One day there was a troll who lived in a forest. This troll was very talented. He did not live under a bridge, in a cave, or in a swamp, but wandered about as any other forest creature would. He was friends with all the animals in the forest because he was not a mean troll, who ate animals, but a nice troll, who was a vegetarian.
This vegetarian troll one day began to become tiresome of all the same old events of the day, and tried to think of something new to do. He discussed all of his troubles with his forest friends like the crane. He said "Crane...tonight, I feel like more." The crane, in all the confusion said "What are you talking about?" and the troll said "I'm not sure...but when I think about it...it takes me away to a special place and if I stay too long...I'll probably break down and cry." This made the crane sad, and he promised that he would help the troll, so they set out on a magical adventure. They set off on this adventure with nothing but the shirt on troll's back and the crane's bass guitar.
So they walked on down that road for a few miles when they stumbled upon a giant swamp with a sign that read "Mucky Muck." They began to cross and then they noticed something. High above the Mucky Muck there was a castle made of clouds and there sat a man named Andy, and he was sitting oh so proudly. They climbed up into the castle and finally met this mysterious man. Hig long red locks flowed elegantly in the slight breeze. Andy explained to them who he was and they explained what they were doing. They asked Andy for help. Andy said "If you want my help you must play me the best song in the world." So the bear and the troll began to play and Andy yelled "STOP! THAT IS THE WORST SONG I'VE EVER HEARD!..you need my help..and I am very powerful." He then went into the back of his castle and returned with a tape of what they had just played...but something was different...something unusual happened when they played it...IT WAS REMIXED! They were amazed...they asked "Andy, what is the secret of your power?" And Andy said "This." as he pulled out two turntables and a microphone.
The three of them began to travel once again but at a much slower pace thanks to Andy's lack of endurance and ability to move quickly. They came upon a town, but this town was unusual because all the buildings looked the same and they surrounded a giant pit of mud. They wondered what this mysterious town was..when they heard the voice of a tough guy. It said "Hey." This mysterious man explained to them who he was. He said "I'm B to the Izz R...U to Izz C...Fashizzle my E...My name is Bruce Lee Wilson..Wilson..Wilson." He explained that they had to take him along because of an unfortunate accident in the giant mud pit that caused all the other men of the town to perish and the women to fall madly in love with him, and he was worn out. They thought twice about it and asked what they could do. He said "I'm not in a band, but I can write the greatest songs in the land, G." So they decided it was a good idea. So Bruce grabbed his lucky orange ribbon and they frolicked on down the road.
This new found glory of friends were regularly holding jam sessions while they traveled for entertainment, and they were sounding pretty good. They had picked up a mute rabbit drummer and a guitar strumming magical fairy named Chris. Inevitably the group decided to become a band and there true goal was finally realized..to become a non-sellout group that surpasses all pop bands in both sales and affection of 13 year-old girls. They began to search for gigs and their talent was discovered by an old witch. This spiteful old witch become the manager of the group and manipulated circumstances to make herself all the money. She convinced the mute rabbit drummer that he was better off going on a solo career. The band, now named "Orange Ribbon" went on to pick up former Alive In Chains drummer Sean Kinney.
Seeing the way the witch was running things, the crane decided that it was time to get rid of her...but that was easier said than done. Because the witch threatened to expose the band and tell their new group of fans thanks to massive radio play that they had played most of their gigs in all male clubs and bars. This would cripple their sales as it did with Elton John and R.E.M. When new of this got back to the group, Bruce was furious. He yelled "That witch is a snitch" and stormed off. He was found three days later in a coma in the basement of Foo Fighters front man David Grohl.
But the band had bigger things to worry about. As the band's sales and popularity grew so did the heroine addiction of front man troll. After extensive rehab, troll was sober enough to pull out yet another chart topping album with "As the Forest Grows," an EP to their self titled debut. Still not seeing any of the money that their chart topping hits had produced, a peculiar thing happened. The witch was found dead in front of her 400,000 dollar home. The murder was thought to be gang related. And Bruce Wilson was tried and acquitted of all charges. Though the killer is still at large.
After this event, the band slowly fell apart. Troll's evergrowing ego was becoming bigger than the band. This was evident in their first full length album since their debut called "The Way Troll Likes It." This album, unlike others, traveled away from their musical roots becoming more rap and hip hop. This was due majorly in part by Bruce's new control over the group. Andy's deteriorating hearing made the remixing sound horrible and he and Chris went their own ways to form the band "Smoking and Praying," a religious band whose onstage antics resembled that of Slipknot and Mudvayne.
Troll had completely disappeared from the music scen. He was now completely tied up in gang related activities and was arrested and charged with three accounts of drug trafficking and racketeering, and will spend the next 20 to 30 years in the Seattle State Penetentary. With really no demand at all for a bass playing bird, Crane retreated back to the forest where life was simple and fun. The music scene has ruined many lives but, in the end, it doesn't really matter.
~BROCK