Monopoly

by Jared Lui, Special Guest Columnist

Sitting in the youth lounge the other day with several equally bored college students with a mere three hours until kickoff for the Patriot’s first playoff game, I made the suggestion that we should all play a board (or should I say “bored”) game in the meanwhile. After a long discussion, which sadly included the rejection of the Game of Life, which was my suggestion, we all decided to play the Boston Edition of Monopoly, the Abraham of all Parker Brothers board games. However, since managing make-believe real estate while simultaneously organizing several pieces of colored paper is one of my biggest pet peeves, I decided to sit the game out. Not playing didn’t stop me from watching from the sidelines and of course, it inevitably gave me some ideas for other new editions of Monopoly.

Communist Edition

Everyone starts with the same amount of money and all real estate would be worth the same price. Aesthetically, the board would look pretty bland as all the places would be red, which would essentially confuse the crap out of all players because no one would know who has a monopoly. Fortunately, there is no such thing as a monopoly in this edition.

Great Depression Edition

Apparently, this edition has already come out and was renamed Monopoly Jr. They made Boardwalk worth 5 dollars which apparently shows that kids cannot do mathematic operations involving numbers greater than 5.

Microsoft Edition

One player gets to start off as “Billy Gates” and starts out with the entire bank instead of the customary $1500. As the game progresses, this one player quickly bankrupts the competition leading to a complete monopoly. Occasionally, the dice doesn’t roll due to bugs.

Circular Edition

It’s practical the same as the original except the board would be circular instead of squarical (yes, shut up, I know that’s not a word). From an economic standpoint, this edition would save more money for Parker Brothers than Geico could ever dream of. A circular board simultaneously maximizes surface area and minimizes the use of materials. Most importantly this new version would significantly lower the risk of being poked in the eye by the corner of a board, which has been one of the leading killers of board game players every year.

Jail Edition

I think the Shawshank Redemption inspired me with this idea. (Let’s be honest, that movie was so inspirational.) Instead of buying property, players buy weak prisoners. Cigarettes act as the main piece of currency. Lastly, when a player lands on the Go to Jail space, they just move to Go and collect 200 cigarettes.

Wyoming Edition

There would be eight finely-crafted playable pieces that represent all eight people currently living in Wyoming. However, most of the spaces on the board would be blank since there’s nothing there.

Millionaire Edition

The board would be made of 24 karat gold as would all the pieces. All sets would include a full bank of real cash and three-story Victorian houses crafted by Stuart Little himself. I suppose the only downside to this prestigious board would be the million dollar price tag.

Amish Edition

The Electric Company would be replaced by the Candle factory. The car would be replaced by a horse and buggy. This would definitely appeal to kids who want to work in the candle factory when they grow up.

British (or Hong Kong) Edition

All the same rules apply except you move counter-clockwise instead of the normal clockwise. The only thing you really need to change on the board is the direction of the Go finger and New York Avenue should become York Avenue.

Press Your Luck Edition

This game would contain the ultimate equalizer for monopoly players of all skills. There’s nothing better than watching a player who owns hotels on all his monopolies roll into a Whammy square and lose everything. (For those not familiar, Press Your Luck was a game show from the early 90s which pressing a button at the right time would determine victory or a Whammy, a loss of all money won))

Now that I’ve proposed all my different editions of Monopoly, what have we learned? We’ve learned that we should have played the Game of Life that Sunday instead of Monopoly, so I wouldn’t have to spend so much time coming up with all these alternate editions of Monopoly.