have my buddly list up and then i have to make up an excuse...like oh leah messed with it or something. why do i always blame things on my sister, i guess it's because i've been doing it for years and can't face my own problems. which is very true. yesterday i was really depressed, for no particular reason. I hate how eveyone ALWAYS asks what's wrong when they really don't care, they're just bored and you're not talking. but when they do care and you know it, you don't want to tell because it'll hurt them. I don't want to hurt anybody else, but it comes naturally. I don't know what to do with myself. Probably the best thing i've done for myself in the last month is write a suicide note. I know that everyone will probably freak out at that, i wasn't planning on doing anything, but just to see what i'd say to my friends. It made me realize all the wonderful things my friends are going to accomplish, and that i want to see it happen. so, in a way it helped me to live. My clock reads 5:44 and my mother isn't home yet, maybe she's out getting me that pizza i asked for. although I doubt it. I wish i could write, if i could i'd let my pain out on paper. I wish i could draw, i could draw it. but it's silly to dream. I think my gerbil has become an artist. He turned his wheel on it's side and put his little wooden square on top of it. Maybe Lacie, leah's friend, was just messing with it, or maybe i've finally gone totally insane and am seeing things. I really don't know what to say to ya'll, because not a lot has happened in awhile. Some advise, (please dont take me seriously i just need to vent) never fall in love. don't even think about guys/girls i know this sounds selfish, but maybe that's where happiness truly lies. as i've said before, dont take this seriously, and joe especially, don't get mad. I know you're in love with jessi, i think that's swell for you so i don't want to go against that. why is it that people don't feel complete until they are in a relationship? that doesn't satisfy your hunger either, because it's human nature to want more. It's impossible to be truly happy. Maybe in a moment you can be blissful, but never truly. i hope im not making anyone depressed, i don't mean to. I'm sorry in advance for any sadness i will cause. Great, moms home. I guess i'll go and see if she needs any help with anything and again put on my "happy" face and pretend that i'm just hunky dory. see ya