Jayhawk Jokes

Q. Did you hear about the big power outage at the KU student Union?

A. Forty Jayhawks were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

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Q. What's the difference between a litter of puppies and KU fans?

A. Puppies eventually grow up and stop whinning!

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Q. How do you keep Jayhawks out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal-post!

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Q. Why is "The Wave" outlawed at Allen Feildhouse?

A. Two Jayhawks drowned last year.

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Q. Did you hear that Roy Williams is only dressing six players for the game against Missouri?

A. The rest will dress themselves.

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Q. How do you get a KU graduate off your porch?

A. Pay him for the pizza.

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Q. How do you run a small buisness?

A. Start with a large one and put a KU graduate in charge!

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Q. Did you hear that the Jayhawks decided to cover Allen Feildhouse court in newsprint for next season?

A. The team always looks better on paper.

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A man was walking in the woods when he came upon a river. On the other side, there was a man wearing a KU hat. The man yelled to the KU fan, "How do you get to the other side of the river?" The KU fan responded, "You moron, you're already on the other side!"

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Q. What are the best four years of a Jayhawker's life?

A. The third grade.

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Q. What do you get if you cross a groundhog with a Kansas football player?

A. Six more years of bad football.

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Q.What do you get if you drive by the KU campus real slow?

A. A degree.

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Q. Why do KU graduates hang their deplomas on their rearview mirrors?

A. So they can park in the handicapped spot.

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Q. Why doesn't KU have ice on the sidelines?

A. The guy with the recipie graduated.

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Q. What does the average KU player get on their SATs?

A. Drool.

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KU has decided to change the football's mascot to the opposum scince they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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Q. Why don't KU grads use 911 in an emergancy?

A. Because they can't find the "eleven" on the phone dial.

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Q. Why was KU late for so many games last year?

A. Everytime they passed a sign that said "Clean Restrooms" they did.

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Q. Why did they have to cancel the Christmas play at KU last year?

A. They couldn't find three wise men.

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Q. How do you keep a KU girl from biting her nails?

A. Make her wear shoes.

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Q. How do you break a Jayhawker's finger?

A. Punch him in the nose.

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Q. What does it say on the bottom of Coke bottles in Kansas?

A. Open other end.

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Kansas Jayhawk. She asks her students to raise theirs hands if they're Jayhawks too. Not really knowing what a Jayhawk is but wanting to please their teacher, their hands shoot up. All except one kid. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Jayhawk." The boy replied. "Then, what are you?" The teacher asked. "I'm a Missouri Tiger." The boy replied. The teachers face was turning red by then and she asked the boy why he was a rebel. He said, "My mommy and daddy are Missouri Tigers, so I'm a tiger, too." The teacher was now very angry. She says loudly, "What if your mom was a moron, and so was your dad? What would you be then?" The boy replied simply, "Then I'd be a Jayhawk."

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The Dog

A guy walks into the Wheel with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a "Jayhawk" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Jayhawk" pom-poms. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with the Jayhawks receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for four years."

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Green Side Up!

A woman was walking through her new house with the contractor. As they walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room. In the bedroom she said, "I think this would be nice in a cream." The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" This perplexed the woman. They moved to the living room and she said, " I would love rose in this area." Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be, " a glorious shade of mauve." Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled,"GREEN SIDE UP!" Finally she could not stand this anymore. "What are you shouting GREEN SIDE UP out every window of this house?" He replied,"I'm sorry. I have a crew of KU students laying sod across the street."

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A Jayhawk was at a soda machine at the casino. A Tiger was next in line. The Jayhawk put in a dollar and bought a bottle of water. Then, she put in another dollar and recieved a bottle of lemonade. On the third time, the Tiger fan asked, "Are you done yet?" And the Jayhawk fan said, "Duh! No! I'm still winning!"

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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss." Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Jayhawks?"

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A Jayhawk, a Tiger, a Cornhusker, a Buffalo, and a Longhorn are all climbing a mountain. They get to the top of the mountain, and the Cornhusker says, "I do this for the University of Nebraska," and he jumps off of the mountain. Then the Buffalo says, "I do this for the University of Colorado," and he jumps off the mountain. Then the Mizzou fan says, "I do this for the world," and he pushes the Jayhawk off of the mountain.

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Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, Mommy! I want to be a Jayhawk when I grow up!" Mom answers, "Now Johnny, you know you can't do both."

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been? God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice," The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a city and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Columbia, the most glorious place on earth. It is beautiful. The people from Columbia are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace," Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "what about balance, God? You said...", God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in Lawrence."

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A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep, did you ever hear the one about the KU Jayhawks?" Four huge men stand up and approach the man. One of them says, "We play football at KU, you wanna tell that joke to us?" The guy replies, "What? And have to explain it four times?"

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A Mizzou Grad and a KU grad are flying behind enemy lines when their plane gets shot down. They are captured by the enemy and are granted one last wish before their execution. The KU grad says, "I would like to hear Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk, one last time." The Mizzou grad says "Shoot me first!!!"

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A K-State & KU graduate both applied for an engineering job. Both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. After completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to the Jayhawk and said, "Thanks for your interest, but we've decided to give the K-State grad the job." The KU grad said, "Why you gonna do that sir, we both got 9 questions right?" The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed." The KU grad asked, "How you gonna tell if one incorrect answer is more important than another?" Manager, "Simple. On question #5, the K-State grad put down, 'I don't know', and you put down, 'Neither do I'.

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Genie

Three guys, a Tiger, a Jayhawk, and a Longhorn walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Longhorn says, "I am studying to be a farmer, my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land in Texas to forever be fertile. With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land across Texas was made forever fertile. The Jayhawk was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Lawrence, so that no one can come into our precious city." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Lawrence. The Tigers says, "I'm very courious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Tiger says, "Fill it with water."

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Q: What did the KU graduate say to the MU graduate?

A: Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?

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A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a blue hat, red pants, blue sweater, and white shoes." The clerk says, "Are you a Jayhawk fan?" "Yes," replies the man. "How did you guess? By the color combination?" "No," answers the clerk. "This is a hardware store."

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A Tiger, a Jayhawk, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train traveling through the midwest when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and the Tiger are sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Jayhawk is holding his slapped face. The Jayhawk is thinking, "The Tiger must have kissed Pamela Anderson and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead." Pamela Anderson is thinking, "The Jayhawk must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Tiger, and got slapped for it." And the Tiger is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and hit that Jayhawk again."

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A group of students in a class at Kansas University are given the assignment of measuring the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the students and walks away. After the engineer had gone, one student turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

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There were two Jayhawk fans going to Six Flags over Texas. They were really excited because they had never been there before. They were driving along when they saw a sign that said, "Six Flags Left." So they turned around and went home.

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Two Jayhawks were running all over the campus yelling, jumping, hollering, and hootin'. When someone stopped them and asked them why they were so excited they said, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle in only two months!! And it said 2-4 years!"

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