8.10.03
ugh, someone just kill me now. break my arm and beat me with it. i feel like shit...no worse than that. and today would have been a grewat day if i didn't feel like crap all day long. i had class early this morning and i came home and took a nap. then when i woke up my dad took me the the office and we stayed there for like 6 hours (i'm totally dead serious) just playing fooseball and darts. and we listened to music, and good music to boot. a little sabbath and ac/dc and metalica. we mixed it up with chumbawumba ("tubthumping" is my sister's song for her world series year), muddy waters, and some other things (uncle kracker, evanessence, unwritten law, and semisonic to name a few). that was so much fun. i spent 6 hours at a bar just to go home and have to go to another bar for 2 hours with the rest of my family. that wasn't as much fun cuz i was SSSOOO tired and i made my brother and his HOT friend take me home. i came home and took another nap. then i woke up and here i am.

i haven't "updated" this thing because i haven't been home much. monday i was with my friends marie and christine all day and all night (i spent the night at marie's). oh man, that was so much fun. i was up for like 24 hours and got about 3 hours of sleep. i was wired for tuesday though too. between the three of us we went through 12 cans of coke (and one hawiian punch) and 16 fruit by the foots. that's a lot of freaking sugar. i'm not so wired anymore....i had fun though. but guess what last night was! just guess.

yes that's right, game night. we had a home game against elk grove. we lost the first game, but crushed them the second game. i played about 5 innings of left field and exactly 2 innings i caught. of course he took me out right after i spoke word to him. he fucking chucked my bat into a fense and i asked him not to throw it again. "could you please not throw my bat. it's a;ready old and i don't want it to get broken." i told him the deal, but it came off as lippy?? what the fuck!?!?!? he licks mad man balls.

i would really like to meet dan and apoligize straight up, but obviously, that's not gonna happen, so i have to keep working with it just online....

i had class again today. got a 95% on my first exam. i have to build a website for my second exam. sounds good. i'm looking forward to it...anyway, i'm so tired so i'm gonna go. peace!

8.3.03
yeesh, i still hate softball. today we had to be at the feild at 8 o' clock. that would imply a 9:30 game start right?? yeah, it does. so that's what we did. and that's all we did. game started at 9:30 and we were done for the tournament by 11. fucking shit for brains coach. on elimination sunday, you don't plan ahead. you play your number one pitcher...and our number one pitcher is strong enough to go 2 games back to back. but coach is idiotic and starts our number two pitcher. which wouldn't be so bad if he didn't pull her after 3 innings and put in our number three pitcher. number two mallory was pitching fine. the other team just hit the ball. still that's ok, but the goddamn infield can't make a play so that loads the bases with no one out. that's not fair to either pitcher. what an asshole. and then, along with that he starts our third string catcher. the first 5 balls pitched go right by her. then 2 innings later puts in our number one catcher. she wasn't on today either. all the while i'm sitting there on the bench chewing a hole in my lip trying to keep from lashing out on him once again. that's probably why i didn't play until the last 2 innings when the current catcher was sucking so bad that she had to be taken out. the dude says i have an attitude problem, which i know i do, but can't help when he says and does the asinine things he does. asshole can do no wrong and when he does he'll lie through his fucking teeth to cover it up. he just sits there and pulls shit out of his ass. the high point of today was when one coach got ejected. i laughed...he got pissed. probably another reason why i sat. wow, i do have an attitude problem. damn, i didn't know it was that bad. so what, who cares?? i sure as hell don't. when he says something that makes fucking sense, i'll listen, but til then i'm gonna tell him straight up when he's wrong. he's such a hypocrite. yesterday we had two games and lost the second one. after the game he thought that we'd won it. and this is after he just got done telling us we need to be more focused on saoftball in the dugout. no more sprinkler or mowing the lawn or slicing the bread dances. those are out. well, then, john, what were you doing when you thought we won. what the hell game were you watching. he makes me angry.

i had a dream last night that my friend greg (gerg!) was smoking and me and him and some other people were using his lighter to try and burn down the paramount. weird...he doesn't smoke.

that reminds me of today when i saw some house out at moosehart on fire (very close to my coach's house, but not close enough. no, i'm kidding, i don't wish that sort of tragedy on anyone). it was only a practice like thing for the firefighters though so it was funny looking at all the people who pulled over to watch...hahahah it still makes me laugh or stupid they all looked.

you know, i was thinking today (go figure....that's something i do a lot now that i ride the bench so much), i'm still very angry at my literature teacher from last year. i lent her a book of mine and she never gave it back. that pisses me off. it was a good book too. easy read. it was called teen angst? naaah... by ned vizzini i think. iliked that book. fuck her. anyway, i think i'm done for today. there's a tone more i could say, but i just don't feel like typing it out. i have it allllll up here .:taps forehead:. maybe some other day....until the day comes, i'll see ya later. same bad time, same bad place. peace!

7.22.03
i hate softball. i hate it so much. you have no idea. death to "saint anger" and all things bad. that would include me (yay i'm dead!), my coaches, and softball. i hate my coaches too. if i hear "throw it to her. don't make the pitcher work any harder than she has to" i'm gonna fucking explode. i actually bitched about it. i just told him to tell his pitcher then "to stop throwing shit in the fucking dirt". (yes, my own words) well, needless to say, i didn't play the next game (i only batted since we bat around in this tournament). but, i will have you know that the game i did play, we won...(but not the game i didn't play, heh) have i mentioned that i hate softball?? cuz i do. man though, my coach sucks. he has no clue whatsoever. he has the batting order ass backwards and thinks a couple of girls on our team should be slappers. you see, that would be all fine and dandy if they all didn't carry 2 refirgerators and a piano on their back when they ran (an analogy very often used to describe me). he's just a fucking idiot. his kids are fucking obnoxious. the one boy is so spoiled and chills out in the dugout just smacking every player in there. we've been known to hit him back....several times. i hate him, he must die also. i still hate softball. it makes me tired. yesterday we had an 8 o'clock game in bloomingdale (see below) and today we had a 10 o' clock game in bloomingdale. for people like myself who need much sleep, this sucks. i didn't get home last night untill after 11 and i had to be up by 7:30 this morning. coach wants us all there and hour and a half prior to game time, but he always, without fail, shows up 45 minutes late. but anytime we show up after warm ups have started we need to run five extra long laps. this whole softball thing to the rest of my team is pointless. they all spend like 5 minutes warming up there arm. that doesn't work. a lot of us have tendonitis (sp??) so throwing from 15 feet apart for five minutes doesn't do a thing to help. i'm always throwing with my sister for 20 minutes more while i listen to my coach bitch to me that i have to go bat and stop throwing. that is if my sister's even there. if she's not then i do nothing and play with a sore arm...when i play. apparently i suck to him. yet, i do recall being the only person garunteed a spot on this team (sorry, that sounded really arrogant, but it's totally the truth)....hmmmm, interesting. not even all the little wasco girls he dragged along with him got a spot on this team. and the few picks he did get to make were really bad. (which would account for the suckiness of this team) he only got to pick cuz he begged and the only reason why he begged was so the one wasco girl to make it wouldn't be alone. HE DIDN'T EVEN COACH A REAL TRAVELING TEAM LAST YEAR!!! he picked all his favorite fucking in-house league girls for this team. (another reason why we suck. we have all these dumbfounded city leaguers) ok, i know one girl on our team who's good and played city ball last year (she actually played on a small traveling team, too). ugh, bitterness. this year is just made to piss me off. my coach fucking tells me to scoot back in the batter's box on a girl that barely pitches 40. he's a tool. this season's a joke. i'm NOT playing for him next year. i'd rather play for the asshole for a coach i had last year than this moron. at least that asshole knew what he was talking about, seeing as he was one of the best players on the american softball team that won/went to several championships. the only other guy that i know who knows more than my old coach was robin, a hitting coach of mine. who played alongside my old coach. robin was also my sister's coach for a few years. my sister was the shit when she played. until college, every team she played on she was one of the absolute best. and the only reason she stopped playing college was because she played for a guy who was SERIOUSLY mental. for real. one year he had to go to anger management to be allowed to coach again. but he still yelled and threw bats at players. my coach isn't that bad. although he does really piss me off when he argues over shit. it's like "hello, the ump called her out. nothing you can do. he called it and you're not gonna change his mind." .:shudder:. i hate that....i hate it when coaches argue about stupid stuff. only say something, maybe, when it's a blatantly bad call. .:another shudder:. dickwads. moving on.

wow, i'm stupid.

there's this guy, dan, who's really really really nice and really really funny (at least to me) and i totally fucked him up. he's 22 and i told him i was older than i am. well, i knew he'd find out sooner or later if i didn't just stop talking to him, so that was my plan. i was gonna slowly, but surely just cut him off. um, things didn't quite have time to pan out. i was talking to him on the phone in front of my friend's little tattle-tale sister and she decided that she'd tell her mom about it. i didn't think it would be as bad as it was. her mom was pretty displeased. probably because she was molested as a child and now thinks everyone who's a stranger is also a molester. but whatever. she told this dan guy that if ever talked to us again she'd do something (that i don't know what it is, cuz she didn't tell me). it must be something bad because this dan guy has me blocked on my other screenname. fuck that man, i don't care. i'll just have to say i'm sorry on this name then, huh?? what really sucked about the situation is that dan thought that i was older and was sorta kinda trying to ask me out (which is even still a little gross in itself). i was running out of lies so i told i was close to having a boyfriend...which wasn't entirely wrong, it's just that it was an excuse to get him to lay off (which still proved futile at times....hmph, weird) but i felt really really really bad for the guy after he got "the talkin' to" by friend's mom cuz i think he may have liked me a tiny bit....and even grosser i liked him...that's what hurt so bad. i wish that he wasn't so old. me and my friend would just sit and wish that he wasn't old so we could befriend him. uhg, i just wish that i would have told him the truth about my age in the beginning. and the only reason i didn't was because it was sorta late and i was bored so i thought i'd mess with him a little. i didn't honestly think i'd keep talking to him. i didn't think things were gonne be the way they were. ah! i feel so bad. i was a nervous wreck when i found out my friend's mom talked to him.i was crying so bad (because of ^see above^ i kinda liked him...that's still gross to me). i felt so bad that he had to find out the way he did. upsetting. i have to stop talking about it. i know i'm gonna be crying when i tell him i'm sorry just cuz i'm sick like that.

i've found myself listening to sugarcult's "start static" cd a lot lately. this is very bad. don't get me wrong, sugarcult is great. i like them fine, it's just that most of the songs on this album are more than a little angsty. which again would be fine. that is if i and the only other person i know who listens to it weren't "recovering." could you call this a relapse?? didn't think so....but you never know because i just out of nowhere yesterday on the bench got the urge to cut again. i started to cry. i just remember sitting there rocking back and forth saying to myself "fuck you z (the person who REALLY helped me along in rough days long ago). and fuck the antidepressants." over and over again. and that wasn't the only time it's happened. this was just the worst. and it sisn't start up again until right after the whole dan thing. so i'm thinking that that could be what triggered everything. made the horns and bells go off that i hadn't hated myself in a while. in fact i know that that's what it is. i reread the conversations that i had while i was talking to him and i was WAY happy. maybe it was him. he made me happy (still gross) .:shudder:. i was never really this open about my problem so this can't get as bad as it was....sigh. it'll get better.