11-05-01 8:07 AM
I am not very good at maintaining habits but hopefully I can stick to this one. As you may not know, I am at a pivotal point in my life. Only 13 days ago, I was 18-considered, by most, to still be a child. But now I'm 19, that age dangerously resting on the boundry of childhood and adulthood. It isn't like I am a normal "young adult" anyways. I mean, in over a month and a half from now, I will be celebrating my one year WEDDING anniversary. Hey, at least I am going to college-even though it is 1500 miles away from home, all courtesy of the USAF. It is really strange, thinking back, when I was younger, I vowed to myself that i would never go into or marry someone in the military. But here I am, in New Mexico-the most boring state ever-all for the love of one man-Tommy-my husband. However, it isn't like he's normal at all! If you meet him somewhere and didn't know about his "job", you would never know that he was in the military-except maybe his haircut. Tommy is your everyday crazy-ass, skater/surfer, -riding carts through Wal-mart-, -yelling at people out the window-, 19 year old. But that gets so annoying sometimes; I don't know if it is just me but sometimes Tommy just crosses the line into insensitivity. Like he talks, loudly, about total strangers without even considering the fact that they might hear him. Also, sometimes, it feels like he doesn't truly listen to me and appreciate me and when I get so fed up and demand to be heard (usually over something small), he says I am being a B&*&h or being overdramatic. And he used to, not as much now, guilt trip me or basically trick me into giving him what he wants--be it sex, food, etc. Like, we would be fooling around and he would want to make love but I wouldn't. So he would keep begging me, "maybe just to let him put it in once" and I would give in. Then he wouldn't want to stop, guilt trip me, and I would just let him "finish". You will never know how bad and sick that made me feel-like a whore. I thought about killing or at least hurting myself so I could have time to maybe find out why everyone thinks sex is so wonderful. I have come a long way and I like sex but I don't think I will every like it enough in Tommy's eyes.