• Remove film from box and load camera.
• Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
• Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
• Choose a suitable background for photo.
• Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
• Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
• Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
• Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
• Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
• Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
• Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
• Put magazines back on coffee table.
• Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
• Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
• Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say,
• Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
• Fix a drink
• Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy

SLEEPING WITH A DOG

Rule #1: The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog.
Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed, with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.

Rule #2: The deeper the sleep the louder the dog.
As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running, kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running", lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boon cap.

Rule #3: When the dog wakes, you wake.
The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet, and the heap of dogflesh sleeps breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, its dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all over your sleeping body, or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.

So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night, safe, contented, heavy and loud.

author unknown.

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