I have a funny feeling this page will get more throrough updates than the main page, or any other for that matter. I've left a link up on my update for today on the homepage, and I figure I'll take it down tomorrow if I remember. From there, I'll either hide it, or just never post it again. I mean, I don't care if no ones reads this... It's just easier and faster than writing in a journal and I like the idea that someone can read everything they want, if they feel so inclined. Just one note, if you read this page, don't EVER mention it to me. Don't tell me you've read it, don't tell me you know about it, don't ask about a post, don't comment on a post. Just have it for your own personal knowledge, I guess.
Saturday June 28th, 2003
9:12pm
So yeah, puzzles, puzzles, puzzles... almost everyone loves a good puzzle. But why? I mean, they take forever to solve, and you have no instructions on how to reach the end result, you know you have a problem (250 pieces that you have to arrange in the right order to produce an image), and you know that there is a goal you must reach, you can ever develop your own strategy as you progress. I've never understood why people enjoy them so much.
Life is a puzzle, and as for myself, I'm too busy trying to work my way through this one (note: im not trying to solve it) to bother trying to solve little pictures of farm animals and baseball games. I talk to W and D when I'm looking for a challenge. That's all I need.
Everything, everything will be alright...
-Elisabeth
Why don't you trust me? Why do you lie and say that you do when you really don't? Why don't you tell me what you're really thinking? Why don't you see ME? Why do you pretend that you love me when the truth is you realy just can't stand to see me with someone else? Why do people want me? Can't they see that they're much better off without? Is there some comfort or satisfaction that people get out of watching me break hearts, or have mine broken? WHY DO I DO THIS?
Tuesday May 20th, 2003
11:06pm
I spoke to W today about all this prom junk. I said I didn't want to go before when he had asked me, but now I suddenly regret that decision. I mean, I stand by the reasons I had when I said no, but at the same time... I don't know... I guess I still feel as I always did, deep down. Prom is supposed to be all glitz and glamour. It's supposed to be a night to remember... and I always thought it would be better to go with a friend, someone you'll always remember fondly, as opposed to some bitch/bastard you just happen to be going out with. Whatever, maybe I'm just beign stupid.
I also spoke to J for the first time in a while. We had a great conversation until I suggested the whole camping-expedition thing... then he got all "I don't want to be there with you and W... blah blah blah" and it was basically just a repeat of every conversation we've ever had. I'm getting so annoyed with all this. Not just with J, or that conversation, just the whole fucking thing. Why is it that you can be the best of friends with some people, but then the second you're going out with somone else, they get all "I don't want to get in the middle of anything" and crap? It seems that when you decide to go out with someone, it means you have to give up all forms of social life without that person. What the fuck is up with that?
I also saw K at the mall today, and that only added to my feelings of self-disgust. She's so perfect, and beautiful, and gorgeous... and I'm so... not... That added to the fact that I'm told things are falling apart between K and D and I feel really bad because of it. I mean, I always thought this time things would work out. D sounded like he really cared about K, and that he was committed to making it work. It feels like he's given up, I guess.
I was talking to W about that, and he thought there was some underlying feeling... he thought I was jealous of K because she was going out with D or something. I know it's not that. I'm completely over D and I can honestly say that without a twinge of doubt. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder; is the reason I care so much about D and K working out somehow tied to some deep, underlying feeling? Like, maybe I really want it to work out between them because it means that everyone else was wrong... it would mean I wouldn't have to belief what everyone else told me when we were going out... all that junk about stuff. This scares me. But at the same time, it doesn't scare me. On the flipside, the deep-underlying feeling could just be hope. Hope that it works out for them so that they can be as happy as I am with W. Everyone should be this happy.
For the first time ever, I feel like I can be myself around someone. I can be bitchy when I feel bitchy, sweet when I feel sweet, stupid when I feel stupid, upset when I feel upset, happy when I feel happy... And I don't worry about how I look... or what I'm saying... or how he'll react when I say something, even if it's totally out of context. It's a nice feeling. Plus, he treats me like royalty, and I know I deserve so much less (a heart of pure black deserves the soot of the earth). Makes me wonder why I've been the one chosen to be blessed with this.
Then there are the other, darker issues. Tings like my feelings today that have led me to scare myself. I was looking at my ugly, cut-up legs again today... I saw this big cut and just had to pick at it. I saw the thick, deep, red blood forming a little river down the front and side of my leg, and couldn't help but marvel at it's beauty. I'm sorry if this scares some of you (it scared me too), but that's honestly what I was thinking. I also thought I could seriously be a masochist if I wasn't such a sissy.
Sometimes I think I need help... I wish people would take me seriously and get me some serious attention from someone I could talk to who won't judge me. Cause you all do. You might not admit that you are judging me, but you know you are. But then at the same time, I'm glad no one tells anyone. I'm glad no one takes me seriously. Cause tomorrow I'll be all peppy and perky as usualu and the world will keep turning.
physical wounds heal.
emotional scars fade.
everything, everything will be alright...
...right?
-Elisabeth