Quotes of Delicious Randomness
If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.
Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.
I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seeds, tasted delicious, and would scream when you ate it.
The king threw back his head and laughed. He enjoyed a good laugh, and so did his wife, the queen. When she saw the king laughing she let out a big laugh too. In fact, she laughed so hard she broke her throne. This made them both laugh harder.
Then they got serious when they remembered they had the plague. "The plague," said the king, but the way he said it made them both burst out laughing again.
In the first castles, I bet a common mistake was putting the torture room next to the master bedroom. Boy, you're just not going to get the good sleep that way.
When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
Later, they were tied to the bumper of a car and dragged around the block, as onlookers shrieked with delight. But one old man, who had a banjo, just shook his head and walked away. The crowd noticed this and set him on fire.
When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well, no wonder you're a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.
One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.
People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on our block. But I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said he wasn't the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. "No, you stupid idiot," I said, "that's my house."
You might think that the favorite plant of the porcupine is the cactus, but it's thinking like that that has almost ruined this country.
Normally I'm not one to believe in little green men from Mars. But one night, as I was driving home from a party, I caught something in my headlights I still can't explain. It had weird, catlike eyes and only stood about a foot tall. It was covered with grayish fur, and walked on all fours, like a cat. It had a tail, which if I had to describe in terms of something here on Earth was, in a way, like a cat's. Also, it was carrying a ray gun in its mouth. It was either a ray gun or a mouse.
I wouldn't mind if animals ate my body, after I'm dead. And before I'm dead, they could lick me.
When you're dying, a funny gag would be to act like you see an angel, then pretend like you're having sex with it.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!!
