Dear Choobie,

 

After being with you for nearly three years now, there are some things that I really want to let you know.  Well I want to be thorough about this so this might be a bit long and I really enjoy reminiscing about our past J 

 

Past

 

When I first met you, I admit that the fact that you never had a boyfriend really scared me away.  I had mistakenly made many assumptions with you.  Can you really blame me?  Every girl I’ve had any involvement with has been a “first timer” and you know how those ended up.  I thought you were a really sweet girl and really didn’t want to start stuff like that because I just didn’t want it to end up disastrously.  However, it was really wrong for me to think that.  It should’ve been YOU who to be picky.  I mean, I was a guy who has had 2 girlfriends in the past and a lot of baggage.  So thank you for giving me a chance.  My indecisiveness in the past came directly from those things.

 

I know you hate this part but I have to talk about it.  It’s simple really:  you like me, I like you … so what’s the problem?  Well when I first decided that I wanted you as my girlfriend it too a LOT of thinking on my part.  Maybe I should’ve just gone with the flow.  But I know now that it drove you nuts but I just wanted to be absolutely sure.  I’m not the type of guy to have a lot of girls and go from one to the next.  I just don’t find it inside of me to use someone like that.  Believe it or not, I wasn’t sure if you liked me back.  I know we had talked a lot during the nights IMing each other till dawn.  Through that I was starting to fall for you because I just thought you were the absolute awesomest person.  You were smart, funny, caring, witty…the list goes on and on.  To top it off, I thought you were really cute. 

 

Well when I asked you when I was on the rail of Best Buy near the Tech area, you just agreed to be my girlfriend.  I was ready to jump out of my shoes and my heart starting beating really fast.  Basically I was on cloud 9 J  This joy would be short-lived.  I guess you had spoken to your friends and they had put a lot of doubt into your head.  Who can blame them; here I was this stranger about to get with the sweetest most innocent girl.  It’s like my next victim.  I really didn’t want you to think that way and I guess I was pretty hurt when you called me that day told me to put things on hold.

 

Luckily I didn’t give up.  We continued to talk online and everything and you finally gave me a chance.  Yay!  Then a short while later, you again called it off!  Chate you!  I think you were again a little afraid of getting hurt and weren’t clear to what my intentions were.  Unfortunately at the time I had already decided to put my heart into it and it hurt me quite a bit.  I could tell you were holding back but luckily for me you came around a little while later made a commitment to me (although I wasn’t clear we were boyfriend/girlfriend) hehe. 

 

Since you’re rushing me to sleep…lemme rush ahead to the more present.

 

I know you hate reflecting on the bad times but I think it’s necessary to look back to appreciate what we have now.  Well after our Hawaii trip, things began to go downhill and bad became worse.  Before that period of time, we had talked on the phone virtually every night, we had shared everything.  Then slowly we began to drift apart.  We began to not see each other as often, sometimes going as long as 3 weeks L  I don’t know if I was angry or hurt but I admit that I did some things to hurt you.  I knew you wanted to see me sometimes and I just didn’t respond to that.  I was very selfish and didn’t consider your feelings and what YOU wanted to do.  I wouldn’t see the movies you want to see, I wouldn’t do the things you wanted to do.  I was really mean to you at the time and I really didn’t mean to be.  You were so sweet through the whole time, you sacrificed and compromised while I was pretty mean.  You didn’t complain.  You didn’t get mad and yell at me.  I know you wanted us to work.

 

Then after a while I guess we weren’t really looking forward to seeing each other as much.  I began going home on weekends.  You began making plans and “inviting me.”  It was a really trying time for the both of us.  We didn’t know the warmth of our relationship had grown so cold.  So cold in fact that the fire almost extinguished. 

 

An early symptom of our problems began when we had our phone conversation at night when we first “broke up.”  I’m not talking about THE breakup but as a metaphor, the first earthquake that shook the foundation of our relationship and revealed many deep cracks.  When I spoke on the phone with you that night, I was depressed for several days.  I knew I had to solve our problem or end things.  I just didn’t feel that we loved each other anymore.  Maybe I was imagining things, but when I tried to breakup with you that first time, I did something that I have never done before…cry rivers.  I was about to hang up on you having you agreed to break up.  But you said the absolute one thing that saved our relationship.  “Study hard ok Choobs?”  That was the moment I fell in love with you.  It reminded me of your caring and selfless nature, willing to sacrifice things to please others.  At that moment, I had almost lost one of the most valuable precious things in my life, you. 

 

The moment you said those words I realized I had made a big mistake.  I immediately retracted my breakup and things seemed to be on the right track again.  Unfortunately all we had done was just paint over the cracks.  Our foundation was still shaky and would eventually lead to the worst moment in my life.

 

We had drifted further and further apart.  You were waiting and knew it was coming.  We had come to a crossroad in our relationship.  Do we continue forward and salvage what we had or do we throw in the towel?  My reason for talking to you was to fix things but I guess our inner feelings came out you actually agreed that breaking up would be the best thing for us.  Again, once those words immediately left my mouth that we should break up, I knew it was mistake.  This time however, there was no turning back.  You were tired of getting hurt and I was simply too selfish.  I was shocked beyond belief that you didn’t want me back.  For the first time in my life I was heartbroken.  I had never experienced such pain and I guess I really deserved it.  I had let the best thing in my left slip away.  I don’t want to go into too much detail but you know the feeling and I put you through a lot at the time.  From the bottom of my heart Choobs I’m so sorry.  I guess it really hit home to me when you said you had lost your “passion” for me.  That hurt me the most and what disappointed me was that I didn’t know you felt this way inside for so long.

 

However, in order to rebuild something, we have to demolish the structure and redo the foundation.  Luckily after a week of hell for the both of us, you agreed to give me one last chance.  To this day and I live each day as if I’ve been giving a second chance. 

 

Here’s where this thing gets good Choobs so I’m sorry I had to make you read all that but it’s necessary to understand that those tears shed were not in vain.  Although I wish the time wasted was time spend chuddling, giving each other kissies and enjoying each other.  Well thank you Choobs for giving me the chance to prove myself that I love you from the bottom of my heart.  I know that you were taking a risk coming back to me when there are so many other people out there who would be lucky to have you.  I don’t want to hear about your future boyfriends etc. and we would still be “friends.”  That’s just simply unacceptable to me.  I’m still in love with you. J

 

Well I know I tell you this a lot but let me elaborate.  I’ve never been so in love with someone as much as I am now with you.  You have shown me that the more I put in to this relationship, the more I get out of it.  I now understand that when you truly love someone, you actually WANT to sacrifice things.  When I’m cold and I see that you’re cold, I would give you my sweater in a heartbeat.  I would help you out in any situation, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  You just need to ask if I don’t know about it.  I love doing anything and everything with you.  I love that we can have fun talking for hours, chatting on the internet, going out and enjoying food, staying in and watching TV and being intimate.  There’s just never a boring moment.  I love that you’re open to everything and you’re always by my side.

 

I am sooo happy that you’ve regained your passion for me.  I have worked really hard and poured so much of my heart into this relationship that I really can’t do much more.  If you’re not satisfied now, then maybe you should dump me because this is 100% of me.  I love everthing you do for me.  I have noticed the sacrifices you make for me, putting me a priority and including me in your life and your family.  I have always loved your family and would never be disrespectful to any of them ok Choobs?   Since your dad isn’t around much, you should turn to me for any type of help or anything.  I am there for you and am only a phonecall away.  Never ever be afraid to ask me anything.  If I can’t help you then I will find someone who can…unlike some waiters. Hehe.  I also know that I can turn to you for help and believe it or not, you have helped me a lot. 

 

In conclusion…since it’s getting late…I want you to know that I am so proud of you.  I am soooo lucky to have such a wonderful girlfriend.  I just can’t imagine being with anyone else.  You’re beautiful, smart and so talented.  Sometimes I have shivers run through my body when I hold your hand because I just get overwhelmed by the fact that someone so wonderful loves me so much.  Your hand is always there when I reach out, ready to hold mine and to hug me and kiss me.  You truly are wonderful.  You are so cute that I get choked up every time I look above my bed and see pictures of us.  I think we make a great couple and I love your laugh and your voice.  There’s really nothing else you can possibly do to make me love you more.  Muah muah muah. 

 

Last thing, I really really appreciate you coming up to Alhambra to visit me.  You can’t imagine how happy you make me.  For you to drive all this way to see me truly shows me how much you love and care for me.  I just want you to know that I will be there for you anytime you need me to come down ok baby? 

 

In conclusion, I am looking forward to many more years together.  As our relationship gets older, it feels fresher and for some strange reason I miss you more and more.  I truly believe in my heart that we were meant to be.  I know I beat up on myself a lot in this, but I want you to know that I have never stopped loving you, even when times were bad.  I hope the Chubbear family throughout the years, the flowers, the kisses and the many drives to your place have proven that.  I truly love you and respect you.  Thank you for filling my heart with joy and love.

 

I love you Choobie.

 

Johnny