bursting heart
These hot lead tears burn down my cheeks like the fire that once burned in my heart. I sit here on my bed, trying not to look. The walls and tables are all aligned with your smiling face and us together. I want to rip them apart, but I do not move. I close my eyes, trying not to think of what we had, how perfect it all was, and how you threw it away. But I suppose you aren’t the only one to blame. I suppose that I loved you too much and part of this pain is my fault. No sound comes from my mouth, not a peep or a whisper from these dry lips, burning red from my thumping heart. I’ve tried so many ways to get you back, to show you I care. It didn’t work, and I think that I knew it all along. Some silly girlish hope I had, that we could grasp onto what we once had. How foolish was I? I now see what is real.
You say that I lied to you; I admitted that, I felt remorse from that. But you hold a much greater crime. You lied to me about loving me. You love me no more than you love eating grapes. Or perhaps you love the grapes a little more. They don’t talk, they don’t express their feelings, they don’t love you back, they are only there for your enjoyment, for whenever you want them, and they don’t complain.
I’m sorry that this had to happen. It grieves me so much. You had the power to stop it. And you probably still do. But you are a stubborn son of a b*tch and you won’t. Which goes to prove my point – you don’t care like you said you did. If you truly cared about me, you would prevent this, you would call me, you wouldn’t ignore me and yell at me and treat me in a way that makes me want to kill myself for the things I’ve done. You say that I was wrong, that I made a mistake. Yes I did. My mistake was telling you and I was wrong to think that you could be what you said you were, a friend. If I am a friend, I am on the lowest level of friends there could be. After all, you make specific trips home for your real friends. When they have a problem and come to you, crying, terrified, you abort your plans for the evening and go and sit with them and talk to them calmly. Whereas with me you yell at me about it and question me like I am on trial for some atrocity. Then for no reason you just decide to not talk to me and leave me frightened, perplexed and concerned. How dare you call yourself a friend! How dare you say you care! What kind of a friend does that! Just leaves the other hanging by a thread? I shiver at the thought of you being so cruel. It freezes my veins and the breath in my lungs.
I am Tess and you are Angel. The sun shines on Angel like he is a God, but he is nothing more than a hypocritical man that wronged his wife and gave her so much pain that they could never be with each other. As soon as he realized hi mistake she was killed. I am Tess because I know of my love for you and I know how it outdoes yours. I would lay down my life for you. That’s the main difference between us; you have so many important things going on, college, radio, family, friends (not including me), working out, and a girl who wants nothing more than to be with you and to be loved by you. And I am last on that list. Whereas I have a list of important things too, school, college applications, dance, physical fitness, and a boy who I love, and you’re first on that list. I would drop anything whenever so I could be there when you need me. You have and would do that for all your other friends, and in the past you have done that for me, but you wouldn’t now. Can you comprehend how that feels? Can you understand the type of pain I feel? Or are you just sitting there in your dorm room reading over these words numbly, your eyes seeing these words but your mind and your heart feeling nothing, everything being perceived as blankness, everything empty. Though that thought tears me up inside, that you can’t even take time to read with an open mind and try and understand this situation, this situation that affects the rest of your life, but I know that it is not far from the truth.
And I know what you’re thinking, that I’m taking unfair shots at you, and maybe I am being a little mean, but unfair? I think not. If you want unfair step into my shoes. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to at least get out of yours. You’ve become too self absorbed in them and you cant see beyond the shoelaces.
If you want to know what I was going to say about Father and that whole thing, I was going to say something to the nature of you are that Holy creature to which I want to believe in, but you being him, I think that I could believe, (course now you have to make me cause I have much doubt) and I want you to make me pure once again. I want you to lay those bright hands of love on me and make all of this evil blackness go away. Something like that... but I was going to draw on the image that Father had painted of you. I never got around to that though since you didn’t talk to me for three days. And I wonder if I hadn’t started to go all hysterics if you would have ever bothered saying anything to me yesterday. I strongly disbelieve in you saying anything. And if you had, what would it have been? I’m sorry Kate; I needed to think about what you’ve done. Because it so strongly impacts my life, because you are my girlfriend and I think of you in that light and I care about you in that way. Hah! Highly doubtful. First off – you never actually say you’re sorry. Even when we were walking up your street over summer, I know that’s what you meant, but you never said it. You never said those words. And secondly you would never say the truth about your actions, that is, you reacting like I am your girlfriend, which you did. I knew you would be upset, but as a person who cares about me. That’s how I thought it would go. I never imagined you turning it around on me like that. Your actions are almost as bad as his were to me.
I loved you. And I still do. But I don’t want to. I want it to all go away. You and my love for you. All it brings is pain because you don’t feel the same and I don’t think you ever will. But I want you to know that I loved you, I cherished you, I would have done anything for you. And most importantly, I want you to know that you ruined everything for us. YOU did. So why don’t you go and ponder that thought as you’re running or lifting weights, or getting drunk with your buddies, or going to mass and being with all these fabulous people, think about what you did. And come to the realization that you are at fault, that you are no where near perfect and this is your fault. Go look in a mirror and see who you’re pointing the finger at.
You have the fate of both our worlds in your hands. I asked you to call me last night if you wanted me to talk to you ever again. You did not. So I will not make any remarks to you. But if you find that you want to break the seal and stop being so stubborn and come to terms with what is going on, then you can call me, or email me, or im me. Unlike you, I will respond. But until then, I apologize for trying to ruin my life. Because I will try. There is one thing that I won’t do though, because it belongs to you, because you are the only person I will ever love like this so you are the only one i want to have it, everything else I don’t care about anymore. You should know it by now, without you my life is a mess.
Email: grnfrggs7@aol.com
