bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing
her thoart she asked him what possible moral there was to his story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted
when he's been drinking."
True Burglary Story
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the
light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. George opened the
back door to go turn off the light but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your
house?” and he said no. Then they said that
all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along
when available. George said “Okay,” hung up,
counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to
worry about them now because I’ve just shot all the
sons of bitches ! .” Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you
said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
My Dads Dating rules
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front
of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do
not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body,
I will remove them for you.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come
to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact come off during the course of your
date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail
gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate:
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier,
and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that
in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other
issues of the day. Please do no dot this. The
only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with
my little girl, you will continue to date no one but
her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more
than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you
should not be dating. My daughter is putting
on her makeup, a process than can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead
of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate
for a date with my daughter: Places where there
are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic
or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to
be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating
to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless
god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes
very little for me to mistake the sound of your
car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over
a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently
tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into
the driveway you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early,
then returnto your car - there is no need
for you to come inside. The camouflaged face
at the window is mine.
Cute animals
peoms
Stupid laws
My poems
