A GATE IN TIME
Wow! My first attempt at a webpage. One of those things I never thought I'd do. But then I realized that it is really for the best when I think about it. Kind of like a livejournal only accessible by any yahoo....ah well, read on freaks!
March 13th 2003
Just started this page....
Was thinking about writing something deep and inspired but that all left me at Denny's....ah well there's always tomorrow.
Later that day...
Yeah this particular entry will probably be a three or four part entry....lots of work to get done....so little time. Always seems that way really. There's a storm brewing....I can feel it in the air. The wind is so warm as it blows against my face. Haven't felt like that since I left Edmonton. There is a certain kind of energy...like no other that just surrounds and fills me. I feel so alive.
March 14th 2003
Early Morning
The storm was there and gone.....leaving wake of destruction in its wake. Everything tossed aside like so much trash....well they are now...treasures forever taken from me....I survey the damage....I can barely look....these items are important to me...in ways that many will never know....I shake my head, turn out the light, and go to sleep....
March 15th 2003
Early Morning
Jack needs to have a story read to him...a story of which his life unfolds. In all its glorious essence. As I spiral along my path on the road to self-awareness....I stumble.....so many times.....so many knees have been skinned so many bandages used. Pick the scabs, leaving the scars and heal....
March 16th 2003
Early Morning
Why should I expect anything that I never have before? It's always been that I've never expected anything other than what you've given me. As well, neither do I want you to feel obligated to do anything. That would make me feel just as bad. Do as you feel. Although I expect this is what you will do and have already done. It matters not. So cold....I must be near you now. Mr. Frost. I grow cold.....oh so cold. Possibly tonight you will have that important dream.....hope you remember it. Arm is sore but the writing is flowing freely. Hopefully I'll be able to take advantage of this. The words that are coming out of me are almost not my own......I pull myself back into my reality. There you go, already to do your work stuff now....have fun! Yes, yes I will.
March 18th 2003
Early Morning
I thought that I'd come home and write something totally inspired and eerie then go to bed.....sadly after doing so much reading......it looks like I'll simply be going to bed
March 19th 2003
Mid Afternoon
Didn't think I'd make it today as far as logs go....but apparently voila! Here I am contemplating life again. I think I have to come to the point where I either give up on my dreams......or decide that I'm not going to let anything stop me from getting what I want....grab life by the nipples and give it a hard shake. After everything that's happened....I don't think that giving up is a thing that I'm capable of right now. I may be in a temporary stasis but watch out! It's only temporary and when I come out...........it will be fighting.
Evening
Well I guess this is what happens when I start writing earlier on in the day....I must write again later on in the night as well...My thoughts are spiraling. I can think of so many things. Each thought leading me in a different direction.....endless possibilities. Things that can and will be done. So many directions to go...no "right" path just different paths with different places to arrive at. Here's hoping I manage to pick one path and stay on it......
March 21st 2003
Early Morning
I missed yesterday by a few hours....so close yet so far.
Perceptions...it's all about perceptions tonight....and how people view us. I've been judged my whole life...to the point now where I no longer care what people think because no matter what I do someone out there somewhere does not like me. It's a fact of life. I'm not saying this because I feel sorry for myself or anything....I'm saying it because that's the way of the world. There are people out there who don't like you, and they don't like you for a number of different reasons. Some of which you can change (such as what bands you listen to) and some of which you cannot (skin colour, sex, ethnic origins) The important thing to remember is that if you can't change it or don't want to change it....why bother? You are you...intrinsic as the next person....as different or as similar as you want to be. I think more of us need to simply be who we are and to hell with everyone else. Spout forth your thoughts and say whatever you want to say...you have that right....many others aren't so blessed. Speak out about how you feel and say what you've been meaning to say all those years, days, hours, minutes, seconds....Speak them out now.
Because tomorrow may be too late.
March 22nd 2003
Late Morning
Looking on life and society....it sickens me. We live in a society where we lock up those who would take a life....oh wait! Except if they are in a war....then that's the whole point, and the more people you kill in that war the more of a hero you are. It's sick! Not to mention countries that refuse to enact a death penalty yet are only too happy to send people off to "punish the criminal" by attacking and killing the man. It should really be either one way or the other. Either you support death and allow people to kill as they will, or you condemn death of any sort. The contradiction is inane and also arcane. We have entered into a new millennium and yet we really haven't changed over the years.....
What happened to evolution?
March 23rd 2003
Early Morning
sitting alone...suddenly feeling oh so Zen. I am alone....and yet it's a peaceful alone. I can focus on my environment...myself...breathing...my blood pulsing through my veins.....my muscles contracting and relaxing....everything....I feel at one...my breathing slows....I turn and look....there she is....staring at me with those cold dark eyes...pierce the flesh...stab into the soul...
'WHAT DO YOU WANT?' ,I scream into the dark hallway.
'Nothing much', comes a raspy reply, 'Just your soul....perhaps even just your body'
'But why? Why me? Why do I have your attention?'
'You entertain me, you invite me in and then try to drive me away....I am not so easy to be rid of...I am not an old newspaper that you can simply read and then discard. We will always be together.......always....', the words linger even as the figure fades away.
We will always be together...inescapably so.
March 24th 2003
Early Morning
Does what I write on this site *have* to be poetic and enticing? Do I *have* to appear to agonize over every little thing that happens in my life? No...no I don't......but then who would read it? Who would want to read about a person who is perfect content and balanced who has never had a care in their whole life? You haven't heard about these people...why? Because they are like Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy....THEY DON"T EXIST!!!! Everyone has problems. Everyone has shit in their lives. The only difference is that some people talk about it and some people are too busy living it to actually talk about it......hey.....that means............aw crap......(author just discovering that they don't have a life after all)
March 26th 2003
Early Morning
Respect.....that's what it's all about. Respect. It creates the balance and enables or sabotages relationships. If someone does not respect you they will do whatever they want and they won't care. People who respect you will not hurt you out of that same respect. Not for the most part anyway. Accidents do happen. But lack of respect is something else entirely.
Trust...easily initiated....easy to lose....impossible to restore to its original condition....once trust is broken.....it can't ever be the way it once was....boundaries are placed where people fail. Never the same.
Love....an equal sharing of emotions, thoughts and feelings. Enjoying each other's company. Enjoying the exploration of each other on different levels depending on the nature of the relationship. I'm too sick to write anymore....I just hope these made sense and that I'll remember them in the morning....
March 27th 2003
Early Morning
Not a long post but an equally important one all the same. Shall the rant take place? Shall the poetic muses take place? One is not sure. However one knows that something of interest will be posted up on this cyberspace bulletin board so that random passers by can point and laugh.
Can one truly feel alone in a room full of people? People can feel lonely at anytime they wish. They can even be with their best friend and no one else and still feel lonely. It's truly tragic. The possibilities of loneliness are almost endless. If you want to be lonely...you can make it so. Thereby entering your own world of misery and despair. I wonder if there is ever truly a time in anyone's life when they have full just cause to feel lonely...aside from that poor schlep who got stuck alone on that desert island....(hell even he had Wilson).That's it! I think what it is, is that everyone has to find their own Wilson to get through life. Something they can focus on to get through times when they may be feeling lonely....Yes my advice to all you lonely people out there is to find your Wilson. (that and to make sure your name isn't Eleanor Rigby...that just ends terribly)
March 28th 2003
Early Morning
I'm supposed to be in bed sleeping right now...I promised....I can't sleep. My mind flutters over so many things....so many people....so many lists of things to do....things I haven't done...the world grows tighter and tighter....like a noose around my neck.....I feel it tightening....barely room to breathe....need to stop.....need to rest.....need to breathe...There.....I am free.......good night to all and to all a good night......
April 1st 2003
Early Morning
Ah yes...it's been a few days...no time for bad little boys and girls to fill their heads with rubbish spewed forth by nameless would-be dictators and want-to-be 'Spiritual Leaders'.....gone are those days for now we must look to the more mundane....but not first without saying a greeting to the new year and good tidings that it will hopefully bring...Blessed Be....
April 3rd 2003
Early Evening
Another day another face....each strangled with pain...each pain different yet stemming from the same source....silly mortals still tampering with the thought of immortality...of their own self worth....that they are the centre of their universe. It's the easiest way to believe it actually. Sure that's the only way for people to comprehend or even to begin to comprehend their role in the universe. I am the centre and everything else falls into place around me. The sun rises and sets on my command....if only it was that easy....if only life were that easy.
April 4th 2003
Early Morning
The night is near its end....time to greet a new day. Some looking forward to it.....some dreading what will come. The end of dark the beginning of light. To all things a time must come. And change lurks on the horizon. Good or ill things change...progress is made...Life continues casting aside what was past and treading everyone trying to catch up with the future...whatever it maybe.
April 5th 2003
Early Morning
trite words cast down on a page....trying to make everything run together sounding as ethereal and smarmy as possible...why is that? Why is it considered poetic wisdom when someone strings a few barely cohesive sentences together? What happened to the grand alliterations of yore? Times when words were carefully chosen so as to not offend or to appear that one was speaking below his rank. Times when what was said was directly what was meant...for the most part anyway...there were very few metaphors or parallels with life. Words meant exactly what they said....nothing more....nothing less....just words
April 6th 2003
Early Morning
muddling through...struggling to hold on....tripping on the light fantastic....falling flat on my ass....yeah that's about it...heh heh heh....I look at holding on to sanity and then asking myself....is it worth it? We like to think so.
"I'm going to take a walk where it's cold and dark....I've got a lot to think about..."
April 7th 2003
Evening
meeting more of myself....turning and talking to them....they say all sorts of things in return....critical, savage mean-spirited and downright hostile....ought to be locked back up where they belong...wound up tight along with all the other secret thoughts and feelings....the big ball of string....just waiting to be untangled....more knots! more tangles! WHAT A WEB!!!...but wait!....I never deceived......
April 9th 2003
Early Morning
I want to shut myself off and declare myself an island....I will live off coconuts and bamboo...maybe wire myself up a cool ham radio made of coconuts and other native plants....of course then my mind gets to thinking of how I am a rock.....I am an island....and rock doesn't move.....and an island never cries........
April 10th 2003
Early Morning
I'm loving how a jumble of thoughts decide that they are going to come out of my head and make their way onto the internet....poor head....worse still.....poor Internet....well actually, the Internet can be an evil, evil place. So screw the Internet! Let my insane ramblings continue! "I'm gonna ramble on, sing my song..."
April 13th 2003
Early Morning
The Queen holds her sword as she surveys her kingdom....A knight with his wand stands near her giving her solace...While the High Priestess tells her all that she sees...."behind you there is a woman, holding two swords"
Right before her dances a juggler. The queen thinks about how she is struggling with the weight of the world on her shoulders fearing that the Devil is at her back, while the juggler sees the tower burning off at a distance...hoping that the queen will make it out okay. But ultimately the Queen awaits the knight of Pentacles who will give her the stability she needs.
April 13th 2003
Evening
As evening swirls into the abyss...along with all the other nights that ever were....I stand gazing into the mists of forever wondering what lies in wait for me......employment? romance? fame? fortune? education? The mist becomes darker and darker until it is impenetrable....locking away things I wasn't meant to know and maybe will never learn. I turn away only to come colliding with reality....I feel it wash over me pulling me back to its rigid form....now I must march along behind...while destiny and reality drag me kicking and screaming into the here and now....
April 15th 2003
Evening
"I can gather all the news I need on the weather report...."
I am taking a walk....it has to be in my mind because I can't go for a walk for real...(silly real life)
I walk down the street...it's late at and there's that distinct smell that's unmistakably evening air....it's intoxicating and pushes me onward on my unmarked path
"I know that you're ready to fly"
I look up at the sky....it is a full moon....I soak up it's energy and continue on my march...not knowing where I'm going or where I'm going to end up...
"Let your honesty shine shine shine now....like it shines on me.....the only living boy in New York"
I shake out of my trance and look around at where I am...I'm standing in front of the lake. I look out over the water and smile. (Lyrics by Simon and Garfunkel)
April 18th 2003
Evening
Lyrics the same always bombarding my thoughts causing me to remember....to feel to care.....what once was....what was going to be....... what would never happen again.....not if I could help it......happy memories......sad, painful memories.....all rewound and played back for me....over and over again.....time to pull the cassette out of the tape deck....or simply press record
April 19th 2003
Evening
strangely distracted this evening...can't seem to put ideas together into a cohesive chain of thought...maybe that won't be necessary....maybe my random musings will be connected enough to form some sort of intricate weaving that can almost be considered prose......nah!
April 20th 2003
Evening
I feel a part of me dying.....and yet at the same time another part of me is born...growing....evolving...getting stronger....better even.....the world is mine....and I wiill shape it in my own image......poor world (maniacal laughter)
April 21th 2003
Early Morning
learned an object lesson...sometimes being coy and guarded is not always the best thing in the world. Sometimes it is a big stumbling block....that and body language gives away so many things......I suppose when words and body language say two totally different things, I guess it's inner conflict....wait, me? inner conflict? NEVER! my subconscious betraying me? probably....stupid subconsciousness......
April 26th 2003
Early Morning
Whee! early morning ramblings before bed.....sigh...such is the way with my life now. Nothing left but the strings that bind...strings attached? Sure! Strings pulling me this way and that....just so long as I'm the one pulling them...I'm fine......but am I? Or is destiny merely lulling me into a false sense of security? hmmm.....I think I'm going to sleep on that.
May 22nd 2003
Early Morning
Now the wackiness can resume. I Now have another sucker...I mean site that will host my inane 1am rants. Heh heh heh heh....poor bastards never knew what hit'em. my only concern is....am I out of rants? Am I so content with my life now that I will be unable to make stupid comments on what's wrong with my life? NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Later maggots!
May 25th 2003
Evening
Words cannot, will not be said. They were said once before. They still stand...but now they wait for a reply....
May 28th 2003
Early Morning If your life is what you make of it...my life will probably be a comic book then.....Of course I wonder what super hero I'd be.....Another post...another time
May 29th 2003
Early Morning [mood music | Fated, Matthew Good Band]
I've finally hit it. I have achieved it. The last tendril of fate. I realise right now....at this second that no matter what happens I will go on. Short of life taking it's toll on me or some other sort of unconcievable act, I will go on. It's wierd, right now I should be a wreck...worrying about everything in my life.....but I'm not. I will simply do what I can with what I have. I can take comfort in myself. I can take comfort in my strength. After a long long search.........I found it.
June 2nd 2003
EveningYou know, just when you think things can't get any crazier....You know right now it feels like I'm speaking Swahili while everyone else in the room is speaking Arabic...This is insane.....but then again I'm beginning to wonder.....am I?
I doubt it. I doubt myself. I doubt my memories. I doubt my talents.....no wait. I don't doubt them. Not my artistic ones.
I was told that I am seen to be manipulative. The next great evil? Looming over the horizon.....lurking, waiting for the kill? No. I am the prey.
My mind constantly shifts over a million topics at once...going from what I am going to make for dinner tomorrow night to the meaning of life to what I am wearing to watching t.v. and so on...as my thoughts shift....so do my perceptions....to the point where except on certain topics....are my views ever the same? Or do they change with the flow of things? I don't know....I can't even trust my memory anymore....haven't been able to for a long time now. Swiss cheese could take lessons from my memory.
This is the way of the Beth right now.....confused and confusing....the only balance I have.
June 2nd 2003
Evening It never ceases to amaze me how one little event can shape the rest of your life. An offhand comment. A stolen glance. Something so small.....yet so significant. Although only as significant as you make it out to be I suppose. As per usual, it all boils down to perceptions. It's a matter of when to make a mountain and when to leave it a simple mole hill. Now if I can remember my own advice I'd be smokin'!
June 8th 2003
Evening Tired....
tired for a good reason. For a positive reason. One step.
One step in a long journey that will lead to a happier wholer, better me.
One step.......step forward.......
No turning back.........
June 10th 2003
Evening It's funny....no one really realises how much they need to appreciate the people they are with. You see these people everyday and eventually.....you assume that they are simply always going to be there. You continue on living your life, taking them forgranted. It's not until it's too late that you realise they are gone......never to come back.
June 12th 2003
Evening Just about started off this log the same as the last one.....
I guess I find a lot of things funny......
No......
No I don't.....
If I did I'd be laughing all the time.....
I'd be a much cheerier person. But that's neither here nor there.
I just got led down a very interesting path of life...
It led me to a place I don't think I could have gotten to any other way.....
Strange way to get there.....
And a terrible journey....
But I got there...
Sadly I think bits of my soul got left behind along the way.....
You know....
I wonder if that's the real way people die....
I mean you're born....
Full of life and you got a full soul....
Then as you grow upbits of your soul are torn away....
Until you grow old and you have so very little left that you can no longer hang on to your mortal coil and....
Off to the great ever after.....
It's a thought anyway.
June 18th 2003
Afternoon I don't spend nearly enough time writing on this webpage.
I realised that today.....
You know, life can be seen in so many different ways...
I mean you can view life through eyes of neverending torment...
Or you can view it as a neverending challenge...
Or you can view it as a series of neverending tests and if you fail the last one.....
You fail at life...meaning you're doomed to repeat life over and over until you finally pass all the tests and can go on....
If that stands to reason then a whole shit load of people fucked up somewhere along the line....and more and more of them continue to fuck up 'cause our population keeps on getting bigger and bigger.....
I believe that life has ups and downs....
The ups were put there so you can better appreciate them when you hit the downs....
At least that's how it was explained to me....
I think that's right.
In some ways I envy the shallow people of this world....
They don't have to deal with ethical and moral dilemmas, nor are they ever confronted with their own mortaliy.
They simply exist from day to day in their happy little world and they like it because it's all they've ever known.
But then again I also realise that they are missing out on a great deal of life too, so at the same time I feel so sad for them.
They aren't feeling life. They aren't experiencing all of life. Just their precious little fragment.Boggles my mind really....
June 20th 2003
Afternoon Oh my God! it's attack of the quizzes!!!
The Lost Soul
What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Kitty Goth
What Kind of Goth Are You?
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YOU EAT PEOPLE!!!
what's YOUR deepest secret?
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June 23rd 2003
Everning So I finally got my stupid Diaryland Journal up and running. Man I'm going to be looking forward to having an LJ. DOn't know who I'm going to allow to see it though. I've seen too much crap go on with people and their LJs At this point I'm going to take a big bow and be proud that I am not talking aboutother things that are going on....In fact....I'm not going to do that at all....it's nice this journal is for the most part...untouched by the taint that is life....I include illusionary perceptions and detached notions and simple emotions.....without the actual situations. Neatly dissected fo everyone to see. RIP TEAR REND....there...all done.................................................................................................................and so am I.
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