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You Know You're from New Jersey When...


...you recognize or can relate to at least 10 of these:
*You've been seriously injured at Action Park.
*You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York (usually The Bronx) or Texas.
*You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges."
*You know that it's called "Great Adventure," not "Six Flags."
*You've ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast.
*You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
*You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am.
*Whenever you park, there's a Camaro within three spots of you.
*You remember that the "Two Guys" were from Harrison.
*You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.
*At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from.
*You know what a "jug handle" is.
*You know that a WaWa is a convenience store.
*You know that the state isn't all farmland.
*You know that there are no "beaches" in new Jersey - there's "The Shore," and you know that the road to the shore is "The Parkway" not "The Garden State Highway."
*You know that "Piney" isn't referring to a tree.
*Even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs, and, you call it a "sub" not a "submarine sandwich" or worse yet, a "hoagy" or a "hero."
*You remember the song from the Palisades Park commercials.
*You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.
*You knew that the last question had to do with driving.
*You know that "Acme" is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros creation.
*You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try ...Mexico, ...York, ...Hampshire (doesn't work, does it?).
*You know how to translate this conversation: "Jeet yet?" "No, Jew?"
*You only go to New York City for day trips, and you only call it "The City."
*You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.
*You consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege.
*In the 80's you wore your hair REALLY high.
*You don't think "What exit" (do you live near?) is very funny.
*You know that the real first "strip shopping center" in the country is Route 22.
*You know that people from 609 area code are "a little different."
*You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton - that's for out-of-staters.
*The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.
*You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
*You can see the Manhattan skyline from some part of your town.
*You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
*Every year, you had at least one kid in your class named Tony.
*You know where every "clip" shown in the Sopranos opening credits is.
*You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook Mall.
*You've eaten a Boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries.
*You have a favorite Atlantic City casino.
*You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
And finally...
****You've never pumped your own gas.****




Women's Training Courses

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

~Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
~The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
~Parties: Going Without New Outfits
~Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
~Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
~Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
~Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
~Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
~Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
~Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
~Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
~Introduction to Parking
~Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
~Water Retention: Fact or Fat
~Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
~Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
~Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
~Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
~PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
~Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
~Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
~Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
~Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
~Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
~TV Remotes: For Men Only



FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxitive on the same night.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, it's full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic backround, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

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