i hate life
omg today is fucked up beond anything. my baby is kicked out, no where to go. I've called millions of places and people, no luck. My VERY last option is Austin. (my dads friend) i hope that works out..god i hope that works out. I'm crying and iuno weather to call him..or just sleep. Sleep and pretend this isnt happing. I mean shit, he's leaving in 4 fuckin months for the fuckin army, why cant his mother be a fuckin mother and just support him till then>?? i guess ill never understand._________________________this song is like my theme song_______________________________________________________________________________________________"Serenity" As I sit here and slowly close my eyes I take another deep breath And feel the wind pass through my body I'm the one in your soul Reflecting the light Protect the ones who hold you Cradling your inner child It's serenity In a place where I can hide I need serenity Nothing changes, days go by Where do we go when we just don't know And how do we relight the flame when it's cold Why do we dream when I thought mean nothing And when will we learn to control Tragic visions slowly stole my life Tore away everything Cheating me out of my time I'm the one who loves you No matter wrong or right And every day I hold you I hold you with my inner child It's serenity In a place where I can hide I need serenity Nothing changes, days go by Where do we go when we just don't know And how do we relight the flame when it's cold Why do we dream when I thought mean nothing And when will we learn to control Where do we go when we just don't know And how do we relight the flame when it's cold Why do we dream when I thought mean nothing And when will we learn to control I need serenity [x2] ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________man..that song! i love it! well anywho, school was ok, i had like 3 tests. I hope i did ok. I studyed real fuckin hard. I walked to dairy queen after school n started to read somemore. Then julia n dad came, n dad droped me n julia off at burger king where i filled out an aplication. uhh but i dont member turning it in lol..uhh then i went home n called my baby..n looked all fuckin after noon for a place for him. Till now. Now i got to wait and hope for the best. I prayed. Boy Katie would be proud. lol well anywho, im bored as fuck and im waiting on my step mom to get here..tho im mad as fuck cuz she got smart with me on the fone but ya kno..what can ya do? today sumone told me maya did kandi..and im like WOAH buddy cuz a day or so ago she told me she only did sum lil pill called "k" i should have figured it out..K..KANDIE..but ya know. The point is she lied to me. Someone i thought i could trust. OH well right? Mom is ok..she hates me i think who knows. Dad is sweet his birthday is coming up. Two days. Julia is ok she's at a football game and rach is always sleeping at moms..anywho ima go so i can get all my fuckin shit together and crap. SIGHS..i hope things turn out ok..

poo
today was ok i guess i updated my other jounal..this one is gay that ones gay its all gay. i woke up around 6:30 n got n the shower..then got ready n went to school, where my arm was hit a good 5 times by rude assholes who dont have the balls to say sry. gym was gay mr lunjia wouldmt let meplay cuzz my arm which is ok i guess. lunch was fun, walked with amber. after school i went n saw courtney n amer, then robbie, sum dood n zack. fun fun, got in the car n julia drove me downtown for sum chicken then home. it was her first time!!! she was ok tho. um yea i need jt right now..now more then ever. im not sad or w.e jus stressed n he always makes me feel better..im worryed about him tho..mayb i shouldnt bother him with my problems? he as his own to worry about..i guess ill write them here on a non public entry. later

confused
i dont know weather to cry or scream! I seem to be fuckin everything up with Jt. I told him about Lane taken me home, that i didnt know him. Well i see him around and i eat with him at times but i dont know him. there were other people in the car! but he takes it as im going to fall or lane. cause he had a dream that started out like our conversation did. Maybe i should just give up. I mean its one thing after another. Right now i just need a little upper or anti-depressant. I hate these mood swings. One moment im fine, nothing is wrong, then not to long after im in tears on my bed holding stuff animals as if they could hold back. I dont know maybe im fucked up? Julia must be right. I'm a waste of a human. I dont help anyone, im not good at anything. Whats the use? yeah another poem..»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««Tear drops from a fallin angel. Wings from the heavens, lonely lover lost and misunderstood. Broken and lost with in me, fighting every chance i take, holding on whats ever in me, losen the sight of life. People wont you fuckin save me, save me from my fuckin self. I'm the only one stoping me, holding everything down. Maybe im just another weakling, with every reason to die. Or maybe im just not cut out for this. This game they call life.»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»«««««»»»»»««««« man im so confused. I think jt needs someone much better than me. Someone that will be good to him make him happy, thats something i lack. One after another i tell you..one after another :'(

i hate humans
i kno that sounds mean but its so true. There's only a few people i can trust in this world, Amber, Kc, Amelia, James, Amy, Amber Y, Jason, and MAYBE dusin. Beside's that there words mean nothing to me. Dont get me wrong i do love alot of other people but everyone else is so freakin fake. i mean god im really not going to tell someone something thats personal if i dont trust them. HOW CAN U BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE IF YOU MAKE -NO- EFFORT? answer that for me please. UGH i cant belive i told amber i missed her. whatever. ANYWHO lastnight i spent the night at ambers, we woke up around 6ish and we layed around till her mom came n yellin them we sat n talked for a little bit then we got ready. About 6:40ish we left for the bus. On the bus i sat with hillary (boones gf), infront was jessica, and behind me was amber. It was goodtimes. We got to school about 7:30 and we slowly made our ways threw the hall..more like a freakin traffic jam! lol uh made it to my locker (which i need to clean by the way) the rest of the day was ok. Around 5th per (gym) i went in got changed played volly ball with hillary, brent and sum other chicks. Then i played soccor bymyself for a lil bit. Then i went over n watch them play. UH soon after that i saw lane in the hallway n asked him for a ride home n sed yes which made me extra happy. Then lunch was goodtimes cuz me n amber yates ate all by ourselfs lol uh then 6th per was fun fun..cuz the teacher was really cool..well is really cool. 7th was bore bore, the car ride home was different. lol lane is funny as hell. It was him (driving) sum chick, brent hawk n his brother lance n me, good times. Got home to my dads took care of tha cat called jt to tell him i got in ok then left. Now i'm home at my moms where julia is bein an extra big asshole and mom is to busy that she's not really caren. I'm kinda mad but i think thats cause *someone* was right about annie. Which now i feel really bad cuz i got all over that *someone's* case cause they tryed tellin me shit n i didnt belive it which today makes it all more clear. Yeah tomm i deff. need to find a job i gotta pay for shit comin up n im runnin low on tha cash»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»here's a songish thing that fits my lovely mood »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»» walk alone I am alone I think alone I'll die alone Don't think I can make it on my own I think I need someone to SAVE ME! Such is life So sad but true Kill everything That's close to you Try to decide what not to do You know you cannot CONTROL ME! I don't see the point in Going any further Than we've gone already Can't keep my hands steady Sadness Everyday for me You can't Take that away from me All these fuckin thoughts inside my head Are almost more than I can take You push and pull on me Your gonna keep pushin Till I break You think you control me Have no chains to hold me Only thing that saves me Voices just might kill me Sadness Everyday for me You can't Take that away from me All these fuckin thoughts inside my head Are almost more than I can take You push and pull on me Your gonna keep pushin Till I break»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»ok ok ok im bored...yeah so ima go and think or something of the short..lol bye

WOO HOO
yep i went n saw s.w.a.t good movie i tell ya fun fun stuff!! i saw bunchs of people up there it was good times. i need to get jt a gift, well his *surprise* is on its way n i dont know about the cd. I'm thinkin bout gettin him a hoodie cuz he seemed to like mine lol but iuno if he would really like it, & i want to get him that comic book he told me about that is like 50 sumthin pages or watever and is supposly real good iuno i gotta ask him about it so i can buy it!! yep i'm talkin to missy omg she's so funny!! see.. »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»HoneyBee7673: super bi-polar, super co-dependant, atheist, emo mIdniGhtStaRluVr: eh.. mIdniGhtStaRluVr: im 3 of those! »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»» haha omg good times AW i feel so fuckin special now..no really i do lol i was reading missy's journal n it says "Brittany is my coolest new friend 'cause she understands me, plus, we both got whored! And we're gonna get even too! hehe :)" thats so fuckin sweet..well not the whored part tho its ever so true haha yeah just to let all you people who read this know...missy n i are guna be drool buckets soon so watch out ;-) wink wink;; haha woo hoo im cold. yeah i think i made jt mad cuz i was at the movies with out him..omg ima need to save ALOT of money up...cuz i kno my cell phone bill is guna be CRAZY this month..ima hate to see my moms face when she gets it..cuz were haven money problem's as it is..but i guess i take too much for granted right? NO SAD THOUGHTS DAMNIT! well im really sleepy..n i gotta get up tommorow and clean, and i gotta figure out if i want to spend the night at sumone's tho i rather b home n my bed..:(..iuno..goodnight/morning..

yeah wut a day
Today started off kinda slow. I woke up around 10:30, picked up my room a little bit, came out got online and stayed online LOL. I was suppose to do sumthin with jt, but that didnt work out. My other journals went stupid n didnt work right lol but here's the link to one of them, tha other one is WAY to personal for any of you all to see ;-) http://rainbowxox.diaryland.com/ k yea anywayz im forever bored and julia is making so much noise. She's on the fone with Kurt i guess. omg i love this poem..its like...omg..iuno how to explain it..i just relate to it bunchs..here it is»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»««(it wont let me indent»»»«««»»»»«««»»»»«««»»»»«««»»»»«««»»»»«««»»»»«««»»»»«««»»»»«««»»»»«««»»»»«««»"I look in the mirror and i long to see the happy little girl that lives inside of me i worry and i cry what seems like all the time if i do one thing wrong it feels like i've done a horrible crime I love, i hate my emotions run wild i never use to be like this -i miss being a child I look in the mirror and i dont see me i see the person I never wanted to be" unknown »»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»«««»»»««« isnt that just cute?? i mean really lol i love it Yeah anywho. Today is much better i guess..im mean hey im alive! lol Tomm. im spending the night at amelia's fun fun. yeah i feel so alone right now makes me want to go crazy and kill someone..someon like....inuo haha well this is it for now..fairwell.. current mood: lonely current music: Seether